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    wyldstallyn's Avatar
    wyldstallyn Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Nov 10, 2011, 04:51 PM
    What is reasonable when building trust from wounded abusive pasts?
    My long term boyfriend demanded the truth of my shameful and abusive past, before I was ready to divulge its entirety. I was forced to relive horrible memories of abusing alcohol, being abused in every form by my first boyfriend, my promiscuity for a short span in college and crippling years of psychological counseling due to my chronic depression and anxiety. He berated me and made me feel awful about my past choices, even thought I no longer behave that way and haven't for a long time and am otherwise completely an empathetic and ethically right person. He made me feel worse than dirt, saying the worst kind of comments imaginable, saying he would never have chosen to be with me if he knew this before we met, if he knew I was "just a filthy whore like every other girl." which was one of his kinder comments! He thought I was a "good girl" but I deceived him. I said I was a good girl, Im still a good person inside and these bad PAST choices do not dictate our CURRENT relationship.
    In bringing up these painful conversations on a daily basis for several months, he did open up a few wounds of his own. I told him he basically owed it to me, for demanding so much from me and revealing so little about himself. At least I didn't hurt anyone but myself, but I found out he has visited prostitutes ( I don't know what went on, like how he treated them) and he was molested as a child by an older man I believe on a few separate occasions. Since he revealed this to me so suddenly, and he was still upset with me, I didn't dare to pry any further about it. This is months later now, and I am just dying to know how he could visit a prostitute. He said his boss bought them for him, but he told me he holds sexuality on a very high pedestal(and has only had intercourse with 9 women including me)and how I could degrade myself to let all those men touch me was beyond repair. I was used. How does that not apply to him? He indirectly bought sex! I know he has had at least 5 girl friends besides me, so does that mean he saw 3 different hookers or one night stands? Also, this man who abused him. Who is this man? He said his parents don't know about it and I am appalled someone let this happen to him. I don't know if it was over a short or long period. I don't know how old the man was or his relationship to the family. I am angry nothing was done about it, and how it makes him feel, years later, but I KNOW to never ever bring it up unless he does... which is awkward since I have been HEAVILY into the developing Penn State child abuse case.. and he seems to clam up, so then, I get the hint and I do too... but that elephant in the room. Will he ever tell me or get help for these painful memories he has? We plan on getting married, but I almost don't want to until he is totally honest with me, as I was with him. Abuse aside, I feel there may be other shameful things he hasn't told me, even though he KNOWS I have aired out ALL of my dirty laundry. I only want to provide a resource, but in the least offensive and presumptuous way possible... if it is EVEN possible to do without being a tad invasive, but he did it to me! He forced painful awful memories that made me want to die and try to kill myself, the darkest memories in my entire life, and he shamed me for them and made me feel even worse, which I didn't imagine was possible.
    He made me relive the shame and hurt I had felt then and that was awful. I do not wish to do this to him, I only want to help him because I feel like when he made me painfully air out my dirty laundry, this huge weight had been lifted because I had never told anyone the entire story. If there was some way he could come to terms and move on, I think we would have a better relationship. I am kind of stuck because this is a complicated issue, when my past is thrown in and his reactions and behavior change the game plan, so I would like something assuring to help me be patient and also reassuring things I could tell him, that wouldn't piqué suspicion but would let him know I am always supportive, loving, and non judgmental, because I've already said all that.
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,503, Reputation: 4600
    Uber Member

    Nov 10, 2011, 05:14 PM
    My honest opinion? Why are you even INTERESTED in this guy? He tears you down to build HIM up.

    I don't know that he "made" you do anything. You must have had a choice, and you chose to tell the truth.

    You can't make anyone do or think anything they don't want to do or think. You can't change him - I think first heated argument he'll call you names again.

    Me? I'd move on. In fact, the first time he pried or called me names, he'd be gone. Sorry, but he is abusing you - and I'm not sure you realize it.

    I was the adult victim of rape. My husband knows it. He understands it was forced sex and has never, ever asked me for details. If I wanted to share, he would listen. I feel no need to discuss the details with him. He feels no need to know them.

    The past - for both of you - is the past. If you can't accept each other as you are today (and where you've been shapes who you are) it's time to move on. That means both of you.
    QLP's Avatar
    QLP Posts: 980, Reputation: 656
    Senior Member

    Nov 11, 2011, 12:42 PM
    "just a filthy whore like every other girl."
    So that's how he views women, yourself included. No wonder he thinks it is OK for him to visit prostitutes, no doubt that's all he thinks women are good for.

    I think the abuse the himself has suffered in the past has had a chilling effect on how he sees sex and women.

    Then there's the fact that you allowed him to 'force' you into doing something you weren't happy about.

    I think you both need to get into counselling. Whether you will want to be together after working through these things I don't know; but I really don't think your relationship is good for either of you as it is.

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