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    penelopiepink's Avatar
    penelopiepink Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #1

    Jan 10, 2009, 03:32 PM
    Weird sex life
    I am not sure what to do. I don't know if there is something wrong with me or my husband. I'm extremely sexually driven and like to have it all the time. I know that this is an issue. I have never met a man that keeps up with my libido. I understand that this means that I will always be a little unsatisfied. The problem is my husband. I know that he is suffering from depression, does not have a job because he was laid off and is dealing with the pressures of being a dad to our 8 month old. This sexual problem was happening before all of this happened though. He has no libido at all. In fact when I try to approach him and kiss him, sometimes he will start laughing. When he lasts a long time, he is not into it and soft so I don't feel much. This causes me to be uncomfortable and to inhibited to relax and enjoy the moment. When I work really hard to get him into it, he orgasms in 30 seconds. This leaves me no time to enjoy the sex and feel close. He tries to last but it just does not happen. I know that my husband loves me and still is attracted to me, but still. This makes me feel more needy in other aspects of our relationship. I constantly want his attention, and feel like I want to be around him at all times of a day. Not only does this annoy him, but I am annoying the crap out of myself as well. I just feel like the lack of closeness in our sex life is really starting to affect the rest of our relationship. Like I said. My husband and I do love each other but I need a way to stop caring about the sex so much. Maybe if I can do that, then I can relax. I just feel like crying. I know that this question is long and really choppy but I had a lot to say and did not quite know how to say it.
    Choux's Avatar
    Choux Posts: 3,047, Reputation: 376
    Ultra Member
     
    #2

    Jan 10, 2009, 09:16 PM

    My guess is that you are showing signs of "high anxiety" about your relationship with your husband; your behavior exhibits signs of desperation.

    Girl, you have to find a way to relax... to unwind yourself. YOur husband knows you are more that your sex act and that you are a valuable person.

    YOu have to get a grip on yourself in order to be happy... get a referral to a therapist and discuss your feelings you described here.

    Very best wishes, :)
    Synnen's Avatar
    Synnen Posts: 7,927, Reputation: 2443
    Expert
     
    #3

    Jan 11, 2009, 11:01 AM

    YOU need to see a counselor so that you are not projecting your needs in the bedroom into needs in other areas of your relationship.

    HE needs to see a physician to make sure that nothing is wrong with him physically that may be affecting his libido.
    TexasParent's Avatar
    TexasParent Posts: 378, Reputation: 73
    Full Member
     
    #4

    Jan 12, 2009, 08:28 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by penelopiepink View Post
    I am not sure what to do. I don't know if there is something wrong with me or my husband. I'm extremely sexually driven and like to have it all the time. I know that this is an issue. I have never met a man that keeps up with my libido. I understand that this means that I will always be a little unsatisfied. The problem is my husband. I know that he is suffering from depression, does not have a job because he was laid off and is dealing with the pressures of being a dad to our 8 month old. This sexual problem was happening before all of this happened though. He has no libido at all. In fact when I try to approach him and kiss him, sometimes he will start laughing. When he lasts a long time, he is not into it and soft so I dont feel much. This causes me to be uncomfortable and to inhibited to relax and enjoy the moment. When I work really hard to get him into it, he orgasms in 30 seconds. This leaves me no time to enjoy the sex and feel close. He tries to last but it just does not happen. I know that my husband loves me and still is attracted to me, but still. This makes me feel more needy in other aspects of our relationship. I constantly want his attention, and feel like I want to be around him at all times of a day. Not only does this annoy him, but I am annoying the crap out of myself as well. I just feel like the lack of closeness in our sex life is really starting to affect the rest of our relationship. Like I said. My husband and I do love each other but I need a way to stop caring about the sex so much. Maybe if I can do that, then I can relax. I just feel like crying. I know that this question is long and really choppy but I had a lot to say and did not quite know how to say it.
    One thing seems to be missing and that is your husband isn't taking control. Perhaps if you talked with him about him pleasing you without initial regard to himself being pleased you would have the foreplay that would help satisfy you and it would would likely turn him on to see your reaction to his foreplay.

    This way he would have to engage HIS imagination to find ways to please you and that would have to come from some erotic notions he has in his head. Those notions when they start to come to the surface by giving you pleasure through foreplay will likely produce some desire in him.

    So my suggest would be rather than going to him and trying to turn him; talk with him and suggest that you want him to figure out ways to please you and you need to try and not take control; let him do what he wants (provided you are OK with it), let him have his way with you the way HE wants to.

    You could propose the scenario that you don't expect him to have sex with you, but you would like him to make sure that you are satisfied; after all he is your partner and it's not too much to ask.

    Because while on the surface it seems a little selfish of him not to be pleasing you, I get the feeling that it is a control issue where you are always the initiator. It's not a bad thing in some relationships that works great, but in yours it's a habit that's not working.

    Have a talk with him and tell him your needs and come to an agreement that he will initiate with you, and there is no expectations on him other than to try and please you. He may not have sex the first time he tries to please you, you may orgasm and it will be over, but I think over time if you engage his imagination he will become aroused.

    Just make sure you are vocal or find other ways to express how satisfied you are by his touch, remember to feed his ego, and his libido by making sure he feels like the best darn lover there is.

    --------------

    Remember losing his job is something that he didn't have control of, and he probably feels like he doesn't have control of much in his life right now. You need to give him some control over things in general. I know you are likely keeping things together and your abilities keep the house running, but you need to let him have some responsibilities of his own choosing so he feels worthwhile again, and one of them can be your sex life. I think he will feel better if he is in control. Find a way for him to get that control, and you need to let go of your tendency to control everything around you; let go and have fun.

    Good luck to you.
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
    Uber Member
     
    #5

    Jan 12, 2009, 12:10 PM
    Isn't this possibly a case where he knew quite far in advance the situation at work was bad and getting worse. It takes a pretty strong dose of self delusion to not see some layoffs coming. That would have him stressing even if he didn't pass his concerns off to you.

    With that said is there also a possibility of a medical condition with him? High blood pressure, diabetese etc? Any of these can contribute to a performance issue and the performance issue itself can raise his stress levels and surprise, cause performance issues. That can make him feel less of a man and not worthy.

    It can be any one or combinating of these.

    First he shoud get a full medical diagnostic... with the doctor knowing of any performance issues, and if he gets a clean bill of health then see a therapist in case of any psycological problems.


    THe reason he might be going off so quick is long periods without... and again, 30 seconds makes him feel like a minte man which causes stress to most guys and again, feeds his stress levels and that viscious cycle again.

    Age has no bearing on medical issues, but the rate does increase with age.
    chrissymarie's Avatar
    chrissymarie Posts: 563, Reputation: 53
    Senior Member
     
    #6

    Jan 13, 2009, 03:31 PM

    Do you have intamacy issues? Was there a lack of affection in your childhood because it sure does seem like it. A lot of women try to compensate the lack of affection during their childhood with a lot of sex in their adult hood. Its they only way they feel comfortable being close to someone in their adulthood.

    If this is how your feeling I strongly suggest therapy. If not and you really do just have a strong sex drive then you should respect the fact that your husband does not. Everyone is different and has a different sex drive. You need to understand that your husband is depressed and it is OK for him to be depressed right now. He just lost his job. Your making sex a chore to him and you do not want this to happen. Let him make the moves when he's ready. For now just read a book or watch TV, play scrabble or masterbate in private. Don't worry he'll come around be patient.

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