Ask Experts Questions for FREE Help !
Ask
    kaciesmommy1210's Avatar
    kaciesmommy1210 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #1

    Jan 10, 2016, 12:46 PM
    "straight" boyfriend sexting men and women
    OK so me and my fiancÚ have been ttogether almost 4 years now. We have a two year old daughter together. I am the only one he's been with sexually. Yesterday I found messages on his snapchat... sexting, pictures, etc. To both guys and girls... he has done this before just not with guys I have talked to him, he said he doesn't know why he did it.. he says it was stress? Do you think its normal for him to want to have sex with someone else, maybe of the same gender? I'm so hurt and confused. Can this be fixed? What advice do you have to make sure it doesn't happen again?
    ma0641's Avatar
    ma0641 Posts: 15,681, Reputation: 1012
    Uber Member
     
    #2

    Jan 10, 2016, 12:50 PM
    "What advice do you have to make sure it doesn't happen again?" That's up to him isn't it?
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
    Uber Member
     
    #3

    Jan 10, 2016, 02:08 PM
    4 years AND a kid, and yet no ring?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,010, Reputation: 10852
    Expert
     
    #4

    Jan 10, 2016, 03:27 PM
    he says it was stress?

    What stress?
    Why haven't talked about healthier ways to relieve that stress?

    Do you think its normal for him to want to have sex with someone else, maybe of the same gender?

    It's normal for all humans to be attracted to, and lust after other humans. Whether they do have sex is a personal choice. How do we go from sexting to having sex? Two different things.

    I'm so hurt and confused.

    And shocked no doubt and that's understandable but where is the honest communication to clarify and understand each other's feelings?

    Can this be fixed?

    Yes, over time with honest communications.

    What advice do you have to make sure it doesn't happen again?

    Talk and listen to each other and resolve this with a compromise you both can abide by.
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
    Marriage Expert
     
    #5

    Jan 10, 2016, 05:23 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by kaciesmommy1210 View Post
    OK so me and my fiancÚ have been ttogether almost 4 years now. We have a two year old daughter together. I am the only one he's been with sexually. Yesterday I found messages on his snapchat... sexting, pictures, etc. To both guys and girls... he has done this before just not with guys I have talked to him, he said he doesn't know why he did it.. he says it was stress? Do you think its normal for him to want to have sex with someone else, maybe of the same gender? I'm so hurt and confused. Can this be fixed? What advice do you have to make sure it doesn't happen again?
    Since this isn't the first time, you need to make some decisions. Do you trust him? Can you learn to allow the trust to regrow? Can you learn to put the anger and hurt aside to work with him on strengthening the relationship? If the answer is no to one or more of those questions then you may need to walk away from the relationship. You will still need to work together on parenting your child, but you should not stay together as a couple if anger, hurt and distrust are going to affect how you feel about him.

    How did you work through it the first time he was sexting others, or did you? Were you looking at his snapchat for evidence that he was still messaging others?

    As Tal said, it will take talking with each other and both of you working together to fix the issues in the relationship. Communication and trust are probably going to turn out to be just the beginning. When you both sit down to talk about the issues and better ways to handle them, try not to allow the discussion to devolve into a fight. Try to remember to listen to each other and not attack. There may be strong emotions and each person will have their own perceptions of the issues, how they were caused and how to fix them. It will take compromise to move forward. If you both agree it is needed, see if couples' counseling is available in your area.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,292, Reputation: 7691
    Expert
     
    #6

    Jan 10, 2016, 07:01 PM
    Several things, if there a actual marriage planned or is this one of those open ended engagements (some day)
    I say that, you live together, have a child together, there is nothing else to marriage except actually doing it.

    I say this, as a few others have, since if he lacks the commitment to actually marry, he may be showing signs there also

    No it is not normal for a "straight" man to sex text with other men. It shows he may have some interest or fantasy perhaps about it. Which in today's sexual climate may not be totally unusual since gay sex has been thrown into public media wildly in the past few years.

    But a man who loves you, and is committed does not share naked photos or sexy photos with other women (or men)
    I would assume he would not want you sharing naked photos with other men.

    This may also be an addiction, some people get sexual addictions to the flirting and the sex talk.

    Counseling may help to find out what some of the inner issues are. Also perhaps if he has a real need, you and him do it, nothing wrong with husband and wife play.
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,318, Reputation: 5972
    Pets Expert
     
    #7

    Jan 10, 2016, 07:45 PM
    I haven't read the other posts, only your original post.

    The way I see it, he's cheating on you, got caught, and came up with the lame "it was stress"excuse.

    Who cares that he's sexting to both women and men, that's not the real issue here. The real issue is that he's looking to hook up with someone other than you.

    Four years together, a child together, no marriage, and he's sexting multiple people looking to hook up. What more do you need?
    Oliver2011's Avatar
    Oliver2011 Posts: 2,606, Reputation: 746
    Ultra Member
     
    #8

    Jan 11, 2016, 04:48 AM
    "...maybe of the same gender?"

    Seems completely inappropriate to me. Oh wait, no it doesn't.

    In my mind this is about faithfulness and trust, regardless of what gender. But regarding his sexuality, if he's living a lie or hasn't come to terms with his sexuality, then it will become much more difficult for him as he ages. Trust me, I know.
    CravenMorhead's Avatar
    CravenMorhead Posts: 4,532, Reputation: 1065
    Adult Sexuality Expert
     
    #9

    Jan 11, 2016, 08:39 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by kaciesmommy1210 View Post
    OK so me and my fiancÚ have been ttogether almost 4 years now. We have a two year old daughter together. I am the only one he's been with sexually. Yesterday I found messages on his snapchat... sexting, pictures, etc. To both guys and girls... he has done this before just not with guys I have talked to him, he said he doesn't know why he did it.. he says it was stress? Do you think its normal for him to want to have sex with someone else, maybe of the same gender? I'm so hurt and confused. Can this be fixed? What advice do you have to make sure it doesn't happen again?
    Hi! I need some more information.

    How old are you two? I have to assume that you're in your early to mid 20s. This doesn't make much of a difference but it could to him. You had said that you took his virginity. I am getting a bit of the vibe that he's still trying to figure out what and where he fits on the sexual spectrum. IE, how bisexual is he? Is he trying to figure something out or is he is trying to find something that isn't you? He might also be non-monogamous, and interested in a open or more open relationship. After the hurt dies down you need to talk to him about what he wants, both in regards to the relationship and to his own sexuality.

    How is your sex life right now? I know, from experience, postpartum sexual life is often different from what it was beforehand. Are you satisfied? Is he? I am not trying to excuse him anyone of anything here, but trying to get a better picture of what is going on here.

    It is perfectly normal for someone to want to have sex with people, of their gender or otherwise. Everyone has those urges. It is how you act upon them that decides the importance/severity of the repercussions. For example, I see people I want to bone everyday, but I don't act on those urges. A huge problem in this modern world is that we're too connected to everyone else and we haven't had the time to mature the technology. A lot of us are so tuned into this world that it is hard for us to step back and decide if this is the right and proper thing to do. I believe he was testing his boundaries and got caught.

    As was said, proper communication and ground rules need to be talked about. He's committed (to a point) to you. He has promised to marry you, and you have a child together. This is a hurdle that you need to overcome for a functional adult relationship. It doesn't sound like he's actually cheated, i.e. put his little solider into another woman's fox hole, but it sounds like he is crossing your comfort zone. He needs to know this, you need to talk about this, and a compromise needs to occur. If you can't talk about serious relationship issues then your relationship is functionally dead. This is salvageable if you want to put in the time and effort. When you do talk to him you CAN'T go in with preconceived judgements of him and his behaviour. What you need to do is get him to come in and be comfortable enough to talk to you about EVERYTHING. If he thinks you're going to judge him, take the high moral ground, and beat him down, then he's not going to open up to you and he's going to shut down. It is going to cause this issue to rot the relationship. You both need to figure this out instead of letting it go on autopilot.

    Is it stress? (First for last.) Depends on the stress to be honest. Could be his outlet. Could be innocent fun that wasn't intended on being anything more then naked flirting. Could be a convenient lie to save face and hurt you less. You need to talk to him.
    Dchdman's Avatar
    Dchdman Posts: 226, Reputation: 17
    Full Member
     
    #10

    Jan 21, 2016, 11:15 PM
    Unfortunately if it is a Sexuality problem and or he wants to have sex with someone else , he is the only one who can either get counselling to hopefully fix the problem.

    You sorry to say this can't force him to get help with this problem if it is a problem.

Not your question? Ask your question View similar questions

 

Question Tools Search this Question
Search this Question:

Advanced Search

Add your answer here.


Check out some similar questions!

Why are men so rude to nice women and pretty women? [ 16 Answers ]

People have said to me in the past.. youre so beautiful.. why are you single? Or I bet you can get any guy you want, the guy that gets you is lucky.. however its very different for someone who is pretty- guys NEVER ask me out and men are usually very mean to me rude abusive etc. I'm really laid...

Is men (i.e The boyfriend or husband) fantasizing about other women really normal? [ 7 Answers ]

So we all hear it (at least I do) that its normal for men to look at other women and imagine them naked or fantasize about them or what have you. But, like, is that really true? I mean I guess every man is different, and I know women do it too, but its seems like more men do it. And I guess there...

Boyfriend sexting [ 0 Answers ]

Been with him 2 yrs, never had an trust issues, he is step dad to my 7 yr old. Found explicit text to a girly used to know it was dated back to June 11 just as we started an 8 months long distance, we wer rock solid and I trusted him with my life, it too me 5 months to let him meet my little girl,...

Boyfriend is sexting [ 23 Answers ]

My boyfriend of 4-5 years (I am a female) took a job that required him to move across the country for 6 months. I visited him 3 times and we spoke daily. He told me that he really missed me and that the relationship was all that kept him going because he did not like the job. During one of the...

Why do straight women fool around with straight women: An open discussion. [ 55 Answers ]

Ever wondered why straight women fool around with other straight (or gay) women? Ever tried it? Ever regretted it? Thoughts?


View more questions Search