[NEVERSHOUTNEVER]

My teenager is 13 and she went to the mental health hospital on Monday, because she is cutting and has attempted suicide.

I am going to see her finally for the first time since then, and I am wondering how I should handle this?

We are very different people. She is strong, independent and a leader. I am the opposite of all that. And she has a habit of trying to take care of me rather than letting me take care of her.

I know this is bad, and I am working on it.

But should I hug her and hold her and cry with her and let her know I miss her?

Or should I be strong for her and show her that I can be the rock she leans on instead?

[talaniman]

Before you visit you should have a talk with her doctor/counselor/caregiver, and ask them how best to approach this visit, but offhand show love, and support, but be ready to listen... even if you don't understand, or don't want to hear it.

Be aware she may not be ready to talk to you, and that's okay too.

[Cat1864]

Understand that if your daughter is cutting and attempting suicide, then she is not as strong as you think she is. She was just better at hiding her issues than you knew. I agree that you should talk to her doctor about how to handle the visit. He/she will probably have tips for rebuilding the relationship on a better foundation with you as the parent instead of her.


You might even think about counseling for yourself. If you want to be there for her, first learn how to be there for yourself. Counseling/therapy is a method of learning ways to build a support structure so you can be the rock she can lean on. One other thought, accepting your part in what has happened so far is part of healing. However, do not allow the guilty feelings to affect your decisions as a parent.

[joypulv]

You should be yourself. There is no other 'should.'

If you miss her and love her and feel like crying, then do so. Just remember that when anyone is in a hospital, they call the shots. If she says she wants you to leave, do so.

She may have appeared to be strong, independent and a leader. But clearly she isn't feeling it, or she wouldn't harm herself.

You can go home and think about all the ways that you may have leaned on her too much, and start working on them. I do agree that therapy for YOU might be good. You can tell her that.
There is still time to be a mother. You can have problems of your own, and not burden her with them.
You don't mention how your life might be in distress, but it sounds like it.

[Alty]

I agree with all the above posts. I really think you need to look into therapy for yourself so that when she's back home she has you to lean on, instead of the other way around. You're the mom, and you have to be strong for her. It sounds like she's going through a lot, and it may well be that she just has too much weight on her shoulders. Take some of that weight off.

I also think that talking to her doctor before you see her, is a good idea. He/she knows better what's going on with her, and will be able to give you some pointers. But other than that, hug her if she wants to be hugged, kiss her, but be strong. She doesn't need to see you crying and telling her how much you miss her, that will make her feel worse because she's not home to look after you and make sure you're okay, which, according to you, is what she does.

[Fr_Chuck]

Talk to the doctor, but she is not strong, independent and a leader if she is cutting and tying to kill self. She is really scared and weak and begging for help