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MH27 · Jun 22, 2013, 02:09 PM

Over six months ago I found multiple emails implying that my boyfriend was on the down low. Of course I confronted him with this information and he denied it all. He actually claims one of his exes who I know to be "crazy" did this to get back at him. So I asked her personally and she admitted to doing some thing's. At that point I let it go but just recently saw he was watching Shemale porn so I asked him about and he lied.

Finally after a huge argument he admitted to being curious about watching shemale porn. So now I feel like he lied to me about everything and I don't know how to feel. I am more upset because I feel as if he can not be honest with me and now I feel insecure because I feel when people lie they are hiding something. That makes me wonder are you searching for more than I can offer. And if it is only a curiosity why does he feel the need to lie? It's human nature to be curious sometimes.

I'm confuse is he lying to me because he hasen't identified his sexuality yet or is it because he might just actually be on the DL

Tc123 · Jun 23, 2013, 12:36 AM

Daaang girl. Seriously, he may very well be on the DL. But only time will tell unless there are some signs beforehand Like you, I also would wonder if he is just covering up or really really?? He could be lying because he is embarrassed. He could be lying because of what you're suggesting or he just doesn't want anyone to think the wrong thing. It could be a combination of being embarrassed, wanting his privacy, and just doesn't want anyone to think the wrong thing since he may just be experiencing. Hmmmm... Not sure if I even believe that. Seriously, you really never know and cannot judge without really knowing or having all of the facts.

Please get back to advise what else may be happening. You are eventually going to go with your instincts if you can and will eventually find out the truth, hopefully sooner than later. Please do report back so that someone from the outside may be able to interpret this better for you.

Oliver2011 · Jun 24, 2013, 06:04 AM

First off he is only watching porn correct? He's not cheating on you that you know of. But you are snooping around and that will make your relationship very uncomfortable for both of you. It is possible that he is interested in an alternative lifestyle. One of the issues is how will you accept that?

Cheating is cheating and regardless of the reason it is wrong to do in a relationship. However curiosity is not cheating and maybe if you were a little more accepting he might be more open.

MH27 · Jun 25, 2013, 03:22 AM

Originally Posted by Oliver2011

First off he is only watching porn correct? He's not cheating on you that you know of. But you are snooping around and that will make your relationship very uncomfortable for both of you. It is possible that he is interested in an alternative lifestyle. One of the issues is how will you accept that?

Cheating is cheating and regardless of the reason it is wrong to do in a relationship. However curiosity is not cheating and maybe if you were a little more accepting he might be more open.

I didn't begin snooping around. He actually left his Craigslist account up on his computer and that is where it all started. When I first saw it I wasn't upset because all of the things happened while we were not together I just wanted to know the truth. I am actually a bi female and I have always been very honest with my sexuality with him even if it made me a little uncomfortable. But once the lying started I did snoop around because we have been in a relationship for a some time now and I just wanted to make sure I was not making a mistake.

Oliver2011 · Jun 25, 2013, 05:53 AM

Originally Posted by MH27

I didn't begin snooping around. He actually left his Craigslist account up on his computer and that is where it all started. When I first saw it I wasn't upset because all of the things happened while we were not together I just wanted to know the truth. I am actually a bi female and I have always been very honest with my sexuality with him even if it made me a little uncomfortable. But once the lying started I did snoop around because we have been in a relationship for a some time now and I just wanted to make sure I was not making a mistake.

So now the question becomes where do you go from here. If you both don't talk about this then you will keep snooping and having your suspicion, correct? If in fact he is bi as you suspect and he is honest about it, then it sounds like you will be accepting and handle it okay. For some guys though admitting they are attacted to guys is a very difficult thing to say. But after it is said there is a world of freedom that comes next. Then again if he does admit and experiences that freedom, what happens if he wants to pursue a relationship with a guy. This is a tough one.

CravenMorhead · Jun 25, 2013, 07:29 AM

It isn't what he 'lied' about but rather the fact that he did?

Most people have this private part of them that they're incredibly embarrassed about. They don't like to talk about it because they're afraid that their partner will think them a freak, strange, or even deviant, and leave them. Worse they'll divulge their secret out to the world and make them a social outcast. Still they want to indulge in them. So it is a balance of trying to find a way to indulge in your own personal and private kink with making sure your mate and the world at large doesn't know about it. This becomes precarious when you're not even comfortable with that kink. Like shemales. Why is a woman with a strap-on so much different then a shemale. Just odd.

These secrets often revolve around porn and sexuality as a whole because it is still so tragically taboo. As well there are societal pressures to suppress these urges, especially being a male, because being overly sexualized is problem in upon itself. These people are seen as creepy/sleazy and players who aren't interested in a relationship but to plunder your booty. As well sexualized men are seen a lot of time as possible sexual offenders and sexualized women as 's!uts' or 'wh0res' and neither of those are want labels or easy to shake.

What I am getting at is that everyone has secrets and often they have them or good, all be it personally skewed to be good, reasons. It isn't that we're doing this to hurt or concern our partners but we're doing it to protect ourselves. Accept that there will be things that you're partner is going to lie and hide from you. You need to have faith and trust that they're not bad things, more often then not they're reasonable. Like chicks with s. Best of both worlds.

So approach this with caution and understanding. Talk with him about it. Let his know that you're understanding and that you accept his kinks because they're part and parcel of him. If it makes you uncomfortable then just make sure that he doesn't leave traces of it. I think a good amount of communication with a huge amount of understand will go a long way here.

Oliver2011 · Jun 25, 2013, 08:34 AM

Originally Posted by CravenMorhead

It isn't what he 'lied' about but rather the fact that he did?

Most people have this private part of them that they're incredibly embarrassed about. They don't like to talk about it because they're afraid that their partner will think them a freak, strange, or even deviant, and leave them. Worse they'll divulge their secret out to the world and make them a social outcast. Still they want to indulge in them. So it is a balance of trying to find a way to indulge in your own personal and private kink with making sure your mate and the world at large doesn't know about it. This becomes precarious when you're not even comfortable with that kink. Like shemales. Why is a woman with a strap-on so much different then a shemale. Just odd.

These secrets often revolve around porn and sexuality as a whole because it is still so tragically taboo. As well there are societal pressures to suppress these urges, especially being a male, because being overly sexualized is problem in upon itself. These people are seen as creepy/sleazy and players who aren't interested in a relationship but to plunder your booty. As well sexualized men are seen a lot of time as possible sexual offenders and sexualized women as 's!uts' or 'wh0res' and neither of those are want labels or easy to shake.

What I am getting at is that everyone has secrets and often they have them or good, all be it personally skewed to be good, reasons. It isn't that we're doing this to hurt or concern our partners but we're doing it to protect ourselves. Accept that there will be things that you're partner is going to lie and hide from you. You need to have faith and trust that they're not bad things, more often then not they're reasonable. Like chicks with s. Best of both worlds.

So approach this with caution and understanding. Talk with him about it. Let his know that you're understanding and that you accept his kinks because they're part and parcel of him. If it makes you uncomfortable then just make sure that he doesn't leave traces of it. I think a good amount of communication with a huge amount of understand will go a long way here.

Well said, or typed actually.

Fr_Chuck · Jun 25, 2013, 08:43 AM

He lied, since he knew your opinion about it, and did not want to fight, but you will not believe him and are now searching out fault in here,

Just leave, since if you can not trust him this much, he deserves better.
( be it male or female)

It does not matter if he is bi sexual or not, as long as he is not cheating on you. Cheating is cheating, no matter if with man or women.

You seem more concern with proving something, than saving the relationship.

If you go after him in attack mode, he will either lie, or fight,

talaniman · Jun 25, 2013, 08:58 AM

You won't know it's a mistake until you have seen how the process of learning each other well plays out. That's why you communicate and express your own hopes, and dreams and concerns to your partner. Snooping won't help the process, just fill you with resentments and confusion with context.

So don't confront or demand, talk and listen. The calmer the better, more listening than talking. As CMH has excellently pointed out, most people cannot just open up their deep dark(?) secrets so easily. Its normal to be very afraid of the attitudes of others. And normal to want to protect themselves from it.

Handyman2007 · Jul 3, 2013, 08:12 PM

There are a lot of people that are embarrassed to talk about their curiosities or fantasies. That does not make them liars or cheaters. Are there things that you would never discuss with him? I bet there are. Think how you would feel if he found out one of your secrets. Everyone has things that they just don't share with anyone. It's normal.

MH27 · Jul 4, 2013, 04:51 AM

Thanks everyone. I have giving it all some thought. I think I was looking at the situation in the wrong way. I just assumed that he was a liar and had something to hide. I really did not consider the fact that it just may be a sensitive area for him. He is a great guy so I decided to just let it go and see how our relationship work out and only pray for the best.