[OneDude79]

My wife and I have a good relationship over all. When we first started chatting online she was flirty and joked about sex a lot, but when we actually HAD sex, it was OK, not wild or crazy, but OK. She did do a little oral (both giving and recieving) at first, and I am pretty sure even then I never got her off, but she never let me do it for very long, she always just asked me to go inside her and have intercourse. I figured she would open up as she trusted me more but the opposite has been true. Any time I wanted to talk "ABOUT" sex, she never seemed to want to go into detail as far as what we did, how we did it, what gets her off, etc.

Once we got married in 2007, she stopped doing anything but missionary but at least we still did it a few times a week. She started around this time also not letting me go down on her at all, in fact she would hold her legs together, still smiling the whole time, but as if she was just not willing to let me go down there. We have 2 kids now and the frequency of sex is maybe once every 6 weeks, and when we try a kid almost always wakes up crying. That part I get, the mood isn't there and is a contributing factor, but since she has always been somewhat like this, there's something else going on.

Even if I try to finger her a bit she does the same thing. When I ask her about it she just doesn't respond or changes the subject, or says she is tired, etc. This is definitely possible with having 2 kids these days but even before kids she was like this. It has just gotten worse though.

I admit I don't last that long, but I last a LOT longer with her on top, up to 15 - 20 minutes, yet, she refuses to get on top, she only wants to do missionary, which is the position I climax the fastest in, usually just a few minutes. She never complains but never wants to change positions. When I ask she says "oh its fine" and that's the end of it.

I cannot believe she is actually satisfied with our sex life so I have a few ideas:

1. She only has sex to keep me happy and has no real desire, therefore not having an orgasm is no big deal, and she IS satisfied as a result.

2. She never has had an orgasm with anyone and is embarrassed, and/or has never been creative enough to try other methods to get off.

3. She has had an orgasm with other guys but not me and is afraid to tell me.

4. She is overweight as am I - perhaps uncomfortable with her body, but I think she is beautiful and sexy, and I tell her that often.

5. She has been taught that sex is dirty. Her parents aren't the Victorian type but maybe that was ingrained in her.

6. For the oral thing maybe she is worried she smells bad or tastes bad (she doesnt). She has only done it to me a couple times and while I would love for her to do it again, if I can handle the other stuff we can revisit that later on.

We have been married 5 years so we should be beyond this point, and I do truly love her and have no intention of leaving.

How do I get her to communicate? My only thought was to start maybe trying to set the mood better - go the extra mile with housework, take the kids and let her go to bed early, surprise her with a date night, etc, just to set the overall mood. THEN see if she is ANY more responsive than she has been.

Next step, but I don't know the best way to flat out say: I know I am not getting you off and want to try to make it better for you.

I don't think its an issue of her not wanting me around anymore, I do participate in child care and housework, etc, although it seems nothing gets done.

I think there are 2 issues - she isn't that sexual to start with but also its hard to be in the mood with kids, work, chores, etc. That part I get, and I plan to do more to make sure she feels appreciated, although I do a lot already - I help with the kids, the house, etc.

It's more the fact that she was never all that into it, and her lack of willingness to discuss it that bothers me. If she doesn't want to tell me what is going on I will just make assumptions and those are probably worse than the truth!

It could be me that is the problem, but I won't know if she won't tell me. Plus other women I was with I had no issue bringing to orgasm one way or another.

What should I do?

I hope I haven't been too graphic here but I want to make my point.

[Fr_Chuck]

A very large group of women do not like "oral" sex, yes guys will not believe it, but they will do it to a guy but not want a guy to do it to them. You should respect how she does or does not want sex.

Do you ever try to talk about it, when you are not in bed ?

Also always wake the kids ? Do you shout and yell, Sorry parents have been having sex in the other room for 1000 years.

It is time for a counselor, not because of the lack of sex, but because of the lack of ability to talk about it.

[OneDude79]

Thanks, Fr Chuck.

To address your points:

If she doesn't like oral, fine, she needs to say it and tell me what she does like. Granted, she won't do it to me, either.

We haven't tried much to talk outside of the bedroom since the kids are always around otherwise. I guess I could try when sex is definitely not happening that night for whatever reason.

WE don't wake the kids. We have a 9 month old and it seems like Murphy's Law that he wakes up crying EVERY TIME WE TRY lately. It's just bad luck.

[OneDude79]

I posted this in the Relationships board but this might be a better place for it.

My wife and I have a good relationship over all. When we first started chatting online she was flirty and joked about sex a lot, but when we actually HAD sex, it was OK, not wild or crazy, but OK. She did do a little oral (both giving and recieving) at first, and I am pretty sure even then I never got her off, but she never let me do it for very long, she always just asked me to go inside her and have intercourse. I figured she would open up as she trusted me more but the opposite has been true. Any time I wanted to talk "ABOUT" sex, she never seemed to want to go into detail as far as what we did, how we did it, what gets her off, etc.

Once we got married in 2007, she stopped doing anything but missionary but at least we still did it a few times a week. She started around this time also not letting me go down on her at all, in fact she would hold her legs together, still smiling the whole time, but as if she was just not willing to let me go down there. We have 2 kids now and the frequency of sex is maybe once every 6 weeks, and when we try a kid almost always wakes up crying. That part I get, the mood isn't there and is a contributing factor, but since she has always been somewhat like this, there's something else going on.

Even if I try to finger her a bit she does the same thing. When I ask her about it she just doesn't respond or changes the subject, or says she is tired, etc. This is definitely possible with having 2 kids these days but even before kids she was like this. It has just gotten worse though.

I admit I don't last that long, but I last a LOT longer with her on top, up to 15 - 20 minutes, yet, she refuses to get on top, she only wants to do missionary, which is the position I climax the fastest in, usually just a few minutes. She never complains but never wants to change positions. When I ask she says "oh its fine" and that's the end of it.

I cannot believe she is actually satisfied with our sex life so I have a few ideas:

1. She only has sex to keep me happy and has no real desire, therefore not having an orgasm is no big deal, and she IS satisfied as a result.

2. She never has had an orgasm with anyone and is embarrassed, and/or has never been creative enough to try other methods to get off.

3. She has had an orgasm with other guys but not me and is afraid to tell me.

4. She is overweight as am I - perhaps uncomfortable with her body, but I think she is beautiful and sexy, and I tell her that often.

5. She has been taught that sex is dirty. Her parents aren't the Victorian type but maybe that was ingrained in her.

6. For the oral thing maybe she is worried she smells bad or tastes bad (she doesnt). She has only done it to me a couple times and while I would love for her to do it again, if I can handle the other stuff we can revisit that later on. If she truly dislikes receiving oral she should just say so and explain why, and what instead I can do to get her to orgasm.

We have been married 5 years so we should be beyond this point, and I do truly love her and have no intention of leaving her, it's nothing like that! I just really want her to enjoy sex too and I get the impression that she doesn't.

How do I get her to communicate? My only thought was to start maybe trying to set the mood better - go the extra mile with housework, take the kids and let her go to bed early, surprise her with a date night, etc, just to set the overall mood. THEN see if she is ANY more responsive than she has been.

Next step, but I don't know the best way to flat out say: "I know I am not getting you off and want to try to make it better for you." Is it too blunt to say something like "baby, I just want to ask you something. I want to make sure that when we have sex, it's as good for you as it is for me, so, can you tell me something? Have you ever had an orgasm with me? I don't think you have, and want to see if I can change that."

I've tried starting such conversations before, and she doesn't really answer it, she just says "it's fine honey" and seems uncomfortable.

I don't think its an issue of her not wanting me around anymore, I do participate in child care and housework, etc, although it seems nothing gets done.

I think there are 2 issues - she isn't that sexual to start with but also its hard to be in the mood with kids, work, chores, etc. That part I get, and I plan to do more to make sure she feels appreciated, although I do a lot already - I help with the kids, the house, etc.

It's more the fact that she was never all that into it, and her lack of willingness to discuss it that bothers me. If she doesn't want to tell me what is going on I will just make assumptions and those are probably worse than the truth!

Frequency wise, sure, I'd love to have it a few times a week but that's less important than me getting to the bottom of where she stands on things, her wants, her needs, her desires, even if she has little to none, because at least there will be a point of understanding. Right now, all I have are my assumptions.

It could be me that is the problem, but I won't know if she won't tell me. Plus other women I was with I had no issue bringing to orgasm one way or another.

What should I do?

I hope I haven't been too graphic here but I want to make my point.

[JudyKayTee]

I just wrote a lengthy answer, tried to post it - poof! The thread had been moved.

Here's the shorter version. You can't make anybody do anything they don't want to do and that includes enjoying sex. Any friend of mine who has ever commented about not liking certain positions has stated it's a weight issue - "on top" she's at an unflattering angle, same with oral.

She presumably sees her OB/GYN once a year (or more). That's the person she should be asking - but how you ask her to do so remains a problem.

Was the sex in the beginning a "front" because you weren't married and she was trying to remain in the relationship, afraid you'd leave if she refused?

Has she ever been sexually assaulted? I was the adult victim of rape, and I do - on occasion - have flashbacks.

[OneDude79]

I just wrote a lengthy answer, tried to post it - poof! The thread had been moved.

Here's the shorter version. You can't make anybody do anything they don't want to do and that includes enjoying sex. Any friend of mine who has ever commented about not liking certain positions has stated it's a weight issue - "on top" she's at an unflattering angle, same with oral.

She presumably sees her OB/GYN once a year (or more). That's the person she should be asking - but how you ask her to do so remains a problem.

Was the sex in the beginning a "front" because you weren't married and she was trying to remain in the relationship, afraid you'd leave if she refused?

Has she ever been sexually assaulted? I was the adult victim of rape, and I do - on occasion - have flashbacks.

I'm not aware that she has been a victim of assault. She has had issues with depression before.

I'm not sure the sex was a front or not. We were long-distance and saw each other about once every week or two, so we ripped each others' clothes off and she initiated at times as well, I think the distance built the tension, plus, all the excitement of a new relationship and all.

That part I get - I know that after a while it won't be as often as it was before. It's not even the frequency, it's the attitude.

The one part of her BRAIN (not body) I can't get into is her sexual part. What does she desire? What does she like and not like? Am I missing something?

Even if it's just that she doesn't enjoy it, fine. TELL ME! And, is it something completely unfixable? I can live with that if that must be, I might go through a lot of lotion but hey.

I wonder if it's a combination of not enjoying it much + being embarrassed to explore her body/mind more. Meaning, she may never have had an orgasm, because she's been to embarrassed or inhibited to try what is necessary to get there. There is as much a chance of that as having no drive at all, which I realize there are a few people out there for whom that is true.

This is a woman with a professional job, highly intelligent and educated, and outspoken on issues like politics, news, etc, but she can't talk about sex! What gives?

[smitty92]

Your wife actually sounds a lot like me. I've had this problem with guys in the past, and I believe it to be the major reason I don't stay in a relationship for very long. In my case, a lot of the issue is the fact that 1) I've never had an orgasm myself, no matter who I've been with; and 2) Guys seem to take a really long time to orgasm. I enjoy sex--I even enjoy oral--but not for any length of time--not for nearly as long as it takes a guy to come. So I guess that if I knew of a sure fire way to bring a guy off quick, I'd be lapping that up, too. It would make me feel like less of a failure than if I either can't bring him off or am bored with it halfway though, and since I can't get off for whatever reason, it's a win-win because I don't have to deal with my own issues. And I've never been able to talk to my partner about it, either. Who really wants to say to their spouse, "Honey, I want you to be sexually satisfied, but hurry up and get it over with!" ?

[JudyKayTee]

This is a woman with a professional job, highly intelligent and educated, and outspoken on issues like politics, news, etc, but she can't talk about sex! What gives?

I don't think there's much of a connection between being highly intelligent and educated, outspoken, and professional and expressing yourself sexually.

And, again - ask her. Have you told her that you feel frustrated (or whatever you feel) without being accusatory?

She has 2 small children and works full time?

[OneDude79]

Yes we have 2 kids and both work. In fact she makes CONSIDERABLY more money than me, so she's the primary breadwinner at the moment. I do think (and she confirms) that I do a fair share of things around the house, although, admittedly, we BOTH seem to fail at keeping things under control as far as laundry, cleaning etc.

Now here was another thought: I want to surprise her with a date night. Not for the expectation of sex at all, I mean, if it happens great, but just to give her a night to enjoy "us".

If I want to try to encourage her to talk about this, should I do it now, like tonight, or maybe try to romance her more than usual, make her feel a bit better about things, and THEN bring it up?

Obviously, in either situation, I won't try to do it WHILE we're having sex, or just before/after.

I wonder if she doesn't even realize how I feel about it.

[OneDude79]

Your wife actually sounds a lot like me. I've had this problem with guys in the past, and I believe it to be the major reason I don't stay in a relationship for very long. In my case, a lot of the issue is the fact that 1) I've never had an orgasm myself, no matter who I've been with; and 2) Guys seem to take a really long time to orgasm. I enjoy sex--I even enjoy oral--but not for any length of time--not for nearly as long as it takes a guy to come. So I guess that if I knew of a sure fire way to bring a guy off quick, I'd be lapping that up, too. It would make me feel like less of a failure than if I either can't bring him off or am bored with it halfway though, and since I can't get off for whatever reason, it's a win-win because I don't have to deal with my own issues. And I've never been able to talk to my partner about it, either. Who really wants to say to their spouse, "Honey, I want you to be sexually satisfied, but hurry up and get it over with!" ?

I actually orgasm much more quickly than I'd like.

What I wonder and also want to ask my wife, is have you ever had an orgasm by masturbating? Have you even tried?

[JudyKayTee]

Working with two small children, even with you helping? I'd be exhausted, and if she is the primary breadwinner she has a lot of responsibility on her plate.

A date night? I'd tell her you would like to give her a day/evening/afternoon "off." Would she like to go out by herself, meet a friend for lunch (or something), go out to a special dinner with you, stay home?

A date night when she's exhausted may not be what she needs/wants.

When do you discuss other problems? My husband and I are "good" at sitting at the kichen table, coffee in front of us, after dinner. Even better if it's nice out on the deck after dinner.

Back in the day I dated a lot - I was married, divorced, married, widowed, re-married. Interesting dating life. At any rate the most aggravating thing a man could ever do as far as I was concerned was ask - or, even worse, CONTINUE to ask, if I was satisified, if he could do something else to make sex better for me, was I satisified? Could he do anything else? Was I satisifed? I don't know if it's male ego (and I'm not saying this is your problem) but I was fine, absolutely fine. I didn't expect my head to spin around like I was possessed every time. Nagging about sex can ruin the mood.

[OneDude79]

Working with two small children, even with you helping? I'd be exhausted, and if she is the primary breadwinner she has a lot of responsibility on her plate.

A date night? I'd tell her you would like to give her a day/evening/afternoon "off." Would she like to go out by herself, meet a friend for lunch (or something), go out to a special dinner with you, stay home?

A date night when she's exhausted may not be what she needs/wants.

When do you discuss other problems? My husband and I are "good" at sitting at the kichen table, coffee in front of us, after dinner. Even better if it's nice out on the deck after dinner.

Back in the day I dated a lot - I was married, divorced, married, widowed, re-married. Interesting dating life. At any rate the most aggravating thing a man could ever do as far as I was concerned was ask - or, even worse, CONTINUE to ask, if I was satisified, if he could do something else to make sex better for me, was I satisified? Could he do anything else? Was I satisifed? I don't know if it's male ego (and I'm not saying this is your problem) but I was fine, absolutely fine. I didn't expect my head to spin around like I was possessed each and every time. Nagging about sex can ruin the mood.

We usually talk while folding laundry. Sitting on our bed. Since its usually well after 9 by the time both kids are asleep.

The nagging I get. However, I don't believe her. She gives me NO feedback except "it's fine".

Do you orgasm at least some of the time? I wouldn't expect head spinning either, but I really don't think she ever has. If she simply cannot as some women cannot, she at least should tell me, right?

The ego thing? Well its worse for my ego to keep guessing than hear the truth.

The exhaustion thing? Oh, I get that. Hell *I* sometimes am too tired!

I just mean even before kids, she never really opened up to me and told me what she likes, doesn't like etc. It's almost as if sex is a duty for her. She doesn't even seem to enjoy kissing or cuddling. She loves when I rub her back or feet and all that.

Also, she never touches ME. Not at any time during the act does she touch my genitals, or stroke my chest, or anything at all. She used to a little, but even back then, not a lot.

[OneDude79]

As far as the date night thing, I might ask her something like "if you could have a night off, and could choose dinner with me, a night with the girls, or a massage or something, what would you do? And please, I won't be offended if its not me, because I want to know what YOU want."

Would that work? I don't want to ruin the "surprise" if she actually would want the date night.

[Cat1864]

How old is the oldest child?

If she has a history of Depression, then she may be going through it again especially with pregnancy and childbirth. Depression can destroy a person's libido even if there aren't any other factors. She needs to talk to her doctor.

She may be self-conscious about her weight. She may be experiencing difficulties that she hasn't admitted to herself. 'On Top' may put a strain on her hips or other parts of her body. It may not be her weight that is causing issues with her being on top. If you are also over-weight then it could be the way your bodies fit together.

Yes, she can be satisfied with sex even without having an orgasm. If you are intent on giving her one, then that pressure might be causing some of your problems.

Do you show her affection and attention at times when sex is nowhere near a possibility? Do you do little things like say 'I love you' for no reason other than you feel it or give her a quick hug just to feel her body next to yours without any expectations?

She may not want to talk about sex for a variety of reasons. One, timing. Two, feeling self-conscious about her body and what she is afraid you might say. Three, mentally she may know you need to talk, but emotionally she may be shutting down and she may not know why. She may not want to hurt your feelings.

If she can't verbalize what is wrong or what she thinks, ask her to write it down. Ask her if she would feel more comfortable with a Marriage Counselor guiding the discussion.

[OneDude79]

Honestly, I don't know when we'd have TIME for a counselor. We cannot find a babysitter outside our normal daycare 99% of the time... I had to pull teeth to line one up for the potential date night. However, if its needed, we'll figure it out.

I know her hips hurt a lot since the baby. As I said, PART of the issue I'm sure is that, but the other part has been around a lot longer than the kids have.

Perhaps the first stage is to try to alleviate the stress and the pain issues she is having. Then we can look at the rest of the details. Does that make sense?

Our oldest is 3 by the way, the baby is 9 months.

I do say "I love you" to her and hug her. A lot. Maybe too much.

I bought her flowers yesterday "just because". Half the time she falls asleep while I'm putting our son to bed, so I go downstairs and finish cleaning up from dinner (since that never seems to get done before the kids' bathtime and bedtime) and whatever else I can finish before I need to get to bed.

[OneDude79]

I'd love to give her an orgasm, but I know that women can be satisfied without one. That said most women want one at least sometimes! I'd at least like to know her thoughts on it such as:

-has she ever had one with me? At all?
-does she want one?
-is there something she'd like me to do to make it happen at least once in a while?
-can I have some clues as to what/when etc?

If she has truly never had one, then I want to know if she's tried a lot of different things. If so, maybe she never will, and that's what it is. I just want to know! I'm her husband, not some stranger off the street, I think I should know these things.

As far as weight, both her and I are close to 100 lbs over our ideal weight and trying to lose. We were both about the same size when we met as we are now, she might actually be a bit under and I think I'm a bit over but not by much. We've both lost about 10 lbs since starting to try.

[Wondergirl]

Now here was another thought: I want to surprise her with a date night. Not for the expectation of sex at all, I mean, if it happens great, but just to give her a night to enjoy "us".

Back in the day when my husband and I both worked full time and had two small children, we set it up so I had one evening a week for myself and he stayed home, then he got his night out and I was at home, and one night a week we got a sitter and went out to dinner or a movie or the mall or whatever.

You could work out something like that maybe? And like Judy said, stop asking her about her sexual experience with you and what she wants (or what you think she might want or what you think she SHOULD want).

[OneDude79]

Back in the day when my husband and I both worked full time and had two small children, we set it up so I had one evening a week for myself and he stayed home, then he got his night out and I was at home, and one night a week we got a sitter and went out to dinner or a movie or the mall or whatever.

You could work out something like that maybe? And like Judy said, stop asking her about her sexual experience with you and what she wants (or what you think she might want or what you think she SHOULD want).

For the first part - three nights a week of that would be tough to arrange, but three per month could work. We're hundreds of miles from family, so its hard to find a sitter.

For the second part about her sexual satisfaction - The reason I have trouble with this is that I've heard of plenty of sexually frustrated women that just SNAP and have an affair after years of dissatisfaction, all the while all they had to do was TALK to their husbands about it.

Am I really supposed to just put up with once every six weeks sex she obviously is only doing to shut me up? I think I should at least be able to pick her brain somehow and find out more.

I can't imagine that its healthy to just never talk to your partner about their sexual feelings and such.

She might say "it's fine" and mean it. She might just be trying to avoid conflict. That's what I don't know. Or, perhaps she hasn't tried new things so she thinks that's as good as it gets, when it might not be.

[Wondergirl]

For the first part - three nights a week of that would be tough to arrange, but three per month could work. We're hundreds of miles from family, so its hard to find a sitter.

Work out whatever arrangement suits the two of you. Our sitter was a teen girl who lived nearby.

For the second part about her sexual satisfaction - The reason I have trouble with this is that I've heard of plenty of sexually frustrated women that just SNAP and have an affair after years of dissatisfaction, all the while all they had to do was TALK to their husbands about it.

I'M ready to snap after reading all your questions and comments about her "missing" sexual satisfaction.

Am I really supposed to just put up with once every six weeks sex she obviously is only doing to shut me up? I think I should at least be able to pick her brain somehow and find out more.

My advice is go to a counselor and talk about this with him/her. Along the way, your wife may be invited to a session (not to be pinned to the wall, but to give you some closure or mental relief). I'm getting the feeling this is all about you, not her (but if I'm wrong, please tell me). MANY women seldom or maybe even never have an orgasm during sex. As for your sexual satisfaction, that's what the counselor will help you with (not personally :), but will talk this through with you).

[OneDude79]

OK, game shift a little.

I want to try positions that we haven't, like doggystyle for example. I have been afraid to mention it to her since she is so unwilling to talk even about the basic stuff.

Instead of the nagging "are you sure this is good for you" what if I shift gears and ask " have you ever tried or thought about trying XXXXXX?"

My concern is she'll think I'm a sick bastard. That's why I want to get her deeper thoughts first.

I really could easily do without either of the above, but still, it would be fun.