[satinsilver]

Hello all. I am 26 and have been dating someone for almost 2 years now. She is 20 and a great girl. At first we didn't have sex. We fooled around a bit but it was mostly new people sex stuff. After a few months of we finally started and it was great for a long time. Latley not so much. It seems impossible to get affection from her, I guess its always been this way but its starting to get to me. We've spoken about it so many times and it always ends up the same way. She gets mad and thinks all I want is sex. Well let me make this clear baby, we've dated for almost two years with barley any sexual contact, and I am still here. I come from a VERY sexual history and going into a relationship having to let my sexual desires fade back a bit was NOT EASY. I did a lot of this because I did not want to be like that anymore. However I am only human. They typical senario is she doesn't want to do anything for me like I do for her. I've told her many times she is selfish about sex and it hurts me. Why is it your call, your time, your pleasure all on my feelings. She tells me she has reasons on why she has lost some attraction which I think is bull. One of which is that I don't have a job right now. I'll agree on this in a sense, but its not like I sit around doing nothing. I live a very active lifestyle where I am always on the go finding many ways to make money and learn experiences. I am highly intelligent and far from a bum. Another one of her reasons is that she thinks I don't want to take her out or go anywhere with her. She seems to miss the part about her working all the time and her lack of interest in what I want. Why do I want to treat someone special who gets mad when I ask for my side. I guess I've let it get this way but I'm sick of it so I have been putting my foot down. I donnt want sex everyday, its pretty obvious after all this time that I am able to be committed like that, most guys would cheat. I had a dream about cheating and I told her, I was hoping it would scare her into thinking "hey maybe im not making him happy" but of course it just blew up in my face. Im sick of jerking off, I'm sick of porn, I'm tired of feeling like a rapist trying to have sex with my girlfriend. Everything used to be fine, I know a lot has to do with the fact that I am not working, but why still be with me. I know the girl loves me as do I. Everything else in our relationship is great. The only fights we have are about this. I feel like an about it but reality is you NEED to respect my feelings and urges. Otherwise I WILL leave you. She had some issues with sex when she was 14. I guess she had sex with someone over 18 and wrote about it in her diary. Her parents found it and pressed charges on the kid. I can see how this might affect her but we've talked about it so many times that its in the past. When we have sex its great, when we don't and I try to get it it doesn't matter my approach. I'm wrong. Ill massage her legs and feet and back all day but I get in return. I know where I am going with this. I see the right choice but this girl is the only one I've ever met that I just don't get sick of. I would just like a little more attention. How can I go about this without pissing her off. She needs to realize that I have needs and I can walk away just fast. I have never had trouble with women and still don't, however for her I stopped talking to all females. It was time for a girlfriend, to settle down for a bit, so I withdrew myself from bars/temptation etc. I am happy with my decision but why am I wrong when I'm horny and she's not. I hope this can be solved because if not I will leave and go find the sexual experiences I've had in the past and desire so much. Maybe that's what I am supposed to do. I've never been with someone this long and what we share is great. I really don't want to ruin it because of sex but how can I get across to her that this is very real and I mean no offense. I can't give give give without getting. I know to girls sex sounds gross when we bother them about it and try to compare it to their reasons for their desires. We are male its natural. She is going to be a nurse too and just learned about anatomy and that pisses me off. Its total disrespect and it hurts. Why the hell do I want to take out someone who doesn't understand that her dinner is my orgasm. Sex for me is more about passion and I love pleasuring females. I don't pressure her to do things she doesn't want to, but its so hard to take the lead because its gotten so awkward over the last few months. She was never a person to make the first move (this also drove me nuts) but that didn't bother me. Now it does. I'm not your brother I'm your boyfriend. No she is not cheating and yes she has been off and on with different birth controls. We both understand what that can do and she switched to a new one witch makes her less snappy and not dry as a rock. Ugh... any advice?

[CravenMorhead]

So... how is this mental warfare/abuse working out for you? Getting laid are we?

You're going about this all wrong boy. I just want to hit you are the nose with a newspaper.

There are a few things I see here that you should consider. First of all people have different libidos. I have known/been with several women that have only wanted sex every week or month or so. It is what it is. As you know birthcontrol has an effect on that. Also stress and exhaustion can have a huge impact. This can come from work, family life, or even doing a nursing degree. A little understanding in that regard as well wouldn't hurt. It isn't all about you.

As well I have found that if you don't get into their brains and turn them on then it will be a nonstarter. I know you do a lot with the expectation of something in return and again that is a nonstarter because you both know why you're doing it. You're giving so you can get some in return. Trying to keep score and demanding your reward for services rendered will just stunt the entire situation.

So at this point you have a few things to consider. I agree with you that sex is an important part of the relationship. You won't cheat at this point, but I have the feeling you will. Can you imagine this amount of sex for the rest of your life? It is something that will just fester and eventually just cause this to fall apart.

It feels like she is already pulling back. It might be worth it at this point to find someone that is fully compatible with you. Could work wonders for your stress.

My two cents.

[Fr_Chuck]

Putting our foot down, your attitude and attempts are about the most silly and most likely the least effective things you can do.

Leave her if this is the best you can do.

[JudyKayTee]

she needs to realize that i have needs and i can walk away just fast. I have never had trouble with women and still don't, however for her i stopped talking to all females.

There isn't enough time in my day to address the various self-serving statements you've made and so... I think she does realize you have needs. She just doesn't care.

She needs to realize you can walk away fast? Maybe she's hoping.

As far as never having a problem with a woman - surprise! You do with this one.

You come off extremely self centered and self absorbed. You seem to think being thoughtful and considerate to this flawed person you have chosen to date makes you eligible for some type of "boyfriend of the year" award. It doesn't.

And to be colleague Craven - applause.

[Cat1864]

Let's see if I have this correct. She works and goes to school to become a nurse. Which means she also has studying, homework, etc. She has a boyfriend who thinks dating is a job and he should be paid in sex. (Take a step back and look at what you written.)

If your entire relationship right now is based on staying in at someone's place and you trying to get her to do what you want, then things are very wrong. Whether you mean to or not, you are turning this relationship into being all about sex.

She needs to know that you see her as more than a blow-up doll, there to provide you with relief. She needs to know that you think of her as girlfriend and want to let people know you are with this person. She needs to know that you pay attention to her and how stressed, exhausted, etc. she is on a daily basis.

You say that 'her dinner is your orgasm.' As a female, I can tell you that when I hear those words, I shut down sexually and emotionally. When I am told to essentially 'put out or get out', I feel like I am being called a prostitute. Sex for Food? Really?

Telling her you are dreaming about cheating is telling her that she isn't loved. She is toy that can be replaced. Why give you anything if that is your attitude?

She has stress and is probably exhausted from dealing with all that is on her plate including you. Stop putting your needs on her dinner plate. Start showing her that dessert is worth working through the entrée for.

Talk to her about ways you can help her relax and want to have sex. Find out if going to a local park and watching clouds would help her let go of the stress. Put on some music and dance with her just to get her mind off work or studying. Instead of being upset with her learning anatomy, hand her a box of washable markers and let her use you as a model to write the parts on. See if there are ways to make studying fun. Make the thought of sex fun instead of seeming like another chore.

Sexual problems do not happen in a vacuum. They are affected by everything that happens in the relationship. If all you want is to get sex, then maybe she isn't the person for you at this time in her life. If you can't communicate with her and look at how life in general is affecting her libido, then 'love' and long term relationships don't mean much to you. Any relationship that is going to last has to learn how to work through and deal with the downs as well as celebrate the ups.

You know what you want and say you need, but have you really listened to what she has tried telling you her needs are? She may be giving you ideas by when she is instigating sex. What is different at those times? Ask her. Work together or go your own ways.

[smoothy]

And just think... if its bad now.. its only going to get worse after years together... not better.

No need repeating what Fr_Chuck, JudyKayTee and Cat1864 said so well.

I think its time to put this horse out to Pasture and find a new one to ride. Meaning.. time to find a new, more compatible girlfriend... at 26 you may not fully grasp this yet... but you can't change people... you either accept them how they are or find someone else that's a better match... I preffer the latter rather than the former. If more people did that the Divorce rate would be much lower.

It worked for me in my life growing up before I found my current wife. And I was older than you when I married her.

[JudyKayTee]

As an end note I find the various references to the girlfriend to be offensive. "Dry as a rock?" Really. That's the best wording that a self proclaimed "highly inteligent" person can come up with?

I suspect the girlfriend understands fully well where the OP is coming from.