[nellie24]

Okay so I've been with my boyfriend for a year and 6 months and we live together. In the beginning of our relationship I was okay wit him watching porn, I really didn't care if he masturbated while i was away. I moved in everything was great our sex was amazing, we would have sex 3 times a day... But it all changed, I would come home from work, initiate sex and he would say he was too tired. Or we would be having sex and he just couldnt finish so he try to make me orgasm as many times as he could. But he wouldn't finish, it would bother me so much cuase i thought i was doing something wrong. Well eventually I couldn't stand it anymore, and i told him how much it bother me. He said if it hurt me he would stop and he did. from time to time we would both watch it at the same time, but he wouldnt do it alone.

Now he decided to watch porn again, even if im in the house!! the other day he said "baby... I feel like masturbating" i told him i was here and if he was horny i could pleasure him. he said NO afterwards we can have sex. then he asked me if i ever felt like masturbating by myself. I was in shock mode that he rejected having sex with me that i was like fine and walked out of the room. we didnt have sex that night.... now hell watch it if i go to the store... if im in the shower or watching tv in the living room. But i noticed that he just goes to the page and doesnt watch any videos. lets say im in the next room or in the shower. ut if he wants to masturbate he will tell me that he wants to and thats when i see that he watches videos and pics. and always of bbw....

What do you all think? Because im feeling like hes just not sexually satisfied or attracted to me anymore. And he will eventually stray. I know im really insecure. But why would he want to do that when im at home too and he can have sex with me. Im open to new things, Im always the one wanting to try new things in bed.

He also comes home tired from work, we do have sex i say like 3 times a week. and hes always really into it. he gets hard fast with me, like hell touch me or my breasts and hes hard. so i dont know how to just accept that he watches it. and it doesnt mean he dont love me or is attracted to me.

[Cat1864]

There are times when a person wants to be selfish and not worry about someone else's needs. It doesn't mean he doesn't care about you or isn't attracted to you. He just needs some 'me' time.

As you have noted, looking at porn doesn't mean that he is getting off. It is entertainment like reading a book or watching a mainstream movie.

He has been honest with you about just needing some time to himself. Yes, it is selfish. However, so is demanding that he only use you to get off when you are available. Why should he have to have sex with you if he isn't wanting or feeling up to intercourse?

He comes home tired and wants to relax and unwind. Masturbation or at least looking at porn may be part of what helps him let the distractions and worries of the day go. If he has a job where he has little or no control over what he does or how he does it, being able to take care of his own needs in his own way may be a way of coping with the frustrations from work or other areas of his life. Telling him what he can or can't do may be adding to problem.

He asked a very good question. Do you ever masturbate? Do you enjoy exploring your own body and fantasies without having to worry a whether your partner is satisfied?

Sit down and talk together. Listen to what he has to say. Work as a couple to find a compromise.

Keep in mind that what he looks at in porn is probably not what he wants in reality. It sounds like what he wants in reality is you. But I get the impression that with you he doesn't want 'five minutes of foreplay and penetration'. If you knew that he was wanting to take time have mutually satisfying experience, would you be more comfortable with him wanting 'me'?

[nellie24]

I walked in on him last night looking at some stuff, while I was in the kitchen making dinner.
I asked him why wouldn't he want to have sex with me instead. And he said he does but there's times he wants to just masturbate. That he's been really stressed out at work lately. And a lot of other drama he's having with his family that he's been feeling weird for two weeks now. I guess your right and maybe he's feeling like he has no control of things.

Then he went on to explaining that he just does it to masturbate it and that's it.
That he loves me, loves my body and wouldn't want to be with those girls online...
He wants me to understand that it has nothing to do with me. That it doesn't mean he's going to not love me anymore, or leave me for someone that looks like those girls online.
He's just so stressed out and doesn't know what to do.. he said that he really doesn't know why he looks at porn or pics. That he dpesnt have an explanation for that. Other than to just get off.

I guess my fears are of him not being attracted to me anymore... he once again pleasured himself and went to sleep. But I decided not to tell him anything anymore, I'm going to do my own thing pleasure myself... have some me time, and hopefully me not nagging him about watching porn will be one less stress for him to deal with.

[Cat1864]

I guess my fears are of him not being attracted to me anymore...he once again pleasured himself and went to sleep. But I decided not to tell him anything anymore, I'm going to do my own thing pleasure myself... have some me time, and hopefully me not nagging him about watching porn will be one less stress for him to deal with.

Taking some 'me' time, even it is pampering yourself and not masturbating can help you develop a good relationship with yourself. Having a good relationship with your own body and putting yourself in a positive mental state will help you weather the ups and downs of your relationship with him.

Letting insecurity go and developing your self-confidence will make you even more attractive to yourself and him.

Talk with him about other ways to show affection and ways you might be able to help him relieve his stress. Ask him about non-sexual ways to relieve stress such as going out with friends or working on some type of hobby (you both should have time with other people or interests to keep fresh energy coming into the relationship.)

It's okay to let him know you are going to be understanding, but that you need for him to be aware of signs he is slipping away from being a partner. Needing time alone is great. Taking so much time the relationship suffers, isn't.

All long-term relationships have periods like this. It may be video games or books instead of porn, but there are times when a partner needs a bit more alone time. So don't take it personally. Keep the lines of communication and compromise open.

You know, you could surprise him and ask him to go toy shopping with you. It might give him something else to think about than the stress and it would show him you are serious about giving him some space and time.

Good luck.

[nellie24]

Thank you soooo much you have really opened my eyes to all this... There's little moments were I think about it and I start feeling all those feelings again. But I think with time I can let that go, and be more understanding. I have mentioned to him, that if I see or if he notices at some point that him doing it wayy too much affect our relationship Its just going to hurt me and him also, cuase as much as I love him.. I really don't want to go through all that again.



He says its not going to get in the way of us being able to be together, and not going to be like the first time all this happened. But Im going to take your advice and have some me time.
Ive actually asked him a few times if he would want to go with me toy shopping. And he really doesn't want me to buy anything like that. He says if will take away of me feeling good with the real thing... But can't I say the same thing to him and his hand?? Im still interested in buying a little something for me and I will:)

[Cat1864]

I am glad I can help in any way. :)

Ive actually asked him a few times if he would want to go with me toy shopping. and he really doesnt want me to buy anything like that. he says if will take away of me feeling good with the real thing... But can't I say the same thing to him and his hand???? Im still interested in buying a little something for me and I will:)

Him getting used to his hand is more of a danger than you getting used to a toy. If he is afraid of a toy taking his place, then he needs to look up the term 'double standard'.

There are so many types of toys available and many of them can be fun alone or with him. Playing with toys can open up new ways of foreplay and intercourse.

I have been with my husband for over 25 years and have used toys for all of those years. It has not taken anything away from what I feel for my husband or how I react to him and with him. Playing with toys with him is a lot of fun, too.

You might start by looking toys up on-line and seeing what looks interesting to you. If he is feeling threatened, let him look to and see how they aren't competition for his manhood. Talk about how you can use them as a couple. It might help change his perception.

Have fun!

[nellie24]

Haha I told him that last night, he actually understood. He said he was only masturbating to porn to get it out of his system since its been quite awhile since he's done it. But that he won't let that get in the way of us being together in any way.

We went out last night too, had a great time I think we needed to get out a bit more.
Especially since he's been stressing out, spending time with our friends helped out a bit.
Again thank you so much for helping me out. This is something that's not really something I can't talk to anyone close to me.

[TheHelperK]

Your relationship may eventually be altered if this problem isn't fixed, sex is the most beautiful thing two people can share between each other & eventually no sex can lead to no relationship. Try and spice some things in your love life, buy a book on new sex positions maybe even some kinky lingerie, go with him to an adult store, bring out the whip cream have fun!

[Cat1864]

Nellie, I am glad you are communicating and working things out. I hope things continue to improve.

If you ever feel like you need to get more advice about this issue or anything else in your relationship, all you have to do is add to this thread. If you ever have any questions about other subjects, just ask. We will do our best to give any help we can.

If you have any subjects you are interested in that you might be able to help someone else, you might want to check out our other topics. Your boyfriend is also welcome to join. Helping others can be a way to relieve stress. Though I do warn you it can be easy to get caught up in reading and answering questions. :)

[CravenMorhead]

Your relationship may eventually be altered if this problem isn't fixed, sex is the most beautiful thing two people can share between each other & eventually no sex can lead to no relationship. try and spice some things in your love life, buy a book on new sex positions maybe even some kinky lingerie, go with him to an adult store, bring out the whip cream have fun!

This is a very narrow minded opinion. This isn't a problem. It is the natural way men work and deal with sexuality. As Cat said, he isn't looking at this because he is unsatisfied with his partner. He even said as much. He is doing this as some alone time to relax and concentrate on making himself feel good.

The problem with using this approach is that it circumvents the communication and understanding that is going on. To draw an analogy your treating the broken leg by giving him him a crutch to use. The leg will never heal right but things will still move forward. What you need to do is reset the leg so that everything will work properly.

She did the hard thing and opened a open and honest dialog with her man. This communication is far better and far healthier then crotchless panties and whipped cream.

That is my opinion. Take it for what it is.

[smitty92]

I don't even think it's just a man thing, I think women do this, too. I like what someone said earlier about not wanting to have to worry about your partner. He's having sex with you three times a week, and during those times I assume he's worrying about how much you're enjoying it as well as how much he's enjoying it. In between, sometimes it's nice to just worry about getting yourself off at your own pace, no pressure.