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SweetSue2639 · Nov 24, 2009, 12:14 PM

Okay so I have been best friends with a guy for 6 or 7 years, his name is Mike... Mike is really good friends with my ex,(Allen), and I am really good friends with Mike's ex(Megan). Me and Mike were really good friends before we even started dating these people but we all hung out in the same crowd and are from the same high school. We both dated these people for a couple years, and have remained close with eachother's exes even though we are no longer together.

Well a couple months ago me and Mike got drunk and took our relationship to the next level, and hooked up and have been hooking up ever since then. We both do not want a relationship seeing how we just got out of one, and we have both agreed that we do not want this to ruin our friendship, but I am starting to like him a lot and I think the feeling is mutual. We will spend the night together and go out and do things, and have hooked up sober so its not like its just some drunk fling...

Well recently Allen has started asking our friends if me and Mike are hooking up because we seem to act differently around each other and we hang out a lot he says. I have only told a couple trustworthy people about what's been going on because I'm scared that if our group of friends found out it would cause a huge uproar. Everyone always said that Mike liked me all throughout high school but I was always with someone and I never thought of him more than a friend until recently...

Should I just tell Allen the truth, or should I lie? Or maybe even tell him its none of his business since we are not together and have no chance of reconciliation. I know there is a guy code and girl code about hooking up with your friend's ex, but Me and Mike were best friends before we even started dating either of these 2 people... should that rule still stand?

Also Mike and me and both looking into moving and finding a roommate, he asked me to be his, I don't know if I want to live with him because I mean hey we are sleeping together and we are not in a relationship, so what would that mean? He says we could stop hooking up if we lived together, but I'm not sure if I want to cut it off haha... he also said that If I don't want to live with him, he is going to have no choice but to ask Allen, which would really screw things up. So WHAT DO I DO!?

kctiger · Nov 24, 2009, 12:21 PM

Should I just tell Allen the truth, or should I lie? Or maybe even tell him its none of his business since we are not together and have no chance of reconciliation. I know there is a guy code and girl code about hooking up with your friend's ex, but Me and Mike were best friends before we even started dating either of these 2 people... should that rule still stand?

Yes, you should tell him the truth. I have been in your position before and it is always better to come clean rather than trying to hide something like this. Feelings are involved and it isn't about owing someone something. It is about being a mature adult and letting others know where you stand. At least that way you can clear your conscious and the "rumor mill" won't be in full swing.

If you put yourself in Allen's shoes, how would it make you feel if your ex (whom he probably cared for very deeply at one point) was hooking up with one of your really good friends? I think it's best to find out from you rather than from word of mouth. I am saying this to you having been through a VERY similar situation that turned out pretty rough for me as I didn't act fast enough.

Also Mike and me and both looking into moving and finding a roommate, he asked me to be his, I don't know if I want to live with him because I mean hey we are sleeping together and we are not in a relationship, so what would that mean? He says we could stop hooking up if we lived together, but I'm not sure if I want to cut it off haha... he also said that If i don't want to live with him, he is going to have no choice but to ask Allen, which would really screw things up. So WHAT DO I DO!?

I do not think you should move in with Mike. I think that would be a HUGE mistake. You are falling for him, whether you see that or not. Moving in with him would create a pretty awkward tension if things go south. And you wouldn't just "stop" hooking up, I doubt either of you have that much self control.

Reevaluate your situation, your friendships and think of the bigger picture here. I am not saying you need to quit hooking up with Mike, but once sex and feelings are involved, friendships aren't the same afterwords. It is obviously a delicate situation that will require some discretion along with some other decisions. If you are fine with a random hook up fling with a friend, you also need to be prepared of the consequences to that. Since you seem to be developing feelings rapidly, I think it is important to judge this situation not just as a friend, but as a potential mate to Mike in the future.

SweetSue2639 · Nov 24, 2009, 12:32 PM

I think I would eventually like to be something more than just a hookup to Mike but I don't know if he feels the same way...

Earlier when this first started happening, he said that if either of us feel like this is going to ruin are friendship than we will speak up and end things and he also said that he knows I don't want a boyfriend because Mike was one of my friends I always talked about boy problems too, and I didn't want a boyfriend before we started hooking up and he knew that, but now I think I would like to have him as my boyfriend,

He has also been very vocal about not having a girlfriend and about he doesn't need one or want one, so I don't know if I should bring the subject up or just leave it alone until later on down the road...

mudweiser · Nov 24, 2009, 12:37 PM

Well now that you have feelings for him tell him.

Maybe he's feeling the same way too but he's just keeping it to himself.

If he doesn't want to be your boyfriend, stop hooking up and just be friends.

Easier said than done but if you have feelings for him and your still hooking up with him you'll just end up getting hurt and you can pretty much say bye to yours and mike's friendship.

...well that's just what I think

jmw0713 · Nov 24, 2009, 01:55 PM

No reason to hide secrets. Just get it out in the open and let whatever happens, happen. Those of your friends who are not mature enough to see that you both are forging a relationship, and decide to jump ship because of that, are not really friends and had other reasons for hanging out with you.

I my own view, I would rather have the truth come directly from me to all of my friends, then have all my friends hear rumors filled with embellished truth and lies...

As for the whole is he your boyfriend or is she my girlfriend... why do you have to put a title to something that is already there. You're friends who now have an intimate relationship together. Just let it work from there. BF/GF is just a title. If it is meant to go anywhere, you both will be respectful to each other and not hurt one another and one day make it official.

Now if things start to happen and feelings get hurt, since you have already "crossed the line", a friendship will be difficult to maintain. Once sex get thrown into the mix, the relationship changes and has a whole different meaning, even though you're not official. Its really easy to catch feelings for your partner and if the relationship goes south, it will be like you were BF and GF in the first place.

You can't hook-up with friends and expect everything to go back to normal once it happens. It doesn't work that way.

talaniman · Nov 24, 2009, 05:06 PM

Your supposed to be friends, then talk honestly about this mess, and come clean to those around you who are your friends too.

Devorameira · Nov 24, 2009, 05:46 PM

Be honest about it with Allen. You and MIke thought it was well hidden, but it sounds like Allen has it all figured out already!

Just remember - good friends are hard to come by! :o

SweetSue2639 · Nov 30, 2009, 11:54 AM

We told Allen over the weekend, and the remaining of our friends, and I have to say it feels like a huge weight is lifted off my shoulders, it feels good to not have to hide anything anymore or to lie about anything.

Allen is very angry which is understandable but I think everything will turn out like it is suppose to.

Thank you so much for all the great advice guys I really appreciate it!

jmw0713 · Nov 30, 2009, 11:58 AM

Allen might not be around for a while. I know when I heard about my ex hooking up with this other dude, I could feel the anger inside. I had to leave and go on a nice looong drive after that. Then came Halloween. We haven't talked since.

He probably was hanging around with you because he had some hope of you both getting back together, since he thought you were not attached to anyone yet. Now he knows that isn't in the cards anymore he will probably disappear for a while to collect himself and begin to move on with his life.

I wish · Nov 30, 2009, 12:05 PM

Why don't you slow things down. Like you said, you both recently got out of a relationship, so you're both obviously on a rebound.

Just enjoy each other's company and focus on recovering from your last break up. There's no need to rush into a relationship, even if you really like each other.

slapshot_oi · Nov 30, 2009, 12:11 PM

Originally Posted by SweetSue2639

We told Allen over the weekend, and the remaining of our friends, and I have to say it feels like a huge weight is lifted off of my shoulders

What I don't understand is why you felt guilty in the first place, you didn't do anything wrong. But, if it made you feel better then great; whatever melts your butter.

But, if I were you, I would have aired on the side of caution and kept it quiet and lie if confronted. That information, like you already said it did, would just piss off your ex. I don't see the point in bringing his world down.

jmw0713 · Nov 30, 2009, 12:46 PM

Slapshot, I have to disagree with you here. If she feels guilty about this, the best thing to do is not hold it in. Why should she let this eat at her all the time? If her friends are really her friends they will accept this and still be there for her.

I think that her ex was just hanging around in a "pseudo-friendship" because he thought she was unattached.

He now needs to suck it up and move on with his own life.

SweetSue2639 · Nov 30, 2009, 01:39 PM

My ex did think that we could get back together if we continued to be friends, even though I told him numerous time it wasn't going to happen.

I disagree with the whole lying thing, because that's exactly what I did when people confronted me about it and I felt horrible for it.
So it feels good to be open and honest about everything and not feel guilty.

I wish · Nov 30, 2009, 01:46 PM

Too much drama after a break up.

Focus on recovering from your break up instead of thinking about jumping into a new relationship.

slapshot_oi · Dec 1, 2009, 08:31 AM

Originally Posted by jmw0713

Slapshot, I have to disagree with you here. If she feels guilty about this, the best thing to do is not hold it in.

Originally Posted by "slapshot_oi

...But, if it made you feel better then great; whatever melts your butter.

You (OP) were going to do what you felt most comfortable with anyway. But as for me, which was the whole bottom half of my previous post, I never feel guilty lying to someone if they ask me about my personal affairs. It's none of their business. But again, to be clear this time, that's just me.

jmw0713 · Dec 1, 2009, 08:42 AM

I can agree that it is really none of their business, but I personally would rather tell them that than lie and have that possibly come back an haunt me sometime in the future.

But slapshot, like you said before:

whatever melts your butter

:D