[nowheretoturn]

I am requesting some advice on what to do about my husband. We have been married over 4 years, together for almost eight years and have 2 wonderful boys who are 2 and 5. I am 28 years old, a professional woman who works shift-work as a nurse and am the breadwinner of the family. My problem in my marriage is that husband makes me feel guilty for having to work to support our family. I often have to sleep during the day to work that night and he chastises me for taking our kids to a babysitter. He does not help around the house at all (he believes it isn't his job and calls me a neat freak). I feel like I work 2 jobs full-time having to come home after a 12 hour shift and then clean up his messes and the kids messes from the night before (ie. Laundry, bed-making, dishes etc) He can be very verbally abusive to me and in front of our kids. I will admit I am not totally innocent I sometimes dish it back cause I can't stand it anymore. He has pushed me a few times and thrown things at me so it does sometimes get physical as well. He also tries to deprieve me of sleep by trying to keep me awake when I have to work in the morning because he believes it's a good time to talk then.We have split up in the past for about 6 months when our oldest son was 18 months old because I was diagnosed with MS and he wouldn't accept that I had this disease and said that I was looking for something to be wrong with me. He thought because I don't take medication for it that I was "faking" it. (If you can believe that). We decided to pursue conselling which we had to drove 1 hour to, because my husband didn't want anyone in our small city to know the town family counsellor had his own marriage problems. He also didn't like what the counsellor had to say and said it cost too much. So after one session we didn't go back. He said he would change and after 3 years has made absolutely no effort to do so. I am tempted often to ask him to leave but I work such crazy shifts that I would have no one to care for my children. I know this is a terrible reason to stay with someone but it's the truth. My husband is an excellent father to our kids and often blames me for things they do wrong or their behavior, but because of the way he treats me in front of them I am very worried that they will end up treating women the same way. I also do not have much support where I live, no family other than his parents and sister that live close. He calls me down, says the decisions I make and aspirations I have, are unrealistic because he might have to work harder by looking after our kids while I go back to school so I won't have to work shiftwork anymore. I am really not sure if I love him either. He can be a great guy sometimes but has a Jekyl and Hyde personality and likes to control everything I do, who I hang out with etc. I feel like I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. Any advice for me?

[simoneaugie]

Your husband sounds verbally abusive. And yes, it will get worse, it's quite likely. He is worried what other people think of him, but not you, he treats you like a dog. If he will not resume counselling and let you get some good rest...

I think you deserve to be cherished and honored and protected by your spouse, not used like a cheap maid. Apparently he doesn't realize how good he has it. Leave, or make him leave. You will work out day-care and stuff.

He is not just being a jerk. He can take you down emotionally. Your children will definitely pick up his tactics.

[rsain2004]

My wife is a nurse whom works nights, I am disabled by TBI. Your husband may feel inadequate and defensive. Consider, will living in the present environment for the next 13 years be healthy for the kids? For the next 40 years, will this environment be healthy for you?

One person cannot make a marriage work... it takes two. Do not form the habit of thinking you deserve abuse... no-one does. Has there been any sign of improvement in the past, or is the situation getting worse? With professional detachment, consider your own case from an outside perspective. Good luck, may God bless you.

[Credendovidis]

There seems little future in this relationship unless your husband changes his ways - which he promised to do before but never did.
And as he does not want further counseling it is now up to you to make a firm stand.
I approach your problem more from a pragmatic direction, targeted at solving the problem instead of going for the jugular.

Make a list of all your grievances. Highlight all of those grievances that are points of no compromise to you.
Also make a list of all domestic duties in and around the house. Allow for later additions.
When the children are sleeping and you have no pressure of work the next day, sit down with your husband and give him the list to read (or read it first, than give him the list).

You give him five options :

Option one : as you two are both working, you SHARE the domestic duties in and around the house on a fair equal 1 : 1 basis. If that is agreed upon take the domestic duty list and agree on who does what and when. Prepare a list who does what. Make sure that each gets a fair share.


Option two : look into the option to either reduce your employment from full time to halftime. Can you discuss at your work this possibility prior to talking with your husband? Also get information on the consequences : besides the obvious reduction in salary, also the working hours schedule and other possible changes.
As you two are both working you SHARE the domestic duties in and around the house on a fair 1 (you) : 1/2 (husband) basis. If that is agreed upon take the domestic duty list and agree on who does what and when. Prepare a list who does what. Make sure that each gets a fair share.

Option three : you suggest domestic assistance for one or more days per week. Know the costs involved. Arrange who pays what. As you two are both working you SHARE the remaining domestic duties in and around the house on a fair equal 1 : 1 basis. Discuss the consequences of that for the entire family (financial ).
Note : your free 2 days are free days, just as his free days. If that is agreed upon take the domestic duty list and agree on who does what and when. Prepare a list who does what. Make sure that each gets a fair share.

Option four : you suggest to stop working completely and take all domestic duties upon you for 8 hours maximal per day. Just as hubby your work 8 hours a day and have 2 days free. Split all remaining duties on a fair 1 : 1 basis. If that is agreed upon take the domestic duty list and agree on who does what and when. Prepare a list who does what. Make sure that each gets a fair share.
Discuss the consequences of that for the entire family (financial ), and for yourself (social contact, career, pension plans).

Option five : If you can't come to a compromise you have to make up your mind : either accept the situation or try other STRICT actions (i.e. keep to these actions till the situation improves). Suggestions :

- Prepare warm meals only when convenient to you. Make sure you and the children get enough vitamins and proteins. Make sure that during a common meal to all for hubby there is always bread and peanut butter on the table.
- Do not wash or iron hubbies clothes and longer : leave them in the washing bin. If that blocks the bin, poor every thing back on his bed or his side of the bed. For him to wash and iron.
- Start a sex strike (note that has consequences for yourself too, so get a vibrator ;)
- Stop doing all those domestic duties that are indeed not essential (make a list of these and stick that list to the fridge, with the suggestion that hubby does those if he has any problems with that.

- Final and last possibility : get a temporal separation. Remember that separations often end in divorce, and that than you still have to do all domestic work plus nursing job both.

Notes :

- Make sure you have your "homework" on the procedures and consequences done properly before you start discussing this with hubby.

- Make a list of whatever has been decided, and have a copy for both. Keep also a file of copies of all notes. Date copies (This all for later reference in case it is required during a possible divorce procedure : protect yourself against unfair accusations, and make sure you can prove you did your best to prevent problems that may have lead to the procedure).

I wish you all the best ! Let's hope that common sense may prevail !

;)

[JoeCanada76]

Shift work is hard on a family. Is it possible getting on a straight shift? This is part of the problem here.

As far as you not being completely innocent that is true. It does take two to make a marriage but it does not seem like you make time for him anyway. Communication is key and if you do not communicate to him, and he is trying to then you can see problems will arise.

As far as raising kids you said he is a great father and does a great job. As far as a father being at home and the wife working all the time he probably does feel inadequate.

Communication is the key in marriage and it is not happening.
Work and Shift work is very hard on marriage and kids. That is a fact, especially shift work is very hard on the person who is working. There is a balance that needs to happen in order to try to improve home life.

If after, trying to make attempts in communication and changing some things, if after these things do not help.

Credendovidis, has said it the best. There are steps to take to try to improve everything. If these things do not work, then you know what you need to do.

Joe

[nowheretoturn]

Thank you everyone for your wonderful advice. A few items to clarify. Jesushelper76: I do make time for my husband, I really do, it's just that he would rather do anything but spend time with me, and when he is done "playing" I just don't have the energy to stay up half the night when it is convenient for him! If I am not at work I am at home with my kids. I work 6 12 hour days and 6 12 hour nights a month. I am home with my kids the rest of those days, plus I go to graduate school online. I am very busy but my family always come first. My husband works too full-time but has a very low stress job that is very flexible, I don't. I have considered going half-time but was berated for considering this because he prefers to have a high luxury lifestyle that would not be possible with reducing my hours. I am a very attentive mother and wife and just wish that my husband would appreciate this and try to help out. I really don't think that I am asking for much. Am I?

[nowheretoturn]

P.S. I do have a housekeeper that comes in once every 2 weeks for 2 hours, but seriously my husband thinks that we shouldn't have to clean between those 2 weeks. "Why do I have to do it, that's what she's for?" I have tried to just leave the messes but it never get's done unless I do it. It doesn't bother him to leave dirty dishes in the sink for a week or pee-stains all over the toilet. I can't live like that and don't think that my kids should have to live in a pigsty because dad would rather play video games than clean up after himself!

[Credendovidis]

Shift work is hard on a family. Is it possible getting on a straight shift? This is part of the problem here.

Hi Joe : no that is not the problem. The problem is a lazy husband who's views on sharing domestic duties is totally unfair and incorrect. Both partners work, so both partners should equally share in the domestic duties.

During my 39 years of marriage (today precisely!) I learned to cook, to wash, to do dishes, to iron, to dust, to vacuum clean, to do beds, to tend to the children, etc. etc. etc.
Nowheretoturn's husband has still to start with all that...

BTW : good to see you here !

:rolleyes:

·

[rsain2004]

Congrats on your anniversary... many happy returns.

[nowheretoturn]

Thanks for the support Credendovidis . I was raised by parents who both worked full-time and both my parents shared household chores. Dad did laundry, mom did laundry etc. My husband's parents also worked full-time but his dad didn't and still doesn't cook or clean. I know my husband knows how to do these things but tries his best to get out of cleaning especially. He will cook sometimes but not clean dishes etc when he is done. I must praise and thank him also for doing this because it is a rarity in our house when he does do this. Also my husband feels threatened by my parents because somehow he believes that because my parents share household duties and my mom runs their finances (she's better with money) that my dad is ruled by mother and that she wears the pants. I am not trying to make my husband like my dad at all I would just appreciate some help with household responsibilities. I do not think that this is an unfair request. I help him as much as I can but feel like he is taking advantage of me most of the time. I never have to be asked to do things and expect the same from him. I try not to be a nagging wife, but if I don't ask it won't get done, and then he pouts because I'm telling him what to do! I can't win really. I have tried to do it all and am burning myself out really quickly and then I become resentful of having to do it all. So he has told me to ask for help, I do and then it's a fight.

[N0help4u]

Since he is so down on you about you working tell him you will gladly quit if he can come up with a reasonable budget that allows you to be able to quit and still afford your cost of living.

[simoneaugie]

A lot of thoughts have been written on this subject. If he does indeed feel "inadequate" perhaps that is because he is.

Like I said before, he is being a jerk. Not only that, he's acting like a child who manipulates and abuses his mother, you. Quit playing his game. Demand that he pick up the house several times daily, and put his video game aside long enough to wash his own clothes, wipe up his own pee, prepare dinner and do the dishes too.

What is twisted is that overworked women write to sites like this one wondering if they are somehow doing something wrong. Don't doubt yourself. Do not let his verbal aggression weaken your self-confidence. If this man was your 13-year-old son he would be punished for such behavior. You really can't punish him, you can only take away his free ride.

[0rphan]

There are lots of issues here... was it a joint decision that you would be the bread winner or was is just the fact that you could earn more than your husband, maybe he didn't have a job to start with! You don't say what he does so I'm assuming that he cares for the kids!

I think he is carrying a lot of guilt.. the fact that the woman is the provider which of course is not how it was meant to be... some men would say.

This in itself would make him feel very inadequite, not only as a man but also as a husband and father, however this is not a reason to behave in the manner in which he does towards you, but if you think about it along these lines it is understandable.

I am sorry that you have been diagnosed with MS, my sister has it, so I do know how it can affect some people in different ways, his reaction was one of fear and sheer disbelieve, something else that will add to his guilt, simply dismissing it rather than face the truth.

HE has taken on the woman's roll, which obviously is not working, his behaviour.. verbal abuse, throwing things, laziness, totally unreasonable behaviour that the whole family can no longer accept, therefore something has to change... he is rebelling just like a infant who does not want to do something.

If you want quality of life for yourself and your family then it maybe your rolls will have to reverse, if only for a short time.

You say yourself that, you would ask him to leave, but there would be no one to have the kids and that you work crazy shifts... think about that statement for a moment...
You look upon him as a housekeeper/ childminder, not the man you would like to get an earley night with, could it be that this is how you treat him at the end of each shift!
Do you constantly remind him that you are the bread winner?

I don't think you need councillers you just need some basic understanding of what makes the whole family happy, ask yourselves what will work for us, even if it means a few changes to our lives, surely it has to be worth it.

Find a baby sitter,for when you will both be free, go out just the two of you, relax and clear the air, be prepared yourself to make changes if that is what will keep the family together and happy.

Give each other time to speak and voice their opinion.. above all listen to each other

[Milo Dolezal]

You are in a very unpleasant situation. While I cannot offer any advice to you ( not an expert on relationships ) , I wish you, and your children, the best. Please, come back some time and let us know the conclusion to your situation. Thank you. Milo

[Jake2008]

As someone who has also been married a very long time (33 years this July), it is good to hear the other side of what makes a marriage work under circumstances like yours.

I too had a career, and was in school part time, he also worked full time. While the housework generally fell to me, the rest of it went to him- vehicle maintenance, yard work, repairs, etc.

When kids come along you no loger have the luxury of saying who's job it is to do what needs to be done. There are no 'his' jobs, and there are no 'her' jobs. It's all work that needs to be done, and you should be able to expect that if you've just worked a 12 hour shift, that the other adult should step up without complaining and take care of whatever business needs to be done.

If you cannot rely on your partner to ease the load and share the load, then you have few options. Maybe as someone said, hire a housekeeper to come in once a week. You don't have to explain yourself, or justify this, just do it.

Insist on counselling for your husband and yourself. He needs to learn that his actions are undermining you, overwhelming you, and affecting your children in a negative way.

You need to learn that you should be able to express your concerns, and negotiate reasonable solutions with your husband, and not be verbally abused.

I suspect that you will eventually have to consider leaving him again if this goes from bad to worse, and I worry that because you have assumed most of the work of two people, you will burn out, or get sick, or really lose yourself with depression, and fatigue.

There are consequences for allowing this situation to continue, particularly for you.