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freebs · Jul 29, 2007, 09:22 AM

My boyfriend is a very sexy looking half asian 38 year old with a difficult past. He is impressive, strong and very individual and a great friend. However, he never seems very interested in sex and doesn't want oral sex at all. We have sex about once every two weeks. I have wondered before if he may be gay, but have generally dismissed it as unlikely. However, I have been away for a couple of months and back for a month. While I was away he had full use of my lap top and my flat, i.e. internet connection. Now my computer has just informed me that 178 asian gay porn sites AND other porn sites have been visited on my computer and I need to delet these files. It won't however let me install the programme it suggests I use to delete it telling me it is a virus.

This situation has raised a numbere of questions for me. i.e. 1. Is my boyfriend gay or does he just fear intimacy because so many people that he has loved and been close to are now dead? 2. Were these sites actually visited at all or is this just another elaborate virus? 3. How do I find out? 4. Am I with the wrong man?

Arrg!

GlindaofOz · Jul 29, 2007, 09:32 AM

Can you look in your computers history to see if these sites were actually visited? From what I've seen a virus will usually download stuff not visit websites. If you open your internet browser and click on history you can see all the sites visited while you were gone.

With that being said if you suspect that your boyfriend is gay I don't think there is much you can do in getting him to come clean. How long have you two been together?

In my opinion, if you are getting a feeling that something is off then you are probably right. Women have great intuition. Whether its because he is gay I cannot say. But if you having doubts and feel unsatisfied in your relationship then I'd say you may be with the wrong person. This is situation I've never been in or known of anyone to be in but there are plenty of gay men out there who live straight lives for one reason or another. I think if you ask him straight out if he's gay and he says no he might be put off the relationship.

There are plenty of people from all walks of life so hopefully someone has some real world experience with it. For now I'd do some digging on your computer and see what you come up with.

freebs · Jul 29, 2007, 09:38 AM

Hiya

Thank you for responding to my question so quickly - you sound like a very sensible person. I will take a look on myt computer right away. I've been with my boyfriend for 1 and a half years. It's been a great relationship in lots of ways, but he has been in the process of coming out of a shell and becoming more and more affectionate and committed. I generally have put this down to him having been dealt such a rubbish pack of cards in life. I agree with you that comfronting him directly is not the right strategy. For me, it's the best relationship I have ever had - but I feel I need to know if it has a future as I could be wasting my time!

GlindaofOz · Jul 29, 2007, 09:41 AM

It is a tough situation. I would not want to say oh yes he is in fact gay because who knows. Maybe it was a virus and your boyfriend is still shy with intimacy for a myriad of reasons. But he sounds like a great guy and for your sake I hope he is straight and planning on spending a long life with you. Best!

freebs · Jul 29, 2007, 09:48 AM

Thanks Glinda of Oz - whoever you are! (P.S. Great piccy)

preyinghands · Jul 30, 2007, 02:06 PM

Why are you women always willing to ignore the obvious? I have seen dozens of marriages collapse because women who suspected their husbands/boyfriends of being gay after having it literally flung in their faces but never simply asked the other. HE'S GAY! But many couples have wonderful relationships even after finding out the truth if they can be honest with one another.

silly_a1804 · Jul 30, 2007, 11:32 PM

Maybe he just likes boy on boy pron. I'm srtaight and I like girl on girl! And my husband knows.

freebs · Jul 31, 2007, 03:15 AM

Originally Posted by preyinghands

Why are you women always willing to ignore the obvious? I have seen dozens of marriages collapse because women who suspected their husbands/boyfriends of being gay after having it literally flung in their faces but never simply asked the other. HE'S GAY! But many couples have wonderful relationships even after finding out the truth if they can be honest with one another.

Hi Preying hands - (interesting name!)

If it was obvious then it wouldn't be a problem would it! This is not being 'flung in my face'. It could equally be a spyware infection on my computer or a case of a man with a low sex drive who is simply not used to being close and romantic to anyone. If he is gay then I'm sure I could deal with it sensibly, but at the moment I'm feeling 60/40 in favour of him not being so. You seem mighty sure given you've never met him I must say!

katkat05 · Aug 6, 2007, 10:19 AM

The sex you have with him is so few and far in between, plus the gay porn sites, that's two plus two... it adds up to four. You are right to be suspicious, you already have the gut feeling that something ain't right. Do not ignore it as your life depends on it, (HIV) If he is 38 and not out of the closet because of whatever reason he may never be able to admit it to you, or even himself. I say get out while the gettin' is good and get yourself tested for all sexually transmitted diseases. You'd be stupid if you didn't.

Synnen · Aug 6, 2007, 11:27 AM

Originally Posted by katkat05

The sex you have with him is so few and far in between, plus the gay porn sites, thats two plus two....it adds up to four. You are right to be suspicious, you already have the gut feeling that something ain't right. Do not ignore it as your life depends on it, (HIV) If he is 38 and not out of the closet because of whatever reason he may never be able to admit it to you, or even himself. I say get out while the gettin' is good and get yourself tested for all sexually transmitted diseases. You'd be stupid if you didn't.

You speak as though STDs are the sole province of gay men.

While I think that anyone who believes their partner has been cheating should get checked for STDs and HIV, that isn't the concern of the original poster.

You are just as likely to get an STD through unprotected heterosexual intercourse as you are from unprotected homosexual intercourse.

To the original poster: The only way you are going to find out for sure is to ask. While that may be awkward, if it is preying on you this badly, you will need to communicate with your partner to have a healthy relationship regardless.

statictable · Aug 6, 2007, 02:26 PM

Originally Posted by freebs

My boyfriend is a very sexy looking half asian 38 year old with a difficult past. He is impressive, strong and very individual and a great friend. However, he never seems very interested in sex and doesn't want oral sex at all. We have sex about once every two weeks. I have wondered before if he may be gay, but have generally dismissed it as unlikely. However, I have been away for a couple of months and back for a month. While I was away he had full use of my lap top and my flat, i.e. internet connection. Now my computer has just informed me that 178 asian gay porn sites AND other porn sites have been visited on my computer and I need to delet these files. It won't however let me install the programme it suggests I use to delete it telling me it is a virus.

This situation has raised a numbere of questions for me. i.e. 1. Is my boyfriend gay or does he just fear intimacy because so many people that he has loved and been close to are now dead? 2. Were these sites actually visited at all or is this just another elaborate virus? 3. How do I find out? 4. Am I with the wrong man?

Arrg!

I can help you with deleting but need to know what your using,, W98 etc. Your first and most pressing question I believe has been answered. Best wishes.