[aboleth]

Hello,

I've posted here before when I was going through a divorce. It was an utterly horrible time in my life. I received a lot of advice, and a lot of support from the people who fequent these forums, and for this I give my thanks and appreciation. I learned a little bit (or perhaps alot) about the nature of things when people grow apart of come together. At the time, everything seemed so hopeless and miserable. I stuck to my guns, and stopped contacting her. I've realized since then how much better off I am. She was a great gal, and I wish her the best, but infidelity is not something I could deal with, and it took some solid advice before I could be allright with "giving up hope" on the relationship.

So, with that being said... Thanks so much for your positive replies.

Now, let me get to the question part of my post. I haven't talked to my ex in months. Since then, I've been... well to put it bluntly, totally slutting out. Had some one night stands, saw a few girls once in a while who were ex's or "friends"... etc. I never lied to anyone about where I was at, but if 2 consenting adults want to get it on... then allright. Ultimately, however... I've decided that I much prefer a relationship. So, I kept dating around, and figured - perhaps I'll just keep dating until I find someone who makes me say "wow".

Well, I suppose I lucked out. I found one I actually like. (for more reasons than one, mind you). She's intellectually stimulating, attractive, and seems very genuine. Her interest level in me seems through the roof. I'm pretty happy with the situation. She lives about an hour away, which kind of sucks, but it's not really so bad. An hour is about the maximum distance I'd want to travel to see someone, and it's well worth it.

Now, here's the situation. She's telling me she loves me, and although I really really like her, and can totally see myself with her, I'm a bit apprehensive yet. I told her she's the type of person I could fall in love with, and I left it at that. I certainly don't want to scare her off or make her think I'm lacking in the commitment department, but at the same time I've got to remain true to how I actually feel, and remain a bit guarded after being burned so badly after 7 years with the last one. She seems allright with my reply, but I suppose having a few opinions on the situation would help me.

I also hate being on the phone. I love talking to her, but I really am unable to get into a good conversation over the phone... I think it might be some sort of mental block, as I'm pretty damn good at it in person. The hour long drive and her level of interest means a lot of phone conversations! I keep running out of things to say... 99% of my phone conversations last under 30 seconds. (with other people) Any pointers there, or am I just utterly retarded when it comes to socializing over the phone?

Anyhow, thanks for reading,

Nick

[N0help4u]

She seems content with your saying she is the type you could fall in love with so
Give it time and get to know her. If you are able to move closer to her then do that if and when you are able. You can take it slow and see her as often as you can. If she is all that crazy about you then it should be good.

[talaniman]

If your thinking of building a relationship, over the phone, good luck. It won't be easy ,and not having face to face time, is down right frustrating, so count on making travel plans. Try to explain it, and see if you two can work together, to make this work.

[aboleth]

It's a small word, isn't it? As for the advice on creating a relationship via the phone. You are absolutely correct. I never was under the impression that that's how the relationship would ultimately come to fruition. Time spent together is so much more valued. Fortunately, we've both been very willing to come over to the other's home on weekends, and I'm actually taking some (well deserved) time off from work to see her at the end of this week.

My schedule is pretty flexible, so I'm sure I'll be able to make it out on weekdays once in a while. She has a child, and that is her first priority, as it should be. During the weeks she is spending time with him and being a mom. I could certainly come over and hang out with both of them, as I adore children, and this is not problem with me. I think that it works out pretty well however. I certainly don't want to be a distraction from her mom time, as she doesn't get a whole lot of it during the weekdays. Having a job, then picking him up fram daycare, etc, probably leaves her a good 3 hours at night to really relax and have fun with him. On the weekends when she has him, I'm also more than happy to go hang out.

An interesting update to this, however. While bored at work, she came across my post. "Aboleth" is not a very popular word, and I suppose I'm not so hard to track down :) I believe she was googling the meaning of the word "aboleth" and came across this site. (my profile is actually pretty high up on Google search). Anyhow, she emailed me and was concerned about a few things. Without going into detail, I will tell you it had a lot do do with the length of time between giving up on my last relationship, and meeting her. I had said some things things in my above post in this thread, as well - that made her a bit scared about where she stood as far as a relationship, and if I was ready to commit to a new relationship.

So, I haven't been looking for a bounceback. I haven't really been "looking" for anything, except to meet new people. Again, I just really lucked out and found a very special person, perhaps earlier than I had expected. If any of the other people I'd dated made me feel this way, perhaps I'd be with them. I've also realized through the tortures endured in my last relationship, that I no longer want anything to do with my ex.

So, new question for you all...

I can totally understand why she would be very scared walking into a relationship with a guy who is potentially "damaged goods". I know I'm not damaged goods, and I'm willing to stay committed, as I am very happy with her. I honestly don't even really think about my ex anymore, except for when she had to get her mail a few times, and to talk about things related to the divorce, I don't talk to her or answer her calls, unless I'm dumb and don't check the caller ID before answering. I'm happier. I've realized I deserve so much more than to be cheated on. So, what do you guys and girls think? I'm of the opinion that love isn't something you're ready for or not ready for, it just comes up and bites you in the . Obviously, the timeline, and story of my breakup with my ex is posted here public, and anyone can see it. I'm not going to change that, as I really don't have anything to hide. I went through some horrible stuff, and I suppose it's all just part of moving on. The person I'm with now isn't a replacement, she's a great person. I have done my best to affirm this with her.

Any advice to be given here? Let it rip. We're 2 people who are a bit apprehensive and scared about getting their hearts trampled on. (we've both been cheated on... )

[talaniman]

If its worth the risk, go for it. I always look forward, and leave the past where it belongs, behind you. I don't know anyone who ever got a darn thing without taking a calculated risk. But fear is good, keeps you on you toes. Wish you both all the luck.