[orgless]

Then why are so many on boards like this having such troubles getting there, me included?

I don't think I have any real problems as such , I was brought up to believe that sex was something for after marriage and that only a man has orgasms, I never knew anything about then for us women until 4 yrs back, and since my husband has found out about the lack of them for me and the fact that I have never had one in my life, he has gone about trying to change that for me, but unfortunatlely with little effect over this amount of time, I can't even say anything really regarding the sex we had or do have as its for him really as I simply don't feel much of anything at all other than him going in and out of me, am I really that unusual?

[ChihuahuaMomma]

No you are not unusual. You are perfectly normal. A lot of women, myself included, have to be in a very specific position to have an orgasm. I can only be on top, never had one any other way. I would suggest trying different positions.

[progunr]

There really is more to making love, and finding ways to please your partner, than just the old "in and out" as Alex put it in Clockwork Orange.

Has he tried anything else in this quest to bring you to an orgasm?

[Synnen]

I think, honestly, that it's a mental block with you, Orgless.

If you're taught that sex is ONLY for marriage, and never taught that it's for pleasure--well, it's hard to find the thrill in the act. Do you or did you ever feel all bubbly inside from kissing? Did a touch make your hand tingle? That excitement is the beginning part of arousal. Obviously, it gets to be more than that--but you have to be mentally in the state for it. And really... after years of it not being anything for you, it's going to be hard to find that spark of excitement that grows into the flames of lust and burns down to the embers of arousal.

So no.. it's not unusual for a woman to not experience orgasm. MOST women have problems having an orgasm--at least until they have their first one ;) Do I think it's unusual to not feel any arousal? Yes--but I think some of that has to do with the fact that you were brought up to believe that arousal was bad and that only bad girls (the ones who because hookers, etc) were ever aroused, and the good girls (the ones that got married) only had sex as part of the deal that surrounded marriage.

I'd be interested to know (not that you have to feel you need to share it--it would just be interesting to me) HOW you found out that women should be experiencing arousal/orgasms/etc, and how you never found out prior to that. I mean... I remember that famous scene from "When Harry Met Sally"---and I was probably in junior high at the time--but I also have read romance novels, and seen so many movies, and read enough books that were just best-sellers, with nothing that smutty about them, that I've pretty much known that women receive pleasure from sex/making out/kissing/fondling/etc since waaaaaay before I was doing it. I'd just be curious to find out the circumstances surrounding how you didn't know.

Please understand--i'm not trying to make you feel badly here. It's just hard for me to put myself in your shoes--and I really do want to help you. But I'm having a hard time with that because I really am having a hard time understanding it. That's no knock on you--if anything, it's a knock on myself for not being more understanding. Either way, I'm sure I'm making a mess of this explanation, and I just wanted you to know my opinion, and to express my curiosity without making you feel pressured.

[Xrayman]

Good question Synnen.

[Fr_Chuck]

I would , as the partner be unhappy if I failed my partner to reach an organism, even if it took doing that in foreplay. Both parties having equal enjoyment is important, since sex is suppose to be a shared enjoyment.

When the women is not having equal enjoyment she first needs to find out about her own body and has to have open communication to share what she needs to her partner.

The idea that it is something that man does and it is over, should have long ago been erased. But then people still think pulling out is birth control.

[MOWERMAN2468]

There are numerous reasons too many to list. Try different positions, lighting, then the mood of the room may help. Let yourself go and enjoy.

[KISS]

Women can also orgasm in different methods.

One lady friend orgasmed by me tounging her foot, another just by saying " for me". No touching at all for the last one and the 10 or so after that. Getting there was 1/2 the fun. Oral and toys seem to be easier for women to get off.

Then there are different types such as 1) the uncontrollable body movments sometimes rhythmic, sometimes not and 2) A single contraction of the vagina (most common)

Yea, it takes effort, because you may be dealing with the 2 minute man and the 20 minute women. Foreplay is essenial. Removing the mind-block is essential.

[JoeCanada76]

The only thing for you to do is practise, relaxation is key. You need to let yourself go and try new toys to see if you can reach it. Touch yourself and masterbate and learn what makes you feel good and eventually after rediscovering your body and learning about your body you will be able to show your husband and teach him what makes you feel good.. I do believe you will start relaxing and enjoying this new experiences for you, you will start to have orgasms. Too much stress in trying to get one will not help. Have to relax, and explore and get some toys for yourself.

[Synnen]

Please read ALL of the threads by the OP before answering. There's quite a history on this board, and I think that answers would be more helpful if you follow the whole thing.

I don't think this is just a matter of trying new positions, new toys, just relaxing, etc. The OP has TRIED all of that already.

[JoeCanada76]

Where exactly is that said? Synnen who exactly is your post directed to?

[Synnen]

Kind of at everyone.

Orgless has several posts here about her situation, and she's tried many different things to fix it.

I wasn't trying to point my finger at any person specifically--just pointing out in general that her situation is a unique one that has some background posted here at AMHD, and that it would be helpful to anyone trying to help her to look at that background.

[charlotte234s]

Try to relax and focus on the fact that you are not just having sex, you are making love to your partner. If you focus too much on the orgasm, it may never come, at least in my opinion. My boyfriend is a good lover and very considerate, but when I was with him the first few times, I was so nervous about him and the newness and all that I just focused on having an orgasm so he didn't feel inadequate (which he is not by any means), and it didn't happen at first until I wasn't nervous and I just got into it like it was naturally supposed to be. You should try to experiment with yourself for a little bit during the day and then have your partner do the same things with you at night. If you think sex is dirty or wrong, change that tune right away, 'cause there's nothing wrong with it. Do yourself a favor and love your body and love your sexuality. Pull down the shades and just walk around the house naked all day, it's amazing what it does to help you loosen up. *make sure if you have kids, they're not home haha

[orgless]

Morning everyone I will try and answer your questions Synnen in the paragraphs you asked OK?

I think, honestly, that it's a mental block with you, Orgless.

If you're taught that sex is ONLY for marriage, and never taught that it's for pleasure--well, it's hard to find the thrill in the act. Do you or did you ever feel all bubbly inside from kissing? Did a touch make your hand tingle? That excitement is the beginning part of arousal. Obviously, it gets to be more than that--but you have to be mentally in the state for it. And really...after years of it not being anything for you, it's going to be hard to find that spark of excitement that grows into the flames of lust and burns down to the embers of arousal.

no i never did feel bubbly inside, hatever that is and still dont feel that way, ive never felt a tingle anywhere on my body other than say if i was getting a head rub or something such as that
So no..it's not unusual for a woman to not experience orgasm. MOST women have problems having an orgasm--at least until they have their first one ;) Do I think it's unusual to not feel any arousal? Yes--but I think some of that has to do with the fact that you were brought up to believe that arousal was bad and that only bad girls (the ones who because hookers, etc) were ever aroused, adn the good girls (the ones that got married) only had sex as part of the deal that surrounded marriage.

I'd be interested to know (not that you have to feel you need to share it--it would just be interesting to me) HOW you found out that women should be experiencing arousal/orgasms/etc, and how you never found out prior to that. I mean....I remember that famous scene from "When Harry Met Sally"---and I was probably in junior high at the time--but I also have read romance novels, and seen so many movies, and read enough books that were just best-sellers, with nothing that smutty about them, that I've pretty much known that women receive pleasure from sex/making out/kissing/fondling/etc since waaaaaay before I was doing it. I'd just be curious to find out the circumstances surrounding how you didn't know.

this is easy to answer, i dont watch tv or films i find them totaly boring, the tv may be on in thehouse but i switch off from it all and dont even listen, hubby might be glued to the story line etc etc but i havent even a clue who the actors are, same with books, i dont read as its just a load of words on a page for me that means nothing, and the odd thing that i have seen the noises those women made i thought they where in pain the same as me!!! why would i want to atch someone in pain? i had gone to my doctor and she had asked me about having orgasms, and i laughed at her saying that was only for men, she didnt offer any further enlightenment tho, it wasnt til i got home and told my hubby what she had said, that he ever found out that i didnt have a clue what an orgasm felt like, he took things for granted that during sex i felt the same sort of things as he did and since finding otherwise hes been trying to change that but none hs ever worked, oral is a waste of time, unless you want me to go to sleep that is, i dont even know what he does down there, manual is just plain poking around but that generaly hurts me, so what am i left with? not a lot am i?
Please understand--i'm not tryin to make you feel badly here. It's just hard for me to put myself in your shoes--and I really do want to help you. But I'm having a hard time with that because I really am having a hard time understanding it. That's no knock on you--if anything, it's a knock on myself for not being more understanding. Either way, I'm sure I'm making a mess of this explanation, and I just wanted you to know my opinion, and to express my curiosity without making you feel pressured.

That's OK perhaps I don't explain myself well as I really don't know what's going on or not as the case may be, I can only tell you how it actually is for me.

[Synnen]

Morning right back atcha :)

Thanks for explaining more, Orgless. If you don't really read, don't watch TV, and aren't a movie person, I can see how it would seem like the women were in pain instead of pleasure.

I really don't think that it's physical with you. I really think there is some sort of mental block there, and it's compounded by the fact that you're frustrated with trying to figure out the whole arousal thing. Especially if you've never had that bubbly tingling feeling that I tend to associate with first dates. And when you add on top of THAT that your husband really wants to please you, and on top of THAT that your doctor didn't take you seriously--well, I'm sure the frustration level is through the roof.

I honestly have no idea what to say. It sounds like you have a good man in your husband, one that cares for you. I am going to assume that you love him as well? That's a great start to the whole thing--genuine caring and trust in each other. It also sounds like you're willing to keep working and trying, even though you're not really sure what it isyou're working towards. Considering how frustrating the whole thing must be for you, that says a lot about your strength of character, and about your willingness to keep trying, even though you haven't had much luck to this point. I think that most people would have given up--I think it's great that you haven't.

I really just wish I had more advice for you, but I honestly think you need to see a counselor, and that leaves you kind of screwed because of your medical system in the UK. Let me think on this a little more and see what kind of resources I can come up with. I have only been awake for about 30 minutes here, and that's just not enough for my brain to work 100% here.

[KISS]

I do think that there is a mental block here, but for those men unsure of what to do, here is a few "How to" links:

Everyman's Handy Guide to Cunnilingus - How To - Literotica.com

How to Pleasure a Lady - & Yourself - How To - Literotica.com

How to Me - How To - Literotica.com

There are proabably two elements missins: 1) the upbringing. 2) the How-to with #1 having the greatest impact.

[N0help4u]

I have a bit of a mental block and believe it or not what does it for me is
Having my head at an angle lower than the rest of my body. Pillow under my head forget it!
Try that but also find what feels best otherwise too.

[rowan1]

Your right. Similar history. Weird outcome. Baaad past. No reason to want to climax. But now... pretty cool. What sounds weird is that there was something I read in cosmo (not a usual reader). It went something like this... orgasms are difficult to achieve and/or maintain if some one is distracted... but not in those simple terms... I found myself sooo concerned in my partners pleasure, in being "with" him in the moment that I would not allow myself to enjoy the state of arousal... to be allowed to let it take me away/to give myself over to it... it takes a lot of trust (to not feel laughed at), and the understanding that your partner wants to see this from you. That it helps him. And that it arouses him. (or her). And that you're not leaving them "out". I'm still learning:o but that helped a lot. It helps if you have someone that finds pleasing you the more important. That they receive just as much pleasure with the sex as without... that is truly making Love...

[brazilia]

then why are so many on boards like this having such troubles getting there, me included?

i dont think i have any real problems as such , i was brought up to believe that sex was something for after marriage and that only a man has orgasms, i never knew anything about then for us women til 4 yrs back, and since my husband has found out about the lack of them for me and the fact that i have never had one in my life, he has gone about trying to change that for me, but unfortunatlely with little effect over this amount of time, i can't even say anything really regarding the sex we had or do have as its for him really as i simply dont feel much of anything at all other than him going in and out of me, am i really that unusual?

You probably don't know when you having one maybe.. it took me awhile to figure out.. :p

[orgless]

If that was the ase then why do so many say you will know if and when you do? And seeing as I feel nothing going on at all then surely I would know if I did ever get there?