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Julie67 · May 5, 2010, 07:14 PM

This is my first time I really identify with some of the posts I've been with my partner for 16 years although we had a few years before I left him after my dad died then got back with him I'm 42 he's 44 at some point he used to always want sex due to health problem with endometreosis which I eventually had a hysterectomy I just didn't want sex not long after I had 2 discs come out and had another operation and I can't fault him on his support that was 5 years ago and I have had back problems since. But I am confused now the last time he initiated sex was over 3 months ago, in that time I've been away for 2 weeks came back all taned felt quite good about myself nothing, then he had a week away again nothing, because of my health I have put on a bit of weight but not that much. He's never been great at compliment stuff and in all honesty neither am I, I also will only drop a few hints then shut down, I can be a bit of a prude my cathlicness I think but when we do have sex it's enjoyable I
Just feel like it don't bother him or the porn meets his needs theier a lot more energetic, younger and slimmer than me or he's seeing someone. It's where I don't know and I am taking it personally. Would appreciate feedback I do have lovely friends but will not talk about this side of things.

Julie67 · May 6, 2010, 05:54 AM

I don't want to sound desperate, but this morning I lost it and said if your not happy or I'm too old/fat go, he then said it's not me it's just where he's been at. That don't make things or me feel better and now I pressume he'll initiate it out of guilt/pity. All I know is my needs and wants are valid and I would like to think I find courage to call it a day if things don't improve.

Cat1864 · May 6, 2010, 06:07 AM

How is the rest of the relationship? Have there been any other changes in other areas?

It sounds like the two of you need to sit down and have an open and honest conversation about concerns, wants, and needs. No finger pointing or accusations, just a calm discussion.

I think that with your health concerns he may be a little hesitant to initiate anything in case you aren't up to it. He may also be used to masturbating to relieve the sexual tension and needs to be guided back into being with a partner. IF you are feeling better, you may need to be more proactive to let him know that you are interested and ready.

How is his health? When was the last time he had a check up? Is he stressed at work? How is the stress level at home? All of these are factors that can lower anyone's libido and you won't know if it is any of them or something else unless you talk with him.

Good luck.

Julie67 · May 6, 2010, 07:00 AM

Thank you other areas are OK he works in a substance missuse organisation and I know he's had problems with his brother who is a drug addict. He's very good with our son and financially everything is down to him. I find it difficult to do the calm thing I act as though everythings fine but am fuming then eventually snap. He said to go for a meal so I will try and talk there.

Cat1864 · May 6, 2010, 07:01 AM

She asked a question in Adult Sexuality on this topic with more information.

Cat1864 · May 6, 2010, 07:04 AM

Originally Posted by Julie67

Thank you other areas are ok he works in a substance missuse organisation and I know he's had problems with his brother who is a drug addict. He's very good with our son and financially everything is down to him. I find it difficult to do the calm thing I act as though everythings fine but am fuming then eventually snap. He said to go for a meal so I will try and talk there.

If that doesn't help, you might try finding a neutral party (counselor, clergy, etc.) to mediate a discussion so that it does stay calm.

Try to keep an open mind and listen as well as share. Good luck.

Julie67 · May 7, 2010, 08:11 AM

I'm trying to stay focused but feel so paranoid that something is going on every time I try to calmly express myself he says it's probably the menapause and turns it back on me. I will go for this meal but feel really insecure and pathetic for feeling this way.

Gemini54 · May 7, 2010, 10:48 PM

Sometimes it's really hard for men when their partners haven't wanted sex for a while - for whatever reason. They seem to just turn of and then it's hard to 'switch them on' again, or they find it hard to find their mojo again because they've got used to having their advances rejected.

This happened to my husband when I went through a period of a couple of years when my libido was really low, in fact non-existent. When it started to come back, my libido that is, I found my husband was passive and seemingly not interested in sex (and I started to panic a little, just like you!).

What we had to do, and it took time, was talk about it, and I began to initiate sex more often so that he knew I was interested. We also went away for weekends and a couple of holidays (when we were both feeling relaxed) and it all really helped.

Talking and going out to dinner is a really good start. Try not to take it personally, remember he may have taken your previous lack of interest personally and may have shut down a little. Initiate sex and don't always leave it up to your husband, let him know that you still find him attractive!

Men can be just as sensitive about these things as we are!