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inertia · Jul 19, 2009, 08:46 PM

So, let's say you're not in a relationship anymore. Before that, you had sex with all sorts of people, but now you feel like it's not worth the risk to have sex with someone you aren't willing to get pregnant with plus, you don't want to hurt anyone.

It's been a while for me at this point, the longest I've gone in about 8 years. I can't cave in and sleep with someone just for the sake of sex and I haven't met anyone I'm really all that interested in dating.

I'm not obsessed or anything, but I really do miss it. I've heard from friends that are married that tell me they have actually gone longer than me without. I know sex isn't the point of marriage, but can a sexless marriage survive? Am I just an addict? My ex thought my libido was pretty overwhelming. I don't spend all day thinking about it or anything, but I really do miss it.

What do I do? What do you do?

BlackVY · Jul 19, 2009, 09:25 PM

Hmmm...

Take care of yourself??

Gemini54 · Jul 20, 2009, 12:47 AM

Look, people do all sorts of things - they satisfy themselves, they work long hours, play sport, they eat, they drink, they go out to places where they might meet people they like.

Some people care less that others about sex- and for some people a sexless marriage can survive - although judging from the posts on this forum there aren't many!

Of course you miss sex, it's not just about the sensation it's also about the closeness and the connection between 2 people. Sure, you can get off on your own, but for many people this isn't sustainable on a long term basis.

Perhaps it's time to put yourself back on the dating market again, you never know who you might meet.

chetatkinsLA · Jul 20, 2009, 12:51 AM

I´m on the same boat as you are... and all I can do is "do it myself". Actually it's a lot better than doing it with somebody you will later regret... IMHO.

The fact that maybe my ex is having crazy sex right now with her new boyfriend while I´m here reading a forum doesn´t help... but... patience... somebody will come :D

inertia · Jul 20, 2009, 06:25 AM

Yeah, self gratification is fine, but hardly the same thing. Chet, your post made me laugh (with you). It just sucks.

I wish · Jul 20, 2009, 06:35 AM

I think that you just need to get back on the dating scene. Maybe you will meet someone you really like. But if you don't put yourself out there, you'll have to do the waiting game.

Finding someone to share your time and feelings with can really fill in some of the holes of a sexless life.

Take control and get out there!

slapshot_oi · Jul 20, 2009, 06:38 AM

I hear you man, I got nuts when I'm in a drought. I was doing okay for the past couple months but it looks like the dry season has returned quicker than I expected.

The definition of an addict is when he does something he knows is wrong so often that it affects nearly everything in his life, wants to stop, but just can't. If this is you, then you have a problem, otherwise, it's just you being a man.

There will be another one, there always is.

inertia · Jul 20, 2009, 06:39 AM

Oh yeah, "the dating scene". Are you kidding? I'm not going to go to bars and clubs or other "single" hangouts. I'm living my life the way I am. I'll meet someone compatible doing it this way. It just takes a while and it's driving me a little crazy.

inertia · Jul 20, 2009, 06:40 AM

Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

There will be another one, there always is.

Exactly. Sooner vs later would be nice, that's all. In college, no problem. When I was living downtown, no problem. Late twenties, in the suburbs... a little harder.

sweet1028 · Jul 20, 2009, 06:47 AM

At least you are smart enough not to just go out and with random people to satisfy your needs. I give you credit for that.

Get out there and start dating. Of course you might not find a good girl wanting to have sex really soon after meeting you. You will just have to be patient.

Marriage without sex is possible I guess. But the closeness and the love that's shared during is nothing less than amazing. Relax you are not going to live the rest of your life without sex. =D

sweet1028 · Jul 20, 2009, 06:50 AM

Originally Posted by inertia

Oh yeah, "the dating scene". Are you kidding? I'm not going to go to bars and clubs or other "single" hangouts. I'm living my life the way I am. I'll meet someone compatible doing it this way. It just takes a while and it's driving me a little crazy.

You don't have to go to those places to be in the dating scene. Let some friends possibly some girlfriends know that you are available and looking for Mrs. Right. Couldn't hurt for your friends to help you out, a couple blind dates may be awkward, but if you was to find the one you will fall in love with, it's worth a shot.

inertia · Jul 20, 2009, 06:51 AM

Originally Posted by sweet1028

At least you are smart enough not to just go out and with random people to satisfy your needs. I give you credit for that.

Get out there and start dating. Of course you might not find a good girl wanting to have sex really soon after meeting you. You will just have to be patient.

Marriage without sex is possible I guess. But the closeness and the love that's shared during is nothing less than amazing. Relax you are not going to live the rest of your life without sex. =D

Haha, I hope not. No, I wouldn't expect a quality girl to sleep with me asap. I'm smart now. I didn't used to be. That's the crux of my situation. I know I can "do that", but I've outgrown it. So here I am, dry as a bone and feeling frustrated.

inertia · Jul 20, 2009, 06:54 AM

Originally Posted by sweet1028

You don't have to go to those places to be in the dating scene. Let some friends possibly some girlfriends know that you are available and looking for Mrs. Right. Couldn't hurt for your friends to help you out, a couple blind dates may be awkward, but if you was to find the one you will fall in love with, it's worth a shot.

Oh, my friends and their SOs are hard at work on the case. I've gone on a few blind dates, but no real chemistry. There was one girl, but a the time, she had heard I was badly burned by my ex and she thought I needed more time. She has since found another boyfriend.

jjwoodhull · Jul 20, 2009, 06:54 AM

You do not sound like an addict at all. Just someone who has a healthy appetite for sex. It is not unusual to crave sex and companionship when you are single. And your decision to avoid one night stands is a mature attitude.

There are lots of places other than bars to meet people. Maybe think about joining a new group - like a bowling team, book club, volunteer organization, church, etc. - as a venue to meet new people with similar interests.

Other than that, just keep being yourself. Someone will come along.

sweet1028 · Jul 20, 2009, 06:56 AM

It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. You are mature. Just because you miss sex and want sex, you are not out there having fun with any girl up to it. I don't see why it would be hard for you to get a girlfriend.

inertia · Jul 20, 2009, 06:59 AM

Originally Posted by sweet1028

It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. You are mature. Just because you miss sex and want sex, you are not out there having fun with any girl up to it. I don't see why it would be hard for you to get a girlfriend.

It's not. It's hard for me to find someone I like (someone I wouldn't want to change). Sounds terribly arrogant, but a cute girl with a brain in her head that doesn't have a following of "male friends". That's it. Can't seem to find the combo.

inertia · Jul 20, 2009, 07:06 AM

I know smart and pretty girls are in demand at the moment, but I don't have the patience for a girl that leads on a bunch of guys to feel good about herself. Real "guy friends" are fine. Not the ones that want sleep with her given the chance. I don't understand people who need all of those admirers. I find it draining to be around someone that likes me when I'm not interested.

sweet1028 · Jul 20, 2009, 07:07 AM

Yes that is true. Rarely find a cute girl who has a brain and personality too. Well I guess the only thing I can say now is to try to be a little bit more open minded to different types of girls. Opposites attract keep in mind. =D

inertia · Jul 20, 2009, 07:15 AM

Originally Posted by sweet1028

Yes that is true. Rarely find a cute girl who has a brain and personality too. Well I guess the only thing I can say now is to try to be a little bit more open minded to different types of girls. Opposites attract keep in mind. =D

Ummm, what? Be open to ugly or stupid girls? That's not in the cards. When I say cute, I don't mean magazine cover. I mean cute. When I smart, I don't mean Harvard grad. I mean concern for a world outside their own little drama filled clubbing life.

sweet1028 · Jul 20, 2009, 07:27 AM

Originally Posted by inertia

Ummm, what? Be open to ugly or stupid girls? That's not in the cards. When I say cute, I don't mean magazine cover. I mean cute. When I smart, I don't mean Harvard grad. I mean concern for a world outside their own little drama filled clubbing life.

Nooo, just have a good time when you go out on a blind date. Don't be processing everything in your head that she says and then when she says one wrong things, you are thinking no way you are not for me. If you can have fun with her, try a second date get to know her a little better. You don't have to be with a ugly girl or a stupid girl, but who knows some girl who is a little below your standards of "cute" may have all the other qualities you are looking for. Stupid girls, well that just explains itself haha.