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    ProllySomeDay's Avatar
    ProllySomeDay Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Mar 4, 2018, 01:51 PM
    Justification for Extramarital Affair
    Hello all,

    I have a co-worker who is approaching 57. He is married, has 2 daughters (one of them is roughly my age).
    Long story short, I recently learned something I wasn't expecting to from this man; he frequents this Adult extramarital affair website called AshleyMadison.com

    What he does in his private life is NOT my business, I get it. But he lately has been approaching me for an intimate, nonsexual affair (since he can't have sex due to a major surgery he had), and he claims I understand him, I would be a suitable, excellent lover, yada yada, blah blah. He said he mainly wants to hold me, kiss me, touch me, and talk about intimate things.

    I of course said no, but his justifications are what deeply disturb me.
    He basically said that he has long made peace with his need to find an extra lover, and that it isn't a matter of being 'happy' or unhappy, he simply embraces and finds love wherever it is offered. He also went on to say that this is something out of the norm, and that I will never understand it because only those who seek other lovers outside of a marriage will understand this (as if it is magical or mystical).

    All I want people's thoughts and opinions on is why someone who claims to be happily married would do this? Why justify cheating?

    It's just sad how some people in this world who have some decency and virtue are constantly looking for stable relationships, yet never seem to make it work, and this moron has a lot going for him, and selfishly wants more.
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,318, Reputation: 5972
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    #2

    Mar 4, 2018, 03:30 PM
    Frankly I would be more disturbed by the fact that this is a co-worker and you haven't reported him for sexual harassment. But that's another issue.

    There are many people that have open marriages. Did you ask him if his wife is aware of his extracurricular activities? She may well be aware, and totally fine with it. She may pursue other lovers as well, especially since he's not able to perform sexually. They may well have an agreement.

    Why some people need more than their spouse is beyond me. I would never consider an affair, and would be devastated if my husband pursued an affair, but many people make open marriages work. Different strokes for different folks.
    ProllySomeDay's Avatar
    ProllySomeDay Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Mar 4, 2018, 03:50 PM
    Thank you for your input.

    I have asked him what his wife thinks, and he is hiding all his affairs from her. I'm not 100% sure if she herself is having an affair, and if she is, good for her, I guess, but this man doesn't even risk talking to me about this often even after work due to the fear of his family finding out.

    Ironically, he has told me he isn't afraid, he embraces these affairs, which I feel is absolutely untrue. His entire motivation to keep things in the dark is FEAR itself. Guess I just don't like hypocrites, but I'd never personally have an affair, either. I told him I have been cheated on twice, which I have been, so I won't support this at all.

    All he said was: I'm deeply disappointed but more so in myself for not reading your signs accurately, and you were the closest idea to the genuine form of a lover for me and I feel we were on the same page and in sync.

    Whatever that means.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #4

    Mar 4, 2018, 04:27 PM
    ''Whatever that means''
    I think he's full of it, from start to finish. I don't believe a word. Your last sentence of his words is dripping with a 3-way manipulation of your sympathy, possible guilt (and, he hopes, vanity).
    ProllySomeDay's Avatar
    ProllySomeDay Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Mar 4, 2018, 04:33 PM
    Well then he's sorely mistaken. I was open with him from day one, and I told him I don't find the idea of extramarital affairs 'cute' or magical. When I initially said that, he left me alone for nearly a full week, then approached later saying: I have a proposition, and I'd just like you to be a companion that I can take out to lunch etc.

    For now, he's left me alone, which is ideally all I wanted, but I agree, he is 100% full of it. I think he has used this tactic before on multiple women, and he strangely reported this all to me in a phone call.

    He claims that any woman he has met or spoke with on Ashley Madison has wagged her finger at him for his lifestyle choice, and most of his past lovers were all jealous of his wife and wanted him to leave her.

    I understand he is finding these women on a site specifically for the purpose of extramarital affairs, but I don't like how officiously he is acting when I stood my ground and said: No

    Perhaps I should report him, as Alty stated.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,882, Reputation: 10852
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    #6

    Mar 4, 2018, 05:20 PM
    Since you have made your choice, and rejected his offer then that's that! No report is needed unless you have told him to leave you alone, and he has NOT complied with your request. It doesn't matter what his game is, or what his marriage is about, if you aren't playing it, says so and leave it at that.

    If he is that offensive, then you cannot be friends, he shouldn't have your number, nor is lunch buddy material. THAT would be hypocrisy also.
    ProllySomeDay's Avatar
    ProllySomeDay Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Mar 4, 2018, 05:41 PM
    I've never once met this man outside of work, I swear. If we ever go to lunch, it is always with one or two other people from where we work. The only form of 'contact' he has with me is via LinkedIn for work, which I will leave alone as you said unless he is bothering me.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,882, Reputation: 10852
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    #8

    Mar 4, 2018, 06:11 PM
    Then you sound good to go. Personally I stay out of married peoples business unless invited, and know many who have weird arrangements. LOL, the wife and I have been invited by another married couple to swing with them sometimes, and a simple NO THANKS ended that pretty quickly, and haven't been bothered since. Needless to say we don't invite them out anymore socially, as a couple or individuals either.

    Takes all kinds I suppose. No biggie, it's a big world, enjoy your journey and don't let the odd ones ruin it for you.

    8)

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