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    RenattaK's Avatar
    RenattaK Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Jun 6, 2008, 07:55 PM
    How do I deal with the grief I feel since my husband told me he was gay?
    My relationship with my high school sweetheart just came to an end. He announced he is gay and now I'm having a hard time dealing with this coming-out process. How do we deal with telling our 5 year old daughter? What's the best way to handle it? Given the unexpected shattering of my trust and the life I thought I had, it's a small wonder that I feel devastated. I have these intense feelings of sexual rejection and feeling worthless. My emotions are overwhelming. How do I move beyond this?
    George_1950's Avatar
    George_1950 Posts: 3,099, Reputation: 236
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    #2

    Jun 6, 2008, 08:05 PM
    Welcome to AMHD. I'm very sorry to learn of this development in your relationship with your husband. Just curious: how long is your relationship? It sounds to me as though you move forward one day at a time, hour by hour. You are not to blame for this, so don't beat yourself up.
    RenattaK's Avatar
    RenattaK Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Jun 6, 2008, 08:10 PM
    We were together for 8 years. He is the only boyfriend/husband I've ever had. Thank you for your advice.
    kp2171's Avatar
    kp2171 Posts: 5,318, Reputation: 1612
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    #4

    Jun 7, 2008, 07:56 AM
    Your feelings are absolutely normal... if the relationship were ending and it had nothing to do with his coming out, you'd still be crushed and hurt and scared. Having loved and lost my HS sweetheart, whom I dated 7+ years, but never married or had children with, I understand at least on some level the feeling of "what now?!"... and "am i going to find another love??"... and "this isnt what we planned"

    Pretty overwhelming stuff. Add to that the fact you took vows, had a child, stepped up and did your part... its just completely another level of trust and security that's been shattered.

    His leaving you isn't him rejecting you sexually as a person or as an individual, even though it seems that way. It could have been any other woman... hed still be in this place.

    I've not been where you are exactly. But I've lost big loves. Eventually I found my wife, a single mother who had a pre-teen daughter. Deep breath in and out girl... the anxiety about being rejected is just noise. This isn't what you want. It isn't what you'd choose. But you can work your way through this, though I wish you didn't have to.

    Something to consider... I've always been one who thinks I can solve all problems myself, shoulder the struggle alone. I love to help others but hate asking for help. Just how I'm wired.

    Having fought through a about of depression at one point, I can tell you talking to a counselor can honestly help. I HATED making the appointment. Making the call and writing down the date and time seemed to make my problem more "real"... it was there, on paper. Hated waiting in the office. Just didn't like any of it at all... but I walked out better. And I went back and each time felt better.

    Mostly because I was able to talk things out with someone who wasn't a friend or family... someone who wasn't biased toward or against me. It's a good process, and some people can get a few sessions free through their workplace if its in your benefits... just something to think about. Talking to a counselor is just about getting you tools and organization to get things back on track. Just because you can do it alone doesn't mean you need to.

    The following link talks about children and sexual awareness... I don't agree with it necessarily lock in step... I think you can talk to a child about divorce and sexuality in very simple terms. You don't have to be graffic. You can let the child guide the questions... process the answers.

    As the father of a 4 year old, were I in your place, id focus on the separation issue first... that her father will be living in a different home, that he still loves her, etc. that the problem with mommy and daddy isn't due to her, that even if you two aren't together you will always be her parents, and simply tell her the next steps... daddy will be packing up his things, he will be moving to a new place, etc. be ready to have to repeat things, explain things again... it'll take time for her to understand what's happening. Stay close to her and spend time on her. Don't forget about yourself. Take time alone for yourself too.

    All that said, here's a link about talking to your children about sex. Simple answers and letting the child ask questions is good.

    Planned Parenthood How to Talk with Your Child About Sex

    Sorry you are in this place. You'll get through it and you'll be OK. Its just going to be one hell of an emotional roller coaster for a time.

    Feel free to talk things out here on the boards.
    Choux's Avatar
    Choux Posts: 3,047, Reputation: 376
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    #5

    Jun 7, 2008, 09:20 AM
    I think you need professional help dealing with this situation since you sound na´ve and broken over his disclosure. You are going to have to decide when you are going to get a divorce, see a physician to get checked for STD's, get him his own bedroom if you have the space... and so on.

    There is no reason for you to put yourself down over his DISHONESTY!! He may have married you because he was afraid to face himself and the community as a gay man. That is common in a culture where homosexuality is ranted on by religious. His homosexuality has nothing to do with you, girl.

    Don't tell your daughter anything!! This is *not* her problem, this is your problem to deal with. She just needs to know it is not her fault.

    Remember, we have to go through grieving over this kind of loss... crying and the whole lot... and also remember, from here, you can't see the wonderful things ahead for you if you handle this situation right.

    Take good care and share your burden with a therapist,
    tai18's Avatar
    tai18 Posts: 130, Reputation: 2
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    #6

    Jun 8, 2008, 03:36 PM
    Well you have to get over it and think positive just think about your daughter and have fun with her I'm sure you will have another boyfriend it isn't the end of the world. And also I don't think you should be telling your 5 year old that her father is gay. I'm sure she doesn't even know what that means. Wait until she's at least 13 or 14 to explain to her the REAL situation. & don't cry in front of your daughter or mope around because your depressed that's just going to make her grow up thinking everything is her fault and she will have issues. You have to just act as if nothing happened around her that will keep her happy:) think positive. If I were you I would get tested for HIV.. .
    Credendovidis's Avatar
    Credendovidis Posts: 1,593, Reputation: 66
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    #7

    Jun 8, 2008, 06:00 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by RenattaK
    My relationship with my high school sweetheart just came to an end. He announced he is gay and now I'm having a hard time dealing with this coming-out process. How do we deal with telling our 5 year old daughter? What's the best way to handle it? Given the unexpected shattering of my trust and the life I thought I had, it's a small wonder that I feel devastated. I have these intense feelings of sexual rejection and feeling worthless. My emotions are overwhelming. How do I move beyond this?
    You failed to inform us if he knew when he married you (or when you two teamed up) that he was gay. If he did not know it than, and he only realized that later, what can you blame him for?
    Of course you will feel rejected. And you will feel shattered and probably humiliated.
    And it will be difficult to tell your little girl.
    But let you lead by the truth, by the reality of what happened, without anger and repugnance.
    Why would you feel responsible for what happened to your husband?
    Try (I know it is difficult) not to "color" your ex to your daughter by your current feelings.
    You lose your current partner. But you may find a replacement in time.
    Your daughter loses a dad.
    Try to get some professional help. You (seem to) need it.
    Synnen's Avatar
    Synnen Posts: 7,927, Reputation: 2443
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    #8

    Jun 8, 2008, 07:54 PM
    Get in contact with your local PFLAG organization. They have resources to help you deal with exactly this situation.
    hannah_banana91's Avatar
    hannah_banana91 Posts: 13, Reputation: 1
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    #9

    Jun 10, 2008, 09:46 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by RenattaK
    My relationship with my high school sweetheart just came to an end. He announced he is gay and now I'm having a hard time dealing with this coming-out process. How do we deal with telling our 5 year old daughter? What's the best way to handle it? Given the unexpected shattering of my trust and the life I thought I had, it's a small wonder that I feel devastated. I have these intense feelings of sexual rejection and feeling worthless. My emotions are overwhelming. How do I move beyond this?
    I am sorry this happened to you. I'm sure it's very very difficult. Look at it this way though... would you rather he sneak around behind your back with it? Or be unhappy until he dies because of it? I think that you are very lucky that he actually told you. Most men in that position would lie and divorce you for something else. Also... he told you, it means he trusted you. You say he was your high school sweetheart? Most people have no idea what their final sexual orientation will be when they're in high school. I have no doubt he loves you... just not like that. Look at it this way... he had a daughter with you... you are not sexually worthless. No one is. You too had one of the greatest things imaginable together... whether he is gay or not... that is something amazing to hold on to. It was probably very very hard for him to tell you, but it's a good thing he did. As for telling your daughter, why does she need to know now? She's five. Wait until she's a little bit older... like 7 or 8... to explain the gay thing... also... let HIM explain. I am truly sorry this happened. Also, you don't deserve to be in a relationship where the other person is hiding a life changing secret. I think it is better this way in the long run.
    KateBell88's Avatar
    KateBell88 Posts: 51, Reputation: 8
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    #10

    Jun 13, 2008, 05:48 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by RenattaK
    My relationship with my high school sweetheart just came to an end. He announced he is gay and now I'm having a hard time dealing with this coming-out process. How do we deal with telling our 5 year old daughter? What's the best way to handle it? Given the unexpected shattering of my trust and the life I thought I had, it's a small wonder that I feel devastated. I have these intense feelings of sexual rejection and feeling worthless. My emotions are overwhelming. How do I move beyond this?
    My ex (dated for many years) came out as a bisexual 2 weeks after we broke up so I understand what you're going through, even though he's not strictly gay it was still a huge blow to my sense of trust. Take things one day at a time, and remember this has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with you - it is ALL him. Don't forget that - remind yourself every time you start thinking about it. You'll get through this you just need time - time heals all wounds just don't let it get you down for too long because in the end life's too short.
    MsGeeGee's Avatar
    MsGeeGee Posts: 3, Reputation: 2
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    #11

    Aug 4, 2008, 02:28 PM
    Honey,

    Please contact the Straight Spouse Network and they will put you in touch with a support group in your area. This really helped when I found out about my husband. Also get these two books: "The Straight-Up Truth About The Down-Low", by Joy Marie and "Straight Wives Shattered Lives" (I forget the author). Both books have stories of women who've gone through this experience. The first book had a story of a woman devastated by her high school sweetheart, so you'll probably relate to her story which was a tear jerker. Also, don't be ashamed to seek professional help, including the use of anti-depressants. Finding out your husband is gay is truly a shattering experience, so give yourself time to grieve. Be good to yourself, you did nothing wrong and you have nothing to be ashamed of... you are an innocent victim. God Bless you.

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