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    Brain Wright's Avatar
    Brain Wright Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Aug 25, 2014, 05:05 PM
    Need help hiding that I'm gay
    Hi.. My name is Brian from Australia. I'm 18 years old and I recently started college. And I'm deeply in the closet and I feel like I'm suffocating.

    NO ONE in this world knows that I'm gay and it kills me everyday to wake up and have to lie about who I am.

    I come from a very religious and traditional family and I know for a FACT no one would be happy with me coming out.

    I've known from a VERY young age that I like boys but I've religiously tried to hide it by surrendering myself to rugby, the gym, partying and hooking up with girls.

    I feel like I'm going crazy and that I can't trust no one and I'm just using this platform to kind of get some of my real feelings out AND it's freaking me out.

    How do I know I can trust someone with my secret? Need someone to just help me..

    PLEASE NOTE I don't need help coming out, just need someone to carry the burden with me because I think I might die in the closet.
    ma0641's Avatar
    ma0641 Posts: 15,681, Reputation: 1012
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    #2

    Aug 25, 2014, 06:40 PM
    "PLEASE NOTE I don't need help coming out". You DO need help coming out if you "Need help hiding that I'm gay". If you are "hooking up with girls" you are bisexual. Hiding secrets is not coming out or accepting facts. Until you are comfortable with yourself, you will always be in this predicament. Look for LGBT counseling, almost always available on a college campus.
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,318, Reputation: 5972
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    #3

    Aug 25, 2014, 06:40 PM
    We can't carry your burden, especially because it shouldn't be a burden to anyone, and I hate that it is a burden to you.

    You are who you are, what you are, just like everyone else.

    I'm not trying to diminish the corner you feel you're put in. I also can't relate, because I've never been in that corner, or closet, I'm not gay.

    Here's what I do know. Either you are who you are, and you find a way to be who you are, and there may be pain on the way, you may lose people on the way including family and friends, or you continue to pretend to be someone else, and live a life you aren't meant to live, and aren't happy living.

    You have to choose what you're willing to give up, and I hate that you have to choose, because it shouldn't be that way, you are the way God made you!

    Sadly, man is not as forgiving as God. So choose. Live a lie, try to be heterosexual, find a girlfriend, marry her, have children, cheat on her because you're not happy, pretend to be something you're not, even though you really don't want to be with her (in which case you're not only hurting yourself, but you're hurting her, even more than you), or take the risk, be true to who you are, weather the storm if there is one, but live the life you are meant to live. Be who you are.

    Only you can make that choice. Hurt yourself and others by being something you're not, or take all the risk, be who you are, and if anyone gets hurt, it's only you, but at least you're being true to yourself!
    CravenMorhead's Avatar
    CravenMorhead Posts: 4,532, Reputation: 1065
    Adult Sexuality Expert
     
    #4

    Aug 26, 2014, 06:04 AM
    I am going to put forth an idea, but first I need to say something. You are what you are and sexuality isn't a black and white choice. It isn't cock or , it is a spectrum of likes and dislikes. What people will find, and you will too eventually, is that if you're at one point on the spectrum but are trying to live at another point than you're going to be facing more angst and heartbreak than if you were honest with yourself and to live your life as you are rather than what you're not. The other thing is that is an incredibly selfish choice. It might seem like you're forced into it because of your family and where you live but this is all you. You're externializing the choice so that you don't need to make it. "Look at poor me, I am FORCED into being straight because other people won't accept my homosexuality." That is crap. As well in your crusade to prove that you like women and not men you're going to cut a bloody swath through the fairer sex. You're going to hurt a lot of people because of your hooking up and that's damage that could define the rest of their lives. Every relationship, no matter how trivial or small, has a impact.

    You're going to do this all because you can't face up to the fact that you're queer. Congratulations.

    There are three things you can do now:
    1). Nothing. Live your life as you were. It has worked so far so why not eh? The problem with this is that eventually things are going to go for . There will be a major blow up and things will never be the same.
    2). Forced monogamy. If you're not going to come out of the closet this is what you do. Cut out the women and cut out the men. You have yourself and your red right hand. That's it. You're a confirmed bachelor and you stay like that. No one knows that you're gay because they never see you with a man, or a woman for that matter.
    3). Come out of the closest. You're queer and you're here. You'll be surprise how accepting your family and friends will be. They probably already know and are just waiting for you to figure it out. Regardless you're honest with yourself and you're not lying to anyone in the world. Then you will decide which family you want to have. If your family cuts and runs than you know that they're not family. If your friends stick around than you know that they're your family.

    Good luck and think of someone besides yourself.
    mogrann's Avatar
    mogrann Posts: 860, Reputation: 193
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    #5

    Aug 26, 2014, 06:23 AM
    May I suggest you find your local LBGT group and go talk to them. They have plenty of experience helping people to figure this all out. You are a human being and deserve to be happy and live how you want. No one has the right to think less of you because you were born gay or straight. I wish you the best in figuring out what you want to do.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,280, Reputation: 7690
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    #6

    Aug 27, 2014, 02:00 AM
    Labels, why do you have to be gay or straight,

    Why do you have to "come out" or tell anyone.

    I have never "came out" straight.

    I never told my best friend, hey, you know I am straight, don't you.

    You need to be yourself, if you want to date guys, do it,

    If you want to date girls, do it,

    If you want to date both, ( do it, just not at the same time)

    The issue, you will never be happy, you will keep getting more and more closed in, if you will not just be yourself.

    Guess what, you will find 15 or maybe even 20 percent of your friends are gay. You will find a lot more ( a lot) who are bi sexual. *** I still hate labels***


    Time to stop worrying about coming out and just live like you want.
    Oliver2011's Avatar
    Oliver2011 Posts: 2,606, Reputation: 746
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    #7

    Aug 27, 2014, 06:29 AM
    Brian - This is from someone who went through the same thing.

    I come from a deeply religious conservative family. My Grandfather was a preacher and a professor at a Bible College. I know what it's like to hide in the closet for years. I know what it's like to lie about what I am, pretend to like girls, and heck I was even married for a while.

    The first thing you need to do is calm down. Being 18 and gay and in the closet is scary and stressful. I get that. I've been there too. You are stressing because we all have been taught that being gay is wrong, bad, horrible, and any other negative word you want to throw out there. You and I both know we didn't choose to be gay, we were born this way. You know who else knows? God does as well. God doesn't love gay people less than straight people.

    And have you considered you might be selling your family and your friends short on understanding and accepting you are gay? I regret not telling my parents because now they are gone and never got to know the real me. A lot of people never got to know the real me and never got to know the person that I am because I was always trying to protect that secret.

    Here is the thing that you need to know and you need to come to terms with. Being gay is only a small part of the man you are. You are looking at yourself as gay, only gay, and nothing but gay. You are also probably a good son, sibling, student, good at sports, etc, etc, etc. Don't sell yourself short by allowing someone to label you as gay and only gay.

    The last thing I will tell you is that it gets a lot easier once you get to know yourself and accept yourself. Being gay isn't a crime and it isn't wrong. Allow yourself to experience life without shame. After many years of hiding I finally met someone awesome. I am in love for the first and hopefully last time of my life. I promise you it does get better.

    I am here to help if you need me.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,919, Reputation: 10852
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    #8

    Aug 27, 2014, 07:30 AM
    Unburden yourself and leave the burden in the closet and get a life that YOU enjoy without it. The bad part of lying to others is you have to keep lying to them. You have already become a great liar, and become willing to do whatever it takes to keep the lie alive, and honestly, I doubt you will find anyone to share a burden you have to keep adding to, one lie after another.

    What else are you willing to lie about to keep your burden on your back? Trust me plotting and planning lies is no way to live a good life and be happy, so why even carry such a burden? Just be a good happy human who happens to be gay and let the haters hate all they want. They will anyway whether you are related or not but thats their burden to carry, not yours.

    You can't please everyone until you please yourself. Quit lying at least. They really don't build closets big enough for you to hide in forever. You will find that out soon.

    Don't let fear keep you from living and being happy my young friend. Its a bigger better world outside the closet, than in it. Its not even a closet, it just a box you built out of FEAR.
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
    Emotional Health Expert
     
    #9

    Aug 27, 2014, 09:01 AM
    Oliver- that was an outstanding answer. I hope it lightens the burden a bit.

    I hate these labels as well. It is sad that gay culture has existed long before any of us were ever born. You are not unique, or different, from any other person on this earth, and, poster, it is important at your age, to seriously think about ending the torture you experience on a daily basis.

    I would go as far as to say that you could very well be wrong, in that some of your friends, and some of your family, may already suspect. You may not be hiding anything at all. Will the confirmation of your sexuality upset, or shock people? Sure. But, there is so much more to you than the 'news' they will hear, and you, as a person, are still the same person to everyone.

    I like Mogran's idea of speaking to someone in an LBGT association. It would be really advantageous to you to speak to someone who has some expertise in this area to help you through the process of coming out of that closet, and on with your freedom to live your own life without hiding.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,919, Reputation: 10852
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    #10

    Aug 27, 2014, 09:28 AM
    Reaching out to people in your circumstance is a great idea for love, support, and understanding, and sharing your burden.

    Pink Pages Australia: Support_Groups - Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender Directory

    Home | National LGBT Health Alliance Australia
    Oliver2011's Avatar
    Oliver2011 Posts: 2,606, Reputation: 746
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    #11

    Aug 27, 2014, 09:49 AM
    I would also add that you should only tell the people you are comfortable in telling. You don't have to tell everyone and you tell them on your timetable, not anyone elses. Very few people know about me because that's my choice.

    I have a friend I play sports with. At 19 he came out to me but I was the only person that knew and he said that I would be the only person that ever knew. I was glad he told me because he had someone to talk about it with. He's 23 now and he has told his best friend and now has a boyfriend. I questioned him about telling people now and his response was "I am not going to live my life in misery. If anyone has a problem with it, that's their problem."

    So yeah, this looks like a really huge problem at 18. But as you mature and get to know yourself better, it becomes less and less a huge problem.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
    current pert
     
    #12

    Aug 27, 2014, 11:17 AM
    Glad especially that Oliver is here today!

    I want to take exception to comments that if a gay man has sex with girls he is bi. A young man in fear might have sex with girls as part of his hiding. And in the bigger picture, why are we so quick to slap a label on each other?
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,280, Reputation: 7690
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    #13

    Aug 27, 2014, 08:10 PM
    I agree with Joy, I have a good friend, and he is gay, he married, and has a family trying to "hide" . Think how hard, that was to come out.

    If you have a friend, that will not accept you, then they are not really a friend, and you don't need that type of person anyway.

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