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    Needingwisdom's Avatar
    Needingwisdom Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #1

    Nov 20, 2014, 10:24 AM
    He wants young porn more than have sex with me
    I've been with my boyfriend for 5 months, we moved in together. He used to blame his inability to ejaculate with me on his medication, now I realize after he changed his med, that he watches an awful lot of "young" and teen porn when I'm not home. We barely have sex even though I try to turn him on and flirt. I have never turned him down, but he rarely ever tries anyhow, like maybe once a week. I always have a great time during sex but he has to masturbate after I in order to .
    He has a history of child sexual molestation, which I've been very sensitive and empathic about and have discussed with him about how if he's masturbating a lot it interferes with our sex life and he keeps lying saying he's not but I find out otherwise but don't want to let him know I'm finding out because it's snooping, I hate snooping but I could tell something was up and if he's not going to appreciate me and be honest I don't know what we have.
    He is kind to me, cooks, cleans sometimes, is affection at times, says I love you A LOT, so I'm very confused. And the "young" part about the porn worries me. I know he feels very low self-esteem because of money and also his addictions... he's also in AA and hasn't been sober for over a year ever since he was 17 until this past year and then we met. He lies a lot but says it's because that's what he always did, which I understand is normal with addictions, but it's made our relationship weak and I am always on guard. So now he blames me for being on guard and doesn't realize how much all of this hurts me. I am 36, and very attractive, he says I'm hot all the time, but doesn't have sex with me. He is 32. He thinks I do not appreciate him but lately it's been very difficult to let myself be free to love him due to the lies and sneaking and porn and lack of a healthy sex life. I am very sad over this and don't know what to do.
    My instinct would be to just move on but we have a lease and one bedroom that is all out of my price range if he were to move out and I don't have anywhere to go. Please help. I love him so much but I don't feel like he's totally in this. I know he's adjusting, supposedly he's just used porn mostly for the last 15 years, but he just keeps going back to it and I'm neglected and really, the "young" worries me.
    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,757, Reputation: 2602
    Dating & Teen Expert
     
    #2

    Nov 20, 2014, 10:54 AM
    Have you suggested he get some therapy?
    I don't know what to tell you. I could not stay in a situation like that or with someone who is really into youth and teen porn. I'm sure this may have something to do with his sexual abuse, but I couldn't deal with it. He needs to get some help. He is not emotionally healthy for a normal relationship.
    I think I'd find someplace to go.
    CravenMorhead's Avatar
    CravenMorhead Posts: 4,532, Reputation: 1065
    Adult Sexuality Expert
     
    #3

    Nov 20, 2014, 12:02 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Needingwisdom View Post
    I've been with my boyfriend for 5 months, we moved in together. He used to blame his inability to ejaculate with me on his medication, now I realize after he changed his med, that he watches an awful lot of "young" and teen porn when I'm not home. We barely have sex even though I try to turn him on and flirt. I have never turned him down, but he rarely ever tries anyhow, like maybe once a week. I always have a great time during sex but he has to masturbate after I in order to .
    He has a history of child sexual molestation, which I've been very sensitive and empathic about and have discussed with him about how if he's masturbating a lot it interferes with our sex life and he keeps lying saying he's not but I find out otherwise but don't want to let him know I'm finding out because it's snooping, I hate snooping but I could tell something was up and if he's not going to appreciate me and be honest I don't know what we have.
    He is kind to me, cooks, cleans sometimes, is affection at times, says I love you A LOT, so I'm very confused. And the "young" part about the porn worries me. I know he feels very low self-esteem because of money and also his addictions... he's also in AA and hasn't been sober for over a year ever since he was 17 until this past year and then we met. He lies a lot but says it's because that's what he always did, which I understand is normal with addictions, but it's made our relationship weak and I am always on guard. So now he blames me for being on guard and doesn't realize how much all of this hurts me. I am 36, and very attractive, he says I'm hot all the time, but doesn't have sex with me. He is 32. He thinks I do not appreciate him but lately it's been very difficult to let myself be free to love him due to the lies and sneaking and porn and lack of a healthy sex life. I am very sad over this and don't know what to do.
    My instinct would be to just move on but we have a lease and one bedroom that is all out of my price range if he were to move out and I don't have anywhere to go. Please help. I love him so much but I don't feel like he's totally in this. I know he's adjusting, supposedly he's just used porn mostly for the last 15 years, but he just keeps going back to it and I'm neglected and really, the "young" worries me.
    Let's start with him. You both have, in my opinion, issues but the jury is out on who's is more detrimental to the relationship.

    Mental blocks, especially in the bed room, are a tough thing to overcome and it often takes years of therapy. The history of molestation is going to make it harder. If he's hasn't had professional help I would look into it. It will help him in ways you can't even fathom. There is a lot there that he's not saying and a lot there that you can't see or appreciate. That is fine, you need to support him you don't need to know everything, you just need to be there for him. Depending on the circumstances this could be the cause for his inability to ejaculate. Also, if he changed his meds, the new meds could still be interferfing with his sex performance. Which could cause different and harsher masturbation techniques.

    The second comment is his masturbation technique. Depending on how he does it he could be used to a specific sensory input for ejaculation. Some men will use a death grip on their penis when they masturbate so they get a huge influx of sensation. The problem is when they start to have sex they not used to the input that they get with penis in vagina. It isn't the same sensation and it isn't what they need to get off. This is probably the case so he needs to change the way he masturbates so that he can actually finish in you. I suppose I should have asked what protection do you use, i.e. do you use condoms?

    Regardless he needs to visit how he masturbates. He shouldn't close his fist tight, the tightest he should go is finger to thumb. No overlap. That should help retrain his penis to be more use to different sensations. Notice here that I am not saying that he should stop ANYTHING he is doing. His porn is his business and masturbating, even in a long term relationship, is perfectly normal and healthy for him to do. If the porn is Barely legal stuff I wouldn't be concerned. Most, if not all, the porn he'll easily come across is legal. It is the stuff that isn't that you should be concerned about. Child pornography is wrong regardless of who and what. That needs to be reported to the authorities.

    Which brings me to you. First off, it is still snooping if he doesn't know about it. It is the same poison in the relationship, just that he doesn't know about it. This is his private time and his private activities, and you should respect that. Now this is seemingly come from left field eh? Stay tuned, it will make sense quickly.

    Men are visual creatures. It takes so very little to get us aroused. The waitress at the restaurant bends over the wrong way and we see down her shirt and BAM aroused. Does that mean we want to have sex with that woman right there? Nope. It is all about the sensory input. The female arousal cycle is more complex, it is more of an emotional response system. Which means that it takes a lot more and a lot of different things to get you aroused. When things start colouring your view of your mate you'll be less and less aroused by them. So your romance novels are the equivalent to his porn.

    Second, masturbation is stress relief for men. IT is like a warm bubble bath, candles, a glass of wine, and a trashy romance novel. IT is time for use, as men, to concentrate on ourselves without any distractions. Making love and having sex with our partners is one of the most rewarding things out there, but it is also a lot of work making sure that both you and your mate are having a good time and there is a lot of stuff that goes on during an encounter. Every man does it, and if one says that he isn't then he's lying to you. Most likely, 99% 19 times out of 20.

    The issue her is more that you're noticing bedroom issues and you've jumped on the easiest answer for it you could find that didn't incriminate yourself. Porn. The partial root of this is low libido on his part brought on by his issues, his meds, and the stress of his current life situation is probably making it hard for him to be in the mood. Added to this that you're only 5 months together I think that you're reached the subconscious commit or run stage of the relationship and you're contemplating the Run option and trying to jusitfy it.

    I think it is time for you to consider if you really want to be in this relationship. Love isn't all that you need and having a bad intimate life with your partner is a valid reason to end a relationship. My opinion, nothing more.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,885, Reputation: 10852
    Expert
     
    #4

    Nov 20, 2014, 12:38 PM
    I would think given all his issues and the length of time he has suffered them, you would have expected much conflict and dysfunction in many areas from this flawed person. Further, obviously you cannot expect any changes for the better anytime soon, nor be able to help this fellow yourself. There is just too much work to do and you are ill prepared, nor seemingly willing to do it. Not your fault, nor completely his either. Just a bad match with huge challenges.

    You need to make a decision for yourself! Either leave before this gets any deeper, or find out with MUCH outside trained help, if you both are willing to make it work! There are no guarantees and you better be dedicated, or cut your losses now after just 5 months.

    Personally I think you jumped in way to fast for your own good before you knew what you were getting into. Your reaction to the things you have learned, and the way you have learned them, are not the healthiest either, and he has too many problems that will takes years to overcome. That's with much help!

    Decide!
    Needingwisdom's Avatar
    Needingwisdom Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #5

    Nov 20, 2014, 01:49 PM
    Thank you so much for your replies. Yes, I realize how unhealthy my habit of snooping is and I plan to not do such a thing anymore. I plan to just support him and do my best and if that isn't good enough down the road then it just wasn't meant to be. I will trust him and see where it takes us. It's mostly just the shock of the porn that, as many women would agree, just makes a woman feel real awful about herself over it. Related to the whole emotional involvement. I have to run off to class right now, but I wanted to thank you all for your responses.
    I think one of the biggest things about these types of situations is the pain that is felt and the fear behind the what-ifs and wondering if he really does love me over all this. From your replies, I take that I need to just figure my own stuff out and hope he follows suit. I will only address if absolutely necessary, for my sanity and his. It's natural for me to be scared but it's my reaction that is important. I just needed to hear more reassurance that it doesn't mean he wants a teenager over me and that it's all just completely hopeless. I'm willing to put in the work to make this happen as long as in the long run I don't get screwed over, but that's unpredictable and I can only control my own actions, not his. It's tough. I'm very sensitive and so is he. And yes, we did go too fast, I agree. He denies it when I mentioned that maybe we went too fast, but at this point, we just need to work with what we have. Faith is a tough thing to acquire when you've been screwed over too many times in life.

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