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    bidingmytime's Avatar
    bidingmytime Posts: 92, Reputation: 13
    Junior Member

    Jan 18, 2018, 10:10 AM
    Have Herpes... Now what... (anyone else have this problem?)
    Hi, I'm a 34 year old female...

    Recently, I went through a break up with a guy I have been with for 3 years. I got herpes from him.

    I feel really alone about it and that's why I came here. I get nerve pain from it, never get sores, but makes me feel kind of sick. And it's bad because I have to feel sick and not tell anyone else about it... Before at least I could tell my boyfriend, but not I have no one to talk to about this... Also I want to date again eventually and I have to deal with how to tell people about this.

    Can anyone give me some advice about handling this problem and when to tell people I am dating (I wait a long time before having sex, like months, obviously I have to say it before having sex, but when)

    ... Any stories of personal experience would be appreciated.

    Please don't tell me what I should have done, I already am well aware...
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
    current pert

    Jan 18, 2018, 10:21 AM
    I'd say you need an ongoing discussion with others with herpes, not just a link to info (that you already know about).

    I googled 'genital herpes discussion blog' and saw dozens, so try a few and settle on 1 or 2, and good luck.
    As with any blog, read all advice with a grain of salt. Usually the truth settles in, and the other participants help with that.
    (We do that here too! ''Crowd truthing!'')

    What I would do about dates: First, don't accept any dates that are expensive and he pays for, or just simply insist on paying your half. Second, somewhere in the first 2 weeks set a time limit in 'more' weeks for telling him, assuming the relationship is progressing. Third, tell him BEFORE you sense that you might have sex. Just be honest about how hard it is to decide when to tell. If he gets angry, so be it.
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,318, Reputation: 5972
    Pets Expert

    Jan 18, 2018, 09:06 PM
    So sorry you're dealing with this.

    I wouldn't tell any prospective suitor right away, give it time, get to know him, and then, when you've been dating for a while, sit down for the talk. When you have the talk I would do more than just confess that you have herpes, also have pamphlets on what herpes is, how it affects a person infected with it, how you can prevent it from spreading to your partner, etc. etc. Most people really have no idea what herpes is all about, other than it's a sexually transmitted disease. So give him the info, and then let him have time to digest what you've told him. Also, if he's upset that you waitedd to tell him, point out that if you had told him on the first date there probably wouldn't have been a second, and you were scared to ruin a possible relationship with someone you really like.

    I don't have personal experience with herpes, don't actually know anyone that has it, but if you need support or need to talk, I can do that. :)
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,328, Reputation: 10855

    Jan 19, 2018, 07:58 AM
    I'm a guy and would want to know something like that ASAP! Back in the day guys never trusted females about past partners, disease, or birth control, and kept condoms in our wallets. Casual dating doesn't require telling your business, but do insist a guy wear PROTECTION, whether you use BC. That may be good for intercourse, but NOT other forms of sex (OR INTIMACY, like kissing).

    Hopefully as things become more serious you will care enough to be honest with whomever your dating, and abstain from physical intimacy until you find that understanding guy who is a keeper. I know different than you have been conducting yourself, but things have changed and that means you must change.

    It simple really when to tell a guy your secret, when you can trust him with it, or when he asks you why no physical intimacy after getting to know each other well. A couple that cannot communicate honestly won't go very far anyway, so why waste time? I don't think you would feel so alone if you had a close friend or two, male, or female, you could talk to, who doesn't judge you, and hard to believe you don't and that can be corrected, as well as jut dating to build an intimate relationship. So maybe adjusting your whole dating attitude is coming and picking guys differently is in your future.

    I've never had an STD, always used a condom, and NEVER hesitated to ask a lady if she used BC, or had an STD very early on. I know MANY people with an STD, even AIDS. I'm shocked that guys don't do that today, but in fairness, few did back in the day. So lose whatever guilt or shame you may feel if even a little and get proactive with the art of safe sex and thoughtful discretion, and healthy interactions and make some TRUE friends.

    They last a lifetime and are a great support system for you. Why depend on just some guy lighting your life and putting a stang in yo thang to enjoy life? The priority ha changed from finding a lover, to finding a FRIEND(S)! Can you accept that?

    I hope you're grateful that herpes is all the ex gave you. Did he know he had it? How long had you been dating when you found out you had herpes? How long have you been broken up? Have you looked into a support group?
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
    current pert

    Jan 19, 2018, 11:28 AM
    Condoms reduce the risk of spreading herpes, but there is still a chance of catching it (since it spreads from skin contact, not through fluids).

    Alty and I are women and talaniman is a man, and you've heard the difference, and I think that we are pretty typical.

    The question of WHEN do you tell a man just can't be answered until you sense how fast the romance is developing.

    Want something that you can nail down? I'd say the next date after the first romantic touch that isn't just being nice. A real kiss or a real reach across a table for your hand.
    If it's a longer and slower development of romance than is typical these days, I wouldn't go past a month.
    And yes, I'd plan what you say.
    That's just my personal advice. Only you know what's best for each man you date.
    bidingmytime's Avatar
    bidingmytime Posts: 92, Reputation: 13
    Junior Member

    Jan 19, 2018, 05:04 PM
    Hey everyone, thanks for answers. @talaniman, I have close friends, but it's not like I'm going to go tell my close friends and family that I have herpes. Nope. Not happening. That is going to be between me and if I ever have another partner, that guy, and that's it.

    It actually took me 2 years before I got it. And believe me I've done a lot of research in the past year. I didn't really know what it was either till I got it and then I figured it all out...

    I probably will check out some forums for that purpose.. that's a good idea... thanks.

    And yes, probably after there is some kind of physical contact like kissing, that is probably good time to bring it up before it goes further...
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,328, Reputation: 10855

    Jan 20, 2018, 06:33 AM
    Which type of herpes were you diagnosed with?

    After you start kissing ANYONE would be to late.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
    current pert

    Jan 20, 2018, 08:28 AM
    She means genital herpes
    bidingmytime's Avatar
    bidingmytime Posts: 92, Reputation: 13
    Junior Member

    Feb 1, 2018, 06:45 PM
    actually there are two types of genital herpes, but I've never been to the dr for it. I just know I have it because my x had it... mostly getting it was like getting a really bad flu... I never got sores, just other symptoms... it's only really bad the first and second time it comes... and most people completely stop having any symptoms after 5 years (according to some sites about herpes) now I'll only get nerve pain when my immune system gets low... I've had it around a 3 months now...
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,328, Reputation: 10855

    Feb 1, 2018, 06:57 PM
    but I've never been to the dr for it. I just know I have it because my x had it...
    I trust that will be corrected soon.

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