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Sweetiebee82 · Apr 23, 2009, 10:43 PM

Hi, Im 27 and my boyfriend is 21.Despite the age difference We have a great relationship. When it comes to sex... its a huge hang up for me. We have it on average once a week. If I try and initiate sex I feel like Im trying to hard. I basically have to come out and say "I want to have sex" and more times then not, Im given a "nope!" I feel like I have to beg for it, or just push for it until it happens. And Very seldom it just happens. There's hardly any fore play, its just me usually doing something to him and then sex. There was a time when we had a lot of sex.Im just wonder "why doesnt he want to have sex?!?" Its having such a poor affect on me. I Wonder if Im good enough for him! With any other relationship Ive had, they were Always SATISFIED. He says when we have sex its good, and as bad as it is to ask, I've asked if my body and size had anything to do with it.he said it didn't like most guys would,but I know he would be honest. And for the record Im 5'1 and 130lbs. (just for those of you that would think I was some outlandish weight and he just wasn't sexually attracted to me) and it always is but then he just says its too much to get the energy to have sex more often!! Im sorry but it just seems like that's a bad excuse!. can someone please suggest in things that I can do or talk to him about... because I've tried everything.thanks

Nestorian · Apr 23, 2009, 11:05 PM

"he just says its too much to get the energy to have sex more often."-you

Depression / Over worked / lazy (the less you do the less you will have energy to do.) / Stress / doesn't understand what you want / low sex drive (rare but possible. Maybe see if there is something you can do for him that will get him reved up, BUT make him work for it. I knew a girl that made me do this, and lets just say we were both saticfied customers. ;) ) / insecurities / lack of experience and so on.

Take your pick and work with it. Try counseling, or regualr sex talk, and don't get him started till after you've been started. Once he is started then it goes in or it goes down, for some guys any way. Don't be afraid to ask or even tell him flat out, "we need to have more sex!" You're in this relationship to you know?

Peace and kindness.

DSM521 · Apr 23, 2009, 11:08 PM

Like always communication, communication, communication. Be brutally honest with him. Let him know the lack of a sexual connection is effecting your relationship, and if does not change it would be difficult to be in a relationship like that.

You know sex is not everything in a relationship but it is very important. The lack of a sexual connection can and will cause many other problems in your relationship. It can cause you to feel unloved, unattractive. It can cause you to have trust issues and so many other problems.

Trust me I speak from experience. Good luck and have that hard talk with him.

Synnen · Apr 24, 2009, 05:01 AM

Low libido can also result from a medical problem.

He needs to see his doctor to rule that out.

chrissymarie · Apr 24, 2009, 11:38 AM

I had an ex like yours. It was because he wasn't over his last relationship, was smoking pot, and hated my agressiveness in bed because I too would initiate and ask for it and his ex did not.

There has to be something out of balance in your reltionship. You need to figure out what it is. He may just have a low sex drive, he may be using you for something, he may feel like he controls you with sex, or he may not care about you at all. But there is definitely somethjing out of order and balance.

A you happy healthy sexually active couple should definitely not have a problem like this.

Have you asked him why he is the way he is about sex?

Sweetiebee82 · Apr 24, 2009, 12:27 PM

Thanks Everyone for answering... I don't know where to start with what everyone has said. I know that he does like his sleep, so initiating sex just when we go to bed isn't the best thing... he just has that and only that on his mind. He has said that before we started going out he might have only had sex a dozen times. I don't think he really ever had a chance to "like it or not like it", sort of thing. But who wouldn't like it. As stated when we do have sex its awesome and he says so. He gives me compliments and even says "why dont we do this more often". As Nestorian said "the less you do the less you will have energy to do" he has said this before. I know I can do all the strip teases I want and act out every sexual fantasy there is... but this isn't the problem. Its him having more interest in it and wanting to have it more. It can't get any more "interesting", you'd have to be some kind of freak LOL. He tells me he loves me everyday and has no problem saying so... we have an easy time talking about stuff. We sit and eat supper together everyday and discuss what happened in each others days... its not like we never communicate. Again, it just doesn't make sense in why he doesn't want it more... so discouraging :(

Nestorian · Apr 24, 2009, 01:14 PM

Originally Posted by Sweetiebee82

Thanks Everyone for answering...........I dont know where to start with what everyone has said. I know that he does like his sleep, so initiating sex just when we go to bed isnt the best thing....he just has that and only that on his mind. He has said that before we started going out he might have only had sex a dozen times. I dont think he really ever had a chance to "like it or not like it", sorta thing. But who wouldnt like it. As stated when we do have sex its awesome and he says so. He gives me compliments and even says "why dont we do this more often". As Nestorian said "the less you do the less you will have energy to do" he has said this before. I know I can do all the strip teases I want and act out every sexual fantasy there is....but this isnt the problem. Its him having more interest in it and wanting to have it more. It can't get any more "interesting", youd have to be some kinda freak LOL. He tells me he loves me everyday and has no problem saying so....we have an easy time talking about stuff. We sit and eat supper together everyday and discuss what happened in each others days.....its not like we never communicate. Again, it just doesnt make sense in why he doesnt want it more... so discouraging :(

He may just have a super low sex drive, libido? I'm reading up on it...

"HSD or Hypoactive sexual desire (A.K.A: Inhibited sexual desire or low sexual desire.) is found in both men and women. People with this will avoid sexual situations. When they do feel aroused they expereince a rapid "turn off" so the feel nothing. They may get negative, unpleasent feelings; they may even expereice "Sexual anesthesia", that is he feeling nothing, even though he may respond to the point of having an orgasm.
"Discrepancy of sexual desire: A sexual disorder in which the partners have considerably different levels of sexual desire. "

Yeah, thats about all I got for now, but maybe something worth asking your doctor about, or more importantly a psychologist/Sex theropist. (oh yeah, they are real.) All this info came from the Psychology Text book "Understanding Human Sexuality".

You may have to ask him if he is lying. To you. About the feelings any way. Maybe show him, after you look into it further, the info you find on the net on this matter?

Peace and kindness.

Sundance2007 · Apr 25, 2009, 03:58 AM

He may be dating outside. Check it out.