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    aa1234's Avatar
    aa1234 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Nov 11, 2006, 12:02 AM
    Errection issues or Attraction issues
    Folks! - I have a problem.

    I'm 26, my girlfriend is 20 - We both hold eastern values (for the most part) and I've been with her for about 1 year now - we've been having regular sex everyday pretty much for about 8/9 months now - and by regular sex I mean sex every day, sometimes couple of times a day. I should mention this is my longest & most serious relationship ever and I've dated a number of girls along the way. We do not live together - she lives with her parents and we basically have sex whenever we see each other (which is everyday almost). We have gotten emotionally serious along the line and are seriously considering getting married very soon & talk about it often. I really really like her and really feel like she is the one for me. She cooks for me at times, I take care of her in every emotional and physical way possible & she really takes care of me a lot as well.

    Problem - Its become more and more often that I lose my errection while were having sex. This makes me feel bad, because I know she's thinking that I've lost my errection because of her. She asks me.. "is it me?" - " u not like me anymore?". I tell her not sweet heart it not you, its me. She says "maybe youre just stressed?" - I say perhaps... and I also continue to try to make efforts and reassure her of my love for her and how I will work to make this relationship last.

    I am stressed, Yes I would say - although I will admit I still go out and drink and party with friends. I'm at the verge of being laid off from work (the company's not doing too well) , my only brother (who lives with my pretty old parents in a different country) is an abusive son to my parents, so much so that they might have to send him to a mental institution (I'd hate to see that, but I also hate to see him abusing them physically and emotionally). My girlfriend is really really cool and the best thing in my life right now - although I have to tell you that perhaps owing to my paranoid personality I sometimes have my doubts about her. For example will she be loyal to me the rest of our lives? is she attracted to other guys? she's a fun loving and very cool girl, with a funny personality and this sexiness about her that attracts guys all the time. Also I should tell you that she is an introvert and keeps a lot of things, feelings, thoughts to herself... which doesn't always do too well for communication. Also, I do at times (not always) feel that she perhaps needs to grow up just a little bit at times.

    Keeping all that in mind - lets revert back to the problem - I lose the errection while having sex. It's happening more often now. Part of the problem I think could be that I lose sensation a lot of times while inside of her because she gets really wet and things get so slippery that the sensation/grip is lost (hope that makes sense).

    I know she loves me - I also know that sex has been a big part of this relationship. I do not want her to feel as if she is unable to satisfy me sexually. I know she is starting to feel that. If she continues to feel that way this relationship will be doomed and both of us will starting looking around for other partners...

    Hope this post hasn't gotten too long - or too confusing - can someone perhaps advise.
    Thomas1970's Avatar
    Thomas1970 Posts: 856, Reputation: 131
    Senior Member

    Nov 11, 2006, 01:40 AM
    Hi Aa1234,
    Speaking of Eastern beliefs, it is said in chapter 23 of the Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu:

    "Nature is sparing with speech:
    a whirlwind doesn't last all morning;
    a rain shower doesn't last all day.
    What causes these? Heaven and earth.
    If heaven and earth can't make something
    furious endure, how could man?"

    Surely this is a furious pace! Your only human. Only rabbits, mice and lemmings can maintain that sort of sexual stamina for any legnth of time. That alone has got to become significantly draining after a while. And with all the other things going on in your life!
    Sexual attraction really is something of a poor "yardstick" on which to base the health of a relationship. Though many people do. It's true that sex can make or break a relationship, but it should never be the core or top priorty in a healthy relationship; more the icing on the cake, so to speak.
    No matter how one looks at it, sex is often the most selfish part of any relationship. Though we may try hard to please our partners, ultimately, if it were not for our own orgasmic gratification, many of use would soon become quite disillusioned with the act.
    But good relationships are built on giving in ways in which we have no particular expectations, certainly not that we wish to get anything in return. We give to our partner because we love them, but we love them because we truly want them to be happy, not because they are necessarily inherently "pleasing" at any given time. No relationship is perfect, and many bumps in the road can be expected.
    Though, without other forms of recreation, and solid verbal and decidedly non-sexual -- though not necessarily non-intimate -- forms of communication, any relationship is assuredly doomed with time.
    I was in a similar situation years ago, with a woman I dated off and on for two years. She was a basic work-a-holic, working up to 80 hours a week as the director of a chain of houses for the mentally retarded. Our first date was fabulous, we went out for a day in the city -- ate, shopped, had a fantastic time. Never again did she find the time for such.
    Our typical dates for the next two years consisted of getting together at 11:00 at night, eating in an all-night restaurant, closing out the local pool hall, and then retiring to bed. She never wanted to talk about anything, she only wanted to be sexually intimate. Suffice to say, I never grew so tired of sex. Eventually she began to correspond with other men, and the relationship ended when she showed up at the door of my oldest friend alone -- someone she had only met but one time, though had tellingly been more than a bit forward with.
    Basically, you need some time to yourselves if you want to have any chance of saving things. You need time to pursue your own interests, and go out from time to time with friends alone. Your time apart will make your time together all that much more special. And remember that sex is not always the ultimate, or most nurturing way to express your love. Though it does have its place in any good relationship, so do cooking meals, watching a movie together, holding hands on a long walk, or surprising her with small, unexpected gifts.
    Perhaps this is a good opportunity to lend some support to both your brother and parents. But don't allow it to come between your relationship completely. In a sense, it sounds like he's making his own bed. You have a right to be happy. Perhaps you can find something more of a balance between these seemingly conflicting priorities though.
    I wish you luck. I do hope everything works out for the best for everyone. Take care. :)
    valinors_sorrow's Avatar
    valinors_sorrow Posts: 2,927, Reputation: 653
    Ultra Member

    Nov 11, 2006, 06:24 AM
    In addition to the insightful post from Thomas, I can only add that its perhaps a case of one body part speaking the truth when the rest doesn't want to listen. Besides, there are literally hundreds of ways to make love without classic intercourse as the main stay. Maybe its time to inject a bit more foundation in the relationship with some honest communication. In your own words, you may need to grow up a little -- paranoia is never helpful unless, of course, that is your intuition telling you there isn't enough to this arrangement to make it past all the initial hot sex, in which case... take it for what it is: close but (eventually) no cigar.
    ordinaryguy's Avatar
    ordinaryguy Posts: 1,790, Reputation: 596
    Ultra Member

    Nov 12, 2006, 06:04 PM
    Oh, man! Don't you just hate it when that unruly member won't do what you tell it to? There are a lot of reasons it happens, from purely physical to purely spiritual and everything in between. I'm no expert, but from what you've said, my guess is that after an amazingly wonderful sexual start to the relationship, it's time (as Val said) "to inject a bit more foundation in the relationship". As great as sex can be, it's not enough to build a long-term relationship on. Whether you're able to work through this and come out together, you'll always be special to each other. As the I Ching says, "Crossing the great water brings good fortune. No blame"

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