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    12345help's Avatar
    12345help Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #1

    Apr 1, 2007, 02:08 PM
    Doesn't find me attractive, doesn't want sex with me, isn't sure he wants a relationship
    Please read this, I need your help

    I'm 18 and so is my boyfriend I've been with him for 10 months and for about 5 months he's telling me he's not ready to commit and isn't sure he wants a relationship.and at points he's said he wants to feel he can do stuff with other women should the situation arise.but then he changes he's mind. He hasn't said this in ages though so I'm not sure if that is an issue now. Any way he's still not 100 percent in the relationship and sometimes is still not sure if he wants to be in one . I know he loves me. Also for a few months now are sex life has been bad, it used be really good and he always wnted it. Said it was a big part of his life. Now he says he doesn't really feel like sex though he still wanks and looks at porn, and about a month ago he told me that he doesn't find me sexually attractive ( I'm not ugly and have done some modeling) , I feel so ugly now and so self conscious I have to take my makeup off in the dark and put it on the morning before he wakes up. He's always got other pics off girls as wallpapers on his PC and that, and once when I did give him head he asked if it was OK for him to watch porn at the same time, I wouldn't have a problem with this except he must be fantizing about them instead of me, and this makes me uncomfortable. I've tried hard to make him feel attracted to me again and its not like I don't make an effort every time I see him. When I try to innitiate sex he turns me down but still has a wank later.

    I just need some help in how to deal with it because I'm not going to leave him. I need to feel attrctive again and be comfortable about him fantazing over other women instead of just ignoring him ann feeling betrayed hurt and unable to satisfy him. ( by the way I am adventures with him in bed).
    Also how can I want him to have sex again and be more excited about out relationship.
    What should I do about it all

    Please wb thank you
    shygrneyzs's Avatar
    shygrneyzs Posts: 5,017, Reputation: 936
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    #2

    Apr 1, 2007, 02:31 PM
    You are 18 and you know, there is so much time ahead of you, so much life ahead that to tie yourself down to a relationship right now, makes no sense. I know you may not want to hear that but think of the future and especially how this boy is going about the relationship now. He is sure/he is not sure... he wants you/he wants to date other woman... he likes oral with you/he wants to watch porn while you do it.

    That is very degrading. No wonder you have llittle to no self esteem and self respect. You are definitely with the wrong guy. You said your sex life used to be good and now it is bad. What does that tell you? His emphasis is on the physical aspects of a relationship. You want something deeper and he wants to go out and experience other women.

    Let him go and do what he feels he needs to do. He wants to date others, then he is free to go. But close the door behind him. Do not become the comfortable person to come back to when and if he feels like it. If you stay with him, you can only expect this situation to get worse and your hurt to deepen. You will be reduced to doubting everything about yourself. Self respect and self image comes from within, we all know that. Making someone else responsible for this is transferring your own personal power to another person. That is saying "I cannot be happy until he is happy" "I cannot be sexy until he loves me" "I cannot be loved unless he loves me" That is so untrue.

    If you stick around with this user, expect more of the doormat treatment. Because unless a bolt of lightning strikes him, he is not likely to change.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,302, Reputation: 7692
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    #3

    Apr 1, 2007, 04:01 PM
    First it is not you, he has what appears to be an addiction to porm, and wants real life to live up to those standards, ( which he can not live up to either, thus he does less except in his mind)

    So he blames you because of his problems, and you are buying it.

    You don't need this jerk, you need to move on to someone that will truly love you, And honestly when he said that he wanted to sleep with others, should have been the last time you sleep with him and let him go find it then.

    Short of him packing your bags, what sign do you need to see that he does not want you, he wants his movies and his left hand, so find someone who wants you for you,
    ellaberry's Avatar
    ellaberry Posts: 13, Reputation: 1
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    #4

    Apr 1, 2007, 05:59 PM
    Wow. Just ditch him. He sounds absolutely horrible! You know how many nice guys there are out there? There is no need for you to spend even one more second with this guy. Trust me, most anyone would treat you better than him! Even if he does love you and you love him, it's still not worth sticking around for. I've been to that place, and god, one or two months later I just look back and go "wow was i ever crazy to stick around in that relationship!"
    candacep's Avatar
    candacep Posts: 17, Reputation: 2
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    #5

    Apr 1, 2007, 06:14 PM
    That is krazy... Seems like he has issues...
    A man should accept you for who you are... I am also 18 and if a man was making me feel like that... it seems like he really don't love you... I know it seems heartbreaking and it might sound like bull but really all I can say is that its not LOVE!! And if he really did love you it wouldn't matter what you look like... I say DUMP HIM!!
    Matt3046's Avatar
    Matt3046 Posts: 831, Reputation: 128
    Senior Member
     
    #6

    Apr 1, 2007, 06:17 PM
    Yeah there are allot of fish in the sea, sometimes you just have to change the bait.
    candacep's Avatar
    candacep Posts: 17, Reputation: 2
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    #7

    Apr 1, 2007, 06:22 PM
    Exactly... A Woman Should Feel Beautiful No Matter How She Looks Fat Chubby Skinny Obese... And To Have A Man You Say So Called "loves You" Saying He Don't Like How You Look And You Have To Wake Up Before He Wakes Up To Put Make Up On To Look Pretty?? Hmmm That Is Sad You Put Makeup On Because You Want To Look Pretty For Yourself Not For Some Guy... F That... When You Do Find The Right Man He Will Accept You For You... And Not The Way You Look... Its Not Love Girl
    Ash123's Avatar
    Ash123 Posts: 1,793, Reputation: 305
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    #8

    Apr 1, 2007, 07:09 PM
    RUN.

    ... or just pack and walk quietly.

    Your friends and parents are what you need now.

    You are wayyyyyy too young to be distracted by this.
    Your career, school and dreams come way above this guy. He's a mess...

    I'm rooting for you girl!
    12345help's Avatar
    12345help Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #9

    Apr 2, 2007, 08:53 AM
    I understand what your saying and I thank you all for your replys, and it definitely the same sort of response that I get from every one. But I am telling you only the things that make me unhappy there is so much that he does too to try and make me feel loved. And those things are what I love and makes me so happy when I'm with him. So I don't want to leave him, I just want to find a way to imrpve and repair the relationship. I feel I do have a future with him and sometimes he does talk about being with me forever, marriage and kids.
    I just wish he still had sparks for me like I do for him.
    Any other different advice,
    And in response to sayining let him to go to be with others, I have agreed in the past to let him be with others, to going on breaks and to just being friends, but he has never done anything with anyone and in a matter of days rings me back to say its me he wants and he's just confussed and doesn't want any of that.
    Maricruz's Avatar
    Maricruz Posts: 37, Reputation: 7
    Junior Member
     
    #10

    Apr 2, 2007, 09:14 AM
    An honest, lasting relationship is not based on how good the sex is. And someone who truly loves you will not tell you that he's not sexually attracted to you, he should make you feel beautiful.
    You are only 18 and have your whole life ahead of you, you are both too young to start talking marriage, kids, and forever. If all that is going to work with anyone you need to get an education and a steady job first and you really need to know what you want out of life. Children are expensive to raise and once you have them, there isn't a lot of time for anything else. Enjoy your freedom while you have it and take care of yourself. The rest will follow...
    Ash123's Avatar
    Ash123 Posts: 1,793, Reputation: 305
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    #11

    Apr 2, 2007, 09:24 AM
    What do you want in life?
    It's not going to happen where you are and every day you stay you get further from it.


    LEAVE and show some self respect or stay and frankly you will loose your friends... and your online sympathy. I know you came on here to find a waay to solve this, but he has bad character and that is NOT Solvable.

    What happened to you growing up that would make you endure this?
    Ask yourself that and then see if you are a strong girl or a weak one.

    He is betting you are weak. So far, he is right.

    I am betting you have something surprisingly strong in you, that's why you are on this site. You know what you have to do.

    **But you are not a prisoner.
    Can you imagine being locked up against your will?? Well, it happens everyday all around the world. You are lucky - you can run away.

    Don't forget that... and don't make yourself a victim.

    I am rooting for you!!

    Now, let's see who's right?

    If it's him, then so be it.

    SO, from now on, don't allow yourself to be too pathetic.
    it may be why he treats you like a dog.
    your next boyfriend will respect you more...
    Maricruz's Avatar
    Maricruz Posts: 37, Reputation: 7
    Junior Member
     
    #12

    Apr 2, 2007, 04:12 PM
    Ash is right... if you keep letting him treat you this way, he will continue doing so.

    Why do you want to have sex with someone who was told you that you are not sexually atractive to him? Just so he doesn't leave? He is NOT worth it. I am not a prude by any means, but I truly believe that sex needs to happen between people who care for each other at some level, and I'll say it again - no one who really cares for you will tell you that you are sexually unattractive. And anyone who would rather watch porn than enjoy a physicial relationship with someone has some serious issues.

    Many years ago when I was about your age, I had a boyfriend who flat out told me I danced like an idiot - in front of my family -, that I didn't dress right. He had me do his physics project for him while he watched soccer on T.V. (got an 100% - never thanked me). He was my first, he was good in the sack (or so I thought at the time), so I was blinded... luckily I had two very good friends who told me what a jerk he was and took the blinders off by telling me he'd slept with his cousin and was bragging to the guys about it. I dumped him. When I told my family at Sunday dinner, I got a standing ovation. Everyone said they were trying to figure out a way to get me to break up with him, but knew that if they did, I'd just be more stubborn.

    So some of us have been where you are and don't want to see you go through what we went through. You are worth waaaay more than you give yourself credit for.
    12345help's Avatar
    12345help Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #13

    Apr 5, 2007, 11:01 AM
    Umm well your all be very happy to knew that , I tried to talk to him about my insecites and as I suspected it lead to him telling me that we can't fix the relationship because he can't help how we feels - not wanting to be committed , and now we've broke up :(
    I gues I know it was always going to happen just tried to prolong it as much as possible
    Il try move on with my life though he wants to be friends so that will be hard.
    I just fink I don't want to move on in case he decideds he wants me back and during the time apart il do something to jepidise that,
    I know I should move on though
    I will try
    Any way I'm going to try and keep smiling and not let him know how much this is hurting me
    Thank for all your advice before
    Il make sure I keep posting on this site
    Thank you
    :(
    novacaine69's Avatar
    novacaine69 Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #14

    Apr 29, 2008, 09:35 PM
    Hun I can relate to this and I know exactly how you are feeling.
    Its easy for people to say leave him and I know sex is a big thing in a relationship at our age, however after being in a two year relationship previous I've learnt that sex isn't everything and yes you do have low self esteem but its those moments when your oput together watching the TV together cooking together that's what pulls me through. Even though I still pester him for sex, just follow your head more than your heart. Hope it works out for you
    Synnen's Avatar
    Synnen Posts: 7,927, Reputation: 2443
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    #15

    Apr 30, 2008, 05:59 AM
    Closed for dates.

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