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    soygatita's Avatar
    soygatita Posts: 15, Reputation: 2
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    #1

    Oct 12, 2010, 07:06 PM
    Does my boyfriend view my 5yr old daughter sexually?
    I met this man at work and he was married. We always had an unspoken vibe; he had told me he would love to take me and my daughter out to get to see the city sometime (after months of knowing each other). I thought it somewhat strange since he was married, but didn't think too much of it. We did nothing romantic until a kiss one night before he transferred jobs. I had recently broken my TV and the next day, he bought us a new fancy thing saying it was because my daughter needed to have her TV. I thanked him, but felt weird about it and told him I didn't feel right about him being married,etc. and that it couldn't happen again. Needless to say, trust wasn't established from the beginning.

    He ended up divorcing his wife of five years (no kids) within the month, told me first, and eventually told me it was all to be with me. The Wii came shortly after, during their divorce, for my daughter again. He lavished me with gifts as well; he liked the feeling of taking care of us. So did I, but felt a bit strange about it all happening so abruptly with no promise of the future for him.

    Anyway, now we have been dating on and off for a year or so. He does take care of us, and I can be difficult at times and he is so patient (almost unemotionally patient, if that makes any sense) with me. He has been urgent to move in together a couple times, but now understands that I need time before I commit to something that big, especially because of my baby girl. I work A lot, and my relationship with my girl suffers... I do what I have to do. But this is significant because I ask her how she feels around him, and she seems like she won't open up to me. Breaks my heart. Anyway, he offers to watch her, drop her off at school, loves helping with homework... Good things! Right?? Sometimes, he clams up and watches her in a way I feel weird like I'm intruding being in the same room... as my kiddo?? ***? This feeling won't go away. It's killing me; I love him a lot but not enough to risk my daughter's safety. I also don't want to risk my first relationship since being a single momma by being overanalytical. I just feel downright creeped out at times and I don't know what is wrong with me. Or is it him?

    Can anyone relate or have any input? Ask q's if you need to understand the situation better... Thanks in advance!!
    Stringer's Avatar
    Stringer Posts: 3,733, Reputation: 770
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    #2

    Oct 12, 2010, 09:59 PM

    It sure has moved along pretty fast in my opinion. And it may be some type of transfer of feelings in a sense. He just went through a divorce.

    Now as far as your feelings about him and your daughter, may I ask for some more information. What exactly do you see that makes you think that he has sexual feelings about her? Is it the way that he looks at her, things that he says or other actions? Could you be more specific please?

    I will say that if you have these feelings then don't hesitate protect your 5 year old child that IS all that matters (period). And leaving her with him is not a good idea.

    Stringer
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,318, Reputation: 5972
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    #3

    Oct 12, 2010, 10:31 PM

    In cases like these I always say better safe than sorry. Trust your gut, it's not usually wrong. We don't get these feelings out of nowhere.

    I can just imagine how confusing this must be for you, especially since you don't have any proof to back up what you're feeling.

    What does your daughter say when you ask her about him? What questions do you ask? I would definitely talk to her about it, but in a way that won't frighten her. Make sure she knows that she can tell you anything, even if it's something that she may be afraid to tell you. She may be afraid to open up because he does buy her things and she may feel she's betraying him if she says something, even if she just says she doesn't like him.

    Until you decide what to do, do not leave him alone with your child.

    Good luck.
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,503, Reputation: 4600
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    #4

    Oct 13, 2010, 01:12 PM

    I have good instincts - if I'm suspicious I trust those same instincts.

    It could be anything. Would I take a chance where MY child is concerned? No.
    slapshot_oi's Avatar
    slapshot_oi Posts: 1,537, Reputation: 589
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    #5

    Oct 13, 2010, 01:26 PM

    Yes yes yes! Trust your gut!

    You don't sound like you're too crazy about this guy anyway.
    simoneaugie's Avatar
    simoneaugie Posts: 2,490, Reputation: 438
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    #6

    Oct 13, 2010, 02:47 PM

    Unemotionally patient make sense to me if he is an analyst type of person. If he is logical and rational and calm as opposed to being emotional, that's his personality. Getting weird feelings about him around your daughter is a whole different subject.

    Have you talked with him about these feelings?
    soygatita's Avatar
    soygatita Posts: 15, Reputation: 2
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    #7

    Oct 13, 2010, 07:10 PM
    Thank you all so much for your validation; when you're used to someone and alone with just them so often, it's easy to feel like you may be the one who is out of line... especially when the only other judgment involved is a 5yr old whom you don't want to upset or frighten or put in an akward situation...

    SimonAugie, I have indeed brought this up in the most reasonable way possible without straight up accusing him. I have made comments in the past that may have drifted over his head (or he has chosen to ignore, I'm not sure). But day before yesterday, after a weekend trip out of town with him, my nanny/sitter, and my girl, I took a more direct approach and sat down and expressed to him my uncomfortable feelings when the three of us are together. Also mentioned to him his perverted jokes on a family outing (even though they were just to me) were a little much and I didn't like that. His reaction? Well, he seemed to avert my attention to "surrounding situations" that made him feel/act different... opposed to acknowleging the feelings I expressed. He did not say I was nuts by any means, nor did he really let on that he understood in any way what I was implying/asking. There is usually a huge communication barrier between us. Then again, I wasn't asking anything per say. Such a tough discussion, without making someone feel totally accused. I noticed he could not really look at me, though, and seemed detached... or maybe even ashamed. But that's just it - he seems very cold and detached at times and I can't pinpoint what the heck it is.

    I explained to him that I would be selfish to stay with him at this point because it would have to be separate from my girl (ie my "real" life) if these feelings won't go away, and also that it would be unfair to him to only be a part of my life if he is as serious as he says and wants to eventually have children with me. He seemed to have no real response/concern with this, just deep in thought and seemingly about something other than what I was telling him. He mentioned at one point a while back that he hopes, if he ever has kids, that he does not have a son. I sense some issues with his dad and him, but again it is tough to get him to open up. Is this relevant at this point? Yeah, probably not..



    soygatita's Avatar
    soygatita Posts: 15, Reputation: 2
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    #8

    Oct 13, 2010, 07:18 PM
    Altenweg,
    I have mentioned a few times to my daughter that she is the most important, wins-over-everyone, girl in my life. As relaxed as possible, I have said how did you feel this morning when He dropped you off at school? When she says fine... I say did you feel happy? Weird? Excited? She mentioned once that she felt a little weird because Mommy was not there, but it seems pretty obvious that she enjoys Him a lot and asks when he will be coming over, etc...

    Another thing I wrote earlier is that, with all the hours I have to work to support us, my relationship with my baby has suffered a little. I feel like we are not as close/open as we used to be, and fear she may be soaking up any extra attention she can to replace what I can't give her... That's another blog though...

    Any suggestions on better questions to ask? I know that I know my child better than anyone, but like I have heard and experienced, even "good" kids don't tell lots of times for fear of various things. Man, this sucks.
    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,792, Reputation: 2604
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    #9

    Oct 13, 2010, 07:42 PM

    He ended up divorcing his wife of five years (no kids) within the month, told me first, and eventually told me it was all to be with me.

    That would have creeped me out. He gets divorced within the month and it's all for you and starts with the gifts. This is creepy.
    I would not let him near my daughter, in fact I would be leery of him daughter aside. Did he say why he suddenly divorced his wife? Didn't you think it strange that he came to you so soon after his divorce?
    soygatita's Avatar
    soygatita Posts: 15, Reputation: 2
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    #10

    Oct 13, 2010, 07:51 PM
    Homegirl 50,

    Good point. We'd known each other 1yr at work, and he was unhappy in his marriage anyway. He said she loved him too much, and that he never really loved her -also kind of strange. They smoked pot a lot and he wanted out of that. He said she was his first. We're both 28.
    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,792, Reputation: 2604
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    #11

    Oct 13, 2010, 07:56 PM

    You know him better than we do, but as a woman and a mother I say trust your instincts!
    This whole thing is just creepy.
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,318, Reputation: 5972
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    #12

    Oct 13, 2010, 09:39 PM

    Any suggestions on better questions to ask? I know that I know my child better than anyone, but like I have heard and experienced, even "good" kids don't tell lots of times for fear of various things. Man, this sucks
    .

    It's hard to know exactly what to ask. I was molested by my cousin when I was 5, and I had a wonderful, very close, relationship with my parents. I never told.

    My main reason was that even at 5, I knew this would destroy them. Also, my cousin threatened me with stuff that only a 5 year old would fall for, "your parents will hate you, they'll think it's your fault, they'll think you're a tattle tale, they'll split up and it will be your fault" those sorts of things.

    My parents didn't really suspect something, even though I cried every time my cousin came to babysit. I would beg them not to leave. But, back then things like this weren't as well known, they weren't really talked about like they are now. They did ask why I cried when my cousin came over, but I always just told them that I miss them, and didn't want them to go.

    Have you noticed any signs with your daughter that she doesn't want to be with him alone? If she has to go somewhere with him does she seem nervous, anxious, does she cry, or beg you not to make her go? Those are some pretty clear signs that something is going on, and that's when you should ask questions, when she's acting out about something that's the perfect time to ask what's going on, and to let her know that no matter what it is, you will always be there.

    I hope this helps.
    Enigma1999's Avatar
    Enigma1999 Posts: 2,223, Reputation: 1077
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    #13

    Oct 13, 2010, 10:04 PM

    Hello Soy,

    This is a very tough situation.

    This could mean many many different things.

    You have to really think about how you are going to approach him with this.

    I mean, this isn't about, "hey did you use my toothbrush?" This is about him having sexual thoughts about your daughter.

    I have mixed feelings here. I agree with stringer that the relationship has moved quite quickly after a divorce.

    Just by reading your posts, it's hard to say if there is anything going on.

    If it were my child, I would dig a little deeper with her. By asking how her day was with him, what they do or play together, if she likes being around him...

    I also, at a separate time, tell her that she can always go to you for anything. Communication with your daughter will help. Now I know that you mentioned that you have asked her questions, and that's good. Just continue to ask her more questions. You don't have to badger her, just communicate.

    ALSO, if it were me, if I felt ANYTHING odd going on at all, even with out proof, I would put a stop to it.

    The fact that you even questioned yourself about this, tells me you should remove your daughter from this situation.

    You seem like a intelligent person, so I would go with your feelings on this.

    Good luck.
    Just_Another_Lemming's Avatar
    Just_Another_Lemming Posts: 437, Reputation: 211
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    #14

    Oct 14, 2010, 05:37 AM

    soygatita, while reading both your posts, alarm bells were going off for me. Please reread everything that you wrote with as much objectivity as you can. Pretend any one of us wrote what you have written here and put yourself in our place as a responder.

    That little nagging voice inside of you is there for a reason. I have always found when I question it, I get myself into trouble. Please, I am asking you to not question it now.

    If you question the motives or intentions of a love interest at ANY time, it means there is a lack of trust. According to what you have written, this has been going on from the beginning. It is not going to get better with time so it simply doesn't matter whether his intentions toward your daughter are innocent or evil. These nagging questions are all HUGE flags that this is not the right man for you. Dump him. Eventually you will find someone you can enjoy being with and you know loves you for you and doesn't leave you feeling that he might molest your daughter.
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
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    #15

    Oct 14, 2010, 07:02 AM

    I can't say if his interests in your child are sexual or not. I will say that it sounds like he is interested in your child at the very least as a substitute because he doesn't have any. He could be substituting your daughter for any number of reasons from a sister who died young, a miscarriage or abortion, a child given up for adoption to always having wanted a child. In any case it does not sound like a healthy interest.

    You say there were 'vibes' during the first year when you worked together. Did these get stronger or more pronounced when he found out you had a very young daughter? Everything seems to lead to getting you comfortable enough to leave your child with him. While he at first seems to be using your child as way to get closer to you (if he is attentive to the child, then you would be more open to his advances), it seems that it is actually the other way around. Help out the mother to get to the child.

    A big red flag for me would be if you feel excluded from their activities or if nearly everything you do as a couple includes the child. If you talk about going out to dinner and a movie and it becomes McDonald's and Disney instead of a baby-sitter and a more adult oriented restaurant and movie.

    If your daughter is five now, then she was about three when he came into your lives. Something to think about: Pedophiles can be very patient and 'groom' not only the child (the target), but the parent(s), too.

    This may be an off the wall question, but have you checked the Sex Offender Registries?
    soygatita's Avatar
    soygatita Posts: 15, Reputation: 2
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    #16

    Oct 14, 2010, 08:12 AM
    Wow Cat. While this is the most harsh answer, it may also be the most realistic. Whether I ever know or not for sure, the doubt is disgusting and since you ask, whether it be coincidence or not, he did push harder after he met my little one. Actually has mentioned a few times when I've expressed concerns about her, etc. that "I've known you had a kid since I tried to be with you baby...." Just entertaining the thought makes me sick. I will keep my cool; he is out of town until Saturday, and when he comes back I will sit down and give him as honest as possible (without causing a fight) the reasons we cannot be together. I have not checked the SOR but I did just call my landlord and ask her to change the codes to our front garage.

    Why is it, I wonder that when I mentioned feeling weird around him and my girl to my mom and my sister's girlfriend a couple times (the only people I felt comfortable to admit that too without feeling guilt myself), that they said I may be overanalyzing... Hmmmm, I am grateful to have so many people respond and be on the same page. Thanks guys.
    soygatita's Avatar
    soygatita Posts: 15, Reputation: 2
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    #17

    Oct 14, 2010, 08:18 AM
    [QUOTE]If it were my child, I would dig a little deeper with her. By asking how her day was with him, what they do or play together, if she likes being around him... /QUOTE]

    Enigma, the thing is I have only left her alone with him maybe three or four times because of this nagging feeling... and don't really want to experiment with longer periods of "alone time" for them when I feel the way I do. Thank you for your words... If it ever got to the point where I asked her these questions, I fear the answers would be ones I don't want to hear, you know?
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
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    #18

    Oct 14, 2010, 08:45 AM

    How you told them may not be as blunt as you told us. Body language and tone may have given them a different perspective.

    Don't doubt yourself and your instincts. Trying to make certain you are seeing the red flags is not the same as closing your eyes and ignoring them.

    Good luck.
    simoneaugie's Avatar
    simoneaugie Posts: 2,490, Reputation: 438
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    #19

    Oct 15, 2010, 03:59 PM

    While I'd agree that your instincts are probably going the right way, what you described when you talked to him about it pricked my ears.

    If he is an analytical person, his reactions to your questions do appear baffling to an emotional person. My husband is this way. He does not respond or even listen like I would expect.

    He is quiet and thinks about his answer. He does not process my question the way I, an emotional person would. His thought processes revolve around what is logical or illogical, not with how he feels at all. This different approach does not make him a pedophile.

    On the other hand, keeping your own space and your daughter safe within it feels to me, like the right decision for you right now.

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