My husband and i have been married for 2 years, together for 5. We didn't have sex before we got married due to his religious beliefs (he was a virgin, I wasn't). I never really had "head over heels" feelings for him while we were dating but i dismissed it and figured those feelings would develop after sex came into the picture. I was way wrong. We didn't have sex as much as i expected and I always had to initiate. Eventually i begin feeling undesirable and wondered what was wrong with me (even tho I've been told I'm very attractive). I decided to see what would happen if i stopped initiating and now it has been 9 months since we've had sex! I feel like we're just roommates and even though he's a great roommate, there's a void in my life where romance, passion and chemistry should be. I'm starving to the point where I'm vulnerable to an affair. As cliche as it sounds, I love him but am not IN LOVE with him. I don't even want to have sex with him now. I've expressed my concerns about this since we got married but he didn't seem to try to change anything. Then, the other night i woke up to him masturbating with his hand down my pj pants! I felt totally violated and wondered how long this has been going on! The thought of sex with him completely creeps me out and I'm SO unhappy. We've seen 3 marriage counselors and he wants to try to make this work because divorce is against his religion but I don't see how this can change. I just think we aren't sexually compatible and I feel bitter because there was no way I could know this before we got married. Should I stick around or is this a legitimate cause for divorce?

It's a legitimate cause, basically just because you are unhappy in the marriage, and not in love, but maybe you could seek more counseling, however, he does not have the right to touch you at all if you say no or are incapacitated (... like being asleep).. that is wrong.

He is definitely being selfish. I think I would feel the same way as you. If he had discussed it with you before hand then that would be one thing for you to go into the marriage knowing what to expect and accepting it. He needs counseling for sure because he must have some religious beliefs that it is wrong and thinks masturbating is the acceptable substitute when it is nothing more than pure selfishness on his part.
If he is Christian and so religious he should know the Bible says not to deny your spouse.

Get out while you are young.



Good Luck!

I think you should get a divorce and find a real man who can satisfy you in every way especially sexually. The point of being married is to have unsinful sex that you enjoy. You also mention you not loving him, so I guess that's another reason. But just take your time, do a little more counsling and talk to him more and if things don't change then LEAVE HIM!

Divorce is not the answer. What you need to do is find a marriage councillor at his church that is also a licensed sex therapist. Yes, they are there. I would be willing to bet he is afraid that sex, except tor procreation is a bad thing. Too bad, because a lot of churches hold this belief. Which is WRONG! God gave us the ability to enjoy our sexual relations with out spouse and he expects us to.

Why should she go to HIS church for a counselor if HE is the one that is holding beliefs that basically make sex a bad thing?

This thread is EXACTLY why I don't think people should wait until marriage to live together and/or have sex.

I do not believe that masturbation is selfish. But your husband does have some issues surrounding his sexuality. Whatever his issues are they are directly affecting you. There are many roads you could take, from further counselling to a continuation of the problem to divorce.

From bitter experience I will tell you that no matter how much counselling the two of you go through, his sexual "issues" will continue to dominate the relationship. I could say that divorce is not the answer, but that's a late call. Never marry someone unless you've tried him out first.

Get out of there! Don't worry that your decision may be "wrong." You have stuck it out, been open to change and continued to do without. People don't change, as a rule. Find someone who likes the same things you do in the bedroom, someone you can talk to about sex and solve problems together. Life is too short to stay with a guy who won't put out. There are far too many who will, who you can love and be loved in return without "issues."

Sounds to me like you have already decided what the right answer is in your heart. Follow it.

This thread is 4 years old. The OP hasn't been back since their original post.

Please watch dates when responding, as there are more recent questions that would probably better benefit from being answered.