I am 21, My boyfriend is also 21. We have Been together for 2 years (as of July 18th) :) Well when we had first gotten together we weere both very sexualy active, we would at least have intercourse 1-3 times a day or every other day.

This all seemed to have started about a year ago. Last year I had made the worst mistake of my LIFE and to this day I regret it terribly well anyway, I got really drunk and had cheated on him. He forgave me. Of course I had to go through months and months of no trust and being on think thin ice and long nights arguing and all that.

Things seemed to be getting better and they are. We are actually happier then we have been in a very very long time. But It just seems like we don't have sex anymore. After I cheated we still seemed to have sex the same. But month after month it got less and less.

I mean we would have GREAT amazing sex, 1-3 times daily, and we would do it everywhere lol. But now its like he gets in and gets out and then its done with, I mean we cuddle a little bit and talk and laugh and have fun afterwards. But sex is lacking in the passionate and romantic department.
Its now like wam bam thank you mam. He doesn't even eat me out, or caress my body or so anything to take his time on me (if you know what I mean)


Not only that, but we went form having sex all the time to now, its like once every three weeks. This morning it has been three in a half weeks since we had sex, we tried doing it and I mean we tried but it just seems like he wasnty that interested and he didn't even get a hard on. I feel so unatractive to him. I mean I have gained about ten lbs. but I don't know I just feel so ugly and UGH.


Its very frustaraiting because I am a very sexually active person and me only being 21 years old I am at my sexual peak right now. I asked him what going on with him but he says he doesn't know why.


So my question is besides cheating because I KNOW for a fact he isn't cheating. What is it that can make a mans sexuality like... non existent.


Thanks

Have you talked with him about it when neither of you are expecting sex? If so, what does he say?

Does he have any health issues or medications he is on (self-medicating with alcohol and/or drugs included) which could impact his libido or performance?

Is he still harboring bad feelings about being cheated on? Could those thoughts become more prominent when trying to get aroused?

Have there been any other changes such as work/work schedule, family stress, stress at home (such as financial issues, housing issues, etc.)?

Have you gotten comfortable with each other and gotten into a rut? Do you need to discuss ways to bring some of the 'new relationship' passion back into the relationship? It is common for couples to get caught up in day-to-day life and lose track of the small things that build up desire for each other.

Taking a long hard look at what is going on in your lives can help you see where some of the 'libido-limiters' are, but you really need to sit down and have a non-confrontational discussion with him about the changes.

I have talked to him about it he says he doesn't know why, it couold be his work and we both work difrent shifts he works thirds and I work second shift. So we barley see each other and we do get distracted from other things. He also smokes pot. So that could also be a big factor. After we talked about it it seems like he's trying to find ways to be more romantic. And I know it takes two.

Is there anything that we can do to bring the romance back into our relationship. What can I do to be more spontanious in and out of the bedroom.

Im around the same age and I always reach this stage with whoever my girlfriend is at the time. After about a year and a half it just becomes routine for me. Not in a mean way but the "excitement" usually isn't there anymore. Try wowing him and doing something completely out the norm and see how that goes. Im sure the cheating thing affects him as well but I usually jokingly call this the "marriage" stage of a relationship. Try new things to get the sparks back and you 2 will be fine.

Ever considered introducing toys, discussing fantasies and playing them out if you're both interested by them?

Perhaps roleplaying?

Talk about these things with your boyfriend, it might bring a new spark to your sex life.

I have talked to him about that like his fantasy and stuff and all he says is that he likes stockings which I have already doen that like a million times lol hw seems really weird when it comes to talking about that stuff like sex and what not. I don't know its like he's not comfy talking about it

Did you ever mention any of your fantasies to him?

Perhaps he'll open up if he sees you open up.

I'm just wild guessing here however.

Some people aren't until they realise their partner isn't going to laugh or run screaming when they share their desires.

How do you approach the subject? Some people shut down if they feel like they are being accused or confronted about what they like.

He gave you a starting point: stockings. Ask him what he likes about them. Don't just wear them for him, but put them on and ask for his help securing them. See if adding gloves increases his pleasure.

Tell him your fantasies. Maybe write them down and give them to him. Be as open with him as you want him to be with you.

The reason for your sparse sex schedule in your original post. You said his libido died about a year ago, and you cheated on him about a year ago, obviously they're connected.

When my ex-girlfriend cheated on me years ago, my attraction to her instantly dropped off the table the moment I found out and our schedule became similar to yours. I just didn't look at her the same anymore. And then, she did it again because I wasn't giving her enough attention, it was turning into a cycle.

For every action there's a reaction. You made your choice--don't try to devalue cheating by saying it was a mistake, you knew what you were doing--and now he's making his. I wish I could give you some advice but I have none.

Good luck.

Well... it takes work to make it work.

You both need to be comfortable talking about your needs. You may not be comfortable, but you need to be working in that direction.

And if its not worth the effort or risk... well... it isn't sustainable.

Period.

Off hours and the demands of life outside the bedroom are real killers.

So...

Take time to make time.

Any way to change things up?

Rent a hotel for a night?

I don't care if its ten minutes away from your home...

Can you find a way to step away from the distraction of the normal... and go someplace to focus on yourself?

You might not be able to do it often. But once a month? Once a quarter? Can you find one day evert couple of months to throw all the normal noise out the window and just be able to enjoy each other?

The "rut" of life can run long and deep and it can easily distract you from paying attention to your precious, wild, wonderful life.

You need to realized that cheating on him left a open wound that never going to heal, no matter if you think everything is OK after you guys talked about it. He never trust you again, and that is always on his mind when you guys try to have sex. You must as well give up the relationship with him, he still there because is convinient for him, but not cause he loves you. Remember every action has an reaction.

I think I will try that thank you

Well, We have started to do it a lot more latley.
I talked to him about it and after that we have done it more. (even twice in oen night) lol
Anyway, I just think it was because not to long ago we had a pregnancy scare and I just don't think he wants to have a baby yet and he was probably freakin out.
Plus stress and working all the time and different shifts.
Also I have noticed that its not only him. Its also me I mean our romance has just gotten so low because of work and everything else.
We barley have time to get in that romantic mood and what not.
So I have been trying to find some good ideas to make things more romancy or even lovey. Just to let him know I'm thinking of him.


Thanks for the posts everyone if you have any ideas that would be greatly appreciated!


And for those of you writing about the cheating. Yes that might have a part of it. But I doubt it because I have worked my *** off for the past year to prove myself to him. And I have. My babe loves me and actually our relationship is better then its ever been besides the sex lol. And not only that but he forgave me. And in doing that and knowing that its past a year since the incident its about time he gotten over it and he has.

Not all relationships are the same, Im sorry but my boyfriend knows I won't cheat on him EVER AGAIN. I have worked so hard for the past year to gain his trust again. I been through the fighting and breakign up over and ove and being called names. Everyone makes mistakes. Its only human just because you cheat doesn't mean you shouldn't be forgiven. I mean yeah if you do it over and over then no. not only that but He has cheated on me before too and he hasn't since. And I know two wrongs don't maek a right but nobody is perfect. We love each other. And our relstionship is actually amazing.
It just we aren't havign sex. That's all.

Kitten, please review the rules for using the disagree/agree feature:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/forum-...nes-24951.html

Disagrees (reddies) are for inaccurate facts and dangerous advice. Opinions, even those that hurt are not subject to being 'disagreed' with.

I am glad you are talking to him and trying to work out the issues. It isn't easy getting out of ruts and dealing with fears. So, give it time and do what you can. Remember to work together and not against each other.

No need to apologize, you're going to believe what you're going to believe.
I'm sorry but you don't get to speak for him.
Well this adds a new dimension.
Wrong, this was no mistake. You made a choice. There is a huge difference.

Well, I thought I was making a valid point but I guess I struck a nerve instead. Communication (with him) is key.

Hmm I think its funny that I can't disagree on something that I Don't AGREE ON! Yes everyone has their own opinions and I Don't AGREE WIth his. SO REALLY I am preety sure I have every right. And it probably won't hurt his feelings. Really he is the one contridicting himself telling me that my boyfriend don't trust me and then telling me that I don't know how he feels oh but he does??

Wrong, this was no mistake. You made a choice. There is a huge difference.

OKay well then let me rephrase. TO ME it was a mistake. A mistake I wish had never happened in my life and honestly you don't know the whole story. I only kissed the guy for crying out loud. So its really just a mistake. BUT in general it's a BAD Choice that I wish I never made. And don't sit here and tell me I'm wrong? You throw the rules at me about your own opinions and that I can't diagree but yet your telling me IM WRONG?

I believe the givers advice turned out to be wrong so therefore I disagree, sorry.

Thanks to everyone stating their opinions and inputs. Even if I disagreed to it. It helped me figure out what it was and what it wasn't. In the end I talked to my man about the situation and I actually figured it out on my own with just talking to him about it.


We are perfectly fine now and we have actually been a lot more romantic with eachtoher. I think it was just stress as I said before and the pregnancy scare we had.