Ask Experts Questions for FREE Help !
Ask

    My boyfriend watches porn every day.

    Asked Dec 28, 2012, 12:01 PM 22 Answers
    I can be insecure and my boyfriend is a good guy but he watches a lot of porn. I don't mind if he watches it now and then but its at least once a day even after I have gotten him off he'll go watch it.We have sex or turns with oral sex at least 6 days a week. I don't like it when he watches it and wants to have sex... so I'll say today don't watch porn because I want sex and he'll say OK and then he'll watch it and tell me he doesn't so I'll have sex with him. I'm just wondering how to get him to compromise and stop lying. I'm not going to tell him to never watch it cause he is a guy and I know most guys really enjoy porn. He reaches climax every time we are together and I've tried "everything" but he still just goes back to porn.
    Last edited by talaniman; Dec 28, 2012 at 12:26 PM.
    Search this Question
    Share |
    22 Answers
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 36,899, Reputation: 5325
    Jobs & Parenting Expert
     
    #2

    Dec 28, 2012, 12:04 PM
    So if everything is going well in your sex life, why would you deny him his porn?
    Helpful (1)
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 51,634, Reputation: 10725
    Expert
     
    #3

    Dec 28, 2012, 12:27 PM
    Why are you insecure?
    Helpful
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 24,473, Reputation: 2749
    Uber Member
     
    #4

    Dec 28, 2012, 08:16 PM
    Exactly... you problem isn't porn... its your insecurity... they really AREN'T related at all... Find out why you are so insecure and deal with the insecurity... and trust me.. its not porn... thats only the excuse.

    First thing to learn... porn isn't about you... Do you watch chick flicks... with Brad Pitt or George Clooney or (fill in a male actors name). Do you read chick books like 50 shades of Gray? That's Porn for women.

    Guys like to see skin... it really is genetic.. its how we are wired... guys were like that when humanoids were hiding from the beasties by climbing up trees. And we always will. Looking at naked bodies has ZERO to do with loyalty or fidelity... they are unrelated.

    I bet you are young... really young.
    Helpful (1)
    curious1984's Avatar
    curious1984 Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #5

    Dec 28, 2012, 08:57 PM
    Actually I am not that young pushing 30.. but its not that he watches porn it's that he can't go a single day without it
    Helpful
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 24,473, Reputation: 2749
    Uber Member
     
    #6

    Dec 28, 2012, 09:03 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by curious1984 View Post
    actually I am not that young pushing 30..but its not that he watches porn its that he can't go a single day without it
    So? He's a normal guy... he COULD be out chasing skirts... he COULD be hanging out in bars... but he's not... he chose to be with you...

    I'm 51... I'm married... I look at some naked bodies every day... my wife doesn't have a problem with it, I don't have to hide it... And there are LOTS of others just like me.
    Helpful
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 80,489, Reputation: 7608
    Expert
     
    #7

    Dec 28, 2012, 09:06 PM


    I am "well over 50" and while I may not every day, I do often, and my wife has no issue in it what so ever. She knows it is her that I am coming to bed with.

    It is the porn that is the issue or you would not care if it was once a week or every day, if it is not effecting you.
    Helpful
    dontknownuthin's Avatar
    dontknownuthin Posts: 2,842, Reputation: 730
    Ultra Member
     
    #8

    Dec 28, 2012, 09:22 PM
    I don't believe that "all" guys like porn and certainly your boyfriend's interest in it is extreme. Most men would not have that kind of time. He appears to be addicted to porn. I think it's a reasonable reason to end the relationship, and I would if I were you. I similarly wouldn't want to be with a guy who "had to" play video games every day. There are grown men out there who have evolved past puberty and don't need to act like they are 14 and jerking off at scout camp.

    I certainly wouldn't want porn in my house with children around.

    It's totally separate from and unnecessary for a healthy and fun, adventurous sex life.
    Helpful
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 51,634, Reputation: 10725
    Expert
     
    #9

    Dec 29, 2012, 06:47 AM
    Is there something you do every day that annoys him? Have you asked yourself why his personal habit annoys you, especially since it doesn't affect your sex life? Do you feel threatened by his porn watching? Why?

    How old is he and how long has this been an issue? How long have you been together? Bet he has no clue why you make such a big deal of this, since it not about sex, just a personal habit of his that bugs you. WHY??

    Please explain why you take this so personally and want to change it because YOU think he shouldn't do it every day. Do you know, or is it just YOUR feeling its wrong.
    Helpful
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 7,914, Reputation: 3656
    Marriage Expert
     
    #10

    Dec 29, 2012, 10:54 AM


    ... so I'll say today don't watch porn because I want sex
    You have said that you have sex (oral sex is sex) six days a week. That leaves him with maybe one day a week when you aren't expecting sex of some type. Is he supposed to ask permission like a child asking to watch a cartoon? You might not like the idea, but that is how you are treating him when you try to control what he does.

    Have you ever said that and then at the end of the day changed your mind or it 'just didn't happen'?

    After sex, have you ever watched a movie/TV show or read a book especially one with an actor or character you find attractive? Looking at porn is approximately the same thing.

    If he is jumping out of bed to go look, then you might have a complaint. However, I have a feeling that porn may not be the cause but, rather, a symptom of a lack of communication. How well do you communicate about fantasies, likes, dislikes and desires?

    I honestly do not see any compromise in what you have written. What I see is a man who loves you and wants to be with you, but feels like he has to agree to your demands to keep peace. He is lying because you expect him to do what you want to make you happy.

    How has he lied to you about viewing porn? Said he wouldn't and he did? Told you he didn't when you asked? How did you find out he 'lied'? Interrogation, snooping, etc.

    He can't make you happy. No one can because you are allowing your insecurity to dictate your behavior. Think about it. You are insecure so you don't want him to view porn at certain times. If he stopped and did exactly what you want, you would be looking for evidence and interrogating him to make certain he really didn't.

    You cannot change another person. You can change yourself. You can do things that help you feel more secure about who you are. One thing about feeling more confident about yourself is that you start caring less about what he does or looks at.

    Talk to him again, but keep your mind open to listening to what he says. Try to actually work together. Think in terms of adapting to each other, not changing the other person. Instead of telling when he can view porn, talk to him about how he thinks about porn and why he looks. You are listening to complete strangers on the subject, but have you listened to him?
    Helpful (2)
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 24,473, Reputation: 2749
    Uber Member
     
    #11

    Dec 29, 2012, 09:03 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by dontknownuthin View Post
    I don't believe that "all" guys like porn and certainly your boyfriend's interest in it is extreme. Most men would not have that kind of time. He appears to be addicted to porn. I think it's a reasonable reason to end the relationship, and I would if I were you. I similarly wouldn't want to be with a guy who "had to" play video games every day. There are grown men out there who have evolved past puberty and don't need to act like they are 14 and jerking off at scout camp.

    I certainly wouldn't want porn in my house with children around.

    It's totally separate from and unecessary for a healthy and fun, adventurous sex life.
    You have a lot to learn about life then... and a lot more to learn about men.

    He's NOT addicted to porn at all. THe only grown men that have as you claimed.. "matured beyond puberty" have either been totally emasculated.. or have the sex drive of a rotting tree stump.

    I personally can speak for MOST if not all men when I say that comment was exceptionally rude towards men and totally uncalled for.

    How about we turn that around on the women and make the claim SHE is obligated to put out whenever he demands it and however he demands it? And if SHE doesn't she's an iceberg... and if SHE happens to want more than he does then SHE is immature and a slut that hasn't matured much past puberty herself.

    That doesn't sound so good does it... and that's because it isn't. And its really much the same about what you said.


    And incidentally... if you have kids in the house... computers have things called passwords. Those you can use to keep people away from stuff you don't want them to have access to.

    And since you can pick up a decent refurbished computer and monitor for less than $300, dad can have his own computer and the kids theirs.
    Helpful
    dontknownuthin's Avatar
    dontknownuthin Posts: 2,842, Reputation: 730
    Ultra Member
     
    #12

    Dec 30, 2012, 06:48 AM
    There are men who recognize that objectification of women as sexual objects, even if it's voluntary, for a money-making enterprise like porn or stripping, is not sexy - it's sad. And putting down porn and people who, despite the fact that it goes against a commitment they've made to their partner and is very hurtful to that partner, use it daily. As far as me having a lot to learn, I'm sure that's true but not likely on this subject - I'm no teenager and have a great many male friends who are open about their sexual likes and dislikes, and very clear that porn is not something they want nor need nor believe in to be satisfied. From my own experience in marriage and other relationships, I've found only two men were interested in porn. They were the most immature of the men with whom I've had personal relationships and were not only dishonest about porn habits, but were generally dishonest across the board. You're ignoring the part where she's asked her boyfriend not to use porn, and he agrees then violates the agreement.

    I suppose daily use of porn is the norm for some men, but there are many more who do not sit around every day looking at porn on the internet or in magazines. There are many men who have a higher standard for themselves and who are satisfied with their partner and their fantasies.

    We all have fantasies, sexual and otherwise, but we don't all have to have something external like a pornographic recording, to enjoy those fantasies.

    Porn is not innocuous. Few women are comfortable with their boyfriend or husband using it because it sets up very unrealistic expectations for what women look like and how we act, and generally portray women as slutty dingbats. Some men are so into porn that they ignore their real-life wife or girlfriend.

    And I'm not going to worry about offending men who finance an industry that does so much harm to women. I'm offended by an industry that is often responsible for dividing very young women from their families; often is involved in prostitution; often is heavily dependedent on narcotics and other illegal drugs; and which generates it's income from young girls/women who are not old enough nor mature enough to know what she is getting into, nor what it will take her to get out. There are some sex workers who are happy with their choices, mature and manage successul, happy social lives and relationships but they are very, very rare. Most are suffering young girls brought into the industry by pimps and other profit-seeking, sleezy men who often use drugs, coercion, blackmail and similar tactics to force the women into this life. Many are not even adults - the industry for child porn is too sick to even contemplate. So, if I offend people to feed a market for this, so be it - they should be offended, though by their own actions.
    Helpful
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 24,473, Reputation: 2749
    Uber Member
     
    #13

    Dec 30, 2012, 11:43 AM
    You obviously haven't known many men to make those statements which are VERY, VERY wrong.

    You also haven't talked with all that many women about it either for that matter. Because the only women that have issues with porn.. have far bigger personal issues they refuse to acknowledge much less work to fix.. because that would burst their bubble they live in where they believe they are perfect and its everyone else who is deeply flawed. Otherwise they would have to face that they are the ones with the real problem... so they go through life blaming everyone else for their own flaws.

    Personally... I can't even fathom where you feel you are able to make such blanket generalizations.

    To start with SHE isn't the Queen any more than he is the king... and he isn't subservient to her whims and delusions any more than she would be to his.

    Talk about people with control issues... Its a marriage... its not indentured servitude. And that's what you are turning it into.

    Personally as a guy... its attitudes like that which will drive any man into cheating on the spouse... if things like finances and kids make a divorce a bigger problem. I've tossed out every female I've ever known that showed a hint of being a control freak... because I don't pull that control freak stuff with the women I've been with and I certainly won't put up with it either.

    Personally I think you need some counseling... Soon.

    Its YOU with the problem... not them. Seriously... Jeeze...


    And that's not directed at you personally in case it might appear that way... but the MINORITY of people that have that attitude in general...
    Helpful
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 24,473, Reputation: 2749
    Uber Member
     
    #14

    Dec 30, 2012, 03:22 PM
    I thought of another analogy but the edit went away before I did.

    If ONE member in your family up and decided its unethical to eat meat... and they became rabid about it... THEY don't have the right to dictate to the others that they can't enjoy the meat they enjoy eating.

    Its fine if THEY don't want to do it... but they have no right to DEMAND everyone else do it just because it would upset them.

    One persons rights END where their personal space ends and the other persons personal space begins.

    If you have an irrational fear of Green stuff, you have no right to demand everyone around you NOT have green stuff because it would upset you. You have to deal with your own problem that is making you afraid of green stuff...
    Helpful
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 80,489, Reputation: 7608
    Expert
     
    #15

    Dec 31, 2012, 02:06 AM


    I will have to go with smoothy on this one, most men watch, or would like to watch porn, it is just part of the human nature and how men are wired.

    Men will watch a pretty girl, or maybe a ugly girl with a very short skirt on. They will turn their head at a half naked girl walking down the street. They will dream about the lady at the corner store and having sex with the Dallas cheer leaders.

    Porn comes in all sizes, many men will not buy a "PORN" DVD because it is sinful or they were taught it was not right, but they will stare at TV with models and swimsuits and dream.

    Sex and half naked women are desired in the mind by man, that is why commercials and sells use that as a tool in sales.

    I would challenge that many of the men who watch do so, as a relase of sexual tension, more honest and open than those that hide in the bathroom and take care of business dreaming about some past or wishful sexual experience.
    Helpful
    dontknownuthin's Avatar
    dontknownuthin Posts: 2,842, Reputation: 730
    Ultra Member
     
    #16

    Dec 31, 2012, 11:05 AM
    It's not controlling for a woman to express what she needs in a relationship. If she is offended and hurt by her husband using porn on a daily basis, and he agrees not to use it, then he is simply wrong to use it. He should have the courage and decency to at least be honest and say "I'm not giving it up" so she can then make a truth-based decision on whether to remain in the relationship. Smoothy, you give the example of a vegetarian trying to control his or her partner. I agree that would be extreme. But surely you understand that it's more hurtful for a woman to see her partner sexually stimulated over, and in this case apparently addicted to, enjoying other women sexually - whether on the internet or not - than finding out that he had a burger for lunch.

    As for me needing counseling, that's pretty offensive and you don't know me at all. Ridiculous. As for me not talking to women about this issue - that's ridiculous as well. I've worked with women in a variety of difficult circumstances through charitable enterprises, including many women who have worked in the sex industry. I think they know better than you what the life is like, and they have been devastated by it. It's also ignorant to ignore the problem of sex slavery of women and children throughout the world, including the US.

    I'm not saying men don't enjoy looking at attractive women but there's a difference between that and a guy who uses pornography daily. You really think that MOST men use pornography DAILY? That's ridiculous. And it's wrong to suggest to the OP that she's "wrong" to be hurt and disappointed that her partner is disregarding her legitimate feelings by violating the agreed terms of their relationship. She doesn't have to put up with it. For that matter, if he's going to use all this porn, there are some women - probably not many though - who are fine with this behavior and he should be with someone like-minded rather than hurting someone who is not.
    Helpful
    dontknownuthin's Avatar
    dontknownuthin Posts: 2,842, Reputation: 730
    Ultra Member
     
    #17

    Dec 31, 2012, 11:17 AM
    Also, are you arguing that any woman who objects to their partner using porn - DAILY - is a control freak? I think it's far more controlling to enter a relationship with a particular agreement on a relationship issue with no intention of honoring that agreement, then throw it in the partner's face on a "take it or leave it" basis. She's not controlling, she's hurt and offended.

    It's pretty difficult to have a successful relationship absent sensitivity to the other person's feelings. What's very telling is that while many men enjoy porn, not too many would be OK if their mother, sister, girlfriend, wife or daughter started stripping up at the corner or started a porn site online.

    Give men a little more credit.
    Helpful
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 24,473, Reputation: 2749
    Uber Member
     
    #18

    Dec 31, 2012, 11:37 AM
    You are COMPLETELY missing the point of everything we have been saying.

    It absolutely IS controlling behaviour to DEMAND another adult who has free will to NOT do something they enjoy just so you can continue to avoid dealing with a personal problem you have.

    First one spouse doesn't have the right to be making demands like that of the other... period.


    It doesn't matter if one loves Bondage and the other absolutely hates it... or if one demands oral and the other hates it... or of he demands to you he wants anal and you don't like or want it...

    As an adult he has every right to look at porn if he wants... because after all, that's one of the benefits of being an adult... you get to do things you want. Your personal rights end where your personal space ends and his begins.


    If she has no self esteme... then its her problem to deal with that... or she's never going to have any...

    Like high blood pressure or diabetes... pretending there isn't a problem by avoiding it and telling others to NOT remind you that you have it.. doesn't make the problem go away.

    Of course you feel its perfectly fine to be making the demands... as long as YOU don't have to start doing what he demands whether you like it or not... because after all, you are right and nobody else is.

    And if you want to alk about sensitivity to other persons feelings... lets turn this around... there must be one thing or more you absolutely do not like and refuse to do...

    Now lets say your husband wants more than anything to do them with you... using your own logic and rationalization... you should be more than willing to drop everything and do it for him even if you don't want to.

    Or is this really more about putting yourself up on a pedistal where you alone are right and everyone else is somehow not your equal but below you?

    Because personally... a spouse is an equal... not a personal servant. I don't reat her as one.. and I sure as hell won't let her treat me like one. Its equal or don't let the door hit you in the back on your way out as you leave.

    I'm not giving you any credit here because you don't deserve any... first you have a personal problem... low self esteme.. you refuse to deal with it... so you go off on a tirade about how EVERYONE around you has to jump through hoops and give up their rights just so you can avoid dealing with your problem a little longer...

    Second.. you have an irrational problem with porn... but I bet you love your chick flicks... soap operas and Rmance Novels... so why stop being a hypocrite there too. THose are to the female brain EXACTLY what porn is to the male brain.

    Like I said before... if you have an irrational fear of green things... you do NOT have the right to demand everyone around you throw away their green things so you don't have to deal with seeing green things... because heaven forbid you ever deal with the problem you have with green things. That's too much lioke admiting you actually have a problem.
    Helpful
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 51,634, Reputation: 10725
    Expert
     
    #19

    Dec 31, 2012, 04:49 PM
    The only thing I can agree with is a guy being honest about what he does. Most will lie, or agree to anything to avoid having a mad female running around. But that's emotional blackmail and I wouldn't put up with it.

    Yes you would have to deal with the truth and make your own decision. If you can't handle the truth that would be YOUR problem to solve and that's what I have learned in the 37 years of marriage I have enjoyed, just be honest. If you don't like your guys habits, or him doing them every day then he ain't the one for you.

    Now lying... thats a deal breaker for most, even if it is to make me feel better. Hope the OP comes back to end this arguing amongst us.
    Helpful
    backpack2389's Avatar
    backpack2389 Posts: 255, Reputation: 83
    Full Member
     
    #20

    Jan 1, 2013, 08:57 AM
    I'm not sure what you're exactly upset about regarding your partner's porn use. Does it make you feel less important or loved because he spends so much time with it? Are you worried that he has these fake, idealized sex objects seared into his brain? Does it just make you feel less attractive? I am in agreement with an earlier poster -- WHY are you upset by what he's doing? What harm do you think the daily porn is doing, in and of itself, to your relationship?

    Objectively, his inability to go a day without porn does sound like an addiction. Him lying to keep you around is also a type of dishonesty that could rear its head down the road with more important issues. I do think that if he really doesn't see anything wrong with his porn use that he should plainly tell you he's never going to change and that he will probably look at porn everyday for the rest of his life.

    To dontknownuthin, porn isn't involved in prostitution. It is prostition (money for a sexual performance) but with a camera.
    Helpful (2)

Not your question? Ask your question View similar questions

 

Question Tools Search this Question
Search this Question:

Advanced Search


Check out some similar questions!

My boyfriend watches porn! [ 12 Answers ]

So we've been together 2 years now and recently he told me (He's very honest) that he watches porn, he said he thought I did too but I guess there was a little miscommunication there! After 2 years, the thought did cross my mind a few times but I thought what we had was amazing and that he wouldn't...

My boyfriend watches too much porn [ 4 Answers ]

I've been in a relationship for almost two years now. My significant other in my opinion is addicted to porn. While I don't diagree with watching porn, I feel that too much of it has affected our sexual relationship. He is not a man that I can openly discuss this or any other issue with. He...

Celibate relationship but boyfriend watches porn every day! [ 5 Answers ]

My boyfriend of nearly 2 years hasn't had sex with me for over 6 months. He says its because my 17 yr old son never gives us any privacy as he's always home and my boyfriend finds it offputting. However, we've had a couple of chances when he has been out for the night and he still hasn't made any...

My boyfriend who's is sick watches porn all day no sex life [ 1 Answers ]

I feel terrible the last three or four months my boyfriend has been really sick to the point where he couldn't work for two months (he still has his job) but the doctors are having a hard time figuring it out they finally discovered its something to do with his heart but they haven't quite...

My boyfriend watches porn [ 14 Answers ]

Last night I got angry with my boyfriend because I found out that he not only watches porn, but that he masturbates to it as well. I was really shocked and overreacted. We had joked about him watching porn before, but he always said that when he was masturbating he was looking at pictures of me....


View more questions Search