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    13ecca's Avatar
    13ecca Posts: 63, Reputation: 2
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    #1

    Aug 28, 2014, 01:31 PM
    My boyfriend watches porn
    A few weeks ago, I'm talking the start of July here, I was on my boyfriends phone (I wasn't snooping, he was with me and we were researching tortoises on the internet) I went to open up a new page and saw 2 tabs open with porn on. I was distraught.
    We have a fantastic sex life, we usually have sex 7/8 times a week and it's always very passionate and hot. Anyway we talked about it, he explained how when we don't see each other for two days (monday and tuesday) he gets really horny and usually watches it on a Monday night as a release. I told him how I was uncomfortable with him watching it because it made me feel like I wasn't satisfying him and I that I didn't like the thought of him getting sexual pleasure from watching someone other than myself. I said whenever I'm horny and not with him I think of him to masturbate. He said that he didn't have the imagination to do that and that he was a very visual person, that he never found the porn stars attractive just that seeing the act of sex was a turn on.
    We had a bit of an upset but it was nothing major. I said that there was nothing bad or wrong about it and I'm sure plenty of men still watch it in a relationship, but it did make me feel uncomfortable and I would rather him text me if he's feeling horny and we aren't together and then I could send him a few naughty pictures or sexts.
    We moved on from it and went back to normal.
    A few weeks later we went to Turkey on holiday for 2 weeks. Again I went on his phone (not through snooping, he'd noted down my thumb size and we were about to go shopping for one) I went into his notes and the latest note was a porn site. I confronted him about it and told him how I was very upset that he had been watching porn whilst we were on holiday and having sex 3 times a day. The first thing he said to me was it was from ages ago. I snapped back at him not to lie to me because it had the date it was written next to it (which was the previous day) He then admitted that he did write it down the previous day but that he hadn't used it and it was a note for when he got home for Mondays. I expressed that I was very annoyed that the first thing out of his mouth was a lie and my trust in him has fallen a bit. We talked about it for ages and I told him how it made me feel, he was very apologetic and upset with himself, he then said he would stop watching it.
    Then we come to yesterday. I can't remember how we got talking about it but I told him how I was worried he still used it and whenever we aren't together at night he watches it. I asked him when was the last time he used it and he said he went on it last Thursday. Not only did we see each other, we also had sex that night. Then when he got home, he watched porn. Again, he apologised over and over again.
    I just don't know what to do. I've explained to him many times how it makes me feel. I had low self esteem and confidence before (probably my reason for my dislike of him watching porn) but now it has been knocked to the ground.
    I don't know if he has an addiction or not? I understand that it's probably habit from being single (we are each others firsts and only lost our virginities at 22 and 21) but could he have some kind of addiction?
    Any advice on the situation would be very much appreciated.
    Oliver2011's Avatar
    Oliver2011 Posts: 2,606, Reputation: 746
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    #2

    Aug 28, 2014, 01:41 PM
    Based on what is written...

    Wow. You have a guy that is honest with you, you can talk to about any subject, and that is willing to have sex with you 7 or 8 times a week, and you go off deep end. You are going to make him not be honest with you, not talk to you about any subject, and those two things will definitely impact the 7 or 8 times a week. Is that really what you want? You are taking his porn watching as a personal insult to you. That's not what it's about. From what you wrote he treats you pretty well. But soon the drama you are causing is going to make him rethink that. Is that really what you want?
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,828, Reputation: 5427
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    #3

    Aug 28, 2014, 01:43 PM
    You have the problem (not him). And pushing him into a corner so that he thinks he has to lie to you to stay in your good graces is not something that will help your relationship.

    Our Adult Sexualty expert can explain this far better than I can. I'll PM him to please respond to your post. ***Added*** Ah, and Oliver gave you good advice!
    odinn7's Avatar
    odinn7 Posts: 7,691, Reputation: 1547
    Entomology Expert
     
    #4

    Aug 28, 2014, 01:47 PM
    Yet another one that thinks porn is the end of the world and wants to force her guy not to watch it...

    Fact is, this is pretty normal and he lies about it because he's uneasy with you making a deal out of it when you confront him. If it actually affects your sex life, meaning that he is doing this so much that he doesn't have sex with you anymore, then worry about it. Until that happens, realize that most guys do this and trying to make him stop will make him lie and resent you. I suppose you could always just dump him because you are finding it difficult to control him and make him be the man that you want him to be.

    Also...Nearly EVERYONE that comes here and claims to have found incriminating things on their partners phone or computer, will also claim that it was found while not snooping...pretty much though, if you look, then you get what you find and that's it.
    tickle's Avatar
    tickle Posts: 23,801, Reputation: 2674
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    #5

    Aug 28, 2014, 01:50 PM
    Wow is right. You have an open communication line. You have sex more then most people and he is honest with you.

    LEAVE him alone and enjoy what you have without setting up roadblocks for heavens sake !
    13ecca's Avatar
    13ecca Posts: 63, Reputation: 2
    Junior Member
     
    #6

    Aug 28, 2014, 02:01 PM
    How do I learn to accept it when I am uncomfortable with it?
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
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    #7

    Aug 28, 2014, 02:14 PM
    How do you accept it? Come to the understanding that if you don't accept it... he is going to walk out on you and so is any other guy with an ounce of self respect.

    How do you come to terms with a boss you don't like, a job you don't like, weather you don't like? You understand that these are things that you do not control, that you can not control, and have to accept as they are.

    Self esteme issues are your own to deal with... it isn't the responsibility of others to protect you from facing.

    If you can't feel good about yourself... then nobody on this earth is going to make you feel good about yourself either.

    Also look at it this way. Personal space. If he demanded you put on a pigs nose and a curly pigs tail in your butt, and demanded you squeel like a pig when you are in his house NOT having sex... (I assume there are very, very few women who would which is the reason I picked that)... because it make him feel good about himself... and because he thought you should do it. Well, you would be right in saying that invades your personal space, right? And you would be right if you did. Just as his watching porn on his time is his space and his right to do.

    Same with whatever kind of books you like to read, movies you like to watch, tv shows you like.....would it be appropriate or out of place for him to tell you what you can watch when he's not around? Or for him to sulk around if you looked at any of them anyway? No it wouldn't.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,043, Reputation: 10852
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    #8

    Aug 28, 2014, 02:24 PM
    Don't treat him like a criminal that has committed a high crime for sure. That never works and just opens the door to deception to diffuse the emotion for a while. I don't expect a female to fully understand why guys look at porn, but I would expect a female to NOT make this about her, but to deal with her self esteem issues, and discomforts in a constructive way.

    Could it be a lack of experience dealing with guy flaws and foibles? Or shock at the discovery of those "flaws", or finding out the guy ain't Mr.Perfect. I don't know, but as you get your head wrapped around this do you have to confront instead of discuss? Maybe this is an opportunity to set some boundaries for privacy. Or to set the tone for how you can resolve things in a fair way. Given you have discussed this and FORCED concessions already (a might one sided), maybe you backoff and deal with your own issues of esteem, and self confidence, so you realize its not about you, sex, or an addiction(?), just what he probably has been doing for years before you met.

    I have often wondered why porn was such a big deal, and have concluded if it wasn't porn, it would be something else that upset a female (And us males to be fair), and (S)he would take that as a personal attack of her (fe)maleness, and be insulted. I think the bottomline here is how you handle this, like a tyrant, forcing strict rules of conduct, and punishing bad behavior while ruling with an iron fist, or like a cool, calm, collected committed couple who work through the issues together and resolves them with time.

    I think its all part of a learning process and finding out more about your partner and yourself, and making good adjustments to each other. You both have to do your parts and since you talk often, there is hope for you. That's how you grow together, by learning together. Keep talking and working on yourself,and each other.

    It's a process NOT an event. Get your side in good order before you demand he get his side in order.
    CravenMorhead's Avatar
    CravenMorhead Posts: 4,532, Reputation: 1065
    Adult Sexuality Expert
     
    #9

    Aug 28, 2014, 03:07 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by 13ecca View Post
    How do I learn to accept it when I am uncomfortable with it?
    I am probably going to repeat a bunch of stuff here so bare with me.

    The primary issue that pops out at me, and you said it in your initial post is:
    I had low self esteem and confidence before (probably my reason for my dislike of him watching porn) but now it has been knocked to the ground.
    In conjunction with:
    I told him how I was uncomfortable with him watching it because it made me feel like I wasn't satisfying him and I that I didn't like the thought of him getting sexual pleasure from watching someone other than myself.
    And:
    We have a fantastic sex life, we usually have sex 7/8 times a week and it's always very passionate and hot.
    First off you have a really awesome sex life. He is laying you like a tonne of bricks. He is in to you and is so sexually about it that it is almost sickening. Remember this, he loves you and shows it. You're satisfying him. This is actually on the high end of number of times couples have sex on a weekly basis. More importantly what this should tell is that he likes you, your body, your wobbly bits, cellulite, imperfections, your mind, and your soul. Think about that while considering that he's probably been doing this for all of your relationship. You just found out recently. Blows the mind a little eh? Take a step back and look at your relationship with him. Look at the last few weeks. How he acts around you, your intimate moments, and your sexual lives. Does any of that speak of him not being satisfied?

    The second problem there is that you're relying on a external source for your self-esteem. This is your problem. You're judging yourself based upon what you perceive, not actual, your boyfriend's opinions and thoughts are. You need to base your self-esteem on yourself and not what others think of you. Easier said than done because I struggle with that on a day to day basis. You need to look at yourself and accept yourself. You can't your past judge how you live your life now. This is you. This might require a counsellor to talk to and suggest how you can start to fix this.

    Now the big issue, and this is going to require a little education on your part. Thankfully your boyfriend gave you the cliff notes version of this. A man doesn't masturbate because they're unsatisfied with their partner. They do it because they one to have a private moment and rub one off. It is something that we like to do regardless of the amount of sex that we're getting. It is like having a bubble bath to ourselves. It is a relaxing moment where we can concentrate on ourselves and only ourselves. I don't mean to be harsh but a sexual encounter, while fun and satisfying, is also a lot of work on both parts. You're connected and each is concerning about the pleasure of the other and how things are going and the like. It is a lot of concentrating on your partner and that's fine. Most guys do it and they're not likely to stop at any point.

    The next point is a fundamental one. Men are sensory creatures, mostly visual but the rest of the sense play a part. Your significant other naked for example is very arousing, but you have to realize that it is hard wired so if, at a restaurant, the waitress bends the right way and you get a brief deep cleavage shot than that might arouse use. There isn't anything we can do about it. Now the female arousal cycle is completely different it is more emotional and that's were the problem begins. Both sexes assume that the other gets aroused the way they do. That is why there is a profusion of pictures sent across various forms of social networks. Females tend to believe that men get aroused like that, through their emotional bond. That is completely not the case, but since you think that it hurts emotional when you believe that he's getting emotionally aroused by another woman. Does this make sense to you? This is why romantic comedies or romance novels tend to be arousing for many females. It works on a emotional level.

    Now the porn. This is the seed of fantasy that we use to masturbate. It isn't a desire to have sex with that woman. Trust me in that. My porn collection is so wide and varied and not similar to my wife that she'd think I had a thing for black midgets, or grannies, or.. . well you get the idea. It isn't showing dissatisfaction it is just what tickles our fantasy at the moment. What he did was try to save face in front of you because he didn't want to hurt you. He lied because he was trying to protect your feelings because he knew that you probably wouldn't get all this. It is the fight or flight response.

    So where do you go from here. First off figure out your self-esteem issues and stop requiring others to fix your issues. The second is stop looking and if you find just ignore it. It isn't your business frankly. Just ignore it and continue on with life. It isn't an addiction and it wasn't an issue until you found out about it. It isn't a bad thing, it is just a male thing.
    Luck0rN0t's Avatar
    Luck0rN0t Posts: 263, Reputation: 45
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    #10

    Sep 27, 2014, 11:07 PM
    Instead of flat out disliking him watching porn, why not ask if you can watch it with him and watch him get off doing it... include yourself, rather than reprimanding him for something he enjoys. Don't like watching the porn? Watch him... masturbate while you watch him getting himself off. Encourage him to share and explore his own sexuality. He's a guy, he's going to watch porn. If you make it OK, and make him feel comfortable sharing this sexual experience, maybe it will enhance your sex life together. Porn is not about you. At all. Don't try to make it about you.
    spacysacystacyp's Avatar
    spacysacystacyp Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #11

    Oct 24, 2014, 05:42 AM
    If you can't beat them, join them! That's my philosophy! Ever since I decided to start enjoying porn myself I stopped getting jealous when my man watches it. I enjoy it so why shouldn't he.
    Kresaera's Avatar
    Kresaera Posts: 10, Reputation: 3
    New Member
     
    #12

    Nov 8, 2014, 12:29 PM
    First of all, he is a man, most men watch porn (probably all but some won't admit it, be lucky you found one that will admit it). They don't watch it because they like it better than you, they watch it because it's sex. As for an addiction? I don't think he has a porn addiction. As for people telling you to just get over it and deal with it, I don't think that's fair to you. If something makes you uncomfortable, you shouldn't have to be subjected to it. A significant other watching porn isn't the same as an boss imo. Since you seem to have great communication and can talk about anything with him, try to work out a compromise. Something like, if you're around and he gets horny, he comes to you instead of the porn. From what you've written, you seem to have a great man on your hands, don't let a little bit of porn once a week ruin that. I only have a problem with porn if it interferes in my relationship with my husband, such as our sex life suffers because he's jerkin it to porn every day. If it's just a filler for him when I'm not available, be my guest.

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