Hi;
Hope you can offer some help, we are a mature couple in our early forties,( I'm not quite there yet) and have been together for 2 years. At first the sex was great and we couldn't get enough of each other. Now I feel that I'm in a relationship with my brother, although he loves me, holds my hand, kisses and hugs me etc, the bedroom is off limits, we only make love on average once a month now. He is very stressed with work, money and health problems at the moment, all heightened by the fact that he is a very overdramatic person and makes all problems ten times worse for himself, he is now convinced that he is not going to live very long , not surprisingly if he carries on like this ! He gets quite nasty and angry at times so I just deal with it and try to keep things on an even keel. This weekend all things came to a head when he got very drunk and we ended up at a gentlemen's club, I find them quite fascinating and women were allowed in so I thought why not. At first we were having a nice time watching the pole dancing and then he asked me if I wanted a private dance, I declined the offer and then he got up , picked a young blonde and went with her to one of the rooms ! I was quite upset but I didn't let it show , not really about the dance, by the fact that he hasn't touched me for a month but then paid a girl young enough to be his daughter to girate naked on his lap for 5 minutes ! The next day I couldn't really hide my feelings and he forced me to tell him why I was so down, I didn't want to because I knew it would do no good but I caved in , he said he couldn't remember the dance and made some unfunny quip about him liking young blondes to which I replied that I couldn't compete with that and I wouldn't want to either,( I am actually slim , dark haired ,people say very attractive and 6 yrs younger than him, obviously not enough going for me there then !) He then went into ' dramatic mode'and said he was going home and he hasn't been in touch for the whole of today,and probably now for the rest of the week, which he does every few months when we have a relationship talk, usually about his nasty attitude or the lack of sex.

Now I'm not sure whether I want to rekindle things, I feel the sex thing will always be an issue and if he's not willing try or even talk about things , what's the point? Also I don't really feel I can trust him anymore, we love each other but it seems like it's all just too difficult.

Any advice please ?

Yup.

HE won't communicate, and he makes it all about himself.

YOU don't trust him or really like him anymore.

My advice is this: Go see a good divorce lawyer while he's out of town and playing the silent treatment game (god, I thought people got over that after high school).

Why put up with him? He is not fulfilling your most basic needs and I believe that you have the right to go out there and find someone else. He doesn't seem to be attracted to you and is very distant, so go find someone who actually WANTS you?

Good Luck,
Javi

I think he's the boyfriend, not the husband.

Would I put up with his behavior? No.

Why do you?

I see a lot of bad in this guy, a lot of you backing down and apologizing for whatever he deems is wrong. Now he disappears to punish you?

Run, run, run.

I will add, does he have performance issues, stress, medication conditions, if he has failed to perform then he may actually stop trying, since he is scared of failure again..

Also where you there for the lap dance. And you had no problem with him going in, ( you went) There should have been no real touching just a "in the mind"

I have a personal issue with the entire club issue, but unless there was limits set before you went in, or something said when there, I can't see why it was a issue latter.

Thanks Chuck,

I don't really think it was the dance that bothered me, it was more the fact that my boyfriend paid a young attractive girl to do it for him rather than be intimate with me, he hasn't wanted sex with me for over a month and it's been like this for a while now. He says he fancies me but he is a very selfish man in lots of ways and he only ever wants sex when he feels in the mood, never when I want it. He's had some health issues which I understand will make his sex drive low so I rarely say anything now, plus I feel like I'm begging for it which makes me feel awful.We had a talk a few months ago but he refuses to see the doctor about anything and told me if I'm not happy I should leave him and start seeing someone else. I love him and I know he loves me ,every week he asks me not to leave him and tells me I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him, but if I am why doesn't he make more of an effort to save the relationship ? Is it just stubbornness or arrogance ?

What are his good points? I'm still not seeing any.

First off he sounds like with his behavior and attitude; you need to leave him... everybody is better off with one less donnie downer in their life. You seem like the kind of person who wants a fun but respectful person who knows how to meet your needs and vice-versa.

Second, you can't get mad at him for going to get a lap dance if you approved to go to the strip club to begin with. You have to set boundaries in a relationship. Don't confuse that with control because it's not control when you don't feel comfortable or that your morals oppose certain behavior or actions (cheating, porn addictions, strip clubs) That's my opinion, but don't complain about something you had control over. It seems you are trying to hold him accountable for his actions which is good, but at the same time you have no leg to stand on because you allowed it.

Third, if he's just your boyfriend and the sex life is dwindling... what makes you think it would change if he was your husband? (if you were considering taking another step in the relationship that is)

True Judy, he doesn't have many. As expected he hasn't been in touch now for 2 days, he'll be waiting for me to go crawling to him no doubt or he'll start texting when he thinks I've been 'punished' enough !

I'm upset with how things have turned out but I've been keeping busy, it's hard as we spend every day together normally but I feel surprisingly strong and very calm, which I haven't felt for a while.

Many thanks to all of you, it's helped a lot to tell someone .

Shelly perhaps he is really embarrassed about it or else he just has no interest in sex with you. I'm sure the latter is a hard pill to swallow or hard to think about. On the other hand, it has been scientifically proven that a woman's sex drive increases with age while a man's decreases. But then again, I think it also depends on the person. Either way, I would figure out what you want out of a relationship (don't take this the wrong way but you are at an age where your experiences deem you worthy of the best relationship you can have) and if your boyfriend doesn't fit your criteria, give him the boot. And yes I said criteria. I don't know about you but people are deceived/blinded a lot when it comes to relationships so it's only fair to lay out what you want out of a relationship and the kind of qualities you want in a person. Pull a Santa; make a list and check it twice. You know the rest. :)

My concern for you is that he sounds very, very controlling - and when you don't agree with him, have an argument, he goes underground. Sounds like he's the father and you're the child.

You express yourself well; you know yourself well; you come across as very likeable.

I question whether he is the best choice for you. Of course, only you know that. I was widowed and I am well aware that it's a big frightening dating world out there.

Is that your fear?

Hi Judy,

You've hit the nail on the head. I was befriended by this man while I was in a bad relationship with a partner of 20 yrs who became an alcoholic. We had met when I was just 16, fell in love and had 2 lovely children together but things started go horribly wrong when he began heavily drinking.I put up with it for 4 very long years . I wanted to leave him but was terrified of the prospect of having to go it alone, upsetting the children and the families etc. so I stayed.
I watched my partner die of stomach cancer a year and a half ago, he refused to go into hospital because he wouldn't have access to vodka, he had a bed set up in the living room so myself and the children witnessed his demise minute by minute.

My boyfriend was there to pick up the pieces and I suppose he got me through it, but at a price, it seems.

You are quite right ,I have NEVER had any experience of dating and it is a scary prospect for me, I really wouldn't have a clue where to start.
I've thought things over many times over the past year and I am quite sure that I have been clinging on to this very unsuitable man through fear of being lonely .

As for the controlling thing, he is, and plays the 'father role' on a regular basis. I even asked him once if he thought of me as his daughter and if that's why he didn't want sex with me !

Shelly, it sounds to me like you're with him only because you're afraid to be alone. If that's the case, that's not a good reason to keep putting up with his behavior.

Are you sure you're in love with him, or do you love the fact that he was there for you when you needed him?

Obviously you're not happy. If you were you wouldn't have come here for advice. That speaks volumes.

I understand the fear of being alone, but that shouldn't meant that you have to settle, and I think that's what you're doing.

Personally, I wouldn't make contact with him. I'd consider the last contact, his hissy fit, leaving, to be the end of the relationship. If you want you can call him to let him know that you're done, that this was the last straw. Otherwise, just move on and find someone that you can love completely. Someone that fulfills you, not someone whose love you question.

Sometimes being alone is much better then being with someone you constantly battle with.

ERROR: You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to JudyKayTee again.

Judy and Alty covered this very well I think .

He does sound like he is more of a father figure than partner.
And a controlling person will keep pushing for more and more control. It is not a static thing.

I would question being with anyone who drinks until they can't remember what they have done , or says that is what happened when confronted with their actions. In my opinion that makes them a dangerous drunk and/or a liar.

I get the feeling you want more than he is able or willing to give to the relationship.
And knowing how hard it is to do , especially after what you experienced in the past, my advice also is to break it off and take time to date and experience several people and draw a knowledge base to draw off before committing to anyone else.

Shelly, sometimes a bad choice is better than no choice for that moment in your life. Then your life changes, you move on, that bad choice is NOT better than no choice. You see your situation through very clear eyes.

I was widowed - watching someone die stays with you for a very long time. I'm sure some of your decisions are still governed by that experience, that loss.

Just to give yourself some peace, to help you through this particular situation, have you thought of a support group of some sort? Do you have friends you can talk to, go out with?

I think you need to heal yourself. I don't think you necessarily need to stop seeing this particular man. I think you have to get strong enough that he can't emotionally hurt you. Take the relationship for what it is, don't count on it for tomorrow.

I wouldn't take big giant steps like dumping him until you are ready to do so. Let this relationship be a sort of crutch until you are ready to get out "there" on your own.

How does that sound? Would that work for you?

Hi Shelly,

I agree with what you have said, having had plenty of time to think these past few days I have made some decisions about what to do next. Firstly I am going to devote more time to looking after me and as you say maybe a support group or confide in friends, which I don't normally do(I'm always pretending everthing's ok), also I am going to leave him to make the first move, he will probably come in the pub ( I am a pub landlady ) with some of his pals this evening. I will be polite and speak to him and give him an opportunity to say something about what happened later on when everyone has gone, if he blanks me or says nothing I will take it that he just isn't interested in saving 'us'.If he does want to work on the relationship, and I know how difficult it would be for him to ask for that, then I will give him one very last chance and that's it.
To be honest Judy I feel strong at the moment and I am scared of the future and of being alone but also ready to face it , if I have to. Without being too negative I doubt he will try, he's too proud and stubborn for that but I could be wrong.
I'll let you know how it goes

Shelly, I had moments was I was beyond scared, approaching terrified. The future (when you've suffered a loss, particularly) is a scary place. I had my whole life planned out and then... boom!

Remember - your time frame, your pace.

And please let us know how you are.

Thanks Judy, I will

Just to let you know how things went, he didn't come in the pub last night but unfortunately a parcel came to my address for him today. I sent a brief text to tell him and he sent one back to say he would pick it up later. I thought it could be an opportunity for us to have a chat, if he wanted to.
He turned up , came into the flat, ranted that he had 'called to tell me that he was on his way and that I hadn't answered my phone as usual', asked for his parcel and left.
I really thought that I had meant something to him, he told me often enough how much he loved me but now I see that he didn't, I think in the back of my mind I always knew he would let me down eventually, his relationship history isn't very good.
So now I have to make a fresh start, I think I'm going to stay away from men for a while. Get used to being on my own and join a few internet dating sites when I feel ready, see where life takes me, it can't get much worse !
Thank you to all of you for the advice, I've needed some support this week and you've really helped me.
Many thanks , Shelly

Before you beat yourself up I'm not sure that he never loved you, doesn't love you. Sounds like he lashes out.

My experience has always been when I said, "This is it. I'm finished dating for a while," someone came into my life. It's when you're not looking that you find someone - and the other way around.

I'll be you hear from "him" with some sort of explanation for his bad behavior.

And, again, PLEASE stick around. The relationship boards often need fresh eyes, a fresh outlook, and you can very well help someone else.