Ask Experts Questions for FREE Help !
Ask
    w0ndering's Avatar
    w0ndering Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #1

    Jul 23, 2007, 11:49 AM
    My boyfriend masturbates instead of having sex with me
    My question is actually two-fold and has been asked in other threads, but I don't feel that my situation has really been covered. My boyfriend and I have been together for about 8 months and have been sexually intimate from the beginning. However, he has never been able to achieve an orgasm while inside of me. He has always said that it was because of an intense fear of getting me pregnant, and he has been able to get off from oral sex.

    About three months ago he had a vasectomy, so now there is no possibility of pregnancy, and he still has the same problem.

    In addition to this, he has lived alone for about 10 years and always masturbated about 3 or 4 times per day. Now we are living together (for about a month), and I understand that this must be a HUGE adjustment for him. Lately, we haven't been having sex as much, and I wondered if he was masturbating instead of having sex with me. So, I spoke with him about it (after I walked in on him :p which probably wasn't the best time). He said that he felt that we were intimate all of the time. He said that we kiss, and hug, and cuddle... which we do... a lot. He is VERY affectionate for a guy. I told him that I needed more than that, and wanted to be sexually intimate more often. I told him that I was afraid that he was masturbating instead of having sex with me, and that I didn't want that to happen. I understand that he is going to masturbate, I don't care about that... I just don't want it to be the only way that he get off.

    So, I have the two issues, and I am wondering if they are related: he isn't able to get off while inside of me, and we aren't as sexually intimate as we used to be (I may have handled this one... I don't know yet). What do you think about this?

    I appreciate your input.
    statictable's Avatar
    statictable Posts: 436, Reputation: 34
    Full Member
     
    #2

    Jul 23, 2007, 12:15 PM
    Due to past history there is a real need for a major adjustment in his behavior. Perhaps a therapist would be best at this time. Are you able to use your hand or does he need privacy? Good luck.
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
    Uber Member
     
    #3

    Jul 23, 2007, 12:40 PM
    Not normal behavior... I'd rather get off by any method possible with a woman... basically in any of the three orifices with manual by her the least preferred. Doing the job myself when the wife is available has never crossed my mind nor is desired by me. If I spent time spanking the monkey instead of with her she would be rightfully upset as well.

    OH, and from a mans perspective... there is NO adjustment period of doing it with a woman after years of living alone. Trust me in the Rosy Palmer is the least desired method for most guys.
    w0ndering's Avatar
    w0ndering Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #4

    Jul 23, 2007, 01:27 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by statictable
    Due to past history there is a real need for a major adjustment in his behavior. Perhaps a therapist would be best at this time.
    I have thought about a therapist, but am not sure about how to approach the subject with him.

    Quote Originally Posted by statictable
    Are you able to use your hand or does he need privacy? Good luck.
    He is only able to get off with me from oral sex... I have tried using my hand, but haven't had much luck and have moved quickly on to what I know works.

    After reading another thread, I realize that I may need to add another piece of information. He takes medications for depression. I understand that this may cause some sexual problems... but wouldn't he have the problems with masturbation too?
    Xrayman's Avatar
    Xrayman Posts: 1,177, Reputation: 193
    Ultra Member
     
    #5

    Jul 23, 2007, 07:01 PM
    The medication could have a negative effect that may not be evident with masturbating i.e. will not affect the erection.
    statictable's Avatar
    statictable Posts: 436, Reputation: 34
    Full Member
     
    #6

    Jul 24, 2007, 11:20 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by w0ndering
    My question is actually two-fold and has been asked in other threads, but I don't feel that my situation has really been covered. My boyfriend and I have been together for about 8 months and have been sexually intimate from the beginning. However, he has never been able to achieve an orgasm while inside of me. He has always said that it was because of an intense fear of getting me pregnant, and he has been able to get off from oral sex.

    About three months ago he had a vasectomy, so now there is no possibility of pregnancy, and he still has the same problem.

    In addition to this, he has lived alone for about 10 years and always masturbated about 3 or 4 times per day. Now we are living together (for about a month), and I understand that this must be a HUGE adjustment for him. Lately, we haven't been having sex as much, and I wondered if he was masturbating instead of having sex with me. So, I spoke with him about it (after I walked in on him :p which probably wasn't the best time). He said that he felt that we were intimate all of the time. He said that we kiss, and hug, and cuddle...which we do...a lot. He is VERY affectionate for a guy. I told him that I needed more than that, and wanted to be sexually intimate more often. I told him that I was afraid that he was masturbating instead of having sex with me, and that I didn't want that to happen. I understand that he is going to masturbate, I don't care about that...I just don't want it to be the only way that he get off.

    So, I have the two issues, and I am wondering if they are related: he isn't able to get off while inside of me, and we aren't as sexually intimate as we used to be (I may have handled this one...I don't know yet). What do you think about this?

    I appreciate your input.
    Have your husband discuss issues with the person who wrote the script for the antidep's. The major drugs in this category may assist in treating the depression but could modify his response to typical stimuli. This is going to take some time, not weeks or months but longer and you both need to talk about your expectations and concerns as well as his and come to grips with a real plan which includes a therapist, MD and/or etc. In these cases many people rely on friends and family for input but that may be skewed and make things far worse than they are. Good luck.
    Grayfox's Avatar
    Grayfox Posts: 129, Reputation: 23
    Junior Member
     
    #7

    Jul 24, 2007, 08:33 PM
    When he masturbates does he look at something, because that could be contributing to the problem... some guys get off more to oral sex then sex alone... it can be more of a mental thing than an actual physical one. The idea of a woman, her mouth, and her being in complete control could be extremely erotic to him. Maybe he masturbates because he can enter that mental state along with what he is watching or looking at and gets off more to the concepts he sees or imagines rather than the actual feelings. It can seriously vary from guy to guy... so if I were you id make sure porn was out of the relationship... that just messes them up, maybe you should try different positions with sex or participate in it in a way that is more mentally pleasing to him... its worth a shot...
    jainaproudmore123's Avatar
    jainaproudmore123 Posts: 10, Reputation: -4
    New Member
     
    #8

    Jul 25, 2007, 12:35 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by w0ndering
    My question is actually two-fold and has been asked in other threads, but I don't feel that my situation has really been covered. My boyfriend and I have been together for about 8 months and have been sexually intimate from the beginning. However, he has never been able to achieve an orgasm while inside of me. He has always said that it was because of an intense fear of getting me pregnant, and he has been able to get off from oral sex.

    About three months ago he had a vasectomy, so now there is no possibility of pregnancy, and he still has the same problem.

    In addition to this, he has lived alone for about 10 years and always masturbated about 3 or 4 times per day. Now we are living together (for about a month), and I understand that this must be a HUGE adjustment for him. Lately, we haven't been having sex as much, and I wondered if he was masturbating instead of having sex with me. So, I spoke with him about it (after I walked in on him :p which probably wasn't the best time). He said that he felt that we were intimate all of the time. He said that we kiss, and hug, and cuddle...which we do...a lot. He is VERY affectionate for a guy. I told him that I needed more than that, and wanted to be sexually intimate more often. I told him that I was afraid that he was masturbating instead of having sex with me, and that I didn't want that to happen. I understand that he is going to masturbate, I don't care about that...I just don't want it to be the only way that he get off.

    So, I have the two issues, and I am wondering if they are related: he isn't able to get off while inside of me, and we aren't as sexually intimate as we used to be (I may have handled this one...I don't know yet). What do you think about this?

    I appreciate your input.
    In my opinion, I wonder if he really loves you. I didn't mean anything but from what you say it shows that he love his own body more than he love you. You see guys sometimes if we girls didn't show them some power, it seems that they will just ignore us. Try one day where it is cold and silent, try ask him directly whether he loves you or not. Then try scare him by telling him that you already have another lover out there and about to have sex with him but rejected it because you still remember him in your heart. Be creative when you say that and see what is his reaction. If he doesn't seem trouble at all maybe he knew that you are lying or maybe he doesn't love you. Or maybe this way, while he was masturbating find your way to get to him with yourself naked and start having it with him. Some guys can't control themselves while they are erected and with that fantacy in their head. This is what I call ambush. Good luck. I'm Jaina by the way.
    w0ndering's Avatar
    w0ndering Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #9

    Jul 28, 2007, 07:27 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Grayfox
    When he masturbates does he look at something, because that could be contributing to the problem...some guys get off more to oral sex then sex alone...it can be more of a mental thing than an actual physical one. The idea of a woman, her mouth, and her being in complete control could be extremely erotic to him. Maybe he masturbates because he can enter that mental state along with what he is watching or looking at and gets off more to the concepts he sees or imagines rather than the actual feelings. It can seriously vary from guy to guy...so if i were you id make sure porn was out of the relationship....that just messes them up, maybe you should try different positions with sex or participate in it in a way that is more mentally pleasing to him...its worth a shot...
    Yes, sometimes when he masturbates he looks at porn; however, it isn't always necessary for him to get off. I can understand what you are saying about oral sex and porn and the mental state that these put him in. There is no way that I would ask him to get rid of the porn... I just think that would be inviting more problems... how could I ask him to get rid of something that helps him get off, plus, I don't mind him having, viewing or enjoying the porn... I enjoy the porn ;) I think that if I asked him to get rid of it he would feel forced to view it on the internet in secret, and this is not what I want... I want him to feel as if he can share this with me and keep it in the open.

    As for Jaina's response... yes, he really loves me... of this I am absolutely sure. He tells me and shows me in every way... just not the way that I would like sexually.

    Update: I looked into his depression medications. They are not known to have sexual side-effects.

    Another update: Since I spoke with him (after walking in when he was masturbating), he hasn't initiated sex. This was only a week ago, so I am not too upset. I have given him oral sex twice since then, but haven't gotten anything in return:( I don't think that sex has to be a check and balance system, but I'd like to get my jollies once in a while ;)

    So, I'm not sure if anyone has any other advice, but I just wanted to respond and update. I'll let you know if anything else happens.

    Thanks.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,108, Reputation: 10852
    Expert
     
    #10

    Jul 28, 2007, 08:17 AM
    He sounds more lazy and inconsiderate than dysfunctional. Next time you give him oral, stop short and jump on top, and get your rocks off. If he is going to let you do all the work, you may as well get your too. Most sex problems between healthy adults stem from a lack of communication, or unresolved issues in other areas of your lives,
    I looked into his depression medications. They are not known to have sexual side-effects.
    And the medication angle can not be counted out except by a physician, and this should be explored first and eliminated before anything else.
    Since I spoke with him (after walking in when he was masturbating), he hasn't initiated sex
    Curious if he may be embarrassed or ashamed of being caught. I don't think it a coincidence his initiating sex has stopped, after being discovered. Just as an observation, sometimes in our frustrations we miss key signals out partners send out, not overt, but subtle. Pay very close attention to his actions, to see if you can pick up something you have missed, or he may be pushing to the background. It could be a simple as fear of having babies, or to many work hours, or inadequate experience with females to just being a selfish SOB. Note what has changed, and has he always been this way?
    w0ndering's Avatar
    w0ndering Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #11

    Jul 28, 2007, 08:46 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman
    Curious if he may be embarrassed or ashamed of being caught. I don't think it a coincidence his initiating sex has stopped, after being discovered. Just as an observation, sometimes in our frustrations we miss key signals out partners send out, not overt, but subtle. Pay very close attention to his actions, to see if you can pick up something you have missed, or he may be pushing to the background. It could be a simple as fear of having babies, or to many work hours, or inadequate experience with females to just being a selfish SOB. Note what has changed, and has he always been this way?
    He was VERY EMBARRASSED! I don't really understand why. He knows that I know he does it. I've had him do it in front of me before (this was a first for him). He knows that I do it. He has talked about it very openly in the past. I guess that being discovered was just different? He also told me that he has never had anyone walk in on him before, so I can see that maybe this was a bigger deal than I thought.

    The fear of having babies was a HUGE concern for him. Apparently his father put the fear of death in him about it when he was growing up. He claimed that this was the cause of his lack of ability to keep an erection during regular sex in the beginning of our relationship. But, as I said before, he had a vasectomy, and this is no longer a concern. Things were getting a bit better after that... he could stay hard longer, and he was able to achieve orgasm faster during oral sex (it used to take forever... thank god I have patience and a forgiving jaw;) ) But lately things have gone downhill.

    I guess that it could also be the stress of moving in together. I know that packing up a place he has lived in for 10 years was difficult for him, and was not something that he went into lightly. I think that I will use some of my patience to wait this out a bit longer. See if things improve or if I can pick up on something. If not, I will have to bring up the subject again.

    Oh, and I'll try that "jumping on top, and getting my rocks off" idea too :)

    Thanks talaniman!
    lolablue's Avatar
    lolablue Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #12

    Mar 30, 2012, 09:32 AM
    I have a similar situation... almost exact, with the exception that my finance is an alcoholic... more of a binge alcoholic. He can go for a while without drinking, but when he starts he doesn't want to stop until he's on the verge of passing out. We have not made love in... hell... I can't even remember the last time we made love. He swears he does love me and he is becoming more affectionate than he used to be with hugs, kisses, taps on my , and more playful, but when it comes to sex... vaginal, oral, or otherwise... he just doesn't seem to be too interested. Yesterday, I came home from work early to find him watching porn on the TV and looking for something on the internet... pants undone, so I'm not sure if he just getting started, or just getting finished. I asked him if I interrupted him, and he said no, that he hadn't started yet. I embraced him asked him if he needed a hand... being coy, he just looked at me, gave me a kiss and turned everything off. I was kind of excited because I thought that I may be able to get me some, now that he had a new "movie" in his head. Guess not. :-( Now, I don't mind watching a bit of porn now and then. I think that it can be both stimulating and educational, at times. I asked him why he turned it off, but by then, he was on the verge of taking a nap.
    I have questioned him on why he doesn't want to have sex, he says that he doesn't need it. Now... I have never met a man in my life that doesn't NEED sex. EVER! I asked him if he was attracted to me... he said yes... I love you. I'm just so baffled by the whole thing... and, both fortunately and unfortunately, I am relieved to know that it is just not happening to me.

Not your question? Ask your question View similar questions

 

Question Tools Search this Question
Search this Question:

Advanced Search


Check out some similar questions!

My boyfriend doesn't want to have sex with me [ 13 Answers ]

I am 22, my boyfriend is 27. We have been best mates for a couple of years and in February this year got together, we moved in quite in about May time. When we weren't together we were having sex quite a lot, but when we got together it all kind of stopped. Throughout the summer it started getting...

8 year old daughter who masturbates [ 13 Answers ]

Hi, I have a little girl that has such a problem with this that I am at my wits end. See she doesn't care where she is she does it anywhere. I guess it would not be so bad if she knew to do this in private only. So I don't no how to handle this situation anymore. The doctors have put her on...

My boyfriend doesn't want sex as much as me. [ 20 Answers ]

This is kind of embarrassing to post, but my boyfriend doesn't want sex as much as I do. It's great when we do it, but it's a problem just getting him IN the mood. I mean, we normally have sex once every one to two days, but that's not really enough for me, and if I want to go again immediately...

Me boyfriend never wants to have sex! [ 23 Answers ]

We have been together for about 1 year and a half almost. Around the 10th month mark... he seemed to have lost the drive, and I have a high sex drive. I wouldn't mind it every day. But it slowly stopped. Tomorrow will be a month since we've had sex. I have tried numerous times to talk to him about...


View more questions Search