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    bzcharlotte's Avatar
    bzcharlotte Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Oct 13, 2015, 03:41 PM
    Boyfriend likes wearing girl clothes- how do I learn to accept this?
    A little back story. Shortly after starting our relationship he wanted me to finger his butt; it was off-putting but I try to be open with sexual things. He liked it... a lot. But I know that it's pretty normal in men to enjoy this so I've worked with him and do it when he asks even though it's a turn-off for me. Not too long after he first asked that we were drunk one night and he asked to wear one of my bras and a skirt while we were "getting busy". I went with it; doesn't hurt to try. I'm really not into it but I can see that he is. I know he's embarrassed though, cause the next day he acted completely different than normal. The dressing up stopped for a long time, but the butt-play continued. Fast forward almost 7 months; surprise pregnancy has happened and we've moved in together. He hasn't drank in a long time because he didn't want to do it around me when I can't. 2 nights ago he came into our room where I was laying down trying to get some sleep( I work mornings and he works nights) I could smell the vodka in his breath. He just lays down and tells me; "I like to wear... "other" clothes" I just responded with an "okay". He left the room and came back about 10 minutes later and started feeling up on me and obviously wanting to get some. I went with it, feeling kind of bad cause our sex life had been lacking lately due to pregnancy side effects and all that. During the "do" he grabs my hand and puts it up his shirt and he's wearing a bra(he went out and bought his own bra this time). I go with it, trying to be supportive. But it starts ruining it for me, just a total turn-off. I tell him I'm feeling sore and to stop, so he gets up and finishes himself next to me. I went to bed with tears in my eyes cause I just don't know what to do. Next night he gets off work kind of late and tells me he's going to stay up; maybe drink a little. I'm a little upset but let him do his thing and I lay down for bed. Awhile later he comes into our room(its dark and he doesn't realize I'm still awake) He's wearing his bra and grabs his lotion and leaves. I can hear him in the other room masturbating. I got up and shut our bedroom door and just tried to sleep; with no luck. Later he comes and lays in bed next to me, he lightly picks up my hand and places it on his right breast and he's still wearing his bra. I just lay still, pretending to be asleep to see what he's planning to do. A moment passes and he moves my hand to his butt cheek and leaves it there. I move my hand to his arm and kind of lightly pat it and then place my arm back to my side. I fall asleep once again with tears in my eyes.

    He's told me some things about his childhood that he has done and such, and honestly this isn't that much of a surprise. I really want to be supportive. As of right now it's just kind of a sex/kink thing and I want to be able to let him be him but it's just such a turn-off for me. I just don't see any good way this can turn out. Because I'm not interested in sex with him while he's wearing bras and such, and he's obviously very into it. Either this is going to end with us resenting each other over lack of a sex life, or I feel he could figure out his sexuality is something other than straight. With a child on the way and just recently signing a year lease with him I am feeling terrified.

    Should I just suck it up and give in to his fantasies even when they are a turn-off? I'm hopelessly lost.
    bzcharlotte's Avatar
    bzcharlotte Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #2

    Oct 13, 2015, 04:04 PM
    Also, I should add that he has confessed to me that he wants to have "womanly breasts" and he's looked up breast enlargement things on the internet.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,919, Reputation: 10852
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    #3

    Oct 13, 2015, 04:34 PM
    I think you are in over your head, but admire you being open minded enough to try and having the foresight to see where this is headed...

    I really want to be supportive. As of right now it's just kind of a sex/kink thing and I want to be able to let him be him but it's just such a turn-off for me. I just don't see any good way this can turn out. Because I'm not interested in sex with him while he's wearing bras and such, and he's obviously very into it. Either this is going to end with us resenting each other over lack of a sex life, or I feel he could figure out his sexuality is something other than straight.
    Time to be honest and set some boundaries about how far he can take his fantasies. Honest communications is the key to resolving issues... if they are to be resolved at all. Especially as you get close to your time, as being pregnant is enough stress all by itself. I know many females who are turned off their partner during this time and that may also be at play here but unless you are honest about your feelings resentment will grow to hatred, and that's no good.

    He should at least be willing to listen and meet you halfway don't you think? Plus I think he knows his sexuality already and wants to express it.

    TALK ABOUT IT.
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,318, Reputation: 5972
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    #4

    Oct 13, 2015, 05:20 PM
    The thing about sex is that kink is fine, experimenting is fine, anything is fine, as long as both people are okay with it and into it.

    Why haven't you told him that him wearing a bra while he's trying to seduce you, is a major turn off for you? That's not being unsupportive, that's being honest.

    Any good relationship requires communication, especially in the bedroom. There will be things you like that he doesn't, and things he likes that you don't. Instead of doing it to please him or be supportive, and then crying yourself to sleep, talk to him about it. Just because he likes it, doesn't mean you have to accept it when you're intimate with each other. If he wants to wear a bra during the day, that's his prerogative, his choice, and his right, but that doesn't mean that you have to accept him wearing it when you're having sex, or during foreplay. Same with the butt play.

    Until you talk to him about this, and how you feel, you're allowing yourself to feel like crap. If this relationship is going to last you have to start being honest with him.
    dontknownuthin's Avatar
    dontknownuthin Posts: 2,910, Reputation: 751
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    #5

    Oct 13, 2015, 06:48 PM
    I think that if you weren't pregnant, this would be a deal breaker for you. Your boyfriend is a cross dresser at the very least, and given his interest in enlarging his breasts he is probably transgender and wants to be a woman. So unless you want to have sex with someone who identifies as and wants to be a woman, you need to end the dating relationship with him.

    I think you should shift to a roommate relationship until one of you can move, and work on shifting from a romantic relationship to coming up with a co-parenting arrangement. You should probably see an attorney to learn what you can do to ensure that you receive child support, and work out a legal parenting agreement between the two of you.

    It's great to be understanding of other people, but not to the point where you are manipulated by circumstances into uncomfortable sexual circumstances that upset you and make you cry. Being sexually compatible is really important in a relationship, and it's best to just recognize that you are not compatible. You understandably want to be the girl in the relationship, and for your boyfriend to be all man and satisfied to be a man. I understand. I am compassionate to transgender people but could never date one.

    Other people don't need to know the issue, but you are aware of it and can treat him with dignity but also let him know, "I respect that this is what you are into and what you need and how you identify, but it imakes me terribly uncomfortable. I think asking me to live with this is about the same as asking you to live without it. I can't do it. I want to talk to you about how we can work together to raise our child, without being together as a couple". You might want to go to family counseling before the baby is born so you can work through whatever issues and hurt you each might feel so that you can resolve it before the child is born, and then move forward and parent cooperatively, hopefully as friends.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,280, Reputation: 7690
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    #6

    Oct 13, 2015, 11:06 PM
    The first and major issue, is that he was not totally honest about how much he likes certain things, and you were not honest about not liking them.

    Then pregnancy.

    You both need to talk, when he is not drunk.
    And see if there can be some compromise as to taking turns with sex to suit both of your needs.
    That is compromise, you giving in to all of his desires, is not compromise, Saying that certain things happen different times and going with that, is agreement.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,919, Reputation: 10852
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    #7

    Oct 14, 2015, 05:27 AM
    Bringing a healthy child into the world takes priority over whatever needs your partner has by far!

    No excuse for him not knowing that! ​It should be ALL about you... NOT HIM!

    Tell him that.
    CravenMorhead's Avatar
    CravenMorhead Posts: 4,532, Reputation: 1065
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    #8

    Oct 14, 2015, 08:02 AM
    It has been hinted here, but I should probably emphasize it. A good sex life starts with good communication. A lot of it isn't up front because people are ashamed of their kinks. They tend to blind side the partner a good ways into the relationship when both are comfortable. Imagine that in a speed dating, "Hi I am tim, I like dressing as a girl and getting my butt diddled during sex, how about you?" I bet he'd not find many people had checked his name. Kinks are personal things and it takes a great amount of trust to share them. This is a good thing. The problem is that the communication is going one direction.

    It is a good exercise her to look at this from his angle. You've been supported and haven't denied or said no to anything. You've not voiced your displeasure. You've not shut him down in a way that he noticed. So for all intents and purposes you gave him the green light to experience all his kinks and he's like a kid in a candy store. He believes you're as into this as you are and have jump in no reservations at all.

    To break it down, he's at fault for pushing and rushing this all on you. You're at fault for not talking to him and telling him no.

    There are two ways you can deal with this depending on how much work you want to put into this.
    1). The easy way out. Kick him out and raise your kid with joint custody. Find someone whose kinks you can deal with. Raise kid. Eat ice cream.
    2). Talk to him. Give him boundaries. You need to tell him that you're uncomfortable with the cross dressing thing. You need to tell him about YOUR needs. You need to tell him that you just want vanilla sex. The key here is that you need to talk to him. You've been beautifully open minded but you don't have to have him dressed up as a girl every time you bump uglies. You can make that a special occasion thing. On his birthday he can dress up like a woman and do you. This is going to be several conversations over a couple weeks. You have to be honest with him but not accusatory. This might cause the relationship to blow up in your face.

    The take home message is that you're need to communicate your sexual needs instead of just giving in to his.
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,318, Reputation: 5972
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    #9

    Oct 16, 2015, 04:13 PM
    Oops! You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to CravenMorhead again.
    Couldn't agree more.
    Catsmine's Avatar
    Catsmine Posts: 3,827, Reputation: 739
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    #10

    Oct 17, 2015, 05:55 AM
    As all the answers have mentioned, the problem is that you two are not communicating. Starting now is going to be very difficult because you don't need the extra stress and he sounds like he won't take the rejection well. Third party counseling was suggested. That may be your best bet, as a mediator can often keep these powderkegs from exploding. Good luck and congratulations on the baby.

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