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    Payner's Avatar
    Payner Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    May 31, 2007, 02:18 AM
    My boyfriend and I haven't had sex for 12 months
    My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years, we've been living together for 3 of those 5 years. Our sex life was very healthy at the beginning of our relationship as it is with everones, the problem is we haven't had sex now for nearly 12 months, I know his sex drive is no where near as high as mine but I really miss the intimacy. He's in the army and is very stressed with work at the moment which I totally understand but it's now getting to the stage where I feel angry with him for not wanting me like he used to! I'm 31 and he's 30. I've asked all the questions, do you still find me attractive, is there someone else, are you gay etc... he said he does still find me attractive, no there is no-one else and no he's not gay! We got a puppy just under a year ago which also doesn't help matters as he sleeps in our bedroom, in fact he gets more attention than me yet I'd not be without him... he's our little baby!
    I think that its got to the stage that we are both waiting for each other to make the first move and the reason we don't is because we are afraid that we will be rejected.
    Could someone please shed some light on my situation as I'm starting to pull my hair out, I love my boyfriend dearly and really don't want things to get any worse.
    Any opinions and ideas would be most welcome

    :(
    Ladyviper's Avatar
    Ladyviper Posts: 221, Reputation: 36
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    #2

    May 31, 2007, 05:13 AM
    Not having sex is not the worse thing that could happen to a relationship, there are plenty of married couples where one is unable to perform and they make it just fine. First things first, get the puppy out of your bedroom. He has his place, and it is not in your bed. Children and puppies should never sleep with you every night, as it makes for intimacy problems in a lot of relationships.

    Now, odds are he has not refrained from masturbating for nearly 12 months. Most guys I know can't go more than 3-4 days without touching themselves, he is probably getting relief like that. His age could have something to do with it too, some men go through a phase mid-life that takes a toll on their sex drive. If he is still young though, it could all be stess related and for that I suggest he seek therapy.

    You cannot blame yourself! It is probably completely unrelated to you, don't let it break down your self-esteem!

    Here is something I do when I want it, and my hubby isn't in the mood. When we go to bed for the night, I wait for him to tell me about his day and when he is ready for sleep I get busy. I start to pleasure myself right next to him in the bed, without stifling any noises or moans. He will listen for a few minutes then he will take over, and before you know it we are having a good time. For whatever reason he can't resist it, and I end up a very happy girl.
    MummaCrash's Avatar
    MummaCrash Posts: 136, Reputation: 19
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    #3

    May 31, 2007, 07:08 AM
    I have an idea, why don't you just POUCNE on him. ;)

    Believe it or not there are men out there that may just have a lower libido then women.
    Usually because they don't get enough exercise but he's in the army you'd think he'd be fine. Of course there are other contributions, stress, exhaustion, something on his mind that he wants to talk about?
    Tell him you love him and you're waiting for the intimacy, sex is important. It's not the main factor of a relationship but it does help. :)

    Good luck. I hope you get some lovin' :)
    tiffandsam14's Avatar
    tiffandsam14 Posts: 8, Reputation: 2
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    #4

    May 31, 2007, 08:22 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Payner
    My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years, we've been living together for 3 of those 5 years. Our sex life was very healthy at the beginning of our relationship as it is with everones, the problem is we haven't had sex now for nearly 12 months, I know his sex drive is no where near as high as mine but I really miss the intimacy. He's in the army and is very stressed with work at the moment which I totally understand but it's now getting to the stage where I feel angry with him for not wanting me like he used to! I'm 31 and he's 30. I've asked all the questions, do you still find me attractive, is there someone else, are you gay etc.... he said he does still find me attractive, no there is no-one else and no he's not gay! We got a puppy just under a year ago which also doesn't help matters as he sleeps in our bedroom, in fact he gets more attention than me yet i'd not be without him....he's our little baby!
    I think that its got to the stage that we are both waiting for each other to make the first move and the reason we don't is because we are afraid that we will be rejected.
    Could someone please shed some light on my situation as i'm starting to pull my hair out, I love my boyfriend dearly and really don't want things to get any worse.
    Any opinions and ideas would be most welcome

    :(
    Well, I know that you feel like he's not attracted to you anymore, but there's a lot of stress in your house. DON'T change anything! If he really is still attracted to you, then just give him some time he'll come around. Because if you do change, he might not like it.
    Bandit15's Avatar
    Bandit15 Posts: 9, Reputation: -1
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    #5

    May 31, 2007, 08:38 AM
    I been married for 22 years, she's 47, I'm 46. It's been a year now since we had sex! My reason? I don't find my wife physically attractive anymore. She's beautiful, but she let her body go. Sex for me is a visual thing, I need to see the act, and if my partner isn't visually attractive to me, I can't perform. I love my wife, but she won't do anything to get back into shape. She knows how I feel, but refuses to do anything about it, so I find myself taking care of business by myself. We don't even talk about it anymore, but we find ways to stay together without the sex.
    paganheart71's Avatar
    paganheart71 Posts: 27, Reputation: 4
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    #6

    May 31, 2007, 10:22 AM
    You ask him to go see a doctor, get it checked out, there might be a hormone problem. Try setting the mood. A man doesn't have to start it all the time. Get the dog out of the room is a good idea. Try playing with him don't finish like that but go on to the love making, try other places in the house. Be adventures and always talk to each other about what is on your mind
    kepi's Avatar
    kepi Posts: 321, Reputation: 25
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    #7

    May 31, 2007, 11:55 AM
    I truly think that if you greet him, maybe nude (or with some VERY sexy outfit) and lead the way, he'll respond. Especially if has been a while.
    Greg Quinn's Avatar
    Greg Quinn Posts: 486, Reputation: 85
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    #8

    May 31, 2007, 04:56 PM
    There are a millions of reasons that this could be going on.
    roycem01's Avatar
    roycem01 Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #9

    Jun 14, 2007, 06:19 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Payner
    My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years, we've been living together for 3 of those 5 years. Our sex life was very healthy at the beginning of our relationship as it is with everones, the problem is we haven't had sex now for nearly 12 months, I know his sex drive is no where near as high as mine but I really miss the intimacy. He's in the army and is very stressed with work at the moment which I totally understand but it's now getting to the stage where I feel angry with him for not wanting me like he used to! I'm 31 and he's 30. I've asked all the questions, do you still find me attractive, is there someone else, are you gay etc.... he said he does still find me attractive, no there is no-one else and no he's not gay! We got a puppy just under a year ago which also doesn't help matters as he sleeps in our bedroom, in fact he gets more attention than me yet i'd not be without him....he's our little baby!
    I think that its got to the stage that we are both waiting for each other to make the first move and the reason we don't is because we are afraid that we will be rejected.
    Could someone please shed some light on my situation as i'm starting to pull my hair out, I love my boyfriend dearly and really don't want things to get any worse.
    Any opinions and ideas would be most welcome

    :(
    I think you know that your relationship is not where it should be if this was me I would have given it maybe two month then ask him to see a therapist give it two more months then have no choice but to give up and go your separate ways. Think of all the things you are losing out on not just sex affection and knowing someone is there for you. My boyfriend has more of a sex drive than I do and most of the time I have sex because I know he wants it. The reason I do it is because I love him with all my heart and I need to please him or he will get it from someone else. You deserve to be happy 100% you need to make a move.
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
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    #10

    Jun 15, 2007, 06:07 AM
    He needs to see a doctor... if he is so stressed it has him off sex, then he's also got far more serious things happening to him as well.
    Kattalover's Avatar
    Kattalover Posts: 120, Reputation: 20
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    #11

    Jun 18, 2007, 01:36 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Payner
    I think that its got to the stage that we are both waiting for each other to make the first move and the reason we don't is because we are afraid that we will be rejected.
    Are you not touching each other at all? How about hugging, cuddling, kissing?
    ramblinguy's Avatar
    ramblinguy Posts: 86, Reputation: 9
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    #12

    Jun 18, 2007, 06:54 PM
    I have loved it when my ex or a girlfriend initiates things. That definitely gets me going.
    Kattalover's Avatar
    Kattalover Posts: 120, Reputation: 20
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    #13

    Jun 19, 2007, 09:25 AM
    I didn't have sex with my husband for almost two years. I got tired of it lately, but I didn't know how to approach the subject. So finally I asked him if he wanted to take a shower together. That's something we used to do in the beginning of our relationship: rub each other down with soap and body lotion afterwards, then have sex - or not.

    We hadn't done that in so long that it was a little awkward to get in the shower again for the first time a couple of weeks ago, and it was just wash and go. Yesterday, I suggested lotion time. I would have been okay if he had said no, but he didn't! ;)
    Chrissyg89's Avatar
    Chrissyg89 Posts: 12, Reputation: 1
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    #14

    Mar 10, 2008, 09:27 PM
    I am sorry but, Roy, that sound abosluty obsurd. First off, forcing yourself to be intimate with someone because you don't want to upset your significant other is more of a problem than being comfterble enough in a relationship to know that sex is not everything. Think of it from a biological perspective... men have sex to spread their seed, if they are only with one woman, that need disapears. It may seem like it's a problem only because for some reason now days people are replacing true intamacy with sex. Love is a whole lot more than getting naked.
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
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    #15

    Mar 12, 2008, 12:09 PM
    He does need to find out if he has a yet hidden medical problem... because its just not normal for a 30 year old man to go without for more than a few days at a stretch without wanting it.

    If he checks out fine then you can be glad he is healthy, but depression and certain drugs can account for this as well. Just don't dismiss it as normal because only 5 years into a relationship and at only 30 years old its not normal without some explanation.

    I've been happily married for 17 years now... that need hasn't disappeared, or even diminished.

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