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    Jenlynnb7's Avatar
    Jenlynnb7 Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    May 9, 2010, 09:34 AM
    Boyfriend has porn addiction but he doesn't know I know. How can I bring it up?
    We have been dating for four months and I saw his internet history. He looks at a lot of porn and I'm concerned. Other than that he's a great boy friend. He doesn't know that I know he looks at pictures and reads erotica. It bothers me that he looks at other women. Makes me feel as though I'm not enough.
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
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    #2

    May 9, 2010, 09:54 AM

    How old are you?

    Why are you giving your boyfriend a diagnosis from looking at his Internet History? You do understand that he may not have looked at every page or picture listed. Internet History keeps all the pages that have been 'opened' even if they were mistakes and not viewed or that just popped up from ads, etc.

    Do you read romances? Do you watch romantic movies? No different from someone who likes watching porn or reading erotica.

    If you are this insecure after four months and hesitant to talk to your boyfriend about your concerns, you might want to re-think the relationship.
    Jenlynnb7's Avatar
    Jenlynnb7 Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    May 9, 2010, 10:17 AM

    The history was for several weeks and lots of pages were opened. Several sites and visited over and over. Yes I watch romantic movies. I'm more worried that he hasn't been open with me about it. I didn't mean to find this out I was looking for a site I went to before. Now that I know I want to talk about it but I don't want him to think I was snooping cause that's not the case so how can I bring it up? Should I tell how I found out?
    excon's Avatar
    excon Posts: 21,482, Reputation: 2992
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    #4

    May 9, 2010, 10:28 AM

    Hello J:

    You say you innocently came upon it, but I suspect not. Your characterization of his porn viewing as an "addiction", says all I need to know. Plus, your snooping is DEATH to a relationship, whereas whacking off together might be fun.

    excon
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
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    #5

    May 9, 2010, 10:36 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Jenlynnb7 View Post
    The history was for several weeks and lots of pages were opened. Several sites and visited over and over. Yes I watch romantic movies. I'm more worried that he hasn't been open with me about it. I didn't mean to find this out I was looking for a site I went to before. Now that I know I want to talk about it but I don't want him to think I was snooping cause that's not the case so how can I bring it up? Should I tell how I found out?
    Once again, how old are you?

    Before you talk to him about it, I think you need to examine how you feel about it and why. Is it because you are against porn in general or because you feel like he should change his habits because he is in a relationship? Finding out what your feelings are is a first step to knowing how to discuss the issue with him.

    Ask yourself this question: Why should he be open with you about his viewing habits and possible masturbation? Are you completely open about everything you do when you aren't with him? Do you tell him about how often and what you use to masturbate?
    Jenlynnb7's Avatar
    Jenlynnb7 Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
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    #6

    May 9, 2010, 10:47 AM

    I'm plenty old enough.
    We are open with each other and he has shared a very personal fetish with me and I explore it with him openly and do things to encourage it. I should not have called it an addiction I just needed to phrase it somehow.

    Thank you for your answers and I do need to look at myself and why or even if it bothers me that he looks.

    I just feel so guilty about knowing his "secret". I'd rather not have known at all and let him tell me when he's ready.
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
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    #7

    May 9, 2010, 10:53 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Jenlynnb7 View Post
    I'm plenty old enough.
    We are open with each other and he has shared a very personal fetish with me and I explore it with him openly and do things to encourage it. I should not have called it an addiction I just needed to phrase it somehow.

    Thank you for your answers and I do need to look at myself and why or even if it bothers me that he looks.

    I just feel so guilty about knowing his "secret". I'd rather not have known at all and let him tell me when he's ready.
    Jenlynn, the reason I am asking about age is because of the forum we are on. Due to adult oriented material only 18 year olds and up are allowed to post on it. IF you aren't 18 or older, then I am going to have to ask to have this thread closed.
    Jenlynnb7's Avatar
    Jenlynnb7 Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
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    #8

    May 9, 2010, 10:54 AM

    My kids are over 18.
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
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    #9

    May 9, 2010, 11:02 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Jenlynnb7 View Post
    My kids are over 18.
    One of mine is and the other is close. :)

    Thank you, we do have to be careful as I am sure you can understand.

    If he knew you were using his computer and the internet, be honest with him about how you found out about his viewing habits.

    You could turn it into a 'fun' discussion rather than a concerned one.
    Jenlynnb7's Avatar
    Jenlynnb7 Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
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    #10

    May 9, 2010, 11:10 AM

    Yes I understand about being careful.

    Thank you for your insight.
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
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    #11

    May 9, 2010, 11:13 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Jenlynnb7 View Post
    Yes I understand about being careful.

    Thank you for your insight.
    Good luck. :)
    jmjoseph's Avatar
    jmjoseph Posts: 2,727, Reputation: 1244
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    #12

    May 9, 2010, 11:27 AM

    Some people come here saying that their boyfriend, or husband, don't want sex with them but they do masturbate often. That doesn't seem like the case here. It seems as if you are just jealous, and are trying to CONTROL him.

    If he is a "great boyfriend", and is meeting most, if not all, of your wants and needs, then let him be.

    You will run him off by trying to change him into what it is that you want him to be.

    And how did you happen to find out his history on his computer?

    Most normal guys look at erotica from time to time, including myself.

    And as Cat1864 has stated, are you without fantasies? Are you ready to admit when YOU masturbate?

    Just because you have been dating him for four months, does not mean you have a right to dictate what he does, or doesn't do, when you are not even there.

    Get over IT, before he gets over YOU.

    Good luck, and work on the insecurities.
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
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    #13

    May 9, 2010, 12:28 PM

    I don't think it's fair to characterize his viewing of porn, as an afront to you. This is something he does.

    If it is a problem to you, and you are perfectly entitled to feel how you feel about it, then you have choices.

    You don't need to feel that you have to accept anybody's behaviour, if it is not comfortable. You don't have to justify it in order to accept it, and you don't have to participate in it.

    To some, it is just not something they want to see in a man; his use of porn. To others, no big deal.

    It is all part of who he is and what he does and it's up to you, and you only, to decide if you can accept it or not.
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,494, Reputation: 2853
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    #14

    May 10, 2010, 06:23 AM

    Lets see... he as an adult male, views porn... thus to you he is addicted to it.


    So, same logic... you watch certain types of TV shows... or books... with a female romantic interest group... thus you are addicted to those. You CAN'T have it both ways.


    #1 he is an adult... he has the right. He is descrete, and isn't doing it in front of minor children which is something I would find a problem with.

    Guys are visual... women aren't. We don't find fault with the fact that women aren't more like us... so please try to keep that in mind before finding fault than men are not more like you are.

    As the French liked to say... "Viva La Differance" Yeah that's probibly spelled wrong.
    CravenMorhead's Avatar
    CravenMorhead Posts: 4,532, Reputation: 1065
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    #15

    May 10, 2010, 07:47 AM

    I agree with smoothy and Ex-con.

    My two cents. He has shared his intimate kinks with you. You are sounding like you have a active sex life. He isn't cheating on you, and it doesn't sound like he is sexually neglecting you.

    So... what is the problem here?

    I am at odds with Porn as an addiction, but that is neither here nor there. As Smoothy said, men are visual creatures, they like looking at naked women. It isn't because he finds you wanting, but because he like looking at naked women. It isn't an insult towards you. From the information that you've provided, he isn't anywhere near to being addicted.

    The internet provides a limitless stream of stroke material. Where you should be worried is what type of porn he is looking at, i.e. child porn. That is the only case when you should be concerned.

    If you're really concerned about it, than talk to him about it. You'll find out it is just stroke material for him.
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,494, Reputation: 2853
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    #16

    May 10, 2010, 08:42 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by CravenMorhead View Post
    I agree with smoothy and Ex-con.

    My two cents. He has shared his intimate kinks with you. You are sounding like you have a active sex life. He isn't cheating on you, and it doesn't sound like he is sexually neglecting you.

    So... what is the problem here?

    I am at odds with Porn as an addiction, but that is neither here nor there. As Smoothy said, men are visual creatures, they like looking at naked women. It isn't because he finds you wanting, but because he like looking at naked women. It isn't an insult towards you. From the information that you've provided, he isn't anywhere near to being addicted.

    The internet provides a limitless stream of stroke material. Where you should be worried is what type of porn he is looking at, ie child porn. That is the only case when you should be concerned.

    If you're really concerned about it, than talk to him about it. You'll find out it is just stroke material for him.
    I would add, dating sites as well. Those would be indicative of a problem as well.

    Passive viewing is one thing... but interactive sites are another thing entirely.

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