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    jester_montreal's Avatar
    jester_montreal Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Jun 28, 2007, 08:57 AM
    Accepting my sexuality and who to tell
    Hey,

    I'm been working on accepting that on some level, I am a bisexual male.

    I have had some experiences with a guy, and while I didn't think much of them at the time, I am now questioning myself quite a bit.

    I have told my girlfriend of 5 years about all of my experiences, and about all of my recent doubts, and she has been super supportive and a great person to talk to about this.

    I still have my doubts about my sexuality, as I tend to be a guy who likes things to be black and white, and so, what are some good things to do about accepting who I am?

    Also, I feel pretty comfortable thinking gay or straight thoughts, and I have told my girlfriend and last two gfs as well as the guy I did some stuff with, but should I tell more people?

    I'm having a tough time accepting some things, perhaps because I haven't told the world, but at the same time, I don't feel that I should have to tell any and everyone.

    I have thought of telling my mom, at the least, and one of my good male friends, and of course it could go from there, but any ideas on a good start?

    Thanks!
    templelane's Avatar
    templelane Posts: 1,177, Reputation: 227
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    #2

    Jun 28, 2007, 11:00 AM
    Hi personally I'd say the friend first as it would matter less to them, then you mother. But this depends on how close you are to your mum. Would she feel hurt if she was the last to know? I don't think there is a 'right' way to come out, I have had many friends (an unusually high percentage for some reason) come out when I have known them (male and female) and everyone seems to do it differently.

    I think the general pattern is go for the easy people first - the ones you don't think will freak out/ denounce you as the devil etc. It will build your confidence and help you accept yourself. Then move on to the important people who may be more tricky - say a father/ relatives of the same gender. I don't know why it is but they tend to get the most funny about it.

    And remember you don't have to tell anyone if you don't want to. Although it could cause awkward or difficult situations in the future. For example if you had a boyfriend who got upset because he was never allowed to hold you hand in public/ meet you parents.

    Your plan so far mum and close male friend sounds good.

    Good luck and remember don't take first reactions to heart - think how long it took you to accept yourself - don't expect them to accept the news straight away, most people come around in the end. :)
    Xrayman's Avatar
    Xrayman Posts: 1,177, Reputation: 193
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    #3

    Jun 28, 2007, 03:56 PM
    Keep it to yourself-I don't tell everyone I'm bi-who really needs to know? Does everyone HAVE to tell anyone about their private feelings?? I think only your GF needs to know-if she's okay with it -then you are blessed as far as I'm concerned.

    Good for you.
    Dennis777's Avatar
    Dennis777 Posts: 478, Reputation: 124
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    #4

    Jun 28, 2007, 04:20 PM
    Hello.

    Why do you need to tell people anything. Unless your planing on going Gay and have a live in Boyfriend there is no need to tell anyone about what you do behind closed doors. In fact most people don't want to know what you do.
    templelane's Avatar
    templelane Posts: 1,177, Reputation: 227
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    #5

    Jun 28, 2007, 11:54 PM
    Dennis and Xrayman :-
    The vast majority of gay and bi people I know felt happier once out. They didn't feel they were 'living a lie'. True it is not like everyone needs to know or would care, it's not like people go around telling the postman and the little old lady up the stairs. But sometimes it is nice to have your closest friends and relatives knowing, so you don't always have to watch what you say.

    Unfortunately though sometimes you still get so many negative attitudes- but it seems to depend on geography and age group- I'm sure you will be able to judge in fine jester.

    As I said before Good Luck

    PS Dennis - 'going gay' what century are you in!!
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
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    #6

    Jun 29, 2007, 04:39 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Dennis777
    Hello.

    Why do you need to tell people anything. Unless your planing on going Gay and have a live in Boyfriend there is no need to tell anyone about what you do behind closed doors. In fact most people don't want to know what you do.
    I've got to agree with that.

    Why this urge to go shout it from the tree tops. Most people could care less what you want to do but when you start tossing it in their face they can get downright nasty.

    That is exactly what many straight people find the most irritating thing about many in the gay community. Most of them don't care what you do, but they do take offense when people run around bragging about it. Its not acceptable behavior for a straight guy to run around bragging about how straight he is and/or who he slept with. Things like this are best kept to yourself for that very reason. Its what's considered acceptable behavior no matter what your orientation happens to be. Gay pride parades are a prime example... you don't see Heterosexual pride parades do you? See my point. Nothing personal meant towards the gay community. I have gay friends and honestly don't care what they do since they are adults and its all consensual.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,051, Reputation: 10852
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    #7

    Jun 29, 2007, 06:17 AM
    Worry about the ones who need to know and you want them to know, just to be honest with them. After that its nobodies business, but yours.
    americangayboy's Avatar
    americangayboy Posts: 220, Reputation: 38
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    #8

    Jun 29, 2007, 10:39 AM
    You don't need to tell everyone, that's not what coming out is about. Tell those close to you who you WANT to know. Eventually you will be comfortable with whatever happens.

    I had difficulty when I started coming out because I didn't tell anyone at work, and they kept asking why I wouldn't talk about my dating life. Rumors started and I finally had to tell them about it, to which they responded with "We don't care to hear that? blah blah blah" A bit of a catch-22!
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
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    #9

    Jun 29, 2007, 11:48 AM
    Point I wanted to make is You don't run around bragging about it... that draws negative attention to you. If someone asks you directly then its not wrong to answer that you are. But don't go running around telling everyone unsolicited, that's sure to generate negative reactions, if they want to know then they will ask you.
    americangayboy's Avatar
    americangayboy Posts: 220, Reputation: 38
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    #10

    Jun 29, 2007, 11:59 AM
    OK smoothy, I didn't mean to strike a nerve, I just wanted to give context. Gay politics is a very complex subject and you can't reduce it to such a simple cause-effect relationship between gays and straights.

    Jester- I wouldn't suggest telling everyone, but everyone you personally know should (eventually) know and accept your sexuality (of course, we don't live in a perfect world, so not everyone will be cool). Come out in a way that makes you feel comfortable. With my friends/family, I kind of dropped the ball all at once and it was really hard (I think it would have been easier for me if I had some transition period where only a few people knew).
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
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    #11

    Jun 29, 2007, 12:26 PM
    You didn't strike a nerve... however I did want to make clear that's one sure fire way (this strange need to tell the world like you won the Nobel peace prize or something) to alienate yourself among your fellow coworkers that are straight.

    And in a general sense most straight people will agree that tossing that in their faces is a sure fire way to generate negative reactions (some extremely negative). Even from those who are not at all homophobic. But staying cool and low key will be the key to acceptance. I mean if a straight guy runs around bragging how he's into golden showers, or domination by rather large women, or strap-ons... or even his latest conquest over the weekend, or how many times he had sex with his wife for that matter he's going to generate negative reactions as well. Some things are best kept to ones self and not told to everyone just for the sake of telling them.
    Dennis777's Avatar
    Dennis777 Posts: 478, Reputation: 124
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    #12

    Jun 29, 2007, 12:31 PM
    Maybe I'm in a different world (or century as Temple has put it hehehe) but I don't understand why Jester needs to tell people anything until at least he knows what he wants in life. If or when he wants to go public with his sexuality then I agree he should talk to some of the people in his life before they are told by others. Most of the time the people around you already know.
    americangayboy's Avatar
    americangayboy Posts: 220, Reputation: 38
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    #13

    Jun 29, 2007, 02:18 PM
    I didn't realize that telling someone that I'm gay is akin to a straight man telling someone that he enjoys getting urinated on. People's personal lives do, in fact, come up at work, at restaurants, at the gym, in church, etc. and if it is relevant to the conversation, I will not hold back that I'm gay nor will I accept intolerance.

    I think there is a misunderstanding here in that I don't know what exactly constitutes tossing my sexuality in someone's face. Could you be more specific so I know whether I should be hostile?
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
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    #14

    Jul 2, 2007, 05:06 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by americangayboy
    I didn't realize that telling someone that I'm gay is akin to a straight man telling someone that he enjoys getting urinated on. People's personal lives do, in fact, come up at work, at restaurants, at the gym, in church, etc. and if it is relevant to the conversation, I will not hold back that I'm gay nor will I accept intolerance.

    I think there is a misunderstanding here in that I don't know what exactly constitutes tossing my sexuality in someone's face. Could you be more specific so I know whether I should be hostile?
    Well that was just an analogy... how about a straight white man running around telling everyone he decided he was into Asian women... or Black women or rather large women. ( Really no different than you or him deciding to tell everyone you are into men) My point being is running around bragging about it is not what is acceptable. Be it if you are gay or straight, normal people don't run around bragging to everyone and their mother what their personal choice in partners is unsolicited.

    Now as long as you aren't going around telling everyone you are gay unless they ask you first, or if you have a T-shirt that says Gay Pride or anything then you aren't tossing it in anyone's face. Nothing wrong with admitting it if asked, and if they don't ask then its none of their business. Personally I don't give a hoot if people are gay or not. My only gripe is with those who decide to make spectacles of themselves, not the majority that act as most of the population does and keep their sex lives out of clear public view.
    JoeCanada76's Avatar
    JoeCanada76 Posts: 6,669, Reputation: 1707
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    #15

    Jul 2, 2007, 05:15 AM
    I think it is excellent that your being so honest with your girlfriend. Quite honestly I think that is the only person that truly needs to know. Your loving partner. As far as telling the world or anybody else. Is it really anybodies business? Do not feel forced into thinking that you have to tell others, If you feel comfortable with people knowing then feel free but since your questioning telling others, If I were you would keep it too myself.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,051, Reputation: 10852
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    #16

    Jul 2, 2007, 08:26 AM
    Gay or straight, putting personal business in public is crude and rude, and I question your motives for doing so.
    americangayboy's Avatar
    americangayboy Posts: 220, Reputation: 38
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    #17

    Jul 2, 2007, 08:52 AM
    Coming out as GLBT is far different from telling people you are into bigger women or a specific race. First off, there is not a political push to hamper those relationships. Second, being gay is much more than just sexuality; it affects (almost) every aspect of our lives. And third, it is empowering to us to come out because it's showing others that we will not sit back and be abused.

    I still don't understand what you mean completely, but I disagree with you in that people should be quiet about it. Is it that you don't like flamboyant men and really butch women? Is it that you would prefer that our partners don't appear in our public lives? Is it the Pride-fest in particular that you don't enjoy? That's what I was asking, because I don't know ANYONE who just goes up to people and says "Hi, my name is Jim. I'm a homo!"

    However, it does routinely come up. For example, a lot of people where I grew up call things "gay" or call other people "fag". Am I or am I not justified in saying "I'm gay and I'd prefer that you don't use those words. I find it offensive."? How about when people are talking about race relations, etc. and we add our unique experience as a marginalized community to the conversation? Religion? Even things as benign as TV, movies and music can bring up our sexuality (homophobic sitcoms/movies, rap music). Our queer identities influence many more aspects of our lives than you might have imagined.
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
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    #18

    Jul 2, 2007, 09:01 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by americangayboy
    Coming out as GLBT is far different from telling people you are into bigger women or a specific race. First off, there is not a political push to hamper those relationships. Second, being gay is much more than just sexuality; it affects (almost) every aspect of our lives. And third, it is empowering to us to come out because it's showing others that we will not sit back and be abused.

    I still don't understand what you mean completely, but I disagree with you in that people should be quiet about it. Is it that you don't like flamboyant men and really butch women? Is it that you would prefer that our partners don't appear in our public lives? Is it the Pride-fest in particular that you don't enjoy? That's what I was asking, because I don't know ANYONE who just goes up to people and says "Hi, my name is Jim. I'm a homo!"

    However, it does routinely come up. For example, a lot of people where I grew up call things "gay" or call other people "fag". Am I or am I not justified in saying "I'm gay and I'd prefer that you don't use those words. I find it offensive."? How about when people are talking about race relations, etc. and we add our unique experience as a marginalized community to the conversation? Religion? Even things as benign as TV, movies and music can bring up our sexuality (homophobic sitcoms/movies, rap music). Our queer identities influence many more aspects of our lives than you might have imagined.

    If you want to piss off your average person shout it out. (trust me you will)... but there is still no reason to throw being gay in everyone's face any more than my choice to go out with lets say well endowed petite black women.

    Throw anything in everyone's face and you are going to get reactions... mostly negative ones. I for one have several gay friends, I have zero issues with their being gay nor any desire to convert them... BUT if someone gets all flamboyant and in my face I'm going to take offense to it.

    Politics has nothing to do with it. Social decorum has EVERYTHING to do with it. What happens in your sex life is not the publics business. And it's the same for straight as well as gay people.

    Treat public behavior as if kids were viewing it (assuming a responsible parent). If its fine for kids to see then its likely not objectionable. That hold true regardless what your sexual preference might be.
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    templelane Posts: 1,177, Reputation: 227
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    #19

    Jul 2, 2007, 10:22 AM
    Smoothy I really don't see how a gay pride parade is throwing it in peoples faces. It's just a street party. Celebrating VE day in Britain isn't throwing it in the German's face, just like the British don't complain about Independence Day, it's just a community thing. It's also just like any carnival. Like minded people get together and have a good time, usually based on the celebration of the overcoming of an oppressor. It's normal human behaviour which has nothing to do with gloating or forcing anything down anyone's throats etc.

    You say there is no straight pride - wrong - I'm part of one. Mostly to say it exists -granted. Straight pride generally doesn't exist because there was never an oppressor to fight back against.

    I still don't understand how coming out to a couple of friends equates to airing private business in public. Americangayboy is right these things do come up in regular conversation. Are you seeing anyone? Common office conversation. It would be nice for someone to be able to say the truth without somebody pretending to be sick (I've seen it) or accusing them of 'throwing it in my face.' Is saying you have a wife throwing your sexuality in someone's face? No, so why should saying you have boyfriend (when male) be labelled as such.

    Argh I'm going now I'm getting too irate.
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
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    #20

    Jul 2, 2007, 11:00 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by templelane
    Smoothy I really don't see how a gay pride parade is throwing it in peoples faces. It's just a street party. Celebrating VE day in Britain isn't throwing it in the German's face, just like the British don't complain about Independence Day, it's just a community thing. It's also just like any carnival. Like minded people get together and have a good time, usually based on the celebration of the overcoming of an oppressor. It's normal human behaviour which has nothing to do with gloating or forcing anything down anyone's throats ect.

    You say there is no straight pride - wrong - I'm part of one. Mostly to say it exists -granted. Straight pride generally doesn't exist because there was never an oppressor to fight back against.

    I still don't understand how coming out to a couple of friends equates to airing private business in public. Americangayboy is right these things do come up in regular conversation. Are you seeing anyone? Common office conversation. It would be nice for someone to be able to say the truth without somebody pretending to be sick (I've seen it) or accusing them of 'throwing it in my face.' Is saying you have a wife throwing your sexuality in someone's face? No, so why should saying you have boyfriend (when male) be labelled as such.

    Argh I'm going now I'm getting too irate.
    Then you are incapable of understanding what the problem is to the majority of the population as Gay pride parades are a freak show for the most part. Even to the few gay friends I have who feel it makes a negative impression on them. Their words not mine.

    Don't understand what's wrong with "coming out" to people you know? As a straight person would you be bragging about whatever exploits you might have with women you date? No because this is the reason. What business is it of theirs and what business do you have to be telling it anyway. This is an issue between you and whoever you date. And its nobody else's business to know or be told any more than it is for a straight person to be telling everyone what their exploits are or even what their personal fetishes are. Some things are personal and not public information. If you chose to make that information public by intentionally telling ever Tom, and Harry, then you should not worry about what the repercussions are and there will be some.

    Now with that said if someone came up and asked you directly then I see nothing at all wrong with being up front and telling them because that was solicited information. Now your closest of friends then fine... and I do delineate close friends from casual friends or co-workers.

    Funny about this coming up in office conversations. I've been in the work force for 28 years worked at about 6 different companies and do not remember it coming up in conversations even once in all that time.

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