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    fishy27's Avatar
    fishy27 Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    May 11, 2016, 07:31 AM
    My [27 M] GF [25 F] of 3 years just told me she has problems with sex because of past
    My girlfriend and I have been sleeping together since the beginning of our relationship, and recently I've started trying to gently introduce more in the bedroom. She's always had a toy, but I've been trying to introduce more positions and experiences to make things a little more fun.

    The other day we started fooling around and she abdruptly stopped me saying she didn't like anything I was doing (same thing I always do), she doesn't like making out, and she doesn't want anything new. She completely shut down and wouldn't say another word to me after this.

    The next day she text me saying that she's had "really terrible relationships, including really scary sex" and that "she has a problems with sex because of past relationships"

    I'm not sure where to go from here, she won't talk about it, I also now have no idea what she wants in bed (she says normal sex is all she wants). Ideally I'd like for her to heal in some way and open up with me. Should we stop having sex all together for a while? I could suggest her see a therapist but I imagine that not going well.

    **tl;dr**: Girlfriend told me she's had relationships involving "really scary sex" which is keeping her from opening up and trying new things with me. Not sure what to do.
    CravenMorhead's Avatar
    CravenMorhead Posts: 4,532, Reputation: 1065
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    #2

    May 11, 2016, 02:16 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by fishy27 View Post
    My girlfriend and I have been sleeping together since the beginning of our relationship, and recently I've started trying to gently introduce more in the bedroom. She's always had a toy, but I've been trying to introduce more positions and experiences to make things a little more fun.
    The other day we started fooling around and she abdruptly stopped me saying she didn't like anything I was doing (same thing I always do), she doesn't like making out, and she doesn't want anything new. She completely shut down and wouldn't say another word to me after this.. [/quote]

    I think I already know the answer to this, but did you talk to her before introducing anything new? Being spontaneous in bed is one thing but going vastly off script without the other person's consent is a recipe for disaster. Bringing in a new toy is one thing, but if you bring in a XL Bad Dragon Dildo... well that is a game changer.

    Sex is a lot about communication. The majority of it should be done with pants on outside of the bedroom, i.e. not while trying to engage or start to engage in the act of sex. I am surprised that this didn't come up in previous discussions, but that is between you and her. You should have at least said something so she was prepared or could premptivley deny you.

    Quote Originally Posted by fishy27 View Post
    The next day she text me saying that she's had "really terrible relationships, including really scary sex" and that "she has a problems with sex because of past relationships"


    I'm not sure where to go from here, she won't talk about it, I also now have no idea what she wants in bed (she says normal sex is all she wants). Ideally I'd like for her to heal in some way and open up with me. Should we stop having sex all together for a while? I could suggest her see a therapist but I imagine that not going well.
    This is HER damage not yours. This you have to remember, you can NOT fix her nor should you try. You can help her but only so much that she wants help. Talking to her to get the details and what to avoid is a good start. Getting her to deal with her trauma is another good step, which is to say suggesting therapy. That would be best for her.

    You also need to talk to her a lot before, during, and after sex. You have a huge warning that she's sexually fragile so you need to be conscious of what you're doing. I Wouldn't stop having sex, but you need to be sensitive to her needs, you ripped off a HUGE band aid and hurt her. That needs to heal so don't be surprised if she's a little more hesitant now. Take it slowly with tonnes of communication.

    Good luck.

    Quote Originally Posted by fishy27 View Post
    **tl;dr**: Girlfriend told me she's had relationships involving "really scary sex" which is keeping her from opening up and trying new things with me. Not sure what to do.
    Just a pet peeve. All the details you provided are important. A TL;DR devalues what you wrong. Don't use that.
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,318, Reputation: 5972
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    #3

    May 11, 2016, 04:26 PM
    Speaking as someone that had a lot of bad sexual history (molested as a child by a cousin for years started at age 5, raped at the age of 18), it's not always easy to accept new things in the bedroom.

    I was fine sexually until one night with my husband (we were still dating at this time). We had sex, it was great, then he put his arm around me and I totally stiffened up. All of a sudden all of the things I'd gone through, came crashing over me and I started to cry. He was shocked, and his reaction was to hold me closer, which made it worse.

    Until that moment I had never cared about any of the men I had sex with. Sex was just sex, it was something I did because I really didn't care about myself that much. At that moment with my now husband, I realized I loved him and he didn't know all my ghosts, and it scared me, a lot. It scared me because I realized that if I told him, if he couldn't accept me, I'd lose him, and losing him would hurt a lot because I love him.

    I told him all of it, expected him to run away as fast as he could. Who wants to deal with damaged goods. He didn't run. He stayed, and he held me, and he listened.

    To this day I have issues. I'm the one that has to initiate sex, and take control during sex. I cannot stand anyone trying to take control. It makes me very nervous. I love to try new things, but only if I'm the instigator. I have no trouble tying him up (if he wants), using toys (on him), etc. etc. but I cannot be the one that's submissive and allows someone else to do those things to me. Tie me up and I'll fight you, or completely shut down. Anything aggressive, I fight. Anything where I don't have complete control, I can't handle.

    We've learned to work around my issues, and thankfully he's a very easy going guy, not someone that really wants to be the aggressor or the instigator, so it works well for us.

    You need to talk to her, and she needs to talk to you, if this is going to work.

    If she can't or won't do the things you want to do, then you have to figure out if you can live without them. If you can't, then you have to move on, and she needs to find someone that can work with her issues, and accept them.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,915, Reputation: 10852
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    #4

    May 12, 2016, 02:52 AM
    Be content with NORMAL sex, and keep talking. If you want a freaky deeky to explore the carnal pleasures with, then she ain't the one, and I doubt she changes, or goes along with therapy to change for you.

    If you aren't willing to stay within her boundaries then what's the whole point of staying with her?
    fishy27's Avatar
    fishy27 Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    May 12, 2016, 11:12 AM
    Thanks for the responses.

    I agree with everything pretty much. I'm completely OK with boundaries in bed. I never try to instigate anything crazy or out of the normal without talking to her first.

    I also understand I cannot fix the issues, or whatever's causing it. I'm only looking for the best course of action to help her heal. I suggested therapy to her last night, she said she's never thought about it. I'm hoping she takes that ball and runs with it.
    CravenMorhead's Avatar
    CravenMorhead Posts: 4,532, Reputation: 1065
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    #6

    May 12, 2016, 01:10 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by fishy27 View Post
    Thanks for the responses.

    I agree with everything pretty much. I'm completely OK with boundaries in bed. I never try to instigate anything crazy or out of the normal without talking to her first.

    I also understand I cannot fix the issues, or whatever's causing it. I'm only looking for the best course of action to help her heal. I suggested therapy to her last night, she said she's never thought about it. I'm hoping she takes that ball and runs with it.
    I can't emphasize this enough: She will only get help if she wants help. If she's happy to live life the way it is at the moment then she will. She will only work on this if she wants to. If you poke and prod her to go forward and get help then she will probably push back and either abandon that course of action or follow through but not adopt any of the help given. It is something she needs to do, and you need to support her. Just be cautious how you do it because if you're overzealous it could backfire on you.

    This is a lesson I have learnt a number of times with different people. Some people are content with their issues and expect people to work around them instead of working them out themselves. The more you try to help the less action or motivation they have to do anything to fix the problem, but they're getting attention so they're happy. I am not saying that this is the case with your girlfriend, but I want you to be aware that there's a difference between helping and being supportive.

    The last thing I want to leave you with is this train of thought: Are you strong enough of a person to deal with these issues if they go unresolved? Alty found a Man who was able to do that. I did that for a ex-gf of mine who had physical disabilities that prevented sex but we parted ways because of other issues. In a long term functional relationship there are a few pillars that need to be there or else it will all crumble away, a healthy and rewarding intimacy is one of them. This isn't just penis in vagina sex, but can be something as simple as a hug, kiss, grope, or cuddle. It is how you and your partner connect on a physical/emotional level. If this isn't there or one's expectation is different then the others then this pillar could collapse along with the relationship. What you need to spend time thinking about is whether this is all worth it. There is not wrong answer. It sounds like it is worth it, but if this is going to prevent you from reaching a level of happyness or life goals (ie, kids. You can't have kids if there's no sex), you might want to contemplate whether this is a good relationship.

    I am not advocating dumping or leaving, but taking a look at the relationship to make sure it is what you want. Everyone is guilty of just ignoring and assuming when it comes to a relationship and are often blindsided when things go wrong. IT is good practices to evaluate all aspects of your relationship to make sure it is something you want and that it is healthy.

    Good luck.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,278, Reputation: 7690
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    #7

    May 12, 2016, 06:47 PM
    How fast are you trying changes. One new posiion every week ? Or letting it just take it time.

    Also what is wrong with normal sex, some sex methods will never be OK for some people.

    Lots of women for example never do oral sex. A large percent will never do anal sex. And so on. So depending on what you want, it may never happen.

    She may want counseling, since she has had problems in the past. But you should not push her, to talk, unless she wants to.

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