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    frenchmusic's Avatar
    frenchmusic Posts: 37, Reputation: 0
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    #1

    Jun 2, 2012, 03:46 PM
    I want to be adopted but I am a minor.
    I live in a family where affection is unheard of. As of recent, my father has become calmer. But my mother is distant. My father used to be very angry, very aggressive. Manic. Impulsive. Loud. I've been hit in the past without reasoning. Without justification other than that of his own anger. I also had an experience of sexual abuse from a sibling when I was very young. I've grown up in a reality where I feel, genuinely, that I do not exist. My physical presence has always shocked me, every day. The existence of myself makes no sense to me. I was severely depressed for three years. No real help was offered. I cut myself for five. They have no idea. I starve myself, often. I know absolutely nothing about my mother and I'm sure she doesn't know anything about herself either. I do know she has been through a lot. She has been mugged, held to her head by a gun, she's been hi-jacked. She has had two miscarriages. She has been in a car accident. She has been the wife of a man who has been cheating on her for my whole life. She is not depressed. She is not empty. She is not emotional. She is materialistic and superficial. She doesn't know anything about me. At the risk of sounding like a whining teenager, I need to state that I am not understood in this family. I am the weird one. The silent one. I have, over the past year and a half, gotten to know my friend's mother. She is just like me. In terms of the realms in which we're from. We think the same. She makes me smile. She makes me cry whenever I have to leave her house. We openly express our love for one another. Mother and daughter love. She feels like my mother. I have never felt a love like this before, in my life. A child-like love, where ones mother's arms are so inviting. I wrote her a mother's day card and she cried. She is incredible. Constantly present in my mind. And when I'm with her I feel in place. She says she wishes she had had a daughter, she only has sons, whom are my friends from school. I'm 17 this year. When she says this, I say 'You can adopt me' and I laugh. And she says 'I will' - she loves me, guys. She is an incredible mother. Anyway, sorry about that- How could I go about being adopted? This woman is serious. And honestly, I feel there is nothing more I need in life than the love of a family. She is my family. Her presence is right. When I was depressed, she offered to pay for me to speak to a psychologist. She has taken me to a day-spa before. She loves me. I've never felt it before.
    trulytrying's Avatar
    trulytrying Posts: 122, Reputation: 6
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    #2

    Jun 2, 2012, 05:34 PM
    Maybe you could just go and live with her?. You can legally live where you want to live at age 16... so she wouldn't be in danger of "harboring a runaway". I know this doesn't answer your question about adoption... I just couldn't leave your post without saying something. Acknowledging you~and wishing you the best.
    Here is a link to the US dept. of Health and Human Services FAQ re: Adoption... looks helpful.
    Frequently Asked Questions: Adoption
    frenchmusic's Avatar
    frenchmusic Posts: 37, Reputation: 0
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    #3

    Jun 2, 2012, 05:37 PM
    Thank you very much. I appreciate that. I'm from south africa, by the way. About to research the laws on legal age to move out. Thank you for answering.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,277, Reputation: 7690
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    #4

    Jun 2, 2012, 05:49 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by trulytrying View Post
    Maybe you could just go and live with her?...You can legally live where you want to live at age 16...so she wouldn't be in danger of "harboring a runaway". I know this doesn't answer your question about adoption...I just couldn't leave your post without saying something. Acknowledging you~and wishing you the best.
    Here is a link to the US dept. of Health and Human Services FAQ re: Adoption...looks helpful.
    Frequently Asked Questions: Adoption
    Please do not listen to this person for people in the US, this is not only dangerous but very improper advice for a minor child. In the US, not, a child under 18 can not move and live where they want, and if someone was harboring them, of course they can be changed. We use that here in Georgia all the time for girls who try to run off with a boyfriend
    frenchmusic's Avatar
    frenchmusic Posts: 37, Reputation: 0
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    #5

    Jun 2, 2012, 05:57 PM
    I'm from South Africa. Not America, I'm sorry I forgot to state that. I am more mature than your typical 'minor' - honestly, I have been waiting to move out. It has always been my calming solution. "One day you you'll be away from this." But now that I am sure there is a home for me, I want to move out sooner. Today. Right now. And perhaps allow the last years of my 'teenage-hood' to be peaceful and joyous. I am not running away with a boyfriend, I am running away with the woman who should be my mother. Who I call my mother. There is a rather distinct difference. Thank you for your input though.
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    trulytrying Posts: 122, Reputation: 6
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    #6

    Jun 3, 2012, 04:16 AM
    Forgive me. I spoke as a foster parent that has fostered over 30 "high risk" teenagers here in the US State of North Carolina. Age 16 is when one can petition for emancipation. In the OP's case, I believe her request would be granted~and that it would be good for her.
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,505, Reputation: 4600
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    #7

    Jun 3, 2012, 05:25 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by trulytrying View Post
    Forgive me. I spoke as a foster parent that has fostered over 30 "high risk" teenagers here in the US State of North Carolina. Age 16 is when one can petition for emancipation. In the OP's case, I believe her request would be granted~and that it would be good for her.

    Can you post a source for your belief?

    When you answer, please be State/Country specific. Advising someone to leave, telling them that the person who takes them in would not be charged with "harboring" is irresponsible without knowing the State/Country.

    I am concerned that you admit you're a manipulative person - https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/mental...-427913-2.html. I trust you aren't attempting to "run" the Board - ? I am likewise concerned that you have fostered over 30 "difficult" children when you yourself have problems - https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/addict...er-593724.html

    I'm a skeptic. I hope you prove me wrong.
    ScottGem's Avatar
    ScottGem Posts: 64,970, Reputation: 6056
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    #8

    Jun 3, 2012, 07:39 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by trulytrying View Post
    Forgive me. I spoke as a foster parent that has fostered over 30 "high risk" teenagers here in the US State of North Carolina. Age 16 is when one can petition for emancipation. In the OP's case, I believe her request would be granted~and that it would be good for her.
    Being able to "petition for emancipation" and being granted emancipation are two different things. Emancipation is rarely granted where it is allowed.

    Like most states, NC requires that a minor being able to prove they can live on their own before emancipation:
    ยง 7B-3504. Considerations for emancipation. In determining the best interests of the petitioner and the need for emancipation, the court shall review the following considerations: (1) The parental need for the earnings of the petitioner; (2) The petitioner's ability to function as an adult; (3) The petitioner's need to contract as an adult or to marry; (4) The employment status of the petitioner and the stability of the petitioner's living arrangements; (5) The extent of family discord which may threaten reconciliation of the petitioner with the petitioner's family; (6) The petitioner's rejection of parental supervision or support; and (7) The quality of parental supervision or support. (1979, c. 815, s. 1; 1998-202, s. 6.) http://www.youthrights.net/index.php?title=North_Carolina_Emancipation_Law

    I don't see anything in the OP's post that would qualify for emancipation under NC Law. We take pride in the accuracy of the answers we give here. Please be more careful in the future.
    ScottGem's Avatar
    ScottGem Posts: 64,970, Reputation: 6056
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    #9

    Jun 3, 2012, 07:42 AM
    For her to adopt you would require a court order, without parental consent, it would be unlikely to to be granted.

    You might find this info helpful:
    Legal City :: You and Your Rights :: Minor
    frenchmusic's Avatar
    frenchmusic Posts: 37, Reputation: 0
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    #10

    Jun 3, 2012, 08:46 AM
    These answers are making me terribly sad. But I'm 'old' enough to understand and respect the law. I will just spend as much time with her that is possible. I've always needed the love of a family, and I have that now. That in itself should be enough for now. It's just.. Sad.. that I have not had a childhood. I've never been hugged. I've never had a conversation with my any member of my family. Including my two siblings. I've been alone for 17 years and I've literally grown to accept it as life. I thought it was normal. It's not. It shouldn't be, at least.
    I need to be in a loving environment.. It makes me sad to be sitting here in my room. We're having financial troubles, so I cannot turn on any lights. It's dark and all I can do is listen to french music, a certain song I always sing with my the woman who should be my mother. ('Je ne t'aime plus'- it means 'I love you more'). I'll be fine. I just need my dose of motherliness and family at least once a week. I'll move out next year when I am eighteen and I can then be in a comfortable environment of my own choice.
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,505, Reputation: 4600
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    #11

    Jun 3, 2012, 09:02 AM
    I would take your friend's mother up on the offer of paying for a therapist. A lot of people who post on AMHD have had rough times, very rough backgrounds. I see some depression, I see self pity. I'm not saying it's not warranted. I am saying its obvious.

    You should talk to someone - a professional.

    I know you don't want to sound like a spoiled teenager BUT your family is having "financial problems" so extreme that you are sitting around in the dark, unable to turn on the lights - and you don't have a part-time job? Maybe you need a mother; maybe your family needs some help.
    frenchmusic's Avatar
    frenchmusic Posts: 37, Reputation: 0
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    #12

    Jun 3, 2012, 09:25 AM
    I'm sorry. But I have summarized everything. Financial problems? My father lost his job a week ago. My mother is unemployed. We're in debt, to put it lightly. But that means nothing to me. I don't care about money. I care about love. When I say I've been hit without justification, I mean I've attended school, even this year, more than once, with bruises on my face. Bruises on my eyes and cheeks. Swollen cheeks. No apologies. Listen, I'm not saying my pain is greater than anyone's. Yes I suppose I need a therapist. But I also suppose I need a ing family.
    ScottGem's Avatar
    ScottGem Posts: 64,970, Reputation: 6056
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    #13

    Jun 3, 2012, 09:31 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by frenchmusic View Post
    I'm sorry. But I have summarized everything. Financial problems? My father lost his job a week ago. My mother is unemployed. We're in debt, to put it lightly. But that means nothing to me. I don't care about money. I care about love. When I say I've been hit without justification, I mean I've attended school, even this year, more than once, with bruises on my face. Bruises on my eyes and cheeks. Swollen cheeks. No apologies. Listen, I'm not saying my pain is greater than anyone's. Yes I suppose I need a therapist. But I also suppose I need a ing family.
    If you have been physically abused talk to someone at school. There are laws against that. If an investigation finds that you are being abused you could be put in foster care and your friend could foster you.

    Quote Originally Posted by frenchmusic View Post
    . I just need my dose of motherliness and family at least once a week. I'll move out next year when I am eighteen and I can then be in a comfortable environment of my own choice.
    Frankly, at your age, I doubt if that dose of mothering will do much. By 17 your psyche is pretty well formed. Also, you may not be able to move out at 18. From what I read (see the link I gave you) age of majority in South Africa is 21.
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,505, Reputation: 4600
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    #14

    Jun 3, 2012, 09:39 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by frenchmusic View Post
    I'm sorry. But I have summarized everything. Financial problems? My father lost his job a week ago. My mother is unemployed. We're in debt, to put it lightly. But that means nothing to me. I don't care about money. I care about love. When I say I've been hit without justification, I mean I've attended school, even this year, more than once, with bruises on my face. Bruises on my eyes and cheeks. Swollen cheeks. No apologies. Listen, I'm not saying my pain is greater than anyone's. Yes I suppose I need a therapist. But I also suppose I need a ing family.

    But the reason you aren't pitching in financially is..

    You have a family. You may not like them. They may not like you. You are not without a family. I find it odd that everyone has turned against you.

    Bruises on your face, bruised eyes, swollen and bruised cheeks? Speak to someone in authority at your school OR call the Police. Physical abuse is uncalled for.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,769, Reputation: 5427
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    #15

    Jun 3, 2012, 09:45 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by frenchmusic View Post
    We're having financial troubles, so I cannot turn on any lights. It's dark and all I can do is listen to french music
    Doesn't the CD player or whatever you are using take electricity? And you have a computer and the Internet connection?

    Why don't you have at least a part-time job?
    frenchmusic's Avatar
    frenchmusic Posts: 37, Reputation: 0
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    #16

    Jun 3, 2012, 09:50 AM
    My school has spoken to me. On many an occasion. About the bruises and my behaviour. You know, they were convinced I was going to commit suicide. So was I. I was 15 at the time.

    Yes it won't make much of a difference, but it will be good for me.

    I have spoken to child-line but anonymously. I am afraid it doesn't work (south africa is so unreliable with this stuff.) My father will.. Go mad if he finds out. You see, one day I hope to connect with my family. But there's too much right now. With this age. And the context being so recent. For now, I need to get out.

    Why haven't I contributed financially yet? I only found out he lost his job yesterday. Not even directly, god forbid.

    I will contribute if need be.
    frenchmusic's Avatar
    frenchmusic Posts: 37, Reputation: 0
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    #17

    Jun 3, 2012, 09:54 AM
    Music on my phone, internet on my phone. Guys, forget the money. Jesus. I don't care about the money. Only reason I mentioned that is because the darkness heightens the loneliness. It's like a physical metaphor of living in this house.
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,505, Reputation: 4600
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    #18

    Jun 3, 2012, 10:36 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by frenchmusic View Post
    Music on my phone, internet on my phone. Guys, forget the money. Jesus. I don't care about the money. Only reason I mentioned that is because the darkness heightens the loneliness. It's like a physical metaphor of living in this house.

    Please watch your mouth. We didn't mention money - you did. If it's not important why was it mentioned?

    So your father lost his job yesterday and today you're all sitting in the dark. Sorry, I see a lot of drama and exaggeration and very little else.

    If you had thoughts of suicide 2 years ago you need a therapist, not some friend's mother who, by the way, could ask your parents if you could live with her without adoption.

    Everything that goes wrong in your life is NOT the fault of your parents. At your age I'm sure you've caused a problem or two for them.
    frenchmusic's Avatar
    frenchmusic Posts: 37, Reputation: 0
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    #19

    Jun 3, 2012, 10:48 AM
    I find almost everyone is being very subjective? Defending my family, and I don't see how. He lost his job a week ago. I found out yesterday. We've turned electricity off to save money. How is that exaggerated?

    Why did I mention money? Only to give the point that I am sitting in the darkness, when I have recently been sitting in lightness.

    She hasn't asked my parents because frankly that's rather inappropriate.

    I need love. Not a therapist. I'm not depressed anymore. I've aged so much over the past three years. I am an old soul. Still ageing. I know myself well; spritually and physically. I need to be in a peaceful environment.

    I'm afraid none of you are quite getting that, and it is my main point. Everyone is focusing on such trivial things right now. Psychologists about my past, contributing to financial troubles in my home, etc.

    I need the love of a family. I need the love of a family. I need the love of a family. Psychologists won't help that (and I don't need to see one either as I have dealt and am dealing with my depression- I've been in a very peaceful place lately as I've spent more time with my friend's mother. We have not met one another by coincidence, there is a reason for this and we both know it.

    These responses give me zero hope, and that makes me feel smaller and smaller and smaller. I am a minor, but I am not young.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,769, Reputation: 5427
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    #20

    Jun 3, 2012, 10:50 AM
    Your posts are very lyrical, very poetic.

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