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Gracie98 · Aug 2, 2006, 06:26 AM

Hi, I am new to this forum.
I am feeling really low at the moment. I often feel that I am alone and find it difficult to trust people. Negative thoughts keep coming into my head, telling me that my boyfriend is lying to me, or seeing someone else, doesn't really love or care about me. I am constantly sub-consciously looking for evidence in his actions and interpreting what they mean. I can't help it. Most of the time I distance myself from the thoughts and deal with them myself, but sometimes I ask for re-assurance. On days where I ask loads it annoys him and he takes it personally, thinking I'm unhappy with him or that he isn't doing enough to show he cares. I know really that its all in my head, but the thoughts won't go away and keep bugging me.
I also feel really self-conscious when I go out with friends. I have just moved to a new area and find it hard to make friends and talk to people. If I go out with people I can't think of things to say and find small-talk difficult. I always end up thinking they don't like me or that I'm boring.

I don't know if these two things are related or not?

Recently I left my job and I've got a lot more free time, but just end up worrying about things and feeling like I don't want to go out or do anything.
Any suggestions or comments?

Thanks. x.

Krs · Aug 2, 2006, 08:37 AM

Hi Grace and welcome to AMHD :)

Has there been any incidents in your past that made you always feel negatively towards people?

Gracie98 · Aug 2, 2006, 09:37 AM

Hi Krs,

I'm not sure. I've had a couple of bad relationships with controlling or volatile men. My current partner seems nice though. My parents always used to argue when I was young and my Dad had depression for years. He was a policeman and had a very negative view of the world - he was quite strict. I often feel that women are wary of me because I am quite attractive and sing in a band. I feel they try to compete and often show that they are not 'real' friends by making *****y remarks or through their actions. I feel I always have to prove that I'm a nice person. Although I look it, I'm not really a girly-girl or competitive in any way, I'm quite down to earth, so it seems strange that they treat me that way. As I mentioned, I'm not good at relaxing and chatting in social settings so that probably doesn't help! All of this is probably not helped by the fact that I moved away from my family to a place where I don't know anyone and have just left my job.

Not sure if any of the above is relevant in any way. x.

orange · Aug 2, 2006, 10:18 AM

Gracie, there's several things that could be going on here, or a combination of different things, as you wondered. It could be that your past negative experiences with men have caused you some pain and trauma, and you are expressing it through these thoughts. Trauma can also cause people to isolate themselves from others, or feel inadequate socially. It could also be a reaction to stress, since you've had a few upheavals lately (moving to a new area, quitting your job). If the negative thoughts are constant, repeating, and difficult to control, and you also find that you are isolating yourself from people, it could be that you have developed a bit of an anxiety disorder, such as panic disorder or social anxiety. Some people with these conditions find it difficult to control their negative thoughts, even if the those around them reassure them that they are false. And panic disorder often develops for no apparent reason. It could also be a bit of depression, as with depression can come negative thinking.

The good news is, all of the things I've mentioned can be improved with a great deal of success. Excessive negative thinking, whether it be from stress or anxiety, can be controlled and eliminated with cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT), which basically involves "training" your mind to think differently, more realistically. It is possible to do this on your own, but if you are able to do it with a therapist who is trained in CBT, individually or as part of a group, that is ideal. This type of therapy has a very high success rate, and people often notice a great improvement after only about 6-8 weeks of work.

You mention that you are in a new area and don't have your job anymore. I don't know how you are spending your days, but if you spend a lot of time alone, that would definitely contribute to the negative thoughts and feelings as well. If you could find a club to join, perhaps a group of musicians, since you are in band, it might help. You could also do some volunteer work in an area you find interesting. The great thing about volunteer work is that you will meet people who share interests similar to yours, and you can work as little or as much as you want, without the pressure of a regular job.

Originally Posted by Gracie98

If I go out with people I can't think of things to say and find small-talk difficult. I always end up thinking they don't like me or that I'm boring.

I can totally relate to this. It was how I felt a lot of the time before I got married, when I went and tried to make friends. As I mentioned it could be anxiety (I suffered from that myself), but it also could be simply that you are meeting the "wrong" people. Maybe these people don't share your interests or talents, have a different level of education than you, etc. I found that when I finally met people who shared my interests and were on "my level", I made friends and interacted much more easily. It's not always possible to be good, "comfortable" friends with everyone, especially if you are talented in some way that makes you stand out.

Anyway I hope something I've said helped. I would also suggest going to your family physician for a check up just to be sure there is not something like mild depression or a thyroid problem, etc, going on here.

Take care, and come back and let us know how things are going for you!

valinors_sorrow · Aug 2, 2006, 05:19 PM

I think you have a really great post here from Chava talking about the deeper stuff which I totally agree with and would only like to add this: "What we focus on grows". Try making a gratitude list of all the positives about you and your life -- a balanced perspective is better able to solve things. And when you're done, pat yourself on the back because you just took your first little step in Cognitive Behavior Therapy, sort of! Congrats! :p

That and its possible in moving away from home, that you took the "part of home" with you that made the biggest impression on you but is sadly the worst part... understandably. But if that is indeed true, the cool thing is you can consciously decide to trade that part in for a better part of home to take with you, okay? That one may take making a list too, in order to refer to it often on your way to it becoming habitual thinking.

Just a few thoughts I hope are helpful.

Krs · Aug 3, 2006, 12:17 AM

Originally Posted by Gracie98

Hi Krs,

I'm not sure. I've had a couple of bad relationships with controlling or volatile men. My current partner seems nice though. My parents always used to argue when I was young and my Dad had depression for years. He was a policeman and had a very negative view of the world - he was quite strict. I often feel that women are wary of me because I am quite attractive and sing in a band. I feel they try to compete and often show that they are not 'real' friends by making *****y remarks or through their actions. I feel I always have to prove that I'm a nice person. Although I look it, I'm not really a girly-girl or competitive in any way, I'm quite down to earth, so it seems strange that they treat me that way. As I mentioned, I'm not good at relaxing and chatting in social settings so that probably doesn't help! All of this is probably not helped by the fact that I moved away from my family to a place where I don't know anyone and have just left my job.

Not sure if any of the above is relevant in any way. x.

Gracie98, the post that orange wrote is very informational.
I couldn't have said it better myself.

Good Luck
X

Gracie98 · Sep 7, 2006, 04:55 AM

Thanks guys,
What you have talked about makes sense and I will find the advice useful. I will look into Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. I've realised that some days I'm more able to control my thoughts than others. I've just had four 'good' days in a row and was starting to feel really positive again, more motivated and able to control my moods, but today is a bad day - hence why I'm back here reading the responses again! Today the thoughts are eating away and I feel its taking a lot of mental energy to unsuccessfully try and talk myself out of them. I'm asking my partner for a lot of re-assurance - having to do that makes me feel worse about it as well.
Hey ho. Thanks again for the good advice - reading has made me feel a bit better and optimistic!
x.

Krs · Sep 7, 2006, 05:02 AM

How often do you feel like this?

Gracie98 · Sep 7, 2006, 06:02 AM

Hi Krs,

I probably have a few worries and negative thoughts that I get anxious about every day. Some days I manage to distract myself or I can challenge them and tell myself that they're stupid and they go away. It varies - most of the time I have bad days about twice a week. If I've had an argument with my boyfriend or something's happens that I worry is 'evidence' that he doesn't care it can sometimes last about 3 days. Sometimes the bad spells help to cause more arguments, because my partner finds it difficult to cope with, so I feel more vulnerable and seem to have a couple of weeks where I feel bad most days. That happens about every two months. I occasionally have a good week where there's nothing or just one bad day.

Something silly can set it off - like this morning I realised that he hadn't texted me for two days running on his journey to work and I started getting really worried about the fact that he used to text every day on his way to work and now often doesn't. I felt it was 'a sign' that things have changed and I start fretting about it, getting really anxious. I worry that it means he doesn't think about me or is losing interest. Then his phone bill comes through and its really huge and I think 'why's it really big this time - is he calling someone a lot and not told me about it? - maybe another woman'. He emailed me the itemised bill (not cause I asked but because we want to see why our policy isn't working for us), but I felt really anxious opening it. I started looking for evidence that he's calling a number lots of times. He hadn't been, so then I worry that he's changed some of the entries on the spreadsheet before sending it to me, to hide something.

A big part of me knows that this is ridiculous and unjustified, but there's a niggling doubt. I have been let down in the past and I feel like I'm just waiting to be let down again. When I ask him for re-assurance I feel guilty and feel like such an irritation to him. Those feelings of guilt then add to the worries and anxiety - so I have a really low ****ty day.

Krs · Sep 7, 2006, 06:51 AM

You need to stop asking yourself these questions and also stop searching for answers that arnt there.

You need to learn how to chill out, I know its easier said than done.

I get like it when I'm PM'sing I need re-assurance all the time, all my insecurities comes out, I become so so indecissive its drive my man nuts.

I know yours is a different case scenario, but I get effected badly by this for at least 1 week each month.

I just try to overcome as best as I can.

Kanguru · Feb 16, 2009, 08:23 AM

Originally Posted by Gracie98

Hi, I am new to this forum.
I am feeling really low at the moment. I often feel that I am alone and find it difficult to trust people. Negative thoughts keep coming into my head, telling me that my boyfriend is lying to me, or seeing someone else, doesn't really love or care about me. I am constantly sub-consciously looking for evidence in his actions and interpreting what they mean. I can't help it. Most of the time I distance myself from the thoughts and deal with them myself, but sometimes I ask for re-assurance. On days where I ask loads it annoys him and he takes it personally, thinking I'm unhappy with him or that he isn't doing enough to show he cares. I know really that its all in my head, but the thoughts won't go away and keep bugging me.
I also feel really self-conscious when I go out with friends. I have just moved to a new area and find it hard to make friends and talk to people. If I go out with people I can't think of things to say and find small-talk difficult. I always end up thinking they don't like me or that I'm boring.

I don't know if these two things are related or not?!

Recently I left my job and I've got a lot more free time, but just end up worrying about things and feeling like I don't want to go out or do anything.
Any suggestions or comments?

Thanks. x.

I know this is stupidly late, but I'd just like to say that I feel exactly the same way. I personally have been diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder and OCD. The excessive rumination is a classic symptom of "Purely Obsessional" OCD, which is what I've got.

I know you probably won't read this, or have moved on from this issue, but I'd like you to know that you're not the only one! Certainly, since I'm dealing with this exact issue, it really did help me to see that someone else knew what I was going through.

So I suppose thanks are in order,

Thank you! =P

rational thinke · Feb 28, 2009, 09:15 AM

Hello. I was surfing the internet this am, and say your e-mail. I joined this site today, because I completely understand where you are, and I don't think is coincidence. I have been struggling with severe negative thoughts about myself for as long as I can remember. I've tried prayer and counseling. But, I received a revelation just last night, about this. No matter what we try, the negative thoughts will not, will not, will not, leave until we move them. I've heard so many times that I am suppose to nullify the negatives with something positive. Well, I tried that for about a hour with no success, so I disregarded that and looked for something, easier. The revelation: There is no, easier! Think about it, these negatives were formed over, possibly, many years of wrong thinking, whether we realized what was happening or not. So, my "rational thinker", told me: The way they were formed is the same way they're going to be unformed, which is my friend, to retrain them. There is absolutely no other way. Yes, it takes work, but, Love, we are soooooo worth it. Life is too good!! So, let's put forth the effort for our benefit. Don't fear the negative thoughts, but see them as your key to removing them. Use every negative thought to exercise your new way of thinking. I just started this today (thanks to my revelation), and my perspective is different. It's actually a treat, now. Do I know you. Of course, not. But in knowing you're a human being, I know you were created by God (whether you know or accept Him or not, matters not to me). You, I, we are awesome treasures. So, send the tormenting negative thoughts back to hell, from which they came. And, I'm not preaching to you, because I don't have to. I just know what I know and Who I know. Let's rock this thing together and see the heavens open up to us. I care about us. Bye my friend.

Illusion · Mar 1, 2009, 09:49 PM

Wow - some wonderful advice on this thread - very supportive of Gracie. I was just answering a question a few minutes ago and had suggested a book by Dr. David Burns, M.D. who is a psychiatrist who specializes in cognitive therapy. Any of his books are good because he gives you the basics and then goes on to explain how to use them. Any book that helps you feel better is great however, so have fun out there finding what is right for you.

jamie cotterill · Mar 4, 2009, 02:53 PM

Originally Posted by Gracie98

Hi, I am new to this forum.
I am feeling really low at the moment. I often feel that I am alone and find it difficult to trust people. Negative thoughts keep coming into my head, telling me that my boyfriend is lying to me, or seeing someone else, doesn't really love or care about me. I am constantly sub-consciously looking for evidence in his actions and interpreting what they mean. I can't help it. Most of the time I distance myself from the thoughts and deal with them myself, but sometimes I ask for re-assurance. On days where I ask loads it annoys him and he takes it personally, thinking I'm unhappy with him or that he isn't doing enough to show he cares. I know really that its all in my head, but the thoughts won't go away and keep bugging me.
I also feel really self-conscious when I go out with friends. I have just moved to a new area and find it hard to make friends and talk to people. If I go out with people I can't think of things to say and find small-talk difficult. I always end up thinking they don't like me or that I'm boring.

I don't know if these two things are related or not?!

Recently I left my job and I've got a lot more free time, but just end up worrying about things and feeling like I don't want to go out or do anything.
Any suggestions or comments?

Thanks. x.

:confused:

countrygirl71 · Apr 23, 2010, 03:21 PM

Krs,
Have you looked up the books about beyond negative thoughts in barney and noble store? That might help you to go and find the book you are looking for and have a peace of mind reading alone. I can't describe you everything what you went through and I went through excalt what you are going through right now. It is very hard to break the CBT because it is addiction that can ruin your relationship to a good man who loves you. You will lose him if you don't stop! Wish you all the best...

countrygirl71 · Apr 23, 2010, 03:21 PM

Krs,
Have you looked up the books about beyond negative thoughts in barney and noble store? That might help you to go and find the book you are looking for and have a peace of mind reading alone. I can't describe you everything what you went through and I went through excalt what you are going through right now. It is very hard to break the CBT because it is addiction that can ruin your relationship to a good man who loves you. You will lose him if you don't stop! Wish you all the best...