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    TeenDemo's Avatar
    TeenDemo Posts: 3, Reputation: 3
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    #1

    Apr 2, 2003, 04:58 PM
    Second thoughts
    Dear Experts,
    I'm eighteen, I have no support from my family, I don't have a decent job, I don't have a steady, or stable home, and I'm eight months pregnant. I already picked out a nice family that will be able to spoil him, and give him everything he'll ever need. So what's the problem right? I'm having second thoughts. I want to keep him. When I lie awake at night and he's kicking... I just can't stop crying, thinking about giving him to someone else. Someone else holding him all the time, going to him when he cries, calling him son, their baby, not mine. Will I be able to hold him, or will they just take him away, at the hospital? I know I have to give him up, for his own benefit. I'm just being selfish, with these thoughts. What's the best way to get over something like this, without going crazy?
    tnjcap1's Avatar
    tnjcap1 Posts: 11, Reputation: 1
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    #2

    Aug 2, 2003, 09:53 PM
    second thoughts
    I had my first daughter when I was 17. It was the hardest thing I have ever done and the scariest. I too had no support and there were some times I didn't think I'd make it but I kept her. 3 years after that I got married, got pregnant and went through a nasty divorce. My only option was to give my baby up for adoption. I knew there would be no way I could raise her and my other daughter alone knowing that her dad wouldn't be there. I won't lie to you, it was very hard but it was the best decision I ever made. I chose to have a open adoption so I got to know the adoptive parents very well. They were even in the delivery room when I had her. WE always keep in touch, talk on the phone, send pics. They are the nicest people and I knew I did the right thing. I am also adopted and 3 years ago I met my b-mom. We are very close. JUst make sure you chose the right people and that they would be open to your child meeting you in the future. I feel as thought my daughters parents are a part of my family. It's a nice feeling. JUst do what you feel is best.
    cmealy's Avatar
    cmealy Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Jul 12, 2004, 11:51 AM
    second thoughts
    33 years ago my wife and I adopted a little boy, and 2 years later adopted another boy. About a month ago, the birth mother of the younger son made contact with him, with his permission. This has raised questions for him, but also for us, hisparents, as well. We knew that this day might come sometime, but now that it is here, we must deal with it. How is the best way for us to be supportive of him and of his birth mother. I have e-mailed her several times, and want to be as supportive as possible. Any suggestions? Thanks for your help.
    amaki's Avatar
    amaki Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #4

    Jul 12, 2004, 05:52 PM
    second thoughts
    I had a similar problem cause that is what it becomes.
    But it's because we get jealous and want everything for ourselves ( hope your getting the picture ) but I had to cut some slack and left her to decide what she really wanted. At this very moment she is married has two children and the kids have 5 great grandparents. Just keep your hopes up.



    (forgive my spelling )
    mike145k's Avatar
    mike145k Posts: 123, Reputation: -1
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    #5

    Jul 1, 2005, 01:55 PM
    Well you have now learned a lesson not to screw around with out regards to what happens in the future go and seek help there are many single mother programs so you can have your baby and keep him or her they will help you. Do what you think is right and go back to school and get the power to change your life,and don't have anymore kids unless you can afford it
    fredg's Avatar
    fredg Posts: 4,926, Reputation: 674
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    #6

    Jul 2, 2005, 08:29 AM
    Baby
    Hi,
    It's a little late to "preach" to you, cause you already have learned a great deal from being pregnant, no place to go, no income, etc.
    I do wish you would talk with a support group near you for unwed mothers, or pregnant women. I am sure if you check out the phone book in your area, there is some kind of support group.
    You really, really need to talk with someone, to help you see you are not alone, and decide what you want to do.
    There is absolutely nothing I can offer as a suggestion; cause it's up to you.
    If you talk with others, in a group, or even some type of counselor, it will help you to make up your mind.
    Also, you didn't mention if you are a spiritual person or not, but you might consider going to a church, maybe some minister, etc, you know; and ask for advice. Until you talk with others, you might continue to have the feeling that nothing will work out right... which is wrong; it WILL.
    Best of luck,
    fredg
    s_cianci's Avatar
    s_cianci Posts: 5,472, Reputation: 760
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    #7

    Aug 31, 2005, 05:48 PM
    Nowadays most adoptions can be arranged so that the natural mother can be a part of the child's life. It is the most unselfish and loving thing that you can do, to allow him to be adopted by a loving family that is able to give him the upbringing that he needs. Please don't have any second thoughts when it comes to this. Talk to your attorney or social worker for further information.
    Jas1st's Avatar
    Jas1st Posts: 3, Reputation: 0
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    #8

    Sep 17, 2005, 06:46 PM
    KEEP YOUR BABY! Go on welfare if you have to. It's not about money.. it's about LOVE.
    fredg's Avatar
    fredg Posts: 4,926, Reputation: 674
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    #9

    Sep 18, 2005, 07:09 AM
    Adoption
    Hi,
    The other post saying "keep your baby, go on welfare" is something I hope you will not try to do.
    Since you don't have a "steady or stable home", as you put it, how in the world can a baby have a stable home in your environment? It can't.
    The other post about visitation with your baby is a good one. When you put the baby up for adoption, talk with the agency or person in charge to see if some arrangements can be made for you to visit.
    How do you get over this? You can't. The best you can hope for is to accept your dilemma, talk with other girls who are pregnant, in the same situation, maybe through a group effort (should be phone numbers in your local phone directory about free group talks), and just do your best.
    You will always remember this, and nothing will ever completely get it out of your mind. But, time will help heal all of this. You are not alone. At least 40% of all American girls are pregnant before the age of 20!
    Find a group, and talk with others; it can and will help you talking about it with those in the same situation.
    I do wish you the very best,
    fredg
    Jas1st's Avatar
    Jas1st Posts: 3, Reputation: 0
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    #10

    Sep 18, 2005, 08:24 AM
    Second thoughts reply
    Adoption is NOT the answer.. never was, never will be.

    There are pregnancy help centers... go to them. They can help you set up a place to live with your baby... help you with clothes for the baby, and things needed.

    Open adoption has also turned out sour for most girls. They always start open.. then the adopters leave the country without imforming you.
    If you adopt your baby out.. you will never see it again.
    If you have hopes of seeing/being part of your baby's life... then DO IT NOW. Not later.. later will never come for you.


    Take it from someone that's been there... done that... and still sorry for it to this day.

    Jas1st.
    rkim291968's Avatar
    rkim291968 Posts: 261, Reputation: 34
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    #11

    Sep 18, 2005, 01:42 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Jas1st
    KEEP YOUR BABY!! go on welfare if you have to. it's not about money.. it's about LOVE.
    Who's love are you talking about? Putting the baby up for adoption is the right thing to do. The new parents will LOVE the baby. In addition, THINK...

    ... What about the baby's well being and future?
    ... What about TeenDemo's future?
    ... What about the parents set to adopt the baby?

    You are giving an emotional advice to a confused young girl rather than thinking about what is right for the 4 people involved here: baby, TeenDemo, and the two people who will be adopting the baby.
    Jas1st's Avatar
    Jas1st Posts: 3, Reputation: 0
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    #12

    Sep 18, 2005, 07:04 PM
    OH I see you are an ADOPTIVE PARENT. The signs are all there.
    rkim291968's Avatar
    rkim291968 Posts: 261, Reputation: 34
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    #13

    Sep 18, 2005, 07:19 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Jas1st
    OH I see you are an ADOPTIVE PARENT. the signs are all there.

    :confused:
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7692
    Expert
     
    #14

    Jan 7, 2006, 06:10 PM
    Adoption
    I don't know if you are still reading this post, or what you decided to do. I was adopted, my birth month was @ 16 or 17 at the time and the father was a soldier. They tried the marriage and doing what was "suppoed" to be done but shortly after birth he left and she decided to place me up for adoption.

    I had a wonderful life, I was adopted by some wonderful parents. ( my father just passed away). Adoption is a great thing to do to bless another family.
    orange's Avatar
    orange Posts: 1,364, Reputation: 197
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    #15

    Jan 11, 2006, 09:01 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Jas1st
    KEEP YOUR BABY!! go on welfare if you have to. it's not about money.. it's about LOVE.
    Going on welfare just so you can keep a baby is a very poor choice. Yes you will have money to live on, but it will just be basic subsistance. You will have to live in a less than ideal neighborhood, and buying the necessities will be really tough. Mothers on welfare in the city where I live need to go to the food bank on a regular basis for milk and diapers. They can't afford warm clothes for their kids in winter, or toys for holidays and birthdays. Women on welfare are much more inclined to suffer from otherwise preventable illnesses and severe stress. Being on welfare also leaves you and your child vulnerable to violent men, not to mention, there is a real prejudice against people on welfare. Not saying it's right, but it's there. Nine times out of ten, you will be treated like a second class citizen. And worst of all, studies have shown that a child raised on welfare is very likely to end up on welfare themselves. Do you really want that for your child? A life of poverty? Think about it.

    You're probably thinking I'm a social worker... I'm not. My biological mother was on welfare, and so was I before I got taken into foster care. So I know first hand what it's like to wait in line on cheque day so that your mom can buy you some milk and oranges, and being excited about that... please don't do this to your child.
    bizygurl's Avatar
    bizygurl Posts: 522, Reputation: 110
    Senior Member
     
    #16

    Jan 11, 2006, 12:20 PM
    I can't imagine the confusion or the pain you must be going through. But like you said. You don't have a good job, stable home etc. Im sure that everymother who has given up a child for adoption has been through exactly what your going through at one time or another during the pregnancy. But you need to do what's best for your child. If you know in you heart that keeping him is going to be detrimental to his well being than do the right thing and give him a better life. You don't have to have complete isolation from the baby. Open end adoptions are a good thing to look into. If anything his adoptive parents could send you letters and photos of him as he grows up. It's a nice way of knowing how he is doing without completely being in the picture.
    beth10's Avatar
    beth10 Posts: 12, Reputation: 1
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    #17

    Jan 14, 2006, 04:10 PM
    I don't know if you're still reading this post. I know this must be the hardest thing but I would encourage you to keep you're baby . No one loves a baby like their mother I have a new baby myself. My mother had me at 16 teen she taught me that it was real hard I really admire her for being so strong and for raising me and my siblings by her self. I would agree with some who say find a church with a real clean living pastor a woman pastor might really help. There are also groups you can loook up . Habitat for humanity. Try the phone boook but don't do it alone you need help . I'm 25 and married so I don't know what it is to be their but again I'm glad my mom never gave me up you just never know what kind of home your sending your child into there have been so much bad cases of child abuse people are not alway's what they seem. I just want you to nknow I will be praying for you that the lord will give you strength in this hard time. :)
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7692
    Expert
     
    #18

    Jan 14, 2006, 04:24 PM
    Hard to get over
    First you will always miss them and at times pass a swing and wonder how they are. And years latter still have a tear to two. That is because you are a loving mothing, no matter what your age or income.

    But at times love means making some hard choices, ones that hurt but over time will be for the best. I am adopted, my mother was under 18 when I was born, the father in the Army and gone I believe before I came around.

    I searched and found my birth fathers family some years ago, I was listed in their family bible ( we talked over the phone and exchanged some pictures) my birth father passed away at 40 so we never meet.
    Women since they change last names are harder to find, so I have never found my birth mother who if still alive would be getting elderly now.

    But my REAL parents are my adopted parents, they were there when I was sick, there at my first hair cut, there when I had my first date and there to yell at me when I wrecked my first car.

    So the choice is yours, but adopted children are raised normally even better than others because they are chosen, special in so many ways.

    My wife and I have looked into adptopion ourselves but today you have to have a lot of money, a poor preacher does not stand a chance.
    So yes giving this baby to that loving family would be a great thing to do.

    But in the end what you do is your choice alone.

    I do thank you for having the baby, so many don't,

    God Bless
    satterwhite90650's Avatar
    satterwhite90650 Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #19

    Jan 24, 2006, 08:05 AM
    A selfless decision
    Of course your having second thoughts. I had to make the same difficult decision 3 years ago. When I was pregnant with my daughter I was torn. I wanted to keep her. I wasn't emotionally stable and her father even worse of then me at that time. He is now in federal prison serving a 6yr. Term. I picked a great couple talked to them on the phone. I wanted an open adoption so I could still see pics. Of her and still watch her grow up. I miss her every day and wish she was with me. And if I had to do it all over again. I would because I love her. Even though it was tough and still is . I did the right thing I know that in my heart. It will hurt when you leave that hospital alone , but you hold your head up and be proud of yourself for making the most selfless decision you'll ever make. Because you loved your child that much
    Mim's Avatar
    Mim Posts: 32, Reputation: 1
    Junior Member
     
    #20

    Mar 7, 2006, 08:03 AM
    3 months before I adopted my now 7 year old, God gave me a dream that a lady would give me a little brown baby boy with dark curly hair. I had never even applied for adoption. But when a phone call came one day and my friend on the other end of the line said her lawyer was looking for someone to adopt a baby that day, love for the child welled up in my heart. Within 2 hours all paper work had been signed and a background check was done on me and my husband within a couple days. A few days later the child was in our home. This is the short version of the story. I tell you this to give you hope that you chose the right path. My son knows of his birth mom, is glad that she listened to God, and wants to meet her one day. Fill your heart with hope and not dread, worry, remorse or fear. I am thankful for all women that make such hard decisions. I don't know if I could ever be that strong.

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