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    thoughtinew's Avatar
    thoughtinew Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Mar 12, 2007, 02:56 PM
    It's been almost a year, can I get my baby back?
    I am a birthmother and I suffer from depression and lost my husband 2 years before I placed my baby for adoption. I was so depressed and I was not on medication at the time I placed my child for adoption. What are the odds that I can get my child back. I am know on medication for depression and I think I would have made a different decision had I been on medication at the time. What are the odds that I could get my baby back?
    Synnen's Avatar
    Synnen Posts: 7,927, Reputation: 2443
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    #2

    Mar 12, 2007, 03:03 PM
    Very very low.

    There are very few instances where an adoption/relinquishment are reversed.

    I feel your pain. I placed my daughter for adoption almost 15 years ago. See a counselor about this, because you will be breaking a lot of hearts and causing a lot of emotional upheaval if you decide to go through with it. If after seeing a counselor (one who SPECIALIZES in adoption... you CAN find them) you still really want to cause that sort of upheaval in your child's life, then you need to consult a lawyer. However... you are looking at a very long, very hard fight. You might be better off working on having a good relationship with the adoptive family.
    grammadidi's Avatar
    grammadidi Posts: 1,182, Reputation: 468
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    #3

    Mar 12, 2007, 03:08 PM
    You need the advice of a very good lawyer, probably a family specialist. I am assuming that the child was adopted by someone. While I understand TOTALLY how you feel, do you think it will be in the child's best interests to uproot him/her again? I imagine the new parents would fight to keep the child and a court case could drag out for quite some time. By that point, the baby would be so deeply bonded with the new parents I worry about the effects it might have if you did win your case eventually.

    I wonder if there are any other alternatives worth pursuing, such as an involvement with the child?

    My heart goes out to you, it really does. It is such a difficult decision. I think you should have been encouraged not to make any rash decisions at the time and they should have suggested temporary foster care with liberal visitation.

    Hugs, Didi
    s_cianci's Avatar
    s_cianci Posts: 5,473, Reputation: 760
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    #4

    Mar 12, 2007, 06:10 PM
    Has your child been adopted by anyone? If so, then it's going to be very hard to get him/her back. You may be able to get visitation rights but to get custody after someone else has legally adopted him/her is a losing battle. They will no doubt fight you to the death and their lawyer would have a field day with your past and your neglect to take necessary medications, etc.
    grammadidi's Avatar
    grammadidi Posts: 1,182, Reputation: 468
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    #5

    Mar 12, 2007, 09:23 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by s_cianci
    ...and their lawyer would have a field day with your past and your neglect to take necessary medications, etc.
    With all due respect... initial post said she suffers from depression and was not on medication at the time. This doesn't mean she neglected to take necessary medications! Perhaps she wasn't diagnosed at the time. Seeing as she had recently lost her husband, I think that their lawyer would be raked over the coals for even attempting to use her depression as a reason to deny her. I also think your comment regarding the lawyer having a field day with her past was pretty presumptuous. What exactly did you glean about her past in her original post?

    Didi
    Synnen's Avatar
    Synnen Posts: 7,927, Reputation: 2443
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    #6

    Mar 12, 2007, 10:14 PM
    Whether she was diagnosed... the lawyer WOULD have a field day with it.

    We are talking about a couple that jumped through all of the hoops and paid a LOT of money to have this child in their lives. There is a REASON why when you sign away your parental rights, they check and double check that you understand what you are giving away.

    With that being said... there's no way to tell someone what you're giving up. You're giving up EVERYTHING. Most of the time, at the time it's all happening, all you can think of is that someone will love and take care of your baby in a way you can't.
    You're not thinking of missing the first step, the first word, the fact that your child will probably NEVER call you any version of "mom". There is not enough mandatory counseling before relinquishment, because no one wants you to change your mind. Adoption is big business, and there is a lot of money floating into it.

    That's not to say that adoption is bad--while I regret that I never see my daughter, I can't regret that she has a family that loves her and cares for her in a way I could not have at the time.

    This could turn into a very interesting discussion about adoption, but that's not the point in this thread.

    Again, to the OP... see a counselor! Please, please, please talk to someone you trust about this. Talk to a doctor, talk to a lawyer, talk to a counselor. I am absolutely positive that you are just now starting to realize what it is you signed away, and you need to get advice on how to proceed for your own self-interest and for the interests of your child.
    Walton06's Avatar
    Walton06 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Mar 21, 2007, 10:22 AM
    I know how you feel; I'm going through the same thing right now! I adopted my child to my mother after I confirmed in my mind I could never raise this child the way my mother could. After a lot of counseling I realized those thoughts I had were lies. The odd thing is after I signed my papers I changed my mind just a few days later but my mother told me it was too late and I believed her. After about a year or so I start looking more into this and find out I should've had a lawyer with me while signing the papers, I should've had an open adoption since it was with my mother. But I don't even get to see my son alone! She's afraid I tell him things because when I spend time with him and leave he rebels and says things that she thinks is fabricated by me. I just want my son back AT LEAST visitation rights. I'm going to fight this, she even once told me she thinks my son is better off with me but then she lets her own emotions get in the way and backs out! Let me know your process! My email is ak_mn_wi@yahoo.com I'd love to hear from you and offer support. In my case my little boy is 3 now and getting older! I've been trying to fight this on my own for 2 years but now am seeking legal help. I was advised to work this out between my mom but all she does is tell me things I want to hear to shut me up for the time being.
    Illusion's Avatar
    Illusion Posts: 195, Reputation: 33
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    #8

    Apr 15, 2007, 01:11 AM
    Because you decided to relinquish your rights - that does not mean that your rights cannot be reinstated. You are the birth Mother. You need to find an Attorney that specializes in adoption. You have sufficient informaton to suggest that at the time the decision was made you were suffering mental anguish because of the death of your husband. You have since recovered, are taking medication for depression (which could be a result of your loss), and can petition the Court to reinstate your rights. A trial or preliminary hearing would decide whether your petition can or could be considered. That you had depression does not deem you an unfit parent. In some cases, it would actually help your case to show that you could not have made the right decision at the time.

    It sounds like you have been through a lot. Get a consultation with an Attorney and find out how to go about this. Take care.
    Synnen's Avatar
    Synnen Posts: 7,927, Reputation: 2443
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    #9

    Apr 23, 2007, 07:35 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by motherof1
    I have something to say to all of you who wrote this suggesting that she get a lawyer. Did any of you think about this child??? I have had my nephew since he was 22 days old I am the only MOMMY that he knows. Do you know your child or anything about them. It is over my dead body that my sister is getting this baby boy back. It has been almost 2 years since I have had him. Why dont you stop to think about your child and how it will affect the child and the people you want to take the child away from

    Excuse me... but you just made me angry.

    Did you even READ my post, aside from the "get a lawyer" part?

    I'm a birthmother, who has known where my daughter lived right from the beginning, and I've NEVER gone to see her there, and I'd NEVER take her away from her "real" parents.

    In your situation, you KNOW what was going on with your sister. You don't know what was going on with the original poster here. How would you like it if someone coerced you or someone you love into giving up a child so some "desperate loving couple"? How would you like it if they LIED to you, and your child was still young enough to not remember in a year who they stayed with as an infant?

    Sounds to me like you've bought into the propaganda they spread about adoption.
    Illusion's Avatar
    Illusion Posts: 195, Reputation: 33
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    #10

    Apr 23, 2007, 08:57 PM
    This Mother is entitled under the law to petition a Court of law about reinstating her parental rights. In almost every single case in which the birth Parents petitioned the Court - they had their parental rights reinstated. This has been true on many of the cases I have worked on, regardless of what motivated the relinquishment. In several cases, the Court did not even allow a transition period, the child had to be returned immediately following the end of a trial and order made by the Judge. And you should know that the Court is always well aware of how long a child has lived with a caretaker. The laws in the United States are made to favor the birth family.

    This Mother has more than a chance to regain custody of her child. She has every right to have her day in Court and to be heard in a Court of law. She has no obligation to try and "protect" other people and to be concerned for their feelings, if she truly wants and is ready to care for her child.

    As strongly as you feel, Synnen - your choice is not the only choice - and not right for everyone. You have made assumptions in your responses that are incorrect. It is not right to scare and manipulate this Mother to your point of view. You need to recognize that other people have different ideas/feelings from you and that others have the right to make their own life choices.
    Synnen's Avatar
    Synnen Posts: 7,927, Reputation: 2443
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    #11

    Apr 24, 2007, 09:54 AM
    I've been thinking about this all morning.

    The "assumptions" I have made have been based on being in birthparent support groups over the last 12 years or so. In not ONE case, aside from those that were highly publicized (Baby M, for example), have I ever heard of custody being given back to the birthparents after BOTH birthparents signed over their parental rights.

    I agree that everyone is entitled to their point of view, but the person who I quoted was in a completely different position than the original poster. She was in a position to know what was going on both with the adoptive family AND the birthfamily--since they were the SAME family.

    Illusion, if you know of adoption cases that have been turned over AFTER relinquishment papers were signed by BOTH birthparents, I'd love to hear about them. Please post links to these cases!

    From my point of view, the laws in the US are slanted towards the adoptive parents--they can promise the world to the birthparents, but once those papers are signed, there is NOTHING to legally bind them to anything they said to get that baby in their arms. I've heard literally HUNDREDS of stories about adoptive parents that backed out of agreements with birthparents as soon as they got the baby - and there is nothing out there to hold them to it.

    I'm not trying to scare or manipulate anyone. I'm trying to point out that from every experience I've ever heard of, getting parental rights reinstated after voluntarily relinquishment is next to impossible. I would LOVE for this mother to get her parental rights back, especially if she were coerced. I HOPE she gets a good lawyer, and that she's at least allowed contact with her child, if not custody.

    I do NOT, however, want a precedent set of someone just "changing their mind" and getting their children back after a few years. That idea just ruins lives--especially the lives of the children involved.

    Like I said... I am not trying to manipulate or scare anyone. I'm trying to be realistic. I'm not trying to be discouraging. I'm trying to point out that there is a long road ahead of her. And I'm not making any more assumptions than anyone else about this situation. Obviously, no one has the entire story except the original poster, and we have not heard back from her for more clarification.
    Confuzzledmonkey's Avatar
    Confuzzledmonkey Posts: 48, Reputation: 1
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    #12

    Apr 24, 2007, 10:18 AM
    Why don't you first try and meet with the legal parents of your new child, and first see if your child wants to go back to you or if the family has a very good relationship.

    Maybe if you do lose the court case try talking to the people that adopted your child see if you can see your child once a week, or visit them sometimes, maybe becoming an aunty figure in your child's life and once they are old enough to understand explain it to them.

    If you do win your court case also let the child see the "parents" because just making a break life that will upset him or her very much.
    Allheart's Avatar
    Allheart Posts: 1,639, Reputation: 436
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    #13

    Apr 24, 2007, 02:11 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Illusion
    As strongly as you feel, Synnen - your choice is not the only choice - and not right for everyone. You have made assumptions in your responses that are incorrect. It is not right to scare and manipulate this Mother to your point of view. You need to recognize that other people have different ideas/feelings from you and that others have the right to make their own life choices.
    First, to all of you beautiful women on this thread, my goodness, this is a subject that just pulls at the heart. The one thing that just perminates off each post, is the love for the child. I think that is a great common denominator.

    Illusion - you have given some incredible and very informative information that will no doubt help the OP. I do have to politely disagree with your take on Synnen's response. I see, in no way, was she trying to "scare" the OP into seeing things her way. Think that was a bit unfair Illusion and off target. Synnen, also gave incredible insight and shared her views , which, to me, is beneficial as well, considering Synnen has a great deal of experience in this area as well. Illusion, I think if you read back your above comments, I think you will agree, that you may have misread and misunderstood Synnen's heartfelt intentions of genuinely helping the OP.

    To all of you again, I admire, respect and feel for each of you, no matter what side of the choice you were or are on.
    frien's Avatar
    frien Posts: 1, Reputation: -1
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    #14

    Jul 8, 2007, 11:23 PM
    Hey guess what? You are being selfish and terrible.

    Adoption was a wonderful decision for at least three lives, and now you decide that you want to play mommy and rip apart a happy family.


    Go get knocked up again.
    don8's Avatar
    don8 Posts: 75, Reputation: 16
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    #15

    Jul 9, 2007, 12:24 PM
    It is natural to have these thoughts but I know as an adopted person that the best decision my birthmom made was to give me up and she tried to get me back and failed but I would have hated her if she had because I love my parents. She would have ruined my life. I am glad I stayed with my adopted parents. Give this some thought before you do anything because it may do your child more harm than good to disrupt her/ his life.
    startover22's Avatar
    startover22 Posts: 2,758, Reputation: 363
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    #16

    Jul 9, 2007, 01:20 PM
    I think a good therapist and some hard thinking will put you more in line with what you really want. Start that first and come here for support through out. If you have already made up your mind, just know that it would be a big nasty fight when you start and end. In my opinion taking child away from his or her mother is the worst possible way to go. Finding yourself and starting a new life would be a better idea. You gave your baby a wonderful thing. A life, with loving caring people. I know it can be uncomfotable to think about it but you gave your baby a gift. I am proud of you for that. I am also happy that you are one with feelings of wanting the baby back, if you didn't have these feelings, you wouldn't be a kind human being. You still have many more things to look forward to, lets find out what they are honey. Only my opinion, everyone of us has an opinion and everyone of us has the right to say it out loud. I am sending a great big hug in your direction and you will be in my thoughts. Good luck.
    Karmalarma's Avatar
    Karmalarma Posts: 14, Reputation: 1
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    #17

    Jul 31, 2007, 04:25 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by thoughtinew
    I am a birthmother and I suffer from depression and lost my husband 2 years before I placed my baby for adoption. I was so depressed and I was not on medication at the time I placed my child for adoption. What are the odds that I can get my child back. I am know on medication for depression and I think I would have made a different decision had I been on medication at the time. What are the odds that I could get my baby back?
    I am a birth mother and no one ever ever told me within a year you can change your mind and get your child back. I have since heard this , that you have up to one year to change your mind, if you want your child back DO IT NOW before its too late, Im telling you it is too late for me , my daughter is 28 and I probably will never meet her, it kills you from the inside out you are never the same, you can't sleep sometimes and it affects ALL your relationships. You can never trust anyone because the people you thought you could trust as in your parents who sometimes lie for their own benefit. Other people will never know what it feels like to lose a child this way, I think even death of a child may be easier than this. When people say its for the good of the child they are lying, the best thing for a child is to be with their own birth parents unless there is extreme abuse going on. I am telling you don't make the same mistake as me, I will forever till the day I die feel a big black hole in my soul that will never be filled.
    GV70's Avatar
    GV70 Posts: 2,918, Reputation: 283
    Family Law Expert
     
    #18

    Sep 2, 2007, 12:38 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Illusion
    This Mother is entitled under the law to petition a Court of law about reinstating her parental rights. In almost every single case in which the birth Parents petitioned the Court - they had their parental rights reinstated. This has been true on many of the cases I have worked on, regardless of what motivated the relinquishment.
    Almost true,almost... The Court may reinstate parental rights of a birth parent ONLY if the child has not been adopted yet. If the child was adopted I cannot see how it will be possible to be done.
    ashley624's Avatar
    ashley624 Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #19

    Nov 30, 2008, 08:41 AM
    Comment on frien's post
    Your so rude have you been in this position ? NO so you wouldn't know ho she feels
    ashley624's Avatar
    ashley624 Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #20

    Nov 30, 2008, 08:44 AM
    Comment on don8's post
    You have no idea what your mom was going threw I gave up my kid he's now 3 months and I want him back ever since the day at the hospital but I thought I would feel bad trieng to get him back but now I'm going threw depression I think about it everyday

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