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    rochat's Avatar
    rochat Posts: 11, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Jun 15, 2012, 08:33 PM
    Finding family
    Hi. I am trying to help my boyfriend look for any relative related to his birth parents. He was taken away at birth and is now 34. He has tried for over ten year's to locate anyone. We have enough information to where it should be easy however, we keep hitting a wall. We have names. Old addresses. Social security number. Death certificate. Only once we get somewhere thr is a fee. Can anyone please advise me where to go. I've tried everything and I want to stop but his sad eyes and telling me one thing he wants to do before he dies is to look in the mirror and know where he came from. Who he is. Breaks my heart and I will do what I can to help him all advice welcomed
    Synnen's Avatar
    Synnen Posts: 7,927, Reputation: 2443
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    #2

    Jun 15, 2012, 08:46 PM
    Has he registered on reunion websites, such as adoption.org, adoption.com and ISRR?
    rochat's Avatar
    rochat Posts: 11, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Jun 15, 2012, 08:58 PM
    Adoption. Com yes. Reunions. Yes. Facebook. Yes .org? Not yet. Will do. Thank you for your response its been so hard.
    Synnen's Avatar
    Synnen Posts: 7,927, Reputation: 2443
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    #4

    Jun 15, 2012, 09:57 PM
    Honestly, if his birthparents are not also looking for him, his options are EXTREMELY limited. Especially if you're not willing to hire a licensed private investigator.

    But here's the thing--has he talked to anyone about this? Is he going to have an intermediary do the initial outreach if he DOES find them? What happens if they do not want contact?

    He needs to be prepared for the bad outcomes of this as well as the good outcomes.
    rochat's Avatar
    rochat Posts: 11, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Jun 15, 2012, 10:05 PM
    [QUOTE=Synnen;3154832]Honestly, if his birthparents are not also looking for him, his options are EXTREMELY limited. Especially if you're not willing to hire a licensed private investigator.

    But here's the thing--has he talked to anyone about this? Is he going to have an intermediary do the initial outreach if he DOES find them? What happens if they do not want contact?

    He needs to be prepared for the bad outcomes of this as well as the goodoutcomes.[/QUOTE. Honestly. The information that we have pulled up were always to late. According to the internet his dad. Gma. Mom are deceased. He is prepared for whatever the out come. Nothing can be worse than not knowing. We have aunt names and that's where it stops. He just wants to know a little about who he is. N he is expecting the worst. In my case I had a family n lost it. I look at him and to never knew it just has to be the worst. I want to help him find something.
    Synnen's Avatar
    Synnen Posts: 7,927, Reputation: 2443
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    #6

    Jun 15, 2012, 10:35 PM
    He HAS a family--his adopted family!

    Please don't negate that, because his birthmother certainly didn't take that family lightly.

    I understand wanting to know, but remember that his birth family might not even know he exists.
    rochat's Avatar
    rochat Posts: 11, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Jun 15, 2012, 11:20 PM
    Ok. Here is the thing. Have you ever heard of adoptive parent cases that do it for the free moneu and not the welfare of the kid? And get away with it? His life was not roses. No I'm here to protect you. As a little boy it was more lik you are not part of our family and I'm going to treat you as such. Every situation is different. Lik I said he wasn't given given away. He was taken. The mom was 16. He deserves to find peace in his heart. I will do what I can. To help him find the truth. I just need advice. Not trying to elaborate on the life he had to live.QUOTE=Synnen;3154848]He HAS a family--his adopted family!

    Please don't negate that, because his birthmother certainly didn't take that family lightly.

    I understand wanting to know, but remember that his birth family might not even know he exists.[/QUOTE]
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    rochat Posts: 11, Reputation: 1
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    #8

    Jun 15, 2012, 11:42 PM
    His father died while mom was pregnant with him. His mom gave birth to him in jail. Cps took him. And from thr it was over. He went to a family who mistreated him. We don't judge a 16 year old especially 17 years ago. My concern is for my boyfriend. And him trying to get information to be comfortable with who he is.
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    rochat Posts: 11, Reputation: 1
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    #9

    Jun 15, 2012, 11:51 PM
    Typo 33.
    Quote Originally Posted by rochat View Post
    His father died while mom was pregnant with him. His mom gave birth to him in jail. Cps took him. And from thr it was over. He went to a family who mistreated him. We dnt judge a 16 year old especially 17 years ago. My concern is for my bf. And him trying to get information to be comfortable with who he is.
    J_9's Avatar
    J_9 Posts: 40,299, Reputation: 5646
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    #10

    Jun 16, 2012, 12:16 AM
    Have you ever heard of adoptive parent cases that do it for the free moneu and not the welfare of the kid?
    What free money? Adoptive parents don't get "free moneu." Now, foster parents do, but adoptive parents do not.

    I too understand his wanting to know. My husband is adopted as are two of his siblings. His sister found her birth mother and the result was tragic for both of them.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,302, Reputation: 7692
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    #11

    Jun 16, 2012, 04:12 AM
    He finds peace in his heart by learning to be happy with who he IS< not who he was, or who he may be.

    He goes to counseling to a professional that works with adoptive kids, that learn they don't need to know who the birth parents are, since they were never part of his life, they were not his real parents.

    I counsel kids all the times, many the ones that found their parents, and are spit on, cursed out or more for ruining their parents lives for finding them. Or the ones that destroy their real parents lives ( adopted parents) by rejecting them to search for a mystic parent that is mostly made up in their minds.
    Synnen's Avatar
    Synnen Posts: 7,927, Reputation: 2443
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    #12

    Jun 16, 2012, 10:29 AM
    ADOPTIVE parents don't get free money. EVER.

    It's so incredibly expensive to adopt that it's not even funny.

    If he was NOT adopted, but instead placed with a foster family, the way he searches is completely different. He has access to more records that way.

    However, if you are just doing a people search and not an adoption search---you may be better off just paying a licensed private investigator a fee to find who you are looking for.

    I do suggest counseling, though. Who your boyfriend is--that's who he is. Finding biological family isn't going to change that or complete anything for him.

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