Hello,

I'm an adoptee. I want to meet my biological parents but I'm afraid that they don't want to see me. I feel a little bit unwanted because they gave me away. I also don't dare to talk to my adoptive parents about meeting my biological parents. I'm afraid that they'll think that I'm ungrateful. I really don't know what to do and I'm thinking of this at almost every moment on every day. I hope someone has advice for me!

Thanks, Vincent.

P.S. I'm sorry for my bad English.

Why do you want to meet them ?

Have you found out who they are and where they are at ?

Are they still together as a couple.

If you feel you "have to" and I personally don't recommend it. You do it though a third party, a religious leader a couselor, or at least a trusted friend.

More reunions are not like the TV reunions, a bio parent may curse at you, tell you that you have ruined their life looking for them.
If the women is remarried, her new husband may not know and it could even cause serious marriage issues if it comes out.

I have seen cases where a bio parent may even file protective orders to keep the person away from them.

Besides being the ones that gave birth, they have never been part of your life, and there are 1000's of reasons.

How old are you?

That makes a HUGE difference on how I answer your question.

I just turned 15.

I want to meet them because I'm curious. I mean, I want to know who they are, if I look like them and stuff. My ap's have a little bit information about them. Their names and where they lived at the time. I don't know if they still are together as a couple. Why should I make contact through a third party? I know that I may get dissapointed, but my life does not feel complete or something. I don't know how to explain. I also want to know why they gave me up for adoption. You know, if they just didn't want me that'd really hurt me. But I'd rather know that than knowing nothing.

You can't do ANYTHING without your adoptive parents until you are 18.

We cannot help you search, either, because it is illegal to help a minor search unless you are the parent.

You NEED to talk to your adoptive parents. They may have more information than you think. They may also understand more than you think they do.

You should also ask them about counseling. I recommend that EVERY part of the adoption triad go through counseling to understand their own feelings and the kinds of feelings other people in the triad go through. The problem is that people seem to think that adoptees shouldn't have that schism with their feelings when obviously they DO. Counseling can help with that, especially with a counselor that specializes in adoption situations.

But please do talk to your adoptive parents. They love you and want you to be happy. It may be hard to talk about at first, but it's obvious that you would have questions and they are the people you should go to for answers. Make sure to reassure them that you love them, but this is an aspect of who you are that you need to know more about.

I don't know if this is really an answer to your question but I hopefuly can give you a heads up. I was also adopted and was at birth. My whole life I also always had tha desire to find my birth parentts. 1st off I have to say I never stopped and thought about all the negative could bes as frchuck mentioned. He has some good points I just kind of lucked out that my situation didn't end out like that. But is definitely not like they show on TV.. I found my birth mom after a long long search. Honestly was disapointed lol however even though I have known her now for almost ten yrs I still can't see her as my mom. My mom is the one that spent my whole life supporting me mentaly and physically. Remember that. I think it did stress her out when I was looking for my bloodline cause I think she was scared that I wouldn't see her for who she s to me.
I personaly know from both sides of the tree cause I at 27 have adopted a son of my own and I know what the mothers selfconscience can be like when one wants to look for their "real" parents (even though my boy isn't but 10 months ) I still know the feeling. Cause I am the real parent! I suggest you talk to your parents about your curiosty cause it is normal, believe me its normal. But watch how you say things like "real" and "my mom" etc. Because havng and adopted son he is the biggest blessing to me that anyone could ever give. Your birth mom werthr willing or by order did one of the most selfless thing and gave the bigest gift anyone could ask for. Remebr. You are a special child.. u gave your parents joy that couples wait a life time to get and some never get that gift. Good luck and let me know if you have any questions since I have alread been through it

Until you know the circumstances of your adoption this is a totally wrong attitude. You have no clue how hard it is for a parent, especially a mother, to give away a child she carried for 9 months. In the vast majority of times, giving up a child for adoption is an act of love because the parents want something better for their child than they can provide.

I am an adoptive parent and my son is 16, and just recently expressed an interest in meeting his birth parents. I had stayed in touch with them as part of the adoption plan and have been able to connect him via email with his birth mother. His birth father is not responding to requests to meet or even correspond with my son.

If your parents have not been open about your adoption, sharing all the information they have, sharing photos with your birth family and the like over the years, I expect they will be nervous about your request to know more but you do need to start by bringing the subject up with them.

It can help if you make clear to them, "I am not looking for them instead of you or as equal to you of course - I know you are my real parents in every way that matters. But I have questions I'd like answered, and would like to be able to ask them and if there's a way I can connect with them, I'd like to do so".

It might be helpful if you indicate for example that you'd like to keep your address and last name private until everyone is comfortable sharing that information - your parents may have fears about sharing this information. My son is not permitted to share this information with his birth family until he is 18. We set up a dedicated email address, and he may even meet them, but we are not sharing our address, the name of his high school or the town we live in with them until he is an adult, and then it will be his decision.

Your parents will be concerned about losing you to these people, who are really strangers, about you potentially liking them better, about being replaced. They will also be concerned about these people setting inappropriate examples, or undermining their parenting, or potentially trying to take you. They will be worried about the emotional impact on you if the reunion goes poorly, and the impact if the birth family live disfunctional lives, such as with drugs, alcohol, or other irresponsible behaviors.

All you can do is talk it through. Recommend that you do though because if this is a compelling need for you, I do not think it will go away, and even if the reunion is bad, you may just need to have that experience as part of your answer.

Respect your parents if they want you to wait until you are 18 - that is a common requirements parents set.

Gah, I hate the term "real" when it is applied to parents.

If I had known that I was going to be relegated to "imaginary" by everyone because I didn't raise my child, I sincerely doubt I would have chosen adoption for her.

Please have the decency to use the correct terms regarding adoption--there are adoptive parents and biological or birth parents. There are no REAL parents.

Stay strong I want to do the same I'm doped to and I want to know who I look like more. Where you in foster care before you where put up for adoption? My foster parents said that every biological parents had the number of their child so if they want ed tot hey could contact you but they might be scared to call because they think you are having a great time and don't want to disturb the family.That didn't stop me form wondering who I really am I can't talk to my adoptive parents about my adoption at all they just ignore me so I decided iw will wait till I'm 18 when I get my adoption papers

This is VERY wrong. Biological parents do NOT have contact information for their child in the majority of cases.

This is absolutely not correct in the vast majority of cases. You don't automatically get your adoption papers. In fact, the vast majority of adoptions are sealed.

Where are you, State or Country?