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    sugarqueen's Avatar
    sugarqueen Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Jun 14, 2012, 11:17 PM
    Can I get custody of my boyfriend's niece?
    Hi. My bf's niece doesn't have a happy home life, and I believe she would be better off living with us. We have been together for 9 years and lived together for 6 or 7.

    Of course we'd have to get a bigger apt as the one we live in now is fairly small for just the 2 of us and my pets. The mother is out all the time and screams at her daughter a lot and allegedly locks her daughter in a closet I think as a time out.

    My bf's niece absolutely loves me and even called me "Mommy" recently and I joked saying "I'm not your mommy" lol and she said "I want you to be my mommy". It's kind of sad that someone so young (She's incredibly smart, and only almost 5!) notices/realizes that her mom is not home a lot (her parents take care of her most of the time as she still lives at home) and she does get to see her dad but he gets into a lot of trouble for various things.

    I don't want to cause any problems or risk having her put in foster care and possibly not seeing her again. I also don't want the parents to retaliate against me as they have anger problems and they can be very violent people.

    My boyfriend and I have had several major blowouts throughout our relationship and they have been scary-his niece actually witnessed him kind of hit me in the face (because I was trying to pop a pimple or something) and she said "Uncle hit Auntie" I left his mom's apt and walked home. She was bawling when I left.. she's probably used to seeing people who are supposed to love her, leave her so often because ever since she was born she's been handed over to either my boyfriend and myself, my bf's mom, and/or his niece's grandparents.

    She's not a stable child and has some separation anxiety and gets extremely jealous.. one time when his niece came with us to a playground, his best friends, his girlfriend and their daughter were at his bff's parents' house and I was putting on his bff's daughter coat on and she said "THAT'S MY AUNTIE!" which is kind of cute but also kind of a little alarming/disturbing.

    I love that she feels safe with me and I give her a lot of hugs and kisses and I constantly tell her I love her and "Even if Auntie gets mad at you, remember I will always love you" I asked her one time (when she was jealous at a little girl for being closer to me) "Do you think that girl will take me away from you?" She said "Yes" I said baby, no one will take me away from you, and I can't go with her anyway she has her own parents etc.

    I would absolutely LOVE to adopt her even though she can be very tough to deal with but I feel she'd have a better life with us. Sorry for rambling but this is a touchy subject.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,769, Reputation: 5427
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    #2

    Jun 14, 2012, 11:34 PM
    I'm not sure I understand. You and your boyfriend want custody of this little girl, yet "my bf and I have had several major blowouts throughout our relationship and they have been scary"? Where is the safe haven in this?
    EveryonesMaMa's Avatar
    EveryonesMaMa Posts: 10, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Jun 15, 2012, 12:16 AM
    There are a lot of children out there in the same or even worse situations but you wanting custody just because you think its hard for her to life with her parents as abusive as they might be, don't mean nothing first you an you BF need to be married an can be able to support this child without public assistance. Then you will have to live in a home where the child has her own room. Then the child's parents can make it easy an sign custody to you an or your BF. Or you will have to go to court an provide evidence the justifies they are not capable to care for this girl! Which means it is nearly impossible to prove a parent don't have the right to care for their child as they please! As long as that child is eating, has a place to live an medical care while in school! You can prove nothing... sorry but it is the truth! Good luck with everything
    EveryonesMaMa's Avatar
    EveryonesMaMa Posts: 10, Reputation: 1
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    #4

    Jun 15, 2012, 12:24 AM
    And if you do go through with it, there is a strong possibility that she will be put in the system an never seen again! The question is! Is it worth it? If you go along an see to what you want to do. If you don't get the child an she stays with the parents they mostly won't let you see her again! I think it would be better to keep it the way it is unless she is being abused or neglected. Cause at least when she runs away from home she most likely would come to you if you keep a good relationship with her! My best wishes for a good out come...
    sugarqueen's Avatar
    sugarqueen Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Jun 17, 2012, 05:03 PM
    Wondergirl, you are right.. my boyfriend and I have bad fights and that is not healthy for any child. Her parents fight worse then us.. this girl has been locked in a closet as a punishment, she says they hit her, the parents do drugs-possibly cocaine and def pot, she JUST started daycare a little while ago, and at around 2 years old, began humping things and got sexually aroused, saying "If mommy and daddy can do 'bum bum', why can't I?" It was very disturbing. I don't think I would ever try to get custody of her because Everyone's Mama, you are right, I love her and love spending time with her, and would not want to see her get taken away. I don't think my boyfriend and I would have to get married to adopt her as single people adopt children all the time, but if it ever came down to it, where something happened (not from my doing) and she was removed, I would try to adopt/take care of her. We aren't in a good financial situation right now but we have a lot of love for her.

    Thanks for the responses.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,277, Reputation: 7690
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    #6

    Jun 17, 2012, 05:10 PM
    Is her parent or guardian willing to sign over guardianship to you, that is about the only way it can happen.

    And with your family life, I am not sure it would be a good thing for sure, until you stop having any blow outs
    sugarqueen's Avatar
    sugarqueen Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Jun 17, 2012, 05:18 PM
    Fr Chuck, I highly doubt they would sign over guardianship to me/us. I have made comments about DCYF in the past to the mother (she was 16 when she got pregnant) and she told me she was nervous about that because she herself was in the system because of "fighting" (yeah right) and she said it's very hard to get them out of her life (DCYF) This little girl gets shuffled back and forth and doesn't live in any one place every night. I don't know if she has her own room or what, but one night she'll be with her dad, and other nights at her mom's parents house. She has major attachment and abandonment issues. I pray for her :(
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,505, Reputation: 4600
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    #8

    Jun 17, 2012, 06:05 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by sugarqueen View Post
    Wondergirl, you are right..my bf and I have bad fights and that is not healthy for any child. Her parents fight worse then us..this girl has been locked in a closet as a punishment, she says they hit her, the parents do drugs-possibly cocaine and def pot, she JUST started daycare a little while ago, and at around 2 years old, began humping things and got sexually aroused, saying "If mommy and daddy can do 'bum bum', why can't I?" It was very disturbing. I don't think I would ever try to get custody of her because Everyone's Mama, you are right, I love her and love spending time with her, and would not want to see her get taken away. I don't think my bf and I would have to get married to adopt her as single people adopt children all the time, but if it ever came down to it, where something happened (not from my doing) and she was removed, I would try to adopt/take care of her. We aren't in a good financial situation right now but we have a lot of love for her.

    Thanks for the responses.

    The rule usually is married for a period, a stable marriage.

    Yes, single people adopt hard to place children (unless you are rich and famous) but I would not count on adopting her when your relationship is explosive, you are single, you are not committed enough to each other to marry, you aren't in a good financial situation.

    Your intentions are good but the child deserves better.

    If she is being abused - and it appears she is - SOMEBODY needs to call CPS and protect her. Maybe that means foster care. Maybe it means something else.

    You know she's in this situation and you know you can report it.
    sugarqueen's Avatar
    sugarqueen Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
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    #9

    Jun 17, 2012, 06:29 PM
    Part of me wants to call, but am afraid of the repercussions.. these people can be psychos.. they are very unstable people. My therapist said that she had a client who was abused when she was little and the only question she had was "Why didn't anyone help me?" I don't want this girl to grow up and think that way, but the best I can do is say "auntie loves you and no one will take you away from me" when she's afraid another little girl will.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,769, Reputation: 5427
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    #10

    Jun 17, 2012, 06:32 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by sugarqueen View Post
    the best i can do is say "auntie loves you and no one will take you away from me" when she's afraid another little girl will.
    No, that isn't the best you can say or do. And "auntie" may not be able to help as much as she thinks she can. I am on the "call CPS" page.
    LadySam's Avatar
    LadySam Posts: 1,589, Reputation: 322
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    #11

    Jun 17, 2012, 07:19 PM
    I third the vote for CPS if things are as you say.
    Though the parents may be psycho, adults can defend themselves a child cannot.
    sugarqueen's Avatar
    sugarqueen Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
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    #12

    Jun 18, 2012, 07:36 PM
    These are things that have been told to me, I have never actually witnessed them, BUT the MOTHER HERSELF showed me or told me "the closet was only this size". I mean this girl throws a can of peaches at my bf's dad's head. She's nuts I wouldn't want to cross her. One night the mother said in front of my bf's mom "if you don't stop, i'm gonna lock you in the closet" and "I'm stuck with this kid forever now" etc. The little girl does go to daycare so of course they are mandated to call DCYF if they do suspect anything so in my opinion, if anything does happen, it would be the school who would call. She has witnessed her parents have sex maybe they didn't know she was awake I don't know. I WAS THERE one time when the girl was around a bag of pot and touched it and I had to tell her not to and told the father about it. He sells drugs and gets into trouble and the mother is out all the time. We are better than them in that sense we have never been arrested and we aren't drug addicts (they did/do cocaine too) but we do live together, and have for about 7 years. It will be 9 years soon that we have been going out. At least if she did wind up living with us, she would know she would be coming to OUR apt every night.. not daddy one night, mommy another night etc. We do not fight bad all the time, and we do sometimes dance and act silly and goofy. I think we fight because of a lot of money problems etc. It's still better than her situation.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,769, Reputation: 5427
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    #13

    Jun 18, 2012, 07:39 PM
    Why won't you call CPS?
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,505, Reputation: 4600
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    #14

    Jun 18, 2012, 07:41 PM
    You do not qualify to adopt this child or to become her legal guardians. The "it's bad here but worse there" explanation is not reasonable.

    And I have to disagree with you - you have heard statements that the child is abused, statements you believe, but you think day care (because it's mandated) should report suspected abuse?

    That is sad and I ache for this child.

    Sometimes you have to stand up. Maybe this is your time.

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