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SecretiveMiss · Jan 29, 2008, 12:36 AM

I have a question regarding the role of a birth father.

I took a pregnancy test a week ago and found out that I am pregnant (actually, I took three because I did not want to believe it). I am an adopted child and I have met my birth parents and siblings and I have been raised the best I could have been. I do believe that I could make things work with a child but I wouldn't be able to give them absolutely everything that they would need to succeed. I do not believe in abortion. I am considering giving up my baby for adoption.

I do not have a healthy relationship with the father and therefore have considered not telling him that I am pregnant. I have been pregnant with him before and had two miscarriages (when we were in a relationship). When we discussed adoption he would hear nothing of it.
We are no longer in a relationship. I am a student currently studying abroad and so it is possible for the father not to know that I am pregnant. I am curious as to what rights he may have as the father to this child and what rights I have as a mother. Would Birth Mother trump Birth Father?

Could he stop the adoption process if he wanted to?

Thanks,

SM

jasondbel · Jan 29, 2008, 01:44 AM

If he wants his child why would you deny him of that? Why would you give his child to strangers vs. letting him have his child? Yes, I believe if he knows and then pursues the issue and proves his paternity he has rights. Of course you can sign your rights over but if he has custody you will have to pay child support if he pushes it that far. He will never know if no one tells him but why? You lost two children and now you are blessed with one, you are going to have the child, then give the child away? I begged my sons mother not to have an abortion. She almost did. I have my son now he is two. She is gone. He has brought me more joy than I will ever have in this lifetime. The thought of him not being here ruins me. Oh its tough being a single father but what I get in return far outweighs the bad. Just give him his child and go.

All your child needs is your love and the necessities in life. You have to make it work. You have to do what you have to do for you and that babies survival. Get books read read read...

SecretiveMiss · Jan 29, 2008, 08:28 PM

I would not want him knowing my child for various reasons.
One being that he already has a 3 year old and when he has him on the weekends his son is with my exes Mother or Father and he is busy doing drugs and partying. His current priorities are working, partying, drinking and doing drugs... and his son. Those are in the order that I have known from him for the past 2 years.
Second is that he is a master of manipulation and I would not want my child growing up in such an environment.
Third is that he is not young and still rents a room from a relative and has no motivation to do anything in life. He has attempted school but has always succumbed to the party lifestyle and either failed or has been kicked out. His own son of three years is not enough motivation for him to get off his and so I do not believe that him knowing he has another child will make him spring into action.

As for myself I am not always emotionally stable, but I have not ruled out keeping my child.

I am trying to think of what is best for my child and I refuse to set him or her up to fail.

I have never discussed open adoption with him but I do not think he would be in favour of it. Are there any other options that I can look at?

Synnen · Jan 29, 2008, 09:34 PM

I would get an attorney for this, honestly.

If he does NOT sign over his rights, an adoption can not go through.

You might, however, with an attorney, look at high enough child support payments (for him) that he might be willing to be bribed to give up his rights so that an adoption can go through--if the child is adopted, he pays no child support.

I really stress an attorney, though--one who knows adoption law. It may be that with his background, especially if you have proof, his rights may be severed in the best interest of a child (for an adoption plan to take place). I don't know enough legally about it to advise you---I just do know that the birthfather has rights too, and you need to get him to sign them away in order for there to be an adoption.

Good luck to you!

Fr_Chuck · Jan 29, 2008, 09:53 PM

Yes, he as the father has legal rights, and the child can not be adopted without his permission. I would not want a child living with a drug user either ( and not to sound mean, but you must have know he was this when you got pregnant by him)

But it is your choice if you wish to raise the child, many states allows you to give the child to the state, and if he does not want to raise the child ( can't see him doing it) they state will put the child up for adoption.

But we don't need to give children a lot, in fact too many children today have way too much, All one needs is to love the child, and take care of them the best we can. The fact you have all this concern and love seems to show you would make a wonderful mother.

jasondbel · Jan 30, 2008, 12:46 AM

I would do everything in your power to get full custody and raise your child without the father. You will regret it oneday that you gave your child up and then it will be too late. Its seems tough and it is but the joys that that child will give you is well worth it. Unless you have other reasons you would give the child up for adoption.

N0help4u · Jan 30, 2008, 09:11 AM

People think they have to make x amount of dollars to raise a child but I raised 4 on my own with very little. If you prioritize your money and have someone you trust that can babysit while you work it is possible.
Really I don't think you have to even put his name on the birth certificate but then it is more of a problem when you apply for child support cause then you have to prove he is the father with DNA tests and all.

ScottGem · Jan 30, 2008, 09:27 AM

Originally Posted by jasondbel

Why would you give his child to strangers vs. letting him have his child?

All your child needs is your love and the necessities in life. you have to make it work. You have to do what you have to do for you and that babies survival. Get books read read read...

I'm sorry, but the rosy picture you paint is not a true reflection of reality. Not everyone is capable or prepared to be a parent. There are plenty of instances where giving a child up for adoption is the best thing for the child. I believe you do a disservice to people by counseling them against adoption, especially without knowing the full circumstances.

That being said, you are correct, that the father can prevent the adoption if made aware of it. To allow for a third party adoption both parents must formally relinquish their rights or every effort needs to be made to contact the bio father or the bio father needs to be shown as a danger to the child.

wewed100606 · Jan 30, 2008, 09:53 AM

"I have been preganant by him 2 other times resulting in miscarriages" I am sorry, but I have zero respect or sympathy or anything for you. I can't believe you are immature and irresponsible enough to be in the situation, not once, not twice, but three times? For crying out loud! The picture you paint of the father I can only imagine what you are yourself as I know the type of girls that would be around that and end up in this situation. You better figure out how to not hurt this child with your idiocy. And after that close your damn legs!

And yes he can stop the adoption. I hope he doesn't for the child's sake. Maybe he will have a change of heart, maybe he will take some responsibility... you owe him the chance. If he steps up, I hope he does get custody and you are forced to pay for your stupidity for the rest of your life. I hope you learn a damn lesson!