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    cjaz70's Avatar
    cjaz70 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Mar 12, 2012, 06:34 AM
    Biological mother does not want contact
    My mother adopted out (closed) a child some 40 years ago and is now having problems with her having contact with other family members. My mother has tried to move on with her life but her invlovment is causing her a lot of grief. The child's adoptive parents were given my mothers information even though they weren't supposed to have it and give it to her once she asked for it. My mother has chosen not to have a relationship with her but doesn't understand why she is involving herself past finding out medical information etc. She was raised by a very wealthy political family and has had a good life but is not having any respect for my mother now.

    Any thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated.
    kcomissiong's Avatar
    kcomissiong Posts: 1,166, Reputation: 276
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    #2

    Mar 12, 2012, 07:00 AM
    Your mother has no control, legal or otherwise over her contacting other family members. She does have the right to want to know her family, and unless they ask her to stop, these is nothing wrong. If the contact with your mother continues after asking her to stop, she can seek a restraining order, or pursue harassment charges, but those have nothing to do with contacting other family members. If they are uncomfortable with the contact, they must ask her to stop, and take the same steps.
    Illusion's Avatar
    Illusion Posts: 195, Reputation: 33
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    #3

    Mar 21, 2012, 11:31 PM
    This is a heartbreaking situation. This child that was adopted by a family now wants to have contact with her birth mother and her family. No matter how wonderful her adoptive family was or is - and no matter how much money they have - there is nothing that can take the place of knowing your own family, your own mother. This person has been courageous to contact your mother and to want to know her. I hope your mother will re-consider her decision not to have anything to do with her. It was not her fault she was born and then placed up for adoption - she was a baby and had no say in being adopted. Now she would like to know her mother and about her mother. No doubt she is seeking to find meaning and answers to her life. That has no price tag in life. Your mother may not need to be friends with her and live happily ever after - but at the very least - I would say to speak with her. I don't know the reasons for why she was placed up for adoption - but it was not her fault for whatever happened. I can only imagine that this is very difficult for her and your mother. Your mother may feel it is easier to just not deal with her - rather than deal with her own feelings about what happened. It is just heartbreaking for everyone involved.

    You do not say how she has been disrespectful to your mother. It might help if you explain.
    Synnen's Avatar
    Synnen Posts: 7,927, Reputation: 2443
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    #4

    Mar 22, 2012, 12:14 AM
    Illusion--are you a birthmother?

    If not, you have NO IDEA what you are talking about.

    The wounds from choosing adoption are very deep, and contact sometimes rips the scabs off those wounds, rubs salt and lemon juice on them, and hurts even more than the original pain of the adoption.

    The birthmother has NO OBLIGATIONS to the adopted child beyond medical records. If she does not want contact, that should be respected completely.
    ScottGem's Avatar
    ScottGem Posts: 64,970, Reputation: 6056
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    #5

    Mar 22, 2012, 03:53 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Illusion View Post
    ... there is nothing that can take the place of knowing your own family, your own mother. ... It is just heartbreaking for everyone involved.

    You do not say how she has been disrespectful to your mother. It might help if you explain.
    I have to agree with Synnen here. Your response is very wrong. The mother chose to give up the child for adoption and requested a closed adoption. For whatever reasons she did this those are her wishes and THEY NEED TO BE RESPECTED. That is how the child is being disrespectful to the mother. In addition, any family members that are encouraging the child and maintaining contact are also being disrespectful to the mother.

    This child has NO rights to anything beyond medical information. Yes this is heartbreaking for everyone. But this is the danger an adoptee risks when they try to find their birth parents.

    To cjaz,
    Your mother should reiterate strongly to your family members that she closed this chapter of her life 40 years ago. That it is painful to have it revisited and ask that they respect her wishes by not encouraging the girl.

    She should send the girl a letter stating in no uncertain terms that she while she can understand the girl's feelings, she has to understand and respect hers. And tell her that she does not want any contact and ask her to respect that and not contact other family members.

    Unfortunately she cannot legally compel other family members to cease contact, but she can legally compel the girl to not contact her. She should also read the terms of the adoption contract. There may be grounds for a suit if her information was revealed in violation of the contract.
    Illusion's Avatar
    Illusion Posts: 195, Reputation: 33
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    #6

    Mar 22, 2012, 10:12 PM
    All right. From a legal standpoint you are absolutely right. But the writer stated she could not understand why the adopted child wanted contact with her mother beyond medical information. I just gave my idea on that and why it might be important for the adopted child. I realize that there are legal issues here - but that is not what the writer asked and she did say she wanted any ideas on this.
    ScottGem's Avatar
    ScottGem Posts: 64,970, Reputation: 6056
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    #7

    Mar 23, 2012, 03:16 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Illusion View Post
    All right. From a legal standpoint you are absolutely right. But the writer stated she could not understand why the adopted child wanted contact with her mother beyond medical information. I just gave my idea on that and why it might be important for the adopted child. I realize that there are legal issues here - but that is not what the writer asked and she did say she wanted any ideas on this.
    I think the OP was asking for thoughts from the mother's point of view, not the adopted child's. Yes, it is pretty well understood why an adopted child would want to seek contact with their biological family.

    I subscribe to the principle that anyone is entitled to do what they want up to, but NOT including when what they want infringes on someone else's rights to do what they want. Under that principle, as soon as the adopted child was told the bio mother did not want contact, she should have backed off. The OP made it very clear how the mother felt, so advising the mother to reconsider her position was not applicable advice.
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    babygirl4747 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #8

    Apr 1, 2012, 08:09 PM
    I was adopted back in the 60's. 6 years ago I found both my birth parents by hiring an intermediary. My father's answer was immediately yes. My mother's answer, after 3 days of thinking about it said no and to never contact her again.When asking her about medical information - she was very rude and said she was not going to share anything and do not contact her children. I would have respected her "no contact" wishes except how she responded to the medical information completely upset me. At that point I felt disrespected. How dare her refuse to give me medical information.My intermediary was stunned. I was determined to contact her because of it and did find her on my own. Did I have that right? I felt I absolutely did for the medical information at the very least. I was ready for a "no" answer from her but not that kind of "no" to my medical background. I had my father make the call to her. I knew in my heart that she wanted to know who I was but there was a very specific reason why she said no. I was right. No one in her family knew, no one, not even her husband and children. She did not want to hurt her spouse. She pleaded with me and I agreed to keep it between us but I wanted all medical information and I wanted pictures of her and get to know her a little. She agreed and gave me a lot of information and what happened back then with her and my father and also gave me a picture of what she looked like back then and now. It's tough because it's all been through email. After 5 years I still have not heard her voice or met her in person. She wants to one day meet both me and my father but she just can't right now. Her family is huge and I know I have a couple of siblings by her, many aunts, uncles, cousins. I even know who some of them are and where they are but they do not know me at all. I believe if I reveal who I am it could potentially ruin my birth mother's life and/or cause a lot of grief. She was told when she chose adoption that is was the best thing even though she did not feel that way. She was told to live life like it never happened. Carrying a child and not being able to bond with it is unnatural. I believe that even though it is not my fault for being adopted and it's very very hard to not just go up to her home and say here I am or to her children and the rest of my family too, I have to respect her wishes. I have to try to understand her position. I don't like it and still feel it's not fair and It's hard sometimes but I am thankful that I have a lot more info than I used to have and the bonus is that I found my birth father which I did not expect at all. I am truly grateful for what I do have. His family have been so wonderful and accepting. My birth mother still could have refused me when my father called her. I wanted her to be at ease and not be scared that I would expose her. She was acting out of fear in the beginning. I met my birth father in person and have kept in touch with him. He doesn't understand how my birth mother can be like she is but it is what it is. It was scary to go down this path not knowing what to expect.I started and stopped so many times and finally decided to go full force because this is something that I always wanted and did not want to have any regrets no matter what the outcome. I had to get over the fantasy that all would be wonderful when I found my birth mother. It was great in the beginning but now we hardly email each other. She has a lot going on in her life, popular in her community - another reason - and her main focus is her husband's health and happiness. She is a very nice person and I am thankful that she shared with me some very deep and honest feelings about most everything. I hope this helps.
    ScottGem's Avatar
    ScottGem Posts: 64,970, Reputation: 6056
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    #9

    Apr 2, 2012, 03:21 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by babygirl4747 View Post
    I was determined to contact her because of it and did find her on my own. Did I have that right? I felt I absolutely did for the medical information at the very least. ... She pleaded with me and I agreed to keep it between us but I wanted all medical information and I wanted pictures of her and get to know her a little.
    You had a right to the medical information. But NOTHING else. She should NOT have had to "plead" with you for confidentiality. And frankly, I find your request for pictures and getting to know her emotional blackmail. I suspect that her pleading made you feel that you had her over a barrel and so you pressed for more than you were entitled to.

    What you should have done is have the intermediary go back and tell her that you were entitled to medical information, but that you would respect her wishes for no other contact and would keep whatever info you had confidential..

    Even using your father to convey the same message. I would have left the door open for any contact she wished to have above and beyond the medical info.

    Your situation is why adoptees should not make a concerted effort to contact their birth parents. I'm not sure if you have any clue what your birth mother was feeling. This was a chapter of her life that she thought was closed. A chapter she has not told her husband about and one she feared may affect her marriage. Yet here you came blundering in threatening her current life!

    This is what bothers me about adoptees trying to find birth parents. Its almost always about them with almost no consideration for what they might be doing to the birth parent.

    So my answer to the OP in this thread remains the same. She HAS to respect her birth mothers wishes about contact with her and her family.
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,505, Reputation: 4600
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    #10

    Apr 2, 2012, 08:17 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by babygirl4747 View Post
    At that point I felt disrespected.

    You invaded your birth mother's privacy and used an intermediary to do so - and YOU feel disrespected? Unfortunately, I don't believe your birth mother owes you anything. I can't believe you got your father involved because he knows how she can be (or words to that effect). She begged you to maintain her privacy?

    I am, quite frankly, shocked.

    I see a post about you, you, you.
    rumor2's Avatar
    rumor2 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #11

    May 9, 2012, 02:43 PM
    Been in this situation since December . I am an adoptee contacted by a girl who thought she was my sister .Got to know her and the Bio father then found out the info was wrong . I felt like someone died . This was something that our parents did - it was wrong and has caused immense pain to all invovled. Lets hope that we can learn from this - These are some of the most hurtful lies told!!
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,505, Reputation: 4600
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    #12

    May 9, 2012, 02:44 PM
    What lies are you addressing? I feel like I'm picking up in the middle of the story.
    ScottGem's Avatar
    ScottGem Posts: 64,970, Reputation: 6056
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    #13

    May 9, 2012, 04:43 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by rumor2 View Post
    These are some of the most hurtful lies told !!!
    Yes, what lies? If an adoptee is not told s/he was adopted as soon as they were mature enough to be told, then yes, that is a hurtful lie. Anything else I don't see what you are talking about.
    Chardel's Avatar
    Chardel Posts: 93, Reputation: 13
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    #14

    May 9, 2012, 06:25 PM
    Hi-
    I too am an adoptee, I was adopted at six weeks old, was told I was adopted and understood it by the time I was three... I can understand the want/need to find out who and where you came from, find out about the medical background of your family, things that are not covered in the original files. I found out that Fibromyalgia runs in the family, and that all of the women on my Mothers side of the family had hysterectomies in their thirties... I also found out that my second oldest son looks identical to my birth mother and my youngest son looks exactly like my birth father. These are things I never would have known if my sister hadn't found me on the registry. My mother, on the other hand... she wants nothing to do with me or my children... and I happen to be fine with that. I do not feel the need to invade her life,or my sisters for that matter... Yes the daughter SHOULD respect you Mother and back off, but until that happens just make life easier for every one and try to answer her questions, or find someone to mediate for you. Just keep telling her how much this is hurting your mother. I s this woman a mother? If so then maybe you could ask her how she would feel in this situation... Just shooting out some ideas. See if she will entertain the thought of joining a support group for adoptees, yes there are such things. Tell your Mom that the same rule applies to this woman that applies to all bullies... if you ignore their behavior long enough they will go bug someone else. Hope you don't need to take legal action.
    Good luck with this trial.
    Huggs :)
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,277, Reputation: 7690
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    #15

    May 9, 2012, 10:27 PM
    The adoptee has no rights and often causes so much harm and can not understand that if the bio parent had wanted contact they may not have adopted them out.

    In so many cases of people I have counseled, they found a parent and was cursed out, they were told they wish they had had a abortion instead of adopting them.
    I have seen bio parents have to even get restraining orders to keep them away.
    They seem not to accept the bio parent does not want contact. Most don't.
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,505, Reputation: 4600
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    #16

    May 10, 2012, 04:15 AM
    - And this issues is addressed on the legal boards and "missing persons" board frequently. I still recall the young woman who located her father and was very excited - and then he told his side of her mother's history, and then he walked away. He took it the extent of having DNA performed because he was sure she was not his child (she was). Very upsetting scenario, changed how she felt about herself. Mother had sanitized the story for the daughter's protection.
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    MaggiexMay Posts: 6, Reputation: 0
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    #17

    Jun 14, 2012, 04:06 PM
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    ScottGem's Avatar
    ScottGem Posts: 64,970, Reputation: 6056
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    #18

    Jun 14, 2012, 05:00 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by MaggiexMay View Post
    why is everyone mad at the children (that are now adults) they were not asked to be born to a woman that was either to young, not married, in a bad situation.... if anyone has behaved badly it is the birth mothers. If they had made better choices for themselves all those years ago and either waited to have sex until they were married, or waited to have sex until they were in a better situation. Again I think that birth mothers made bad choices back then and the children placed up for adoption with no say in the matter are the ones to pay the price. Unless it was rape and I do feel very badly for those birth mothers that has had that happened to but unless it was rape then the birth children should be given information if they would like.
    What a totally narrow short sighted viewpoint! Yes, the birth mothers may have made some bad decisions. But unless you have given up a child for adoption, you have no clue how hard a decision that was to make. So a woman makes a mistake and finds herself pregnant when she is emotionally and financially unprepared to raise that child. So what should she do? Raise that child that she made feel resentment towards or that she may not be able to care for? Giving the child up for adoption is probably to best way to make up for the mistakes she made.

    And no one is saying the child is not entitled to INFORMATION. But that are not entitled to insert themselves into the life of an unwilling birth mother.
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,505, Reputation: 4600
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    #19

    Jun 14, 2012, 05:03 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by MaggiexMay View Post
    why is everyone mad at the children (that are now adults) they were not asked to be born to a woman that was either to young, not married, in a bad situation.... if anyone has behaved badly it is the birth mothers. If they had made better choices for themselves all those years ago and either waited to have sex until they were married, or waited to have sex until they were in a better situation. Again I think that birth mothers made bad choices back then and the children placed up for adoption with no say in the matter are the ones to pay the price. Unless it was rape and I do feel very badly for those birth mothers that has had that happened to but unless it was rape then the birth children should be given information if they would like.

    Wow - amazing point of view. So you believe the birth mothers should be "punished" forever?

    How do the children who are adopted "pay the price"?
    Synnen's Avatar
    Synnen Posts: 7,927, Reputation: 2443
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    #20

    Jun 14, 2012, 07:51 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by MaggiexMay View Post
    why is everyone mad at the children (that are now adults) they were not asked to be born to a woman that was either to young, not married, in a bad situation.... if anyone has behaved badly it is the birth mothers. If they had made better choices for themselves all those years ago and either waited to have sex until they were married, or waited to have sex until they were in a better situation. Again I think that birth mothers made bad choices back then and the children placed up for adoption with no say in the matter are the ones to pay the price. Unless it was rape and I do feel very badly for those birth mothers that has had that happened to but unless it was rape then the birth children should be given information if they would like.
    Have you EVER been in that position? No?

    Then SHUT UP.

    You have NO idea what my life as a birthmother has been like since I chose adoption for my child. You have no idea what kind of pain I went through and how much society has hurt me with ideas a lot like yours. Would it have been better for me to have kept my child and lived off welfare? I KNEW the father would walk away, and that I'd get no support for him.

    For your information, THREE forms of birth control failed for me. Yes, I was using them correctly. I was a straight A student, still in high school. I got pregnant the second time I had sex with my boyfriend of nearly 3 years.

    I have NEVER contested that adoptees have the right to their MEDICAL information.

    Their rights end where the birth families' rights to privacy begin. Just like birth parents have no right to insert themselves into adoptive families and just make a place for themselves because they WANT it, adoptees have no RIGHT to insert themselves into the lives of their birthparents. Is it nice when it works out that they can have a relationship as adults? Sure! But for some people it is entirely too painful to relive the time of their lives where they chose adoption and had to then mourn completely alone because no one understood the reasons they even had to mourn.

    So... unless you are a birthmother or know one that wants privacy, you have no clue what the heck you are talking about. I have paid dearly for giving my child parents that could better care for her than I could. Unless you know that pain, you can't tell me that birth mothers are SELFISH for choosing the path that allows them to keep their pain at bay and their sanity intact.

    And FWIW... I have a relationship with my daughter and her family now that she is an adult. I had no problem sharing information. I have, however, worked with birthmothers for YEARS, and some of them never told ANYONE about being pregnant and choosing adoption. Having that secret get out has ruined marriages, alienated children that they raised, resulted in being cut off from parents. In more than one woman, it's caused suicide.

    I cannot even express to you how upset your post has made me, for it proves once again that society in general has no clue about adoption or what birthmothers go through so that infertile couples can have the baby they want.

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