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    in8love19's Avatar
    in8love19 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Apr 12, 2007, 08:34 PM
    I was adopted at birth, closed adoption.
    I was adopted at birth in hudson New York 1993. The hospital was Columbia Memorial Hospital in hudson ny. It was a closed adoption. I was adopted in to a family my adopted father is a doctor he works at Columbia Memorial Hospital he has been since before I was born. I am 14 years old now I have no information on my birth parent only that my birth mother was 16 years old. Please I am going through a horrible time I need to find at least my birth mother. Please help me.. :( :( :(
    Matt3046's Avatar
    Matt3046 Posts: 831, Reputation: 128
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    #2

    Apr 12, 2007, 08:37 PM
    You will prob have to wait until you are 18. But maybe your father could help.
    Have you asked him?
    GV70's Avatar
    GV70 Posts: 2,918, Reputation: 283
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    #3

    Apr 18, 2007, 01:48 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by in8love19
    :( i was adopted at birth in hudson new york 1993. the hospital was Columbia Memorial Hospital in hudson ny. it was a closed adoption. i was adopted in to a family my adopted father is a doctor he works at Columbia Memorial Hospital he has been since before i was born. i am 14 years old now i have no information on my birth parent only that my birth mother was 16 years old. please i am going through a horrible time i need to find at least my birth mother. please help me.. :( :( :(
    Try to put yourself in your parents'shoes first.Talk to them.And are you really sure that your birth mother wants to see you?
    Synnen's Avatar
    Synnen Posts: 7,927, Reputation: 2443
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    #4

    Apr 18, 2007, 09:41 AM
    You will have to wait until you are 18 to start your own search.

    It's unusual that you were adopted in a closed adoption in 1993. Most adoptions were at least semi-open at that time. Have you talked to your parents about this?

    Why are you in need of your birthmother? If you think she'll step in and make life with your parents easier, you have another think coming. I'm a birthmother, and if my daughter EVER thought I'd go against her parents, she'd have another think coming.

    Are you sure your parents don't have contact with your birthmom? I know that I don't contact my daughter directly. Her parents send me a letter once a year, and I send them one. We have each other's phone numbers, but they are for emergencies only.

    Hon... you really need to talk to your parents about this. Only they can help you with the questions you have right now.
    Emland's Avatar
    Emland Posts: 2,468, Reputation: 496
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    #5

    Apr 18, 2007, 10:03 AM
    What do you believe your birth mother can do for you that the parents that raised you can't?

    My son is going through his "my parents are complete idiots" phase right now. We get better as you get older - or at least most of us do!
    FauxClaud's Avatar
    FauxClaud Posts: 6, Reputation: 2
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    #6

    Apr 26, 2007, 07:02 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by in8love19
    i was adopted at birth in hudson new york 1993. the hospital was Columbia Memorial Hospital in hudson ny. it was a closed adoption. i was adopted in to a family my adopted father is a doctor he works at Columbia Memorial Hospital he has been since before i was born. i am 14 years old now i have no information on my birth parent only that my birth mother was 16 years old. please i am going through a horrible time i need to find at least my birth mother. please help me.. :( :( :(
    Hi there,
    Being under 18, you will have some serious roadblocks.. most search sites cannot legally assist you.
    IF you were born at the hospital.. and your dad worked there then... chances are he KNOWS who your mother is. There is even a good chance that things might have been a little hinky.. err under the table... with that connection.. so even though going through them might be difficult as they might not want you to know the full story. BUT, it would be easiest to have your parents on your side.. though it is common for parents to be threatened by a search. Still, they probably do know more then they are telling you an if there is any way that you can get them to understand, that would help.

    NY does have some sort of reunion registry... you will want to sign up with it.. though they do not have really good track records.. so don't stop there! The best and biggest most susseful registrey is the ISRR.. so you definalty want to go there: Also Adoption.com has a good search site.. remember that when you are looking, dates may be slightly off.. or you might find someone who alsmost fits the bill but goes against what you think you know... always inquire anyway! But agiain... you can't do squat until age 18. You can though, hook up with other people.. not all mothers wait to look for the kids.. some start before age 18, though many feel they never have a right to find their lost babies.

    You can also enlist in the help of a search angels ( list of some here ), or get a PI to help ( Kin solving is one) but many can complete a successful search with out having to pay for it.. so I would advise saving that for a dead end.

    WHat is also VERY important is to NOW start reading the stories of other people who have searched and the stories of relinquishing parents. You want to prepare yourself and be emotional ready as you can be for whatever possible outcome may happen. I strongly recommned reading The Girls WHo Went Away by Ann Fessler because the voices and stories of the moms in that book really do echo the emotional feelings of adoption and will help you understand your mother. As a 90's adoption her story will have some differnces, but the foundation will be very much the same. Hearing the voices of other adoptees and moms is very helpful.. so try the blogsTaking to other adoptees also will help... Adoptese and Soul of Adoption are great places to get support and understanding.

    Google will be your best friend.. there is so much out there and on line now. But the links here will get you into the world adoptionland online. You might have to spend quite some time here whikle you wait for theings to open up legally for you, but you will be very ready when the time comes.

    Good luck.. and try to have no expectations, and be open minded to what you might find... it is not called an rollar coaster ride for nothing. Be prepared for the emotions.. they are al very normal.. though intense!

    Also, it is VERY NORMAL for you to need to know where you came from. Just because you are adopted and no matter how great your parents are does not mean that you have to be content or grateful. Its is natural to want to find our people.. finding your original family can be very helpful even at this young age. At 14 you are struggling with idenity and who you are.. so having all the pieces of that puzzel now will enable to go forth into adultood knowing all parts of you. Many people do NOT understand this and will try, as in some of these answers, to make you feel bad for wanting to know. You have the right to know. It's going to be harder because of your age, but it can happen.
    FauxClaud's Avatar
    FauxClaud Posts: 6, Reputation: 2
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    #7

    Apr 26, 2007, 07:06 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by GV70
    Try to put yourself in your parents'shoes first.Talk to them.And are you really sure that your birth mother wants to see you?
    Historically, research shows that less than 1% of surrendering mothers deny contact with their lost children. The majorty WANT contact, will be open to it, and don't look themselves because they feel that they have no right, or that it is actually illegal as they were told by agencies and social workers at the time of relinquishment. In fact many mothers did NOT want to lose their babies to adoption to begin with.
    Adoption is not suppose to be about the adoptive parents needs. It is suppose to be about the child, the adoptee. This adoptee NEEDS to know... and all should respect that need. Even the adoptive parents.. even if it hurts them.. because that is what parents DO for their cildren.. they put the child's needs first.
    FauxClaud's Avatar
    FauxClaud Posts: 6, Reputation: 2
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    #8

    Apr 26, 2007, 07:15 AM
    [QUOTE=Emland]What do you believe your birth mother can do for you that the parents that raised you can't?
    QUOTE]
    The family of origin can:
    Provide genetic mirroring.. ie.. its a real nice thing to see someone who looks like you!
    Give this person their chapter one.. life does not being at adoption, there is a birth story,he/she existed beofre the adoption.
    Provide medical history.. very needed and important.
    Give a sense of history, the family tree, a place in the world order.
    Tell the adoptee the reasons... many times no matter how great the parents are, the adoptee still will feel emotional abandoned and rejected. It does them good to know that they were loved and wanted and how many times, the natural parent did not want to lose them, or fought to keep them.. and thought about them always.
    Provide other family members. Siblings, aunts, grand paretns, etc.. with a whole wealth of hostory and more ability to connect with part of their clan. Imagine being from a family of dancers adopted into a family of scientists who scorn dancing. The adoptee goes though life feelig bad for loving what comes naturally to them... and when they find out they are form a family of dancers, then they realize that they are not WRONG. Simple example, but very true.
    Improve self esteem, trust issues, idenity questions...

    The list goes on and on... there are many many reasons to search.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,302, Reputation: 7692
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    #9

    Apr 26, 2007, 07:39 AM
    First lets look and deal with the problem,

    What type of "very hard time" are you going though, what is happening, are your parents beating you, perhaps they are not feeding you enough ?
    So the main issue is to deal with what your problems are and find a way to get though those.

    I can't see how finding your birth mother will solve a single issue you are having now, if you found her today, you don't know her, she does not know you, she has no legal right to even visit you. So she is not going to solve any problem for you.
    kitsap7's Avatar
    kitsap7 Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #10

    Apr 26, 2007, 10:45 AM
    Comment on Fr_Chuck's post
    Education re: the needs of people who are adopted is crucial before answering a question about adoption. This answer is not helpful re the original post.
    kitsap7's Avatar
    kitsap7 Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #11

    Apr 26, 2007, 10:46 AM
    Comment on FauxClaud's post
    Very good points made! Thank you!
    LadyB's Avatar
    LadyB Posts: 320, Reputation: 42
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    #12

    Apr 27, 2007, 08:10 AM
    In8love, in answer to your question, definitely talk to your parents about your desire, and explain why it is important to you. They will be able to help in your search and may have a number of answers for you already.
    Tira68's Avatar
    Tira68 Posts: 10, Reputation: 4
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    #13

    Apr 27, 2007, 03:30 PM
    My birthmother had me and gave me up for adoption at the age of 14. Growing up I always wondered about her and knew that someday I would find her. I ended up finding her when I was 22. I am glad that I waited! Now after knowing her for 12 years she still has not gotten her life together. Sometimes there are bigger reasons than you can imagine for your birthmother giving you up. At such a young age I would have to say she did the right thing. I'm sure she loved you and it was probably the hardest thing she ever had to do, but she did it because she loves you and wanted the best for you, which she probably was not in a position to provide you. I agree with most of the posts here that you need to talk with your parents about this and wait until you are at least 18.
    gymnast6394's Avatar
    gymnast6394 Posts: 22, Reputation: 1
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    #14

    Apr 27, 2007, 03:37 PM
    I think that you might have to wait until you are 16 to find your birthmother. I definitely agree with LadyB talk to your parents maybe they know something.
    FauxClaud's Avatar
    FauxClaud Posts: 6, Reputation: 2
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    #15

    Apr 27, 2007, 09:33 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by gymnast6394
    I think that you might have to wait until you are 16 to find your birthmother. I definetly agree with LadyB talk to your parents maybe they know something.
    There is actually NO law that says when you can and cannot begin a search. That is adoption mythology and incorrect. You CAN search at any time, but many of the avenues will still be closed.. so YOU can search but THEY cannot give you any information, and even after 18, they still cannot tell you a lot.
    16 is not an age that shows up anywhere at all.

    In states where records are open, and there are 6, then you DO have to wait to be 18 to have acess to your original birth certificate. And formal serachers, legal PIs, and most agencies and public domaines will also insist on 18. UNLESS... you have your adoptive parents permission, and then, sometimes, they will begin sooner... if you can prove need, etc.

    And out of the hundreds of mothers that I know, not one of them WANTED to lose their child nor think now that it was the best at all.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,302, Reputation: 7692
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    #16

    Apr 27, 2007, 10:08 PM
    Sadly I see those saying I don't know about adoptees have no idea about what it is really about, and actually give a lot of false hope to people in very fragile position.

    First I work with those seekers who find that hateful parent, I work couselng the ones that get spit in their face and told they wish now they had had that adoption. I have worked with the birth mother whose husband divorced her because a birth child showed up at the door one day and she had never told her new husband about a previous child.

    Next I am adopted, I adopted a son, and another son has adopted a son, and I have spend more time trying to be sure that a rejected adoptee does not kill thierself, so if you have not done that, you just need to erase your posts since you have no true idea what really happens, you read report off search sites, who makes advertising dollars and want you to use their sites to search.

    Now I don't mind people searching but they need to ask thierself why first,
    If they want to have a new family then no they don't need to search, they have a real family and just need counseling to learn to be happy with who they are, if they merely want to know some about who they were and why people gave them up, But this silly idea that they just love a person they never meet is the silliest thing, and these people need serous counseling, not help searching.

    And now many people want to deal with the crying adopted mom ( the real mother in my book) who was there to bandage the scraped knee, to hold them when they were scared in the middle of the night, to be rejected as this child grows up for a sperm donor that someone online tells them will be the best loving mother, sorry but bull.
    Have you sat all night at a adopted mothers home listening to her cry and wonder why their child deserted them for a sperm or egg donor who gave up any rights years ago. Or the husband who ended up wanting to kill thierself because their only son , who was the highpart of their life, wanted to find his "real" father.

    You are doing the adopted parents a true injustice, they were there to pick up a unwanted child, they were there to provide the love, the money the support for raising the child, the adoptee parent is the only real parent, the other people gave up any right to call thierself a parent years before. And really while many wonder how their child turned out, most don't want any real contact, and even if they do, sorry their ship sailed when they gave that child up,
    LadyB's Avatar
    LadyB Posts: 320, Reputation: 42
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    #17

    Apr 28, 2007, 05:22 AM
    I am an adoptive mother with a wonderful relationship with my son's first family including grandparents. They are people- real people. They are living, breathing, feeling human beings, not a sperm donor and egg donor. I can't in good conscience dehumanize people to make myself feel more secure. I am his Mama, I am his female parent. She is his mother in that she nurtured and cared for him in her own body and made a difficult choice in what she felt was his best interests. Him knowing and even having a loving relationship with his first mom isn't a threat to me, and I believe will be an enrichment to all of our lives.

    Humans have the capacity to love more than one child, more than one parent, more than one grandparent, more than one sibling, have more than one friend. Loving person B does not take away from any love or affection you might feel about person A.

    Relinquishing parents do not turn off their love for their child when they sign those papers... often they have been coerced or even forced to place against their wishes to parent, because they lack any kind of support system. Others may want to parent, but recognize that it is not in the child they love's best interest to do so due to whatever circumstances they find themselves in... and willingly relinquish with love. I have met a number of relinquishing parents and all fit into these two categories... loving people who found themselves in unfortunate circumstances. None are so highly dysfunctional as to be a threat to anyone. (Parents whose children were removed by the state due to instability are a different discussion)

    I should think the parent who is so insecure that the mere mention of their child wanting to complete their own life puzzle sends them to suicidal thoughts and hysterics is the one who needs serious counseling and help. Why are they so afraid?
    Tira68's Avatar
    Tira68 Posts: 10, Reputation: 4
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    #18

    Apr 28, 2007, 09:22 AM
    While everyone here has made some good points are we all forgetting that the girl here wanting to find her birthmother is only 14 years old. There are too many bad things that could happen by her searching now, unless of course there was some medical need. This is an adult decision that needs to be made as an adult. The maturity level of a 14 year old is not fully developed. Again I say she should talk to her parents, and wait until she is old enough and mature enough to handle the consequences if they should turn out to be bad!
    baby_b07's Avatar
    baby_b07 Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #19

    Apr 28, 2007, 09:40 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by in8love19
    i was adopted at birth in hudson new york 1993. the hospital was Columbia Memorial Hospital in hudson ny. it was a closed adoption. i was adopted in to a family my adopted father is a doctor he works at Columbia Memorial Hospital he has been since before i was born. i am 14 years old now i have no information on my birth parent only that my birth mother was 16 years old. please i am going through a horrible time i need to find at least my birth mother. please help me.. :( :( :(
    I feel really upset for you maybe you should try at the adoption place and see if they ave a record
    stephmgr's Avatar
    stephmgr Posts: 10, Reputation: 2
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    #20

    Apr 29, 2007, 04:32 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by in8love19
    i was adopted at birth in hudson new york 1993. the hospital was Columbia Memorial Hospital in hudson ny. it was a closed adoption. i was adopted in to a family my adopted father is a doctor he works at Columbia Memorial Hospital he has been since before i was born. i am 14 years old now i have no information on my birth parent only that my birth mother was 16 years old. please i am going through a horrible time i need to find at least my birth mother. please help me.. :( :( :(
    I was adopted too and most cases you should be able to receive info from an adoption agency once you turn 18. Won't your parents tell you any info? You should be able to get a copy of your original birth certificate. You should have 2. I have my original and the one from my adoption. Check with the social security office. When I called to get a copy of my ss card they verify info with you, like your mothers name. I already knew my mothers name but it was still listed with them.

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