Hey,

So I'm in a committed relationship with someone I love very much. Before we were together she had been in a very destructive relationship with a dude who had basically gotten her snorting oxy. We met in college a good 700 miles away from him. Over winter break she went home and saw him (I know she's not cheating) and she ended up back on oxy, only now she was shooting it. I spent a lot of time with her helping her with the withdrawal when she got back, she couldn't get any where we were (I know she couldn't because she picked up xanax more often than she should've). Now it's summer time and I've moved in with her and her parents because I know being home is hard for her. Unfortunately there has been too much temptation being home (Her ex texts her nightly that he's got oxy if she'll come see him) and so she's on it again and battling it day in day out. Today she asked me for my debit card to get cigarettes before she went to work. I checked my account when I woke up a couple hours later to see an atm withdrawal for $40. She's lied to me before about doing oxy, but for the most part she's been honest with me when she's had a problem and she came clean to me before I confronted her about it. We've changed her number so that he can't call her or text her and I know for a fact that she hasn't given him her new number. He's been emailing her (she told me). And I know she's been over there to shoot up a couple of times this week (today for instance). He's the only dude she can get it from, and I know she still has attachments to him, probably garnered from her addiction. She is in out patient rehab, she owes quite a bit of money to her folks, insurance doesn't cover inpatient rehab. We don't start our year until the end of this month. I have never been on nor addicted to any drugs so I am utterly clueless in how to show my support.

I've just been trying to keep her busy when she's not in rehab, but I work most nights and her parents work all day. Her rents are really supportive of her. I need to know what I can do. I know that as long as her ex is stalking her and offering it, she won't be able to quit but there isn't anything she is willing to do to cut him out. He's the kind of crazy where he shows up at our house after we just got back from dinner and texts her saying "Your tires are warm, who've you been with?" She's afraid to cut him off because she's scared he'll hurt her or me or her family, she doesn't want to go to authorities because she feels guilty about their past (she cheated on him, he cheated on her, they broke up, they made up, cheating all around again, drugs, etc.) and she doesn't feel like ruining his life is worth her getting off oxy.

She has a lot going for her. We're both students on scholarship at George Washington, her parents love her, I love her, she's smart, beautiful, etc. In other words, she has a lot to lose and I know she's at risk of losing it all. I don't want that for her and I don't want to leave her, right now I think her addiction to oxy clouds her from realizing that she can and she will lose everything.

Rehab is helping, but she's still using. I know she can't get it after August because there's no one dealing it, but I'm positive she'll replace it with something else and just pick it right up again when she gets the chance if she can't learn to kick it when she has a choice.

I need to know what I can do to be supportive and maybe some tips on how not to alienate her when I need to confront her if I think something is going on. I need to know what will help her feel more comfortable with her withdrawal (she says the pain from withdrawing keeps kicking her back).

Are there just some people that can't kick oxy until they've lost everything? How can she build the will-power to let go of it?

Thanks

That's quite a post, especially for your first one. Welcome.

It's also quite a problem. One question I need to ask is "Is there any other people in the family or related relatives that have alcohol or any type of addictive behavior. It doesn't have to be substance abuse.

Do you know how much we are talking about?

She has to want to get off of it. If the addictive behavior is hereditary it may be tougher.

A psychologist/psychiatrist mix is usually helpful.

You do need to substitute a better behavior for the addictive one.

Somehow, you need to find out why she does it. Does she pass out?

Oxycontin can be very dangerous and she is risking death by respiratory supression.

Sudden removal can place a lot of stress on the body. The brain will create physical symptoms until it gets it's fix. That's why it's hard getting off of it.

Drugs in general are OK when they are needed. Take something as simple as nose drops. You could become addicted to them within a week. Instead of the medicine working on real stuffyness, the brain manufactures "stuffyness" and won't release the stuffyness until it gets it's fix. Now if you substitute Saline spray (benign stuff) eventually the brain gives up, but it's a real battle. And it can be a very painful battle.

It's like a little war. Your brain manufactures that you can't breathe unless you get the nose drops. It probably won't starve itself, but other organs will suffer. Eventually one of them gives up.

She's telling me she's never shot more than 30-45 mg at a time. Sometimes three times a day, just 3 times this week (she just started going to rehab on monday).

Her brother has had substance abuse problems, both with oxy and other substances but neither of her parents have that I know of, they're the hardcore christian type (her dad runs a praise band) and I'm Jewish. It's an interesting combination of people. Anyway, I read up a bit but never saw anything about respiratory problems, do you mean to say that is a symptom of withdrawal or that's the risk of taking the drug? As far as I know she doesn't pass out but I will try and find out for sure.

She is seeing a therapist separate from the rehab clinic once a week.

Thanks for the welcome

Good enough. You have a hereditary component which makes the job much harder. Might be nearly impossible. That PROBABLY means some sort of psychiatric meds are needed.

oxy is supposed to be timed release. Crushing creates an instant high. The time release mechanism is gone. Thus there is an instant rush similar to a roller coaster.

oxy is also an interesting drug because the toxicity of the drug varies greatly between individuals. It also means the effectiveness of x mg varies greatly between individuals.

What is considered toxic for one individual can be extremely different for another. For the purpose of defining Toxic, I'll call it death by respiratory suppression. At some dose one forgets to breathe and death can result. That dose varies widely by individual. A tolerance also develops where one may need more of the drug to achieve the same result.
"Tolerence" is related to the frequency of use. Higher usage, greater tolerance.

She's not crushing, she's been diluting it in water and taking it intravenously (needle to the forearm).

What can I do?

Well crushing before that. I mean to say that she's not snorting it.

I did catch that. Dissolving in water and or crushing remove the sustained release and make the high brief, higher and more dangerous.

Just wondering if some other activity such as sking, skydiving could generate a similar high.

Hi tissuegrinder!

Your clarity of thought(and use of grammar)are most appreciated.It's a rarity on here.(especially on the addictions board;) )

I suggest you keep perspective on your roll as a supporter.I understand the situation as you are 'involved' with her,she also understands this.

Addicts are VERY manipulative.She has already tested your enabling nature(by taking the $40 from the account instead of simply $6 for a pack of smokes)and you haven't put her to the question yet?This is enabling.It is allowing the addict to continue their behavior unchecked.

I am a big believer in setting boundaries.If this behavior isn't over your boundary,then perhaps you are too involved,too close to the forest to see the trees.

The perspectives of others(namely those of us who will write back to you) might shed a different light on this than you have.

This site: Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self offers a sample of setting boundaries.

I am and always will be an addict,just because I don't use drugs or drink anymore doesn't change what I am.I am one who believes that it takes an addict to best understand another addict.

In meetings(which she would greatly benefit from),the readings state another simple set of truths.The results of using have 3 outcomes(which will happen if one doesn't stop using),Jails,Institutions or Death.

By not stopping her from being responsible for the money,you have eliminated the first one, for now.She broke the law,albeit,it only hurt you, but in the future,who might she 'take' more money from to support her habit?Maybe one who doesn't take it in stride like you did.The possibilities from there are limitless(for her), Jail might be the BEST possible outcome.

At this point,do you think you can change her?Do you think you have any abilities that could alter her using,in any way?

Trust me,you don't.

You(and I,and anyone else who tries to get between an addict and their drug of choice)are without the power to do anything to change their ways.It takes a bottom which we can't make happen.Taking away their access to a certain drug has produced what result?You have already seen what she does when she is without Oxy,she has gone for a substitute.This is typical behavior for an addict.

At some point in all this,you are going to have to ask yourself if you really want to be involved.It isn't going to end when the chemical of choice is gone, it never does.It IS a lifetime of challenges for any addict,no exceptions.

I hope this reaches you and you can make a rational decision about this, this is going to be a life decision.Please don't make a decision like this in haste.

KBC

What do you mean put her to the question? I am holding her accountable and I've told her she has to pay me back and I'm not giving her my card or cash ever again.

I want to be with her because I know she isn't a bad person and she's very special to me. When she wasn't on drugs things were great (first 5-6 months of our relationship). She tells me she wants to quit and she's voluntarily gone to rehab. Next week she'll be trying to get suboxone from her doctor to help with her cravings. She says she wants to change and I believe in her, that's why I stick around.

I have given myself a bit of a deadline and I'll re-evaluate things come September and if nothing has changed and she hasn't shown me that she wants to change, then I have to make a decision to let her go. But until then I want to do everything to show my support.

We decided tonight to sit down together and write up exactly what our expectations are. What I need her to do and not to do and what she expects of me as support. Do you think that would be a way to clearly express to her what my boundaries are?

Yep. She has something to loose. You. She has a deadline. Both good. She has a goal.

Although, I think it should be an all or nothing type of goal, but YOU reserve the right to extend the relationship if you feel sufficient progress has been made. She gives up that right. She cannot determine to stay in the relationship.

You're the equlivelent of a court system. You call the shots. You determine progress. You determine if the relationship continues.

Let me paint a little brighter picture for you. People recover from addictions (return to a drug free and functional lifestyle) all of the time. Many with professional intervention (rehab) and many on their own. Certainly more people recover than those that spiral into the abyss of personal destruction.

A key element in recovery is a support system. You indicate that her family is supportive and your narrative certainly demonstrates emotional support. I imagine that someone with the rehab facility will be contacting family members and significant others to coordinate aftercare involvement. I certainly hope they do.

It seems that many positive steps have been taken so far. Intervention, acknowledgment, rehab. Maintain your optimism, establish positive goals for the both of you.

You would probably benefit from a family group. One such group is Nar-Anon (but there are others as well). There you would meet others that are, or have been, in your circumstance of dealing with an addicted loved one. You'll see how others have handled it and be exposed to a diversity of possibilities and ideas. Here's a link the above:

Nar-Anon Home

I wish you the best of luck. Keep up your positive attitude. Things are on the upswing.

You really should be commended for supporting her as much as you are. It's a shame that there are not more people like you who are willing to go to such lengths.

Has she been seeing anyone about her mental health? Addiction is sometimes the result of an underlying mental health issue that should probably be addressed along with the drug addiction itself.

.. . And reading through your post, I see a great deal of you - what you're doing and how you're helping her - but I don't really see much of her. So I'll just tell you - you can give her the absolute best support in the world, but if SHE isn't ready or doesn't want sobriety for herself, then her chances of beating this mess are not as good as they can be.

There are people who have to hit absolute rock-bottom before they decide they want to change, and that's not at all limited to Oxy. Sometimes, it has more to do with the person than the drug, you know.

Finding the will-power, as you say, is something she needs to figure out on her own, as each addict is different in how they cope and readjust to sober life. But therapy and the wonderful support system you and her family have given her can certainly put her on the right track and make things a little easier for her.

Good luck.

No, not all addicts have to hit bottom to get clean. I didn't lose my job, family, house, life. But almost. Painkillers had me hooked due to the back trouble that I was going through. Now I have 17 months clean and sober. I have my life back. My wife trusts, respects, and loves me now more than ever before.

There is hope. You say that "the rehab is helping". No, it's not. If she is still shooting drugs, then she's running in place.

I never used IV drugs. THAT is the last step for addicts to get more bang for their buck. I would be worried about her sharing needles with this guy that you are so sure isn't STILL having sex with her. Addicts lie, that's a fact. She stole for drugs, why not "trade"?

Dr Bill has given you a good link, please look into it. That is for you to get the help that YOU need. She needs to get into a long term facility, and then a 12 step program like AA, or NA. For life.

The ex boyfriend needs to back the hell off, and let her heal.

Just remember that she is not a BAD person, she is a SICK person, and she needs help.

God bless the still suffering alcoholic/addict.

Unfortunately the Nar-Anon doesn't have any groups meeting in our area. There are some at close to our campus when we go back to school but that's about it.

As far as I know, she wants sobriety. At least that's what she tells me. I'm not sure how to approach the situation with her ex because he is legitimately psycho. I'm not sure she isn't still having sex with him and I'm not sure how I would find that out. I have days where can't push that out of my head and it causes a lot of tension between us. I've been trying to treat that as a separate issue and focus on getting her clean but it's clear to me now that they're part of the same problem. But again, I have no idea how to approach the problem of her ex.

BananaPie, she's seeing a therapist outside of the rehab clinic.

Try Alanon:Welcome to Al-Anon and Alateen, it's the same 12 step principle, and the same desired result. And it's more common. My wife is a member. It truly will help you.

As far as the ex, why else would he be calling her? You have to ask, what's in it for him? It's probably not just the sale of his merchandise.

I must say you are a good guy to be seeking help for her. She sure is lucky.

I'm afraid of making accusations when I'm not sure of them.

By the way, you guys have been really helpful, thanks a lot.

I'll post more of my thoughts later today, I have to get to work.

Making accusations won't do any good right now anyway.

She really needs to be in a detox/rehab facility for at least 30 days. There might be some place close by that has flexible payment plans available. After that, she needs the support of a 12 step program.

It's not going to be easy. But it can be successful.

I'm in complete accord with JMJ. Detox is one of the few areas where medicine is helpful. But I also realize that there are numerous obstacles to such treatment. Outpatient is the next best step. So work with what you have available.

I would reiterate that you need to redirect some of the attention on yourself. An association with those in similar position is most helpful and will help you to sort through and contextualize the confusing emotions invariably associated with caring for an addicted loved one. You need support as much as she does in progressing through a recovery plan. Al Anon (see above) is an excellent resource. Free and confidential.

She's going into inpatient starting on Monday and I think the plan is for her to stay there for 5-7 days to detox. None of her doctors would prescribe suboxone and the ones who would won't give her an appointment until way late in the month.

Her brother caught her using again earlier this week and that sparked the whole process of getting her to go to an inpatient program. It's kind of been a rough few days, she swings from being mad at the world because she's going in-patient to realizing that it is help she needs back to being mad at the world. Her parents won't send her back to school if she can't quit, so they've basically said it's inpatient or nothing.

So she's going in starting Monday. She wants me on her release forms instead of her parents, which I'm not opposed to if it makes her more comfortable going but I'm not going to make any decisions about her well being before talking to her rents.

Would you guys be able to tell me a little bit about what inpatient rehab is like? I mean, it's not a 'strap you to a bed for a week' kind of thing is it?

She's afraid of it and I guess I'm fishing for some pluses to point out to ease her mind a little.

Also, once she checks in she can just as easily check out, right?

As the person on her forms, do I have the right to know if she leaves the facility?

Oh, and about Al-Anon. I found a group in the area and I will attend over the next two weeks. When we get back to school I'm hoping to continue attending, hopefully with her.