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    LoveMy3Dogs's Avatar
    LoveMy3Dogs Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Sep 25, 2006, 07:43 AM
    My husband's Boss/Friend
    My husband has worked for and with his boss for about 7 years now. Over that time, we have become close with the family. His boss is married and they have two children - 12 and 16.

    Over time, his boss has struggled with alcohol and fitness addictions. Lately, he seems to have become addicted to cocaine.

    He takes cocaine until he feels like he has bugs crawling all over him and then gets paranoid and starts taking his clothes off in public (gets completely naked) and wants someone to help him. Then when someone tried to help him, he tells them to get away. Over the last month, he has been arrested or picked up by police at least 3 times.

    This is very sad because he is a professional, very well known business man in his mid-40's in the community where we live. His wife is a great person and his kids are very well adjusted.

    Last night my husband's boss went out on his own to an upscale bar/restaurant and was arrested and thrown in jail for his erratic behavior. When he got out of jail this morning (his wife doesn't know how he got out), he came banging on the doors of family members looking for his wife and kids (they left their home to get away from him).

    We want to help the family, we just don't know what to do. My husband's boss will not go to rehab on his own. Is there a way to force him to go? We live in Lee County in Florida.

    His wife is sad, mad, scared and nervous. She has been worn down to the point she doesn't even know how to ask what to do. We are reaching out for help because she is not capable right now.
    YeloDasy's Avatar
    YeloDasy Posts: 363, Reputation: 81
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    #2

    Sep 25, 2006, 11:45 AM
    Until he is ready to go to rehab, he won't get anything from it. I would recommend going to counseling, maybe not inpatient rehab, but general counseling, to motivate him to see his problem. MAybe he will go if his wife goes as well... but he should go on his own also...

    As a last resort, Florida has something called the Marchman Act that is similar to the Baker act but for substance abuse. It depends on the county, but a statement needs to be made to the court regarding his use and if the judge deems his use a danger to himself or others, he will order him into a program. But if he walks in the court and says he will go voluntarily, then the judge will take his word. Call the courthouse and get more information in your county... ask where he goes aftger court, such as a detox or other program. He does not need detox at this point, so find out some info.

    But that should be last resort. Maybe by family leaving, he will at least attend some counseling. Let me know how else we can help! It is a long and hard road... this is just the beginning.

    PS... my parents used to live on Sanibel! I miss it!
    valinors_sorrow's Avatar
    valinors_sorrow Posts: 2,927, Reputation: 653
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    #3

    Sep 25, 2006, 04:55 PM
    Forgive me but I am having a little difficulty with certain aspects of the information you've provided. I know you are meaning well but its important to get to what the real problem is. There isn't enough specifically here to suggest an active addiction (a "fitness addiction" and a "drug or alcohol addiction" all in the same sentence is a little strange to digest, even). Please bear in mind that an obsession is not the same as an addiction and requires vastly different treatments. But with that said, I see indications of mental illness, albeit exacerbated with alcohol and/or drug use. It is not exactly customary for an alcoholic or even coke addict to publicly undress, to become confused/combative about seeking help or to ragefully hunt down his missing family. There is more going on here than an active addiction, if there even is one.

    It further confuses me that he has been in custody several times now but it sounds like no mental health assistance connection has been made -- how odd? The police are not usually blind to mental illness. The sad deal in all of this is if he chooses not to seek help, like YeloDasy said, there is little to be done. There is also the Baker Act for those who pose a danger to themselves or others through mental illness, which is just like the Marchman (a forced three day stay) only this time its for mental observation but if he appears lucid enough to the police (which it seems he has) then its doubtful this would work.

    Because this is a country of rights, I don't have an easy answer for you. His family definitely needs to protect themselves. Additionally help needs to be offered to the man. But if he declines, then that is what will happen and all parties need to act accordingly. I am sorry.
    LoveMy3Dogs's Avatar
    LoveMy3Dogs Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
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    #4

    Sep 25, 2006, 08:41 PM
    By reading the comments from valinors_sorrow, we realize that what you said is completely true. We think this more obsession than addiction, the word addiction was just used at the time earlier. The more we think about it, the word obsession is more the right word. It seems like he knows what he is doing, but he does it to the extreme. Every time the cops pick him up and "Baker Act" him, and time goes while he waits to see the completely doctor, it seems like he then knows how to talk to the doctor the right way in order to get himself released from the hospital after about 4 hours. He has never stayed the whole 24 hours each time he was picked up by authorities. We feel like he knows exactly what he did, but could not control himself at "that moment of time when he acted erratic" by taking his clothes off, saying he feels a spirit around him, trying to catch or punch his own shadow.. . It seems like he knows how to answer the questions asked by the psychiatric doctors and "polish the story" for the doctor in order to get himself released early from the hospital. We feel like he is street smart and knows how to "sweet talk" authorities in order to get out from his own mess.

    But what is scaring us now is that he is threatening to kill his wife and the family of the wife (not his kids). He says he is wants to kill them because now he feels abandoned (her family is backing up the wife and going against him). We feel that he feels that way because for 17+ years he was completely pampered like a baby by his wife. His wife does everything - washes his clothes - prepares all of his food - cleans the house - does all the household chores - runs the released of the family business - takes care of the kids, etc. etc.. . He has been spoiled like a baby and all he does is work at his job at the family business and his excuse is that he is the one generating the money. His wife did everything for him like he was a king. We can go on and on.. . Probably the only thing he does for himself is gives himself a shower and wipes his own butt after going to the bathroom. His days consist of going to work, working out at the gym and then going out after the gym until 12:00 to 4:00 a.m. in the morning almost every day single day.

    His wife wants to leave him because she can't take it any more. He is pushing her to the limit, so far that we fear she may be the one that may do physical harm to him.

    In a way, my husband understand how the wife feels. It is scary because my husband has seen his actions personally more than 3 times. It is like watching a bizarre movie when watching him act this way. We are surprised that they have actually lasted 17+ years of marriage together!

    We really love this man. When he is off drugs , he is a great person. He would do anything for anyone - - even give the shirt off his back. He truly has a good heart and deserves a second chance for a good life.

    He has been using drugs for 20 years on and off - just small amounts here and there. Not sure what specific drugs he has used in the past. Just the last month he has got so heavy into cocaine usage.

    Sometimes he says the only way he can stop this is to actually kill himself. And he says he will take someone else's life too. We think this could be his wife.

    My husband can go on and on with this story and provide as much information that you need to support the advice that you will give to us. This is very important because we really care a lot about this whole family. We want to see them all together and happy and off drugs.

    My husband is very puzzled. It would be nice if there was a way we could get the wife involved in this discussion too. Maybe that would help even more. We have only known them for 7 years. The wife could tell you much more than we can. Everything that we have told you here is 100+% accurate.

    Thank you for your help. We look forward to more replies and more help!
    Skell's Avatar
    Skell Posts: 1,863, Reputation: 514
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    #5

    Sep 25, 2006, 09:00 PM
    Not my field but I see this behaviour of undressing and thinking bugs are all overs ones skin a lot with Ice addicts. A very serious and addictive drug that here in Australia has reacehd epedmic proportions amongsth youth.
    But val knows a lot more about these things and as she says it may alos be linked to mental disorder.
    I just wanted to raise the issue of Ice as I have seen the symptoms you describe here in many Ice addicts.

    I will leave the advice on your best solutions to people here who are much better equipped to help then me!
    LoveMy3Dogs's Avatar
    LoveMy3Dogs Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
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    #6

    Sep 25, 2006, 09:07 PM
    Just a question. What does Ice consist of? Is it the same thing as cocaine?
    Skell's Avatar
    Skell Posts: 1,863, Reputation: 514
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    #7

    Sep 25, 2006, 09:17 PM
    http://www.stopaddiction.com/meth_ice.html#

    http://www.med.unsw.edu.au/NDARCWeb.nsf/resources/NDARCFact_Drugs7/$file/ICE+FACT+SHEET+2.pdf#search=%22what%20is%20ice%20d rug%22

    here is a start.

    It is a form of methamphetamine. Highly addictive but readily available and cheap. All drugs are bad but this is especially scary. Particularly in Australia at present. I would imagine it would be available from where you are from if cocaine is!
    valinors_sorrow's Avatar
    valinors_sorrow Posts: 2,927, Reputation: 653
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    #8

    Sep 26, 2006, 06:06 PM
    Unfortunately LoveMyDogs, there isn't any more help available. He is either mentally ill and refusing help or he is manipulating and intimidating by faking mental illness. Regardless of which it is, his family has chosen to accommodate him up to now - a choice I would not have advocated as it tends to "buy you more of the same". I don't view mental illness as a reason for tolerating unhealthy circumstances; it is an illness to be managed. And if those closest to the ill person cannot contain and manage that illness, then they cannot.

    And you are about as powerless as they come for affecting this situation. If his family members can't manage him, surely you won't be able to either. As sad as this sounds, it may be necessary for you and your family to recognise your limitations and distance yourself from him and his family. If this proves to be too difficult, perhaps your husband needs a new place of employment. Please don't let it be that the making of money gets mixed up in all this -- opportunities abound in the world for the making of money under far healthier circumstances.

    Although difficult choices need to be made here, please bear in mind that suffering is optional for all parties involved. The world is full of solution, it just might not be the solution you hoped for... and I can appreciate the disappointment you may experience with that too.

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