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srcarroll413 · Sep 9, 2007, 09:47 AM

Hello
My husband has a problem with drinking,he is a great guy without it.we have been here before,he said he will stop,how do I believe him or trust him again?
STEPHANIE:confused:

srcarroll413 · Sep 9, 2007, 09:53 AM

How do I trust him?

srcarroll413 · Sep 9, 2007, 09:55 AM

Need To Learn To Trust Him Again,how Do I Do This?

buggage · Sep 9, 2007, 12:31 PM

You have to be strong in your conviction about what your standards are on, with his drinking. It may take leaving him to get him to understand. I would say that you can't learn to trust him, until he gives you sound reason to trust him. Enough reason that you won't have to wonder anymore. Addictions are something that people need to get over on their own. In the end, nothing can make that person change, until they decide to do it, and actually do it. When he has stopped, and proves that he can and WILL live without him, the trust will likely begin to come back with each day that he stays away from his past addiction... but don't expect your trust to come back all at once. It won't. Its something that takes time to build. And once you have lost that trust, it will take even longer to build it back up.

srcarroll413 · Sep 10, 2007, 07:57 AM

Hello buggage
I hope you are right on him leaving to help him,cause I don't want to lose or give up on our marriage.I understand will be take time and patience,I just need to know what I can do to help and be there for him.
Thank you stephanie

buggage · Sep 10, 2007, 12:21 PM

He needs to have the strength to seek help as well. With such a strong addiction, it is difficult to break it without the proper guidance. BUT, even if he were to get help, it will only work so long as he is willing to do what he needs to do to get rid of it. You can have all the help you want, but if you aren't ready to give it up, you won't. Ya know what I mean? Be there for him, make sure he knows that you will be there to support him the whole way if he choses to get help. But also make him understand that you can't condone his behavior, and he needs to get help with it, or down the road, it may end up destroying your relationship.

srcarroll413 · Sep 10, 2007, 02:10 PM

I plan on helping him as much as I can,I just hope I don't do nothing wrong to set him back any,I just want to help in every way so we can save what we have,
Stephanie

Marily · Sep 10, 2007, 11:26 PM

Help him accomplish his goal, two is better than one :)

srcarroll413 · Sep 11, 2007, 08:10 AM

Hello marily
I plan on helping in anyway I can,just don't want to do or say something for a set back.he wants to come home? I do, but than I don't? I just don't want a repeat of what just happen.
Stephanie

Marily · Sep 11, 2007, 08:18 AM

I can understand how you feel, going back doesn't mean you are trusting him again it only means that you are giving him another chance. Trust isn't a light switch, trust is something that you earn by being true and faithfull :)

srcarroll413 · Sep 11, 2007, 08:32 AM

I have let him come back a lot before more than I can count,and each time is the same thing,I'll qiute I stop! NO MORE DRINKING! and he always goes back,this is the trust between us? I'M TIRED OF GETTING HURT AND LIED TO,

buggage · Sep 11, 2007, 12:40 PM

Then its time to stand up. Stop giving in, stop letting him back... he probably knows you'll always be there as a fall back plan,you'll never really leave him. Time for a reality check. You're a strong woman, let yourself be. Maybe it'll be enoughh to kick sense into him and kick his habit out. But if not, make a better life for yourself. Everyone deserves greatness... not everyone choses to allow it for themselves

srcarroll413 · Sep 11, 2007, 02:00 PM

I'm confused,one says don't give up,and one says close the door on him,I love him and want our marriage to work,he's sick and needs help.yes I'm a strong women,sometime I'm to strong! BUT I'M NOT GOING TO GIVE UP ON MY Marriage.I just want to do it right for him,and not let him fall again
Stephanie

buggage · Sep 11, 2007, 02:34 PM

Well, I am equally confused, because it sounded like you were saying you let him come back way too many times to count, and were sick and tired of getting hurt and lied to. Re-reading you comment where you said "and each time is the same thing,i'll qiute i stop! NO MORE DRINKING!" I see that I miss read it and see that you were saying that is what he would say, and not you saying " I'm stopping, no more drinking, i've had enough of it." under that misunderstanding, I was saying that if you were done leave and refuse to let him back until he has for sure gotten help and quit. I'm not saying to give up on your marriage. Your support is very important in the process, but when you say "i just want to do it right for him,and not let him fall again" its important to understand that you can't do it for him, so don't take complete responsibility on it, and feel like you are the one that let him down, if he goes back to it. It sounds like he is a good guy with a terrible addiction, and he needs help, but probably more then you alone can give. Seeking out a good rehab center would be a good idea.

srcarroll413 · Sep 11, 2007, 02:45 PM

Yes I said I have taken him back before,same reason, of the drinking,but I just want to believe him on him stopping,I know it will take time,but yes I think he has relize what he has done,and willing to stopp, cause all my family was here to see him,I just need to know what ican do to help him.and save our marriage.

Marily · Sep 11, 2007, 11:16 PM

Maybe you should let him join the AA group, it might help him a lot. Also I would ask him what tempt him to go drink every time then you could work something out to get rid of the temptation

srcarroll413 · Sep 12, 2007, 06:30 AM

He was saying that a lot of the aa charged, I don't know I didn't check,he brings up this site for me to help him and help me,maybe he needs to sign in on this web for help to.I know it will take time for him to be strong and heal.but talking always helps,he is talking to a councler.thank you stephanie

Marily · Sep 12, 2007, 07:05 AM

It seems like he really wants to quit drinking. Don't give up on him, encourage and support him whenever you can ;)

buggage · Sep 12, 2007, 07:52 AM

Glad that he is talking to a counciler and trying to change things. Good luck and best of wishes.

srcarroll413 · Sep 12, 2007, 08:05 AM

Yes I;m glad he is talking to someone,I hope it really works out and helps us.
Stephanie