[sensitivechap]

Hey guys and gals. Just wanted some opinions really.

I'll make it short and sweet.

Ive been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 3 and a half years now and things are starting to crack around the edges.
She hasn't changed or anything, it's me.
She always goes out clubbing with her mates which I don't have a problem with but the clothes she wears are far too revealing, she gets really drunk and the other day when I was supposed to be picking her up I saw her mate, the one who she wasn't supposed to split up from (so I know they are safe) without her, I asked where she was and she was cagey. I went to where I thought she would be and she was there terribly drunk speaking to her ex. (he finished with her it was a short relationship). This somewhat pissed me off.

Since that night I can't trust her when she goes out, I've said how I feel about how drunk she gets and how inappropriate her choice of outfit is for a girl in a serious relationship but it goes over her head, Am I really in the wrong about this? Is it wrong to feel like this? I know I'm a nice guy but I just can't trust her anymore.Im 25 years old she's a couple of years younger and Im her first serious relationship, does that have a bearing on this? Do you think she still wants to live the party girl life style?

We have come close to finishing over this and we're still on the rocks I can't let it go because she is my best friend. It's really hurts and Im beating myself up over being like this. I'm not the jealous type I just don't feel secure in the relationship anymore.:(

[TrueFaith]

Dude I'm totally there with you.. I love it when they go out and say ohh it doesn't mean anything I'm drunk.. Pfff! How annoying is that.. frankly I think you should leave her.. because I doubt she will change for you.. and this relationship seems to hurt you.. I have a hard time trusting people as well. That's because I always fall for the chicks that act like that.. and its true in the end they do bang someone else.. I'm not perfect either.. but when I'm in a real relationship I never stray

Just tell her look I didn't relize how bad you get when your drunk I don't trust you.. and if your not willing to change then ill leave..
It sounds harsh but if she loves you man she will do it ;)
Of course don't stop her from going out at all. But mayb e a little control and respect which is all we can ask from anyone really ;) :) ;)

Regards

[kirriky]

Don't be a wuss. You can't tell her how to dress, most girls wear revealing clothes to nightclubs, and what do you mean by that comment about ''not appropriate for a girl in a relationship'' ? Should she dress like a nun now that she's with you?

3 and a half years and you're still freaking out when see her talking to her ex? Come on!

And you didn't really mention any reasons for you not to trust her. Did you see her getting off with her ex? With any other guy? Did anyone tell you that?

If you can't take it, just dump her and spare poor girl the suffering. You can't lock her up, you can't tell her how to dress, and you can't forbid her to talk to her ex. And if you do, she should dump you immediately if she's got any common sense left.

[Makiavelic76]

Here we have 3 things that are bothering you:

1.- The fact, she's wearing something (or less lol) that makes you uncomfortable.
2.- Her over drinker behavior
3.- And, her lie

1.- For the 1st issue, I might say that if you aren't a jealous type, like you said, well this shouldn't bother you much. Otherwise you might SEE that her outfits are vulgar. Girls this days, likes to wear as less possible. That's our culture. If you notices that she's trying to get male attention with her fashion style, well she shouldn't be in a serious relationship. And please, one thing is to feel proud of going out and to have a beauty physical female by our side, which other males could admire and respect. Other thing is that she might be so hungry inside for attention that she wants to find it outside. But her way of dressing shouldn't be a complete reason to doubt about her ways. Try to enjoy her sensuality.

2.- The 2nd point is a bit complex, I had a experience similar, she uses to overdrink on parties, with or without me, and she felt sexually aroused after that. So, the mind blows, and you think, if she behaves with this tendency, ohhh my God!! When she's not with me. The thing is it all depends on what kind of values with have inside and what time of your life are you living. No one can force someone to overdrink and at the end start sleeping with other man/woman no matter the alcohol or drug (except by the scapolamina). She can party, she can dance, she can drink, she can swing her tiny dress in the air, she can laugh, and you can dance, you drink, you can enjoy how her dress swings in the air, etc. but it all comes to the point of asking yourself: does she have similar life values than me?

3.- She lie, she broke you trust and that's it. She shouldn't have done that, since you are open minded guy. She could have tell you that she need to talk with her ex, but not drunk! Some red flag around this point bro. I guess, you don't need to nag her but you have to make her clear your limits, so there won't be field for the abuse. If you nag and complain about all these to her, she might put her self into the well known "I want to be free" defensive scheme. And you don't want to hear all that... believe me.

Let her live, dance, drink, study, grow, learn and you do same thing. If she love you AND have the same values with you, she would listen to your worries and do something about it. If one of those components fails, well, she's not your princess.

Good luck

[sensitivechap]

Hey Makiavelic76 that's one of the things that did really get me when she is drunk she is really horny where otherwise when sober she is shy and inhibited.
I have been to pick her up from a night out before, tapped her on the sholder only to be pushed away... she was only texting me! That's how out of control she can get. And I want her to be in control, I can't trust her when she is going out putting herself in to possible situations. Anything can happen.
Well anyway we've spoke and I said we're both adults and we shouldn't delay the inevitable we have split. Apparently its clear we want different things, me to settle down and she still wants to be going out spending money to piss down the toilet.
I suppose when I see it put down like this I could have done myself a favour!

kirriky: I am by no means a wuss. I mean about in the relationship why is there need to put it all on display in an environment where males are constantly on the prowl so to speak?
I know I can decipher a girl on the pull or someone who is in a relationship.
She never used to dress like that when I met her.
I got the impression something was odd when her friend acted so strangely when she saw me. That got me wondering why she would act that way then I see her with her ex completely drunk. Yes of course that is going to affect me.
I suppose I'm just supposed to live with the mistrust every time she goes out? Because I thought if you care about someone you would do anything. I told her what was upsetting me. How is that wrong? She couldn't give an answer to why she would dress like that.

Guess I've found out I have a type. Librarian. :(

[TrueFaith]

Sadly my friend trust is a hard thing.. I have never really trusted any girl I've been with.. and those are my issues.. sometimes I'm right on the money sometimes I'm not.. and I do lose out in the end.. I wish I could trust and be happy.. with girls but I cant.. at least not yet anyway.. I work on these issues all the time.. but it is very hard.. even more so when your girls get really horny when they drink.. trust me I know about that one.. don't touch you when there sober.. then as soon as they have a few drinks wam!. but those arnt the typ of people we should be with.. we should find other girls.. because there are so many typs..

I think if you look hard enough you'll find the right one for you ;)

Regards

[Jiser]

Ive been in this situation before. Its hard real hard, fuels the insecurities and the fire burns!

I could go on for hours but I will just outline what I think:

Unfortunately that's the age she is, drinking, not wearing allot, flirting, it's the nature of the game. You cannot control anyone and the best thing you can do right now is let her do it, do not question her, do not become clingy, give her what she wants. You start not doing this and she will pull away.

You could try going out a bit more and doing what she does, give her a bit of her own medicine? Why not try going with her? If your insecure, work on those issues, keep yourself busy, try some new things, spend more time with friends so your not thinking about your mrs.

Or simply you end your relationship if its not making you happy or discuss your issues with her. Good luck.

[Clough]

If she were truly your best friend, and you hers, and truly being committed to being in a serious relationship with you, then she would be listening to what you say and acting on those things. Hopefully, to the mutual benefit of your relationship with each other. Relationships take a lot of effort and work if they are to be maintained.

It sounds like you know how to maintain a relationship. I am not sure that she does or even wants to. She sounds like she is very immature. It is obvious that you care very much about her. She doesn't seem to care very much about herself or her relationship with you. An old saying is: "The best mirror is a friend's eye." You have already acted as the "mirror."

Why continue with her? It sounds like you are "spinning your wheels" so to speak. If you choose to find someone else, I'm sure that you will, because you sound like someone who has solid moral values, and is willing to build relationships based upon what the two parties desire concerning trust and caring with each other. Those are qualities that women would value in a man. I don't think that she sees those qualities, or is even aware of them in you. You deserve better treatment from someone than you have been getting from her.

[sensitivechap]

Thank you guys very much. It really helps to talk about it with sensible, intelligent people and get your views as at one point I thought I might have had a problem. I hope I do find someone who is for me I guess if she was 'the one' then this issue wouldn't have arose.
I think some me time is long overdue going to look after number one for a change :)

Will put it down to experience and hopefully one day she will reminisce and realise the error of her ways.

[sensitivechap]

Oh and jiser, I tried going out with her once to her usual haunt and some guy waltzed past and blew her a kiss, she lapped it up. Argument. That would give most guys a reason to fight!

[kirriky]

All this clubbing and drinking is just a phase, (you said it yourself - she wasn't like that before). She likes flirting and male attention, and she probably believes that as long as she doesn't have sex with anyone, she isn't doing anything wrong.

And, as most people said, you can't do much about it, just take it or leave it, if you really like this girl in most aspects except for this one night every 2 weeks, maybe it's worth the wait. But you can't force her to stop - she'll think you're a controlling bastard and that she wasn't doing antyhing wrong anyway (and, stricktly speaking, she isn't). One day she'll realise how stupid this drunken slutty behaviour is, but she'll have to come to this conclusion herself.

Maybe you two can find new things to do on the weekends. Redirect all the 'alcohol money' (and party time) to some healthy activity: rock climbing, surfing, skydiving, whatever...

Maybe do it with your group of friends, she'll make new friends who have other interests than drinking, and won't feel like you're trying to isolate her.

[Jiser]

There are many people who need to go through this 'slutty' stage as we say to realize what they want out of life. Others don't. As far as you know she is not cheating on you but at the end of the day you either live with it or don't, its up to you, if its affecting your life directly and she is consuming more and more of your thoughts every day - as you said, more me time.

[SAB123]

Anybody who knows my story I don't consider my ex's first break up with me mean. The other 4-5 where but, when she did break up with me I was out going to bars and drinking a lot. She basically said I can't be with someone like this or my son. She did break up with me I was hurt but we were only dating 4 months and I was not that emotinally involved yet but missed her. So I basically I told her I will qiut for her so I did a 360 stop drinking. She ssid after months without drinking I could drink but don't go out I didn't drink like a pig. I stopped because I knew that I did love her and she was more important then booze. So I would tell her how you feel, and if she loves you she will try to change. If not I would move on because unless she wants to change this will always be a problem and even way down the road. Who want a lush as a girlfriend or even a wife. I do thank ex for pretty much changing me for the good. I stilll LOVE her!

[SameOldSituation]

sensitivechap,

I, as several others here have also, have been in your same shoes. I attended at "top ten" party university in the United States (as ranked by Playboy, I might add). (Says a lot about my brains, eh?! )

I had a younger girl--she was still at school when I graduated (and still is), and I was in another city (1.5 hours away), working, waking at 6.30 am every day, while she slept off her hangovers from the previous night till 2 pm. My nights consist of going to the gym and taking taekwondo to throw some variety in my life, and hers--alcohol. I'm 24 and live in the Southeast U.S. where everyone my age is getting married. Seriously, my SEVEN closest guy friends are ALL in serious relationships. My "party time" consists of going out with couples. And that is it.

'Twas and is very very hard. So I can understand how the mind runs free. And just look at the responses---you're not alone. Many of us have been there. I mean, for me, it was like, as soon as I was gone from college town BAM time to get wasted every night (for her). Why? Beats me. I guess because her roomies like the drink a good bit.

You can read some of my old posts---they kind of illustrate the story more. I won't bore you with it all here, but...

kirriky's SECOND post is pretty dead-on. He/she said

"but you can't force her to stop - she'll think you're a controlling bastard and that she wasn't doing antyhing wrong anyway "

And he/she is right. This is exactly what happened to me. I tried bargaining. I tried asking that she not drink quite so much. I tried to compromise. Hell, at the end I even said "oh please go get wasted all you want, just come see me once a month!" But to her, her friends, and her mom, all I was doing was being controlling.

She used to say, word for word "you are too controling," "i'm not doing anything wrong," "get over it," and "i don't care."

It got very ugly. Those words are really hard to hear when you're already not feeling so good about the situation. I mean, things just got worse and worse and worse, and as she drank more and more and told me to piss off more and more, I became more and more insecure about it all. What a slippery slope!

Sooooooo what I am getting at is... if you try to "control" or make compromise with someone of this maturity level/mindset, it's toast. And, like kirriky said, all you can do is basically take it or leave it. And let's face it, control, simply because our minds run free--well that's not right to inflict on someone.

Trust can be hard, but really, it shouldn't be. I guess if you polled half the people on this forum about trust issues with alcohol, half would say "get the heck over it," and half would say "I feel ya, man." So, I'm going to try to illustrate some middle ground:

Put trust in someone who is trustworthy. If she has lied a few times about something minor, I don't think that makes her untrustworthy. You know you have, too. And, in trusting in her, do it in all situations. Your mind will run free, but be the biggest man you can about it, and make it stop. Don't focus on her actions as much as yours. You be the bigger, more mature, giving, good person. The only person you can really control is you. So make yourself shine. Be a stud in every way.

At the same time as doing that, if the girl won't compromise with you--if she won't feel you out to some extent--if she won't care about your concerns and think of a way to help alleviate that or compromise on some level, man, forget her. If you give her room, and she can't even hear you out to some extent, then that seems pretty selfish and immature to me.

[sensitivechap]

SameOldSituation: Thanks for your reply and kirriky thanks too.

I couldn't live feeling like that about a person I love so much, It will eat away at me inside, I also work nightshifts so when I'm at work she's partying, spending.. getting drunk etc. it affects my work.
Kirriky no she isn't doing anything wrong technically as far as I know she hasn't cheated or anything like that and her going out and enjoying herself has never been an issue before, but after that one incident where she was speaking to her ex, with it all hanging out and drunk as a skunk I felt my trust tested I thought rationally why does she need to do this? Behave like that why dress like that? I don't want to get hurt, I put a lot into the relationship I care about her more than I have anyone ever and developed such a deep bond. We very, very rarely had arguments maybe 2 or 3 through the 3 1/2 yrs. We never swore at each other, never insulted each other either it felt right.
I didn't want someone that I felt that strongly about to give me those feelings of doubt/insecurity because she means so much losing her this way may still be painful but if she would have broke my trust and heart in the future it would have ruined me.

A massive thank you for everyone's input and words of support you have given me you have helped me through this more than anyone, I don't have any close friends I can open up to but with people like you in the world who needs them?

:)