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Jessiegirl · May 9, 2007, 06:30 PM

Hello , My daughter is 26 and has been in 2 rehabs. One just a month ago . She called me up and I drove over state to get her and she told me she wanted help . Ok I put her in rehab and later halfway house this time because I felt she needed a longer stay to stay off drugs . Well she comes back to my home after that and we agreed she would do meeting and look for work and save up her money and be own her own by 1 year etc well she lasted a week and when I came home she had took off with my Hd truck which was old and our check book and credit cards . She disappeared again . She did write me a letter saying she tore up check book and she knows she has blown it etc but she found a place to live and has a job etc etc . Well So far she has wrote $400.00 in bad checks on us . Should we go to police and file warrant on her for checks and truck?
This has made me sick to the point I can not eat , sleep .
I hate to put my daughter in Jail and when we do this we are talking 10 or more years in Jail . I got my whole family on my back about this . I just do not see the point . I say just change the checking accts and Let her Go ! I will never let her back into my home and wish to not talk or see her again And I will tell her so if she ever calls me again . It hurts but I am fed up and our realionship is over .
I hate to say this but she has done this to us once before . So I have learned my lesson !
But My HD is mad at me . He mad I went and got her and put her in rehab, he is blaming me for everything ! Now he is real mad I don't want to file chargers on her . 10 yrs or more in prison is just too much and I feel she will never learn anything but more bad things in there . I think she needs mental help not 10 or more years in prison . Oh I just don't know anymore !
I am so confused and I need some advice bad !
Thanks ,

Fr_Chuck · May 9, 2007, 07:33 PM

Yes, she is learning she can cheat people and not have to be punished, you are teaching her a lesson on finding the right victim and using them.
And I doubt she would get 10 years, even if that is the max, the checks are under felony level so I dknow know where the 10 year figure came from. Let me guess she told you that??

But yes, she needs to get charged, pay the penalty and learn that crimes have punishes to pay. And you ow HD some respect and it was their truck also right.

phillysteakandcheese · May 9, 2007, 07:36 PM

I would file charges in a heartbeat!

Your daughter has learned that it's okay to lie and steal. I am sure you are not the only one she is telling lies to and stealing from. I think she's learned how to play on your sympathy to keep enabling her chosen lifestyle. I think your sick because you know you can't "fix" her.

Turn her in, let her face the consequences of her choices, and beg the court to get her help. This can be another opportunity for her to start fixing herself.

gogosean · May 9, 2007, 07:49 PM

I am very sorry for your situation. Bad checks may only be the beginning. I know a family that gave their son money to buy antibiotics for an aggressive infection. He spent it on meth. Months later, he was having surgery because the infection made its way in to his brain.

Now, part of his skull is missing.

Consider this true story a metaphor. Those who are constantly abusing themselves may grow out of touch with the boundaries we need to respect with other people. Could this act of stealing result in stealing outside the family? Tragically, I have seen many childhood friends that just kept making bigger and bigger mistakes like this and ended up dead or in jail.

However when you act, act with compassion. Compassion is difficult when we struggle with resulting feelings of guilt.

What is more important? The guilt or the grief?

chuff · May 9, 2007, 11:27 PM

Jessie,

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I can't add much more than what he 4 previous posts say but I would like to add this. Your grown daughter does not respect you at all. People who respect others don't steal. She never learned that she has boundries that she can not cross and as result she continues and will continue to do this until it catches up with her. I'm also sorry to say that the reality probably is, if you don't turn her in, somebody else will when she crosses them. I

I agree with you that she needs mental health profressional but if she can't even stay in rehab she doesn't even realize she needs help, so I don't know that it would matter if you had the best mental help professional. What good is that person to someone that doesn't even know they need help.

You can't teach her anything through your words but you can through your actions.

krystal1973 · May 9, 2007, 11:54 PM

Hello, I am not sure which drugs your daughter was doing, But is there any chance that it is Meth?
This behavior that you are expaining, the guilt,etc. is enabling. Sometimes parents have to do things that they don't like in order to show their complete love for their children. Not making your daughter suffer the consequences for her actions, is not an act of love. No matter what the consequences are for what she has done is not your decision, it was hers when she decided to make a bad choice.
If you are and she are lucky.. when you report her if she happens to get an extended time in Jail, then considering the outcome of rehab in the past with her. YOU ARE doing her A FAVOR! If she will steal from her own family, do not kid yourself anything is possible. Wouldn't you have her pay the consequences of writing a bad check, get the possibility of getting off drugs, and then she's a little pissed at you. Or.. would you rather get the phone call that she's never coming home, making funeral arrangements or being charged with something far more severe than writing checks. Don't think of it as punishing your daugther, think of it as an opportunity to save her life, and get your old daughter back (the one that isn't controlled by drugs anymore).

RubyPitbull · May 10, 2007, 12:09 PM

Sorry Fr Chuck, I have to spread it.

Jessie, I too am so sorry for what you are going through. The situation you are describing is, unfortunately, one that many parents go through. Krystal pretty much hit the nail on the head here. Your not acting on this, is a tacit acceptance of her bad behavior, and you are "enabling" your daughter. You need to understand that she will not stop on this destructive path she has set herself . She is a drug addict who, even though she knows what she is doing is wrong and is hurting those people who love her, cannot help or stop herself. Her dependency on drugs is controlling her, not her logic. Jessie, she is an adult and, in order for you to help her, you must hold her accountable for her actions. I know you don't want to send your daughter to jail honey. You are hurting enough as it is. But, as others pointed out, if you and your husband press charges against her, it doesn't necessarily mean she will go to jail for 10 years. What you can attempt to do is to get her mandatory rehab, with the possibility of very little jail time. It all depends on the Judge, the prosecutor, and her lawyer. Since you and your husband would be the ones pressing charges, you can speak with the prosecutor about what you would like to be done with her. He will take everything that you say, under advisement. For the most part, the courts don't want people to solely be thrown away in jail for 10 years for a crime committed. They do want people to, be held accountable for those actions, take responsibility for their actions, and to remain out of trouble in the future.

You didn't mention if she has been arrested before. But, you did give me the impression that she is still in possession of your husband's truck. Keep in mind that you live with your husband, not your daughter. You do need to respect his feelings, and judgement, in this issue. He has every right to be angry, and has every right to press charges against your daughter. You may be "done" with her as you say, but turning a blind eye to this, is really not in anyone's best interest here. Not your's, your husband's, or your daughter's. You need to follow through with this by filing a report with the police. It may be the last opportunity you have to get your daughter the help she truly requires. Please give careful consideration to what we are all saying here. Again, I am truly sorry for what you are going through and I hope that we have been able to help you with this very difficult decision.

Jessiegirl · May 10, 2007, 09:05 PM

Thank you for all for your advice . My daughter is on Meth ,how did you know ksystal ?
I guess my HD was right and I and going to tell him I am sorry . And I will go press chargers against her . The reason I said 10 or more years is she will be Charged with stolen checks , forgery . And auto theft . And credit card forgery and it is a taken very serious in our state . I just did not want to destroy her life more that what it is already is .
My family taught me that once you have problems in your family you keep it in the family .
I ask my sister would mother had done this and she laughed and said no she would had paid and went on . I guess I feel so bad because I was taught that you did not do this .
But your right she has to learn . She is sick . I hope they let me talk to them about more rehab and longer period of rehab because 60 or more day is not getting it . It need to be at least 6 months or more !
Thank You so much for your advice I was just so torn about all of this and did not know what to do ! I have got a lot to learn myself ! Any more advice I could use is helpful !
Thank you all again !
Jessie

sypher373 · May 10, 2007, 09:38 PM

Originally Posted by Jessiegirl

I guess I feel so bad because I was taught that you did not do this .

Don't do what? Help your daughter get her life back on track?

The way I see it, you are doing a very admirable thing. Sure, she may be angry with you now, but you know someday she will thank you. You are doing the best thing possible for her.

whiteladybug2002 · May 10, 2007, 09:51 PM

I love my children, but if they are going to disrespect me like that... I would throw their tale in jail in a sec. Hopefully I won't have to experience this, but we never know? It is a sad world we live in where kids steal from parents and EXPECT to suffer no consequences!

If this was the first time or she didn't just get out of rehab, I might, MIGHT have a different opinion, but YOU went out of your way to help and SHE took advantage of that! Press charges! She won't like it, but she didn't care how you felt when she hurt you!

Good Luck and God Loves You!

chuff · May 10, 2007, 10:14 PM

Jessie, if she's on Meth then I think you should turn her in immediately. Not for the crimes but to get her in jail where (hopefully) she can't get the meth. I'm sorry I can't really offer any drug advice as I never got into that scene but I know that meth is the hardest thing to quit so prison may be the best option, just to save her life.

JoeCanada76 · May 10, 2007, 10:18 PM

Get her into the system, but there should be programs and counseling being offered. Especially for the drug use. This could be the reason for the behaviour.

grammadidi · May 10, 2007, 10:29 PM

She must suffer the natural consequences of her actions! I believe she is just begging you to stop being so sweet and understanding and stop her from doing this. She probably feels powerless because of her addiction and enabling her will just make it worse. Yes, jail time is frightening to you as a mom... but, isn't a funeral a lot more scary? I'm sorry to be so blunt, but if you don't take a stand on her behaviour now, she will likely end up dead in less than 10 years. Take control and act like a loving parent. Love her like she needs to be loved - tough love.

I would also recommend that you attend some Al-Anon meetings to get a better understanding of how to help her and why it is important to do as you have been advised here by many. I wish you, and her the very best of luck. Even if she did get 10 years in jail, it sure beats the alternatives!

Hugs, Didi

krystal1973 · May 11, 2007, 05:58 AM

Jessie. This is typical behavior of a meth addict. What happens is most of the time they do not go to jail for the meth, they usually go on another charge, such as theft, robbery, hot checks, and sometimes even worse. Although its hard to imagine because they do anything they can to get the drug, they really do want to be stopped. No one really wants to live a life that way. They aren't happy being an addict, they need help. And sometimes since rehab isn't always successul, and they are able to leave on their own free will and manipulate the system, as bad as it seems, jail is usually helpful in that they are (usually) at least away from the drug and the people they are getting it from, and even if they want to leave they cant. Although I don't agree that jail should always be used for an extended period of time-- its better than the alternative.

talaniman · May 11, 2007, 07:40 AM

You can take her to small claims court to recover the money and property, and if her addiction is an underlying factor in her illegal behavior, she can be sentenced to drug testing, and forced into a rehab. Prison will not give her the long term care she needs, but appearing in court to account for her actions will give you leverage to making sure she pays for her actions, and a record will be on file to get her long term care. You can ask questins of the clerk of small claims to get specifics.

Jessiegirl · May 11, 2007, 05:43 PM

Well I went and took out warrants for her arrest Today . I am sad and confuse and angry I want to cry but no tears will come . I guess I am trying to buried my Daughter for good .
It seems like a death to me ! It was not always like this between us . She was a good kid and never gave us problems . She went to college and had a great Job and married a man we thought was good . She was my friend , and a great daughter until she had her son and he died 2months later of SIDS she found him dead . After that she went nuts
The doctors put her on Zanix and she abuse them . Kept doing crazy stuff . That is when we put her in 1st rehab to get off them . And that is when her so called husband served her divorce papers and found him another women . He sure was a winner . Anyway I guess that is why the first rehab did not do any good for her . She disappeared and a year later is when I got that call . I thought this is it ! This is when I would get my Daughter back ! I found out later when I pick her up she was a meth head .
And she was not my daughter ! But I thought it would all be fixed if she went to rehab .
I know now she will never be fixed as they say she still has so much bitterness against God ,and other people.
I know some said I was sick (maybe I am ) but you needed to hear why , How , what made me be sick ! I love my Daughter , who she was once . She was sweet and so beaitful and smart , and we shared at one time a lot . Now I am letting her Go . She is no longer that person I once loved . That is why I said she needs mental help because I really believe she is mental ! I can not help her . I guess I am just venting ! Thank you for letting me Vent and letting me be sad . Thank you all for your advice it help me and made me think .
JessieGirl

grammadidi · May 11, 2007, 06:14 PM

Sweetie, a lot of addictions are borne from pain. You are not writing your daughter's death sentence or burying her. You really aren't! You might just be saving her life.

My heart aches for you because I know how difficult it is to do something for your child that hurts or goes against everything you believe. I have worked in both the addictions and the mental health fields. There is hope for your daughter. Bury the addict... yes. But do not bury the love or hope for your sane, sober daughter.

The next while will be very, very hard for you (and probably for her). Just keep loving and supporting her when she is straight, and love her by turning her in when she isn't. If you need some support, hun, try Al-Anon. You may find what you need there if you give it a chance.

You are a good mother, JessieGirl. Your daughter is very lucky to have someone who loves her enough to do what you have done. Vent here all you want. There are a lot of people who care and are willing to help you through this.

Warm hugs,
Didi

RubyPitbull · May 12, 2007, 05:48 AM

Jessie, please listen to what Grammadidi is saying. She is a very wise woman and has one of the most compassionate hearts here on this site.

What you have written here explains quite a lot. I am so very sorry for the pain you are in. Please know that you have done the right thing for your daughter. It is the first step in getting her help. That poor young woman was never able to grieve properly over the loss of her child. Then, her husband kicked her when she was down. She didn't know how to cope and went in the absolutely wrong direction. She is trying to kill the pain inside of her. She needs help in working through this, letting go of that pain, and rebuild her life. Your following through on this and not giving up on her, might very well be the only chance she has to do this exact thing and help get her life back on track. Do as Didi suggests. Go to Alcoholics Anonymous. They are not just for alcoholics. They will teach you about the addictive personality and how to handle it. Learn as much as you can. And find out as much as you can, about what support is available for someone in your daughter's situation. There is hope for all of you. You just have to continue to be as dedicated as you have been in helping her. Learning about this will give you the tools to make the correct decisions. Come here to vent, or just "talk." Someone will always respond to you.

Here is a link to find out where the al-anon meetings are in your area:
Alcoholics Anonymous : How To Find An A.A. Meeting

grammadidi · May 12, 2007, 10:52 AM

Further to Ruby's posting... I was actually referring to Al-Anon. Some people don't realize that there are Al-Anon and Alateen groups for the friends and families of alcoholics. What you learn there can effectively be applied to the families of people addicted to drugs. Here is their site: Welcome to Al-Anon/Alateen. Check out their site map to see all their information.

When you put her into the Rehab do they not have family support? If so, use it! If not, try the Al-Anon (give it a chance, go to at least 4 meetings, preferably six) and if nothing else pick up a few of their books, especially "One Day at a Time". Perhaps there is a mental health clinic in your area (or even at the hospital?) where you could ask if there is someone who can help your through being on the outside of your daughter's meth addiction?

Educate yourself! Go to the library and read up on Meth addiction. It will help you feel less powerless in your own life. Look up treatment centres on the internet that deal specifically with meth addiction and send for free pamphlets.

Now, I may be wrong, but I want to tell you this. It is possible, right from the beginning, that your daughter's medication was the wrong drug or the wrong dosage. Often times (ah, I don't want my wrist slapped here, but again, it DOES happen and FAR too often) a psychiatrist or physician starts on too heavy a medication or dosage... especially in situations where people are grieving. Then, they don't follow up enough to ensure it is the right medication or dosage. This doesn't excuse your daughter's behaviour or addiction, but it may help you to understand it a lot more.

Also, I don't know much about this group, but it may be worth you looking into... it's called Mother's Against Meth-Amphetamine (MAMA). It may not be what you personally need, but I thought it would give you somewhere to start. I see that they have 180 chapters across the U.S. and Family Support Groups. You always have to keep an open mind and consider all options because one of them is bound to work for you.

Good luck, hun... and I really hope one or all of these helps you and gives you the support that you so badly need.

Hugs, Didi

RubyPitbull · May 12, 2007, 11:30 AM

I have to spread it, but thank you Grammadidi! I tried running a search for the site that helps families, and for some reason I couldn't get it. The one I pasted kept popping back up. Not sure why, but it must have been my not typing it in correctly. So, thank you for taking the time to give Jessie the useful links. :)